I don’t want to start thing again. Not like I have this last week. I can’t think again. Not ever again. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that, that you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it to stop spinning. If this gets any worst, I might have to go back to the doctor. It’s getting that bad again.

I don't know what’s wrong with me. It's like all I can do is write gibberish to keep from breaking apart. Should I be happy that we're friends? Or should I cry because that's all we'll ever going to be now? People think that if you love somebody unconditionally and hard enough then everything is just going to work out. Well, people are wrong. I guess my love wasn't enough for you. It wasn't enough to keep you. This only reminds me of what I’ve mistaken myself for; I became so delusional thanks to you that I came to a point where I thought for once maybe I am worth something. But it was all a lie. I am nothing and still am nothing. I am easily forgettable and just as easily dispensable as I always was and still am. All I am to you now is a stain you want to erase. With everything going on and whats happened, I feel cheated. Just because I'm in a distance it doesn't meant that should be taken advantage of, to try to break up over the phone and hang up and refuse to answer calls. I thought our love merits more than that. That we owe it to each other to do this in person and talk this out in person, but I got totally shut down. 

I can't help but feel like I was nothing. I didn't triumph or mean anything more than any of his ex's. At least he gave them changes and did it in person. It's so cruel. How can anyone say they never loved anyone so much and pull this? I wasn't given even 1/8 the chance he gave his past girlfriends who "didn't mean anything". But I actually in face feel like I mean nothing with all the dead bolt stops and lack of consideration. If you say you never loved as you have loved me before, how can you do this to me? Over the phone? Its entirely heartbreaking and frustrating. I never got a single chance. How can it be done like this... I feel so insignificant. I really wish I can see him and talk it over and be treated like an actual person. He says it hurts too much to see or talk to me, but what about me? Have you given a second to think what you've done to me at those moments. I wanted to die. At those time and even sometimes now you were so preoccupied with just how you feel or how its hard on you and hurt you, what about me...? I wonder if it ever came across for a second that it was killing me too, but you were more important to me than that.

I’m trying to get my life back together but I cant help but feel like I’m falling into a deeper dark pit in my mind as each day passes by. I know I was the one who begged pathetically for a second chance for us, that we at least owe each other that much. Nut how can there be any progress when you threat me so harshly while I’m trying my bet to yield to you like I’m walking on eggshells everyday just trying to send you a mere text I feel like I have to because what I say in cause you get pissed off and decide its not worth your time. All your pretty words are just words. Those statements that I mean more to you than anyone in your life disregarding the amount of time we’ve been together, I beat them all. I don’t think that’s true. If he was willing to try for a couple of years to make things work for a girl that he told me I mean so much more than, then why don’t our relationship merit the same chance? It should be that we’d try even harder than you have with your ex’s that I so called triumph over by miles, but that’s not the case. You were ready to just up and go, saying “I’m sorry” and hanging up as I cried begging you to not leave me hanging like this. I tried my best to be strong for the both of us for the sake of our relationship that you got me to believe in so deeply that I can’t do anything without you. The most terrifying thing in my life right now is losing you. It has almost been my greatest fear but I thought we were above that and I believe in all your promises forever. I was smitten by all your pretty words that were nothing but words after all based on the harsh way you treated me. 

Am I the only one who’s fighting for us? Am I doing it for the both of us? My heart is sore from all the pain. I realize no matter how hard I cling to you, it doesn’t matter unless you reciprocate those feelings you once had for me. Like that saying, you can drag a horse to river, but you can’t force it to drink the water. Am I just pushing on a dead end? Based on how he acts and treats me, it seems like this extended break is just to shut me up so I would stop calling in panic and terrified but getting nothing but the voicemail machine. 20 missed calls, 30 missed calls, 40 missed calls. I’m pathetic. I always thought of myself as I don’t need any man in my life and there’s nothing that can affect me so much. But you, you got me to believe in all your promises and tore me open. Broke down my walls and all for this. It’s out of my control not because my life and heart is in your hands now to crush and step all over on, to run over and back up a few times over with your car.

