I write here for myself to keep my thoughts organized about my personal uneventful life and everything
else in between. I speak Engrish for the most part. So if you're a judging close minded asshole or
excessively annoying grammar nazi - fuck you, shut up and go away. This is my place, my rules. Keep
your shoes on.
 
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Friday, January 20, 2012 @ 3:40 AM
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 It's been 3 months since I started this and I realize that my posts or blogging is getting more sparse with time but most nights I just don't have the stamina to organize my thoughts. At least I haven't rage and deleted everything yet. I try hard not to look back and read any of my old entries or I'll end up deleting everything. Writing would probably be something like yoga comparatively to me. I mean if yoga actually worked (which it doesn't for me) I can't multitask while I try to mentally outline topics to bitch about and how I should go about it. It doesn't help that my life is just boring while I'm generally angry for no particular reason. Maybe that's what makes it so much harder for me to keep up with blogging - My life is boring as fuck, I'm boring and I'm bored. I don't know why I'm randomly thinking of that South Park episode where all the people who have anger issues have small penises. Yeah, I don't even have a penis- therefore I am angry. Actually it's most likely just me PMSing. I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about... I should really change the layout of this thing soon. I'm getting sick of this one. As far as following through with my new years resolution goes, it's mostly failures with small successes. The success is mostly me giving myself too much credit for trivial things. What can I say? I haven't rage quit any of my jobs yet. I finally hauled my ass into the DMV today to get a proper ID after putting it off for years and so I can start driving soon before the Spring semester starts. Oh, and I actually went into school for paperwork and all that stuff I generally avoid and screw myself over with. So far the past two days in a row I've done somethings somewhat productive on my endless to do list since I have more days off lately. I think I've been saying I'll go to the DMV for the past 4 or 5 years now and I've put it off until just today. So yeah, small victories. On the other hand, I haven't entirely quit smoking like I said I would. Well my excuse is that just because its the first day of the first month of the year, doesn't mean it has to be the benchmark of when I quit. I think its really become more of a habit to me rather than me actually needing to do it. It's like drinking coffee in the morning, caffeine doesn't do much for me but I drink coffee religiously anyway. Honestly, I can go through my shift or entire days without smoking and I'd feel completely fine. Maybe it's just because I still have whatever I have left. The allotted amount I was suppose to smoke in a lifetime hasn't been entirely finished... literally. Workplace2 has been cutting my shifts so I'm down to working there only Friday and Saturday nights, at least for the past week and this week I'm not sure if that's how my schedule is going to be from now on. I'm not making as much since I only work 4 days a week now but I'm honestly a bit relieved in some ways since the work was starting eat away at me. Mentally and physically so this will give me a good about of "down time", I'm like an old machine- I need a lot of down time or I'll start feeling overwhelmed constantly. I generally have bad posture + I lift with my back so my backs been killing me lately. Another thing to add to my list of things that makes me seem like some miserable old bastard. All the gossip and work drama hasn't exactly made it easier to go in. I well aware that I'm actually always late by 5-15 minutes to work. No one really said anything previously but people are starting to talk and I got asked about it in workplace1. I mean, I work overtime all the time and dinner doesn't really "start" or get busy until after 6 or 7 so me being late at the beginning of my shift doesn't matter at all. I tend to justify things in my own head and stubbornly believe it. That's what gets me in trouble most of the time. The thing is, I don't think I'd care too much if I get fired for being late a couple minutes all the time. They're basically doing the dirty work for me. I go in late to workplace2 most of the time as well, they notice but they never really say anything about it. I think its the fact that I work 1-2 hours overtime because of closing work and their incompetence with settling sales. I've been thinking way too much lately and I can feel myself relapsing all over again. There's this headache and general pain that won't go away no matter what I take. Maybe it's all in my head or I'm just straining it. I sure as hell didn't get too far with getting my life together so far. All I've been doing is work a meaningless job, it's income and it's something that fills up the days but everyday is almost exactly the same. I seriously think I'm bipolar sometimes. On some rare occasions I'd randomly have epiphanies about getting my life together. Most of the time, it happens when I hit rock bottom or the other half of the time would be something random like me walking down a street alone and realizing how beautiful the moon is that night. Fucking poet right? No, seriously it's just weird. It's getting harder to not give up or just rage and say fuck it. I'd have idealistic ideas of how I should go about my life, change and fix everything about it all at once - but then when time comes to actually do all the things I tell myself I will do- I flake out- "Next time." My mind is tired of me lying to myself all the fucking time. It really does feel like I'm betraying myself when I don't follow through most of the time. Who am I kidding? Can't even kid myself. Yeah, as if I can solve everything I've fucked up on overnight and wake up one morning with a clean slate. Wouldn't that be ideal.  