Hey,

How are you doing now a days? You look so much happier in your pictures than you actually are. I wish we took more pictures together. Even if it has to be one of those forced pictures with fake smiles and poses. I just don't ever want to forget.

I wish you'd just talk to me. Just answer me. I know you read my messages. You know me well enough that it takes everything out of me to reach out first. You probably already know this but I miss you like hell. I often wonder how you're doing.

I understand why though. I started it. I walked out on you first and I wasn't there when you needed me. Don't think I've overlooked it, because I know I've done you wrong. Many times. I just never had the courage to apologize and own up to it. “I was a selfish piece of shit but you were all I had.” So hurt me, like I hurt you. Get angry, yell at me, hit me, I owed it to you. Even me asking you to do that, is just another form of selfishness- to make myself feel better. I don't know how I can make it up to you. I should have just grown the fuck up at those times so I could have been emotionally stable enough to support you like you supported me.

He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.

I can tell you how it started and how it ends. It's probably one of the worst endings I've caused. I could probably call you and ask what the fuck went wrong and where are we now, but you probably wouldn't answer. You're living your life. I'm stuck here. You're so far away from me now. I'm still stuck in a dark room watching the films of our past. Just be careful, take care of yourself because I know you can do great things. You're one of the smartest people I've ever met.


I remember our first meeting, we were so young. You were so sheltered and I was so cynical. My first impression of you weren't the best but it was mostly because my entire attitude then was “fuck the world, fuck everyone”. You chased after me when class was over and reached out to me. I really though you were just another one of those people, I couldn't wait to get away. “Just bullshit the conversation and get to your next class quick”. God, I was such an asshole. It would have been one of the biggest mistakes of my life if I actually listened to my brain that time. I'm so glad you came to me, because you were the only person I trusted during those years. You were my home.



You and I ruled those years, we were so fucking up and above the system. I still remember our train rides home clear as the day. The times when you would happily do all the talking and I'd just smile and listen, really listen. Or the times when I was being the goddamn downer and we'd sit the whole way home in silence. You didn't try to make to talk, you didn't press me about whats wrong, you were just there. I'm sorry for all the times I took advantage of your presence. It must have been hard for you, to stand by me. Also, the times when you would ride me with all the way to my stop and take the train back to the other side of the city where your house was. It doesn't matter the reason, whether we just wanted to talk more, listen to music together or sit in silence.



I miss our rebellious years, after school adventures and staying out late in the snow. How we'd stop by Rockefeller Center or St. Marks almost everyday in the winter for coffee and dinner. How we'd stay in bookstores for hours flipping through pages together. How we ran through Bryant Park in a thunderstorm laughing. How we left a puddle of water from being soaked on the subway seats and the hilarious reactions of people who were waiting for seats. "Wow it looks like we both pissed our pants on the seats." and walked out laughing. Or simply, how we always just wandered around. I was so detached. Did you know that you were the only person I let rest their head on my shoulders? The only person I let link their arms on me comfortably.


You took care of me and I hate myself so fucking much for letting you slip away when I escaped. I didn't put myself in your shoes at the time. I was so self-involved. It was always “why the fuck is this happening to me, why me, why me” and all that whiny shit. I think it may have been infectious. I should have stayed for you but I ran away. Who knows were we could have been now if I stayed. We had so many dreams and aspirations. All the things we've talked about doing got tossed along the way. Now our dreams are all up in flames with each year going by. If I could do things differently, I would have been happy, just for you. Fuck the rest of it. I wish I had that kind of willpower.


I remember being locked in the hospital. No phone calls allowed. No visitors. The one thing I wanted the most besides breaking those barred windows and jumping out, was to hear your voice or see your face. You were my reassurance. There was nothing I could do, so to remind myself that there's still a person in the world waiting for me out there- I read your favorite book. I read it over and over again on the window sill. Remember? “I would die for you, but I wont live for you.”? I didn't mind living for you at all during those times, even if it's just for a while. It's one of the reasons I'm still alive today.

I take these things so I don't feel.

I killed myself from the inside out

And all my fears have pushed you out.

Its selfish but I've always thought my presence would use to make or break your day. It actually use to and in a sick way, it reassured me. Because for the first time in my life, my existence matters to someone and effects them. You always said I was so independent and you were so dependent on me. You were wrong, I was dependent on you to depend on me. I don't know, I just wanted to keep you in my world and only mines. It must have been torture for you that I was so selfish. You were so selfless and I was so blind. I pushed you away.


I remember the last time we talked after a couple of years. We were in the restaurant we always use to go to, at those same window seats we always ask for. You mentioned your new friend. How she reminds you so much of me. “Oh shes just like you, I think you guys will get along, you should meet her!” No we won't. Want to know why? Because shes my fucking replacement and just for that I hate her. Does that make me sick? It's been a long time since that moment.

So live your life, I don't hold anything against you. Nothing you do is ever wrong in my eyes. I just really miss you sometimes. Call me one day, I'll always be here. I'm still wandering around sometimes, just without you by my side.

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