I still think about everything over and over again trying to make sense of a love letter from you one night saying you love me and less than a day later, its all over and up in flames. It’s really unfair but I guess no one cause about justice when it comes to that. I have no say it in. I have no power over it. You made all the calls and still do. It was your decision and I had absolutely no saying in it. Does that sound fear in a relationship I thought was so much more or was I just in over my head. Did you love me more when I wasn’t yours? Are people really just addicted to the chase and the moment when you win the person over entirely, they become normal and nothing to you. We fall in love with this amazing person and overtime they become so normal to us and we forget and take them for granted. It hurts. It was that pedestal you put them on up so high and the fall is more bone shattering from heights so high. The higher it is the more the outcome of pain will be from way up there. You were in love with the idea of who you think the person is versus learning more about the person day by day. I’m sorry I wasn’t what you thought I am and I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to all you want me to me. I am a failure and didn’t live up to your expectations. I can still remember clearly all the things he told me that got me so vulnerable now.

When you told me if you’d never let me go or lose me. Even if I were to give up on you, you’ll never give up on me like I gave up on myself. That if I was to fall out of your reach, you’d immediately hop on a plane right away and pull me back into your arms. How confident you were so sure that it was me and no one else can make you feel that way or take my place. That you’re confident I’m the only person for you and you’re absolutely sure that your future is me because I was all you ever wanted and no one can make you feel the way I do. That you want to become the perfect man for me no matter how hard you have to try because you believe there’s no one else in this world who is better suited for me and that loves me more than you do. That you’re absolutely sure no one loves me more than you do. Telling me that if it’s not me in your life, it won’t do. You can’t go on with life without me, but it seems like you’re doing just fine and happier while I’m here suffering every second of it. Is it really that easy to take back all those words of that magnitude so easy? To turn your back on all that you said? Don’t you feel the least bit of remorse?

So after all that's said and done, all those words that meant the world to me that pulled me closer and closer to you each day was a lie. When you said we should go our own ways, and find that person that makes us happy without so much trouble it was a real slap in the face. You are the person for me and still is. I guess I'm no longer that person. How can things like that can be changed so easily, an instant change of heart because things are getting difficult. But nothing in life worth having comes easy. And if the love was so monumental to begin with, then its all worth fighting for. Not just give up and move forward. But like I said, I guess maybe I am really am that forgettable and easy disposable. That's what I get for accepting a love I didn't deserve. It was all too good to be true. I'm always reaching for him but he's just fading away further and further in the distance. Especially in this long distance. I really was going to just book a last minute plane ticket despite me being in the negatives financially to see him from to face but all I got was I refuse to see you. Don't come, I wont pick you up or come home if you show up. Sinking and sinking, thats what it continuously feel like.

I really am a stupid girl because up until now and even after all this, I still believe you. I’m just waiting in this heartache every day for you to come around and realize what we are. Will he ever get there or is it a hopeless cause? But I’m waiting. The decade we spent wishing for each other hopefully wasn’t for nothing. Now that the universe finally granted us this miracle, I don’t want to give up so easily. I’ve even come to a desperate point of agreeing to be on break as a friend until you come around one day to see what I see in us. But are you really blind to it all? I don’t know if he even feels it at all through that ice-cold harshness I’m faced with now. I agreed to rewind to a point back when we were just friends, but guess what? Even as friends he didn’t treat me so bad. The most I can get now if I get lucky is a mere short vague one sentence text then he’s gone all over again. I can’t even reach out to him for a real conversation. Is 10 minutes of your time so much to ask for? Or when I write to you, it takes you the entire day to reply with a one letter or one sentence answer for the day. “It’s not that I’m ignoring you, It’s just that I don’t go out of my way for you like I use to anymore.” He says to me coldly. I could feel my heart sinking as tears start rolling down. I couldn’t help it, It was then that I realize I’ve become less than a nobody to him. I’m pretty sure he didn’t treat me like nothing even as friends back then. Even while we were chatting as friends back then I always felt better or happy even though I always kept my distance because he was taken and its not my place to get in the way. I can’t feel any affection or hope from you anymore. How is this break going to do us any good if we don’t work on becoming better for each other instead of ignoring me entirely? You don’t treat your other friends half as harshly.