I've been meaning to pick up the guitar again and really give it my all this time. I need something to fill up the days and music has always been the one that was always there for me. What great company it is. Anyway, so just when I decide I want to start playing seriously, the E string snaps while I was toning it. Fucking great, I don't have spares. Being me, it's going to take me another 6 months just to get around to buying new strings. No really, its something I really want to do now. I don't know, I just feel like I'm incomplete without it. I guess I just want to be a part of something that's so important to me. To be able to play something and maybe attempt to sing something with my shitty voice. Run away and become a Rock star or just lose myself out there. Okay, being really cheesy aside; not really, I'm a cynic about being a starving artist- I just want to be able to play well since music has always been my best way of communicating.  The emptiness is starting to take over again. I'm known for being cold and an ice queen in general. There were times I've had to say things I don't want to say just because its the right and best thing to do for the person. I intentionally make them hate me or resent me because it's whats best for them. Or I'd intentionally be harsh with my decisions. The thing about that is, even though I know I did the right thing and things are better off this way, I still feel like shit. Why? because a person I care about will have nothing but resentment left for me. Then that slowly turns into nothing in time. Just nothing. I become just another bad memory, simple as that. Just as intended but they'll never know why. All they'll ever know is that I was such a fucking cold hearted bitch at that moment. How can I do or say such things? Because its the only way I can stop hurting you. Because I'm the parasite, the poison, the source. I kill myself off and me being me, I'll always remember even as time dulls everything out for the other person.  I'm not sure if I'm justifying this or if I'm just a coward. I do tend to have a bad habit of sabotaging everything good in my life because I feel like as if I don't deserve it so I never really accept it. Eventually I'll just start to space myself off because I'm more obsessive than I let off. When I start to feel like I'm getting pulled in or getting way too attached to a point where I may actually get hurt for letting my guard down, I shut down all over again. Its just something that's always in the back of my head- don't get too comfortable with what you have or where you are; because that's how you get hurt. And it will be no ones fault but your own for being vulnerable or believing. On the other hand, I hate it when I realize I might be caring or giving more than I should because I don't like to win. My idea of love is selfish and overprotective. I end up thinking or coming to a conclusion that I care about that person more than they care about me. Like the whole "Love is not a competition but I'm winning" thing. (I listened to that song because of the title. Turned out well.) So there's the huge dilemma- both ways, whether I'm being cared for or when I'm caring too much ends with bad conclusions. Why? ...I just am. It's a sick concept. Always my own worst enemy.  I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I've been drowning myself with music lately but music has never been recovery for me. It's more like how misery loves company. I want it to speak for me, to sing for me, to scream for me- because I can't express myself correctly. Reminds me of some remarks made about music I listen to. It's like the words or random sentences still echo in my head. My mind really does work like a broken record. Things like -Why do you listen to such depressing music when you're already sad? Most of your songs are sad. You listened to a few Goo Goo Dolls albums in a row that night, you must have been really lonely. Music is my company when I'm miserable. It's my escapism. I've been listening to the Goo Goo Dolls and Lydia a lot lately along with some of my other favorite artists on shuffle. Mostly Lydia's album Illuminate- This Is Twice Now Lately, I've been feeling more frustrated than usual with my environment and situation. The feeling of being stuck. The walls are caving in on me. I can't want until I can just up and go. My only motivation right now is to work and finish school, do whatever I have to so I can get to a point where I can do that. Up and go. Just go. Anywhere. Goