I often have many things I need, should, and want to say but I never go through with it. This happens pretty much all the time which is frustrating as hell. I'm driving myself crazy trying to internalize everything, but I never have it in me to just let go and say everything. Most of the time it's because I'm really fucking tired of hearing myself go on like a broken record. I hate becoming a hassle. It's like watching a kid trying to explain something in a hundred different ways and gestures; you have no fucking idea what they're trying to say even though what they're really trying to tell you is actually simple. I hate that. So if I ever meet myself, I'd probably hate myself, want to punch that me in the face and tell her to shut up and stop whining, its in everyone's best interest- there is no empathy.

I'm not sure if it's my pride, guard, insecurities or just how I perceive weakness and loss (or most likely its a mixture of everything topped off with sprinkles of insanity) but regardless of whatever reason it may be, in the end, nothing ever comes out. Or maybe it's because I can never figure out a way to articulate it in a way so that it's understandable or I simply just chicken out. Me vs my brain, Brain wins as usual. Fucking hell.

I stray away and get lost very easily if left alone because of this obsession. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore... I got nowhere.

Labels: bad habits, fucked up, i don't fucking know., lost, rant, stuck