I just realized it’s been almost a year since I last blogged my running thoughts and rants. The entire year has just been full of drama and traveling. Plus my desktop is going to shit and I really hate sitting there and blogging on my desktop anyway, not that I've been home lately since I've been splitting my time pretty much half a year in California and the other half back home in NYC. 

So I finally got a new laptop thanks to my trophy wife boyfriend. I broke 3 laptops within the last year and the last one I had was so shitty I could barely fit anything on it much less rely on it for school and all other computer activities. Plus it was impossible to type with and the touchpad kept fucking everything up. But really I have no fucking idea how I manage to break everything, 3 laptops within a couple months the past year actually. Really, everything I touch breaks. So I’ve converted to using the new MacBook Air customized to be all maxed specs and an iPhone now even though I completely fail at technology and utilizing it to its full potential. The laptop is perfect for when I return to school since all my previous laptops were bulky as fuck and not travel friendly. For the first time a laptop actually fits in my bag/purse so maybe I can get more work done on the go and during down time on campus.

Speaking of schooling, I royally fucked up again and this time its really affecting my grants and tuition fees negatively. Everything is going to be a bitch to deal with if I can’t appeal for my full financial aid and grants again since I’m flat broke. I’m considering just taking another year off school to work so I’m not dead broke all the time. I know I have the tendency to stray from things and avoid going back though so I’m not sure if it’s really a good idea to prolong my academics any more. I’m already really behind. If I were to just do a BA, I should technically be starting the career grind for the rest of my life, but I’m not since I’ve been failure at almost everything I attempt to accomplish due to lack of motivation and depression. I just want to escape. To be alive but not really have to live life according to the system, but that’s not how life works. 

Articulating everything that goes on in my head is like trying to play a broken record lately. I think that's mostly why I've avoided blogging even when I had access to a high-end laptop in LA while staying indoors doing nothing. But I guess I should really get all the rage and bipolar psycho out of me here. It's better I rant to no one here but myself in writing to organize my thoughts than to participate in self destructive behavior or sabotage yet another relationship but this time he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I really can't help it. I'm back to cutting again just so I can focus on the physical pain instead of the mental pain. Just something about the pain and red flowing out I can focus on instead of being stuck in my own head torturing myself to a breaking point.

I read a secret the other day saying sometimes I contemplate killing myself so I can set him free. It’s a fucked up kind of love for the broken so as to not hurt people they love around them. I do these things because I can’t bring myself to take out the frustration on anything or anyone; so I take it out on myself. Somehow hurting myself makes a lot more sense to me than flipping a table or throwing shit around. It’s most likely my subconscious fear of violence throughout my life that I chose not to take my anger out on other people or things.

I always get the lecture of cutting is bad and stupid and there are better and healthier ways of dealing with my mentality but I really don't give a shit what people have to say about how I handle myself since they have no idea what its like to be me. You don't understand but most people always say they get it; really, you really don't unless you're in the same situation. I'm not talking about the emo punk ass attention whoring self-destructive behavior. I'm referring to just losing it and really doing rash things because I have no regard for my safety when I'm losing it. The physical wounds are nothing compared to the mental pains. I just wish it wouldn’t scar so badly sometimes so I don’t have to try to hide it all the time. Yes, I’m relapsing. I haven’t done it previously for a couple years aside from the occasional panicked moments. It’s happening a lot more lately, as if I’ve re-winded back to the start and made no progress at all throughout these years.

I don't think any of my psychiatric medicine is really working for me since I'm beyond repair the medication only keeps me at bay. Its not something that will ever help me recover yet I rely on it everyday just to get through the day and not go bat shit crazy and kill myself somehow. It’s scary depressing thinking about it. How all these psychiatric medications are considered to be very high dosages and for extreme cases but it does nothing for me. I don't remember what it feels like to be normal. I'm not sure if I ever had a feeling of a normal life... I can't help but wonder what else can be possibly done in the future when the medicine can't even keep me slightly leveled at all anymore. What then? It’s a fucking dead end. There is no happy ending to all these fucking pills but then again, there is no happy ending without them either. Either way, I lose; it’s only a matter of which path I choose to be defeated by in the end. I guess I chose to live with the pills because without them I probably wouldn't exist anymore to bitch about frivolous things all the time. Plus I want to live for him. Maybe I can be a better person in the future for the few people and one person I love in my life, but that’s really reaching and hoping really high up there for someone like me. It’s easy to die for someone; it’s living for someone that’s the ultimate challenge. Somehow I’m alive and living for someone else right now.

I’m really writing all over the place jumping from one subject to another that’s completely unrelated. It’s kind of hard to sum up a year in one post so I guess I’ll just gradually fill in the gaps and details of what happened and what’s happening.