I’ve tried to reach out to you time after time shamelessly—

Answer...? Respond? Not good enough. “We are on break.” That’s it. Entirely unmoved even though I poured my out heart; while I on the other hand, was overwhelmed with emotions just writing that reaching out to you. That the one time I reach my hands out to the person I’ve loved so deeply just got slapped down so easily. I’ve always been the type that’s indifferent because I never let enough people close enough to hurt me this bad. I’ve never been the chaser or the one to say all that to win someone back either. But none of it mattered. 

I’m sinking. Sinking fast. I cant breath. Am I just being kept on the hook out of pity? I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I love you more than life itself, love… but you’re breaking me beyond believe. I’m already broken and you took those shattered pieces and threw them in a blender set on high and hit start. That’s how everything feels like right now. How can you say you love me do and this to me. Do you really think this is best for me? At least give me the courtesy and respect to speak for what I know I need and is best for my life. If you’re doing thing for me own good, then just love me and go back to when you didn’t treat me like nothing. Stop hurting me when your stubborn thoughts of what you think is best for another individual. It’s so selfish. Who are you to tell anyone what is best for him or her? Just like no one should tell you what is best for you.

If you honestly believe you’re doing this for my own good, you’re wrong. You’re doing the worst thing a person can possible do to broken person like me. I gave you everything I could in my power, you were the exception to so many things. I gave myself away to you entirely and only to you. Maybe that’s flawed. Did I become stale and boring in the process? That there’s no more chase and I’m so readily in love with you. I saw signs of your lost of interest in me over time and I never said anything. Maybe the problem is because I loved you too much. You said you wanted me to smother you with my love, but I think it only made you see me as another easy stupid girl. I feel quite stupid trying so hard to please you everyday and being rejected at times. 

You were always the one who got away. My ideal guy and I never forgot about you everyday for the past decade. I thought that merits a lot more than a simple “I’m sorry” and hang up. Our plans for me to visit you during the holidays went to hell. I always thought after our first one together that I want to spend every Christmas and new years together with you for many more years to come. Turns out we only had one. I truly believe if we can see each other in person this would be a lot better because long distance is impossible and you using it to your advantage by constantly ignoring me or no longer treating me like I’m anything is heartbreaking. You said it would hurt too much to hear my voice or see me. Even if I flew there myself I’d just be stranded at the airport. Even if I were to walk to your house you’d refuse to see me. Have you stop for a second to consider the positive outcome that can come out of it.

I Feel wronged. The person who claims he loved me more than the universe is doing this over the phone to his advantage and cutting off all ties. And even our rewind break to friendship is breaking my heart everyday. I don’t know if he realized that he didn’t treat me as harshly even when we were just friends… I just no longer go out of my way for you… it keeps echoing in my head and the tears won’t stop. It’s so difficult just to get you to answer over text or on the phone. It seems like I’m asking you to move a mountain just to spare time for a 10-minute phone call. I really don’t know what to do anymore. My heart, head, body everything is all sore from the constant heartbreak and sinking feeling.

Even so, I still love you. At this point anyone reading this must thing I’m fucking retarded. I never said I was smart. But this is what unconditional love is and its what I told you I have for him. So hurt me, break me, make me bleed, kill me, I’m all yours. I’m all yours to break. But when you do, can you please make sure I don’t have to live anymore afterwards? If you’re going to break me, break me entirely just like pulling the trigger because there’s no recovering from this for me now. I’ll keep waiting in the silence and the silent tears no one knows I shed on a daily basis.

