I say too much for my own good sometimes. I'm usually go to extremes to keep my personal life aside from work. It sucks that after every conversation I have with a co-worker or person, I second guess it afterwards instantly. My faith in humanity is plummeting by the day. Lately I've been questioning myself, am I confiding in the wrong people? How long is it going to be when it all comes back to me. Every word has consequences and its a bit of a strain to always be on alert for potential backstabbing. There is too much paranoia happening in my mind. I should really just internalize all my thoughts and opinions. Its the safest place to keep things. Too bad I don't listen to myself sometimes. It's like word vomit.

There are the times when I'm too honest or blunt and end up hurting friends or people I care about. This is why I can never say everything because the truth is ugly and people don't want to hear it. Honesty is ugly. Everyone wants to be understood but no one appreciates hearing an ugly or negative truth even if you have no ill intentions. I'm constantly stepping on eggshells as I hang on to relationships. I can become a very jealous or selfish person even as I try to maintain being as low maintenance as possible. When I really come to depend on someone, I naturally sabotage things just by being me. Its like my affection is just another kind of poison that slowly withers at things until everything becomes dysfunctional. There were so many times I wanted to say, I'm not asking you to love me, sympathize with me or forgive me for feeling the way I do or being the way I am. All I ask is for you to listen and acknowledge it. That's enough for me. Why does that seem so impossible? Is it too much to ask for?

I'm repulsed by myself and the person I am all the time. So you can feel spite me, I understand.

I tend to let work take over my life when my original intention is to just make some use of myself. I need something to fill up the days. Well, also because food and shelter doesn't fall from the sky. I can't help but think I'm slowly straying away from everyone in my life. I become a machine. Time does dull things for me, not entirely to the extremes that I become a stranger all over again but I can feel my walls building up again- everyday passing by is another layer of bricks piling on until its impenetrable again. There is nothing but a vague feeling of emptiness.



My schedule is pretty close to being entirely nocturnal and working nights. I constantly wake up in the afternoon before my shift feeling exhausted even on days when I manage to get a normal amount of sleep that night. Someone I know who specialized in sleep study told me ambien doesn't give you the normal kind of sleep you need to feel energized when you wake up. I honestly don't think ambien is doing much for me anymore besides being an off switch that doesn't always work. My tolerance is too high. But still, I will always choose being tired over going crazy not being able to sleep for days in a row. In some cases when my insomnia gets extreme I become self destructive with my desperate attempts to just be able to sleep. Being tired is better than feeling mentally and physically miserable while your mind doesn't listen to your body to shut down. It scares me to think of how I will manage the rest of my life this way. Sleeping is suppose to be a natural instinct or function but I can't seem to perform such a simple task. It's almost equivalent to not knowing how to breathe. I don't know how to sleep or shut myself off. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Work wasn't particularly interesting today. I wouldn't call it a shitty day entirely. Why? simply because I got through it, its over with. But none the less- it was pretty shitty, it feels like the female manager is always breathing down my back about every little thing. Sure, just because I'm not your bff or family its okay to give me grief over things that has nothing to do with me. The servers in this place have to get desserts and decorate it ourselves. So I was on the way to the freezer room- really it's like fucking walking into a freezer and shutting yourself inside it. I'm surprise I'm not sick yet from going in and out of that room. As I open the door, the female manager was inside. Lucky me, being the first person in sight as she throws a tantrum kicking empty boxes out of the room. "You can't just dig through the freezer and leave a mess. This is the second week of work, I shouldn't have to keep telling you what to do. I can easily find a replacement." Bitch, has the thought come across your head that there are multiple servers and other people in "training". What is this? fucking kill on sight? I'm not the only one who has to come into this freezing hell hole.

Someone dug through the freezer room and left things in a pile of mess, or it accumulated over the week during busy nights. I happen to be the waitress that has the highest sales with up-selling desserts but that does not mean I'm the one responsible for people digging through the freezer room like a wild boar. Its already torture enough that I have to go into a negative freezing cold air tight room to find the desserts, my job description does not entail cleaning up after other incompetent people (the servers who are family and gets away with everything). I wasn't exactly sure what to say besides "Okay..." Arguing and being defensive just seems to be a waste of time and petty. Shes just another one of those people. It won't do me any good between co-workers and this workplace in general to give her a logical argument anyway. Its a lose-lose situation. No one likes the tattletale, not that I know who the hell did it anyway.  I'm already busy enough with my section so its not like I'm keeping a tab on what other servers are doing and how they are doing things.

This women changes instantly by the minute. Everything is just peachy when I'm settling the check for my tables when just one hour ago shes lashing out at me implying she can fire me. Well no shit you can fire me, that's why I have to put up with you when the only thing you do is constantly spew garbage. I don't think I'd be too broken up about it if I get fired over someone else's mess. In fact, she'd be doing me a favor since I've been thinking of a way to resign gracefully when the time comes to move on. I don't plan on staying in the long run. The thought of me walking out right then and there did run through my head but its unnecessarily dramatic and the only reason I accepted the job at this location to begin with was to build up my resume in this field. Maybe without an outsider in the equation, she'll realize how capable her family and friend servers are. There should be a universal font for sarcasm. There won't be anyone to take the hit when someone fucks up or when she gets stressed out, not until she finds the next poor old bastard who can put up with it.

So I just realize Christmas is at the end of this week... none of my presents will make it in time. Shipping overseas is such a pain in the ass. Well, happy unbirthdays it is.

& What the fuck? Its almost 5am and I just got a text from the female manager telling me I don't have to go in for the Sunday night shift. Fine with me, Sunday seems to be slow since people usually rest at home and work the following day. Its still strange she text messages me so late in the night. Shes probably catching onto the vibe that I mega loathe her. (I use hate too much! It has lost its impact)  I guess I'll try to finish doing the rest of my Christmas shopping tomorrow, ugh.

Labels: communication, mental, relationships, sleep, truths, work