I've been going on and on like a broken record about my relationship problems while there are a million other things going wrong with my life. But somehow my mind is entire consumed by this and he's my only cure. I've lost the will to do anything. The future is blank and life is bleak again. He seems to be living a happier and better life without me. I wonder if I ever meant any of those things he said before. I'd give anything for us to be ok again. And I try to make this kind and clear, all I want is just a chance that maybe we'll find better days cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings and designer love and empty things. All I want is just a chance that maybe we'll find better days. All I want is for you to come around and love me like you use to.

My posts have been becoming increasingly longer and longer. I highly doubt anyone out there reads the whole thing. This is just an outlet where I can spill my guts and blood and all that without effecting anyone else. Because I don't want to hurt anyone if all I had to say was said to them, it would probably be tragic and lead to even more hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Its like in Perks of Being a Wallflower where Charlie writes to an anonymous person. Sometimes we all just need an outlet and someone to talk to; in my case, my outlet isn't a person or any living being. It's just me writing to myself. Writing to no one and just having it keeping me sane. The thing is, I wish I had the courage to say many of the things I have to say here to the people in my life, but communicating has never been a strong suit of mines, because you see; writing on a blank page, it doesn't judge you, it doesn't talk back to you, it doesn't belittle you. Human are all those things. Plus even if I wanted to say something to the person I love so much, I can't because just as I was told, he no longer goes out of his way for me anymore. I can't even get 10 minutes to have a short chat, much less express anything of this. It would only lead to a fight because he's become so aggressive and easily aggravated that I no longer know what to say that will make things okay or better again. 

I wonder if its because he resents me for clinging onto him so pathetically even if he calls it a break and I said I'll become noting more than a friend and give him space. That was the last resort to keeping him in my life. i'll take all the hits as long as he doesn't disappear forever from my life. This compromise wasn't made easily either. He was reluctant and hesitant and still want to keep me far away for a long time. Everything is an "I don't know". Which is basically no, how can we possibly patch things up if everything I say or do angers him. It almost seems like my mere existence of stubborning wanting to stay in his life angers him because perhaps he feels forced into it. I know I'm hopelessly pathetic. I can't help it and I've been trying to figure out where all the anger towards me is coming from, but I can only think that it's because I refuse to leave you as easily as you wanted- to just erase me and move forward with our own lives. I his life doesn't revolve around me as he bluntly told me in another one of those harsh conversations, but my life revolves around him, its not entirely my fault. He got me to believe and open up and think that way. To let go and trust that he'll catch me falling.

I know I've said it repeated that what you think is best for me really is in fact killing me inside everyday. If you truly love me, please stop and give me the courtesy of deciding my life for myself and just a little respect for me to speak for myself. You really have no idea what you're doing to me with all this. He think he's being a martyr by "setting me free". I don't want to be set free. He's the best thing that happened to me and I'm holding on for dear life. People who say if you love someone you'll set them free are clearly idiots and the other person obviously haven't become such am important part of their lives. I will die for you and I'm living for you. I just wish he could see it. All the ultimatums given to me about changing my self destructive behavior I've agreed to change for you. i want to become a better person for you. So I really wish he wouldn't use that its best for me line as an excuse to throw me away anymore. It would be a different story if he was going this because he personally cant stand me anymore, or no longer love me or is entirely sick of me. I promised I would change for the better for our sake, but it takes two people to do so, and I don't see you putting in the effort to make things better between us. Instead you're hammering a nail into my heart by the day with the way you act and the harshness you throw upon me. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one trying my best and yielding to you know because you get so irritated easily over the simplest things when before you'd never act like that towards me. I know I'm not longer your significant other or at least you don't want me anymore, but why is your behavior black and white. Even as friends he was always a good friend. I really just had a few simple questions I wanted to ask, but I still can't even get any time or answer after a couple of days. It's really making me sick to my stomach. 

I just wish things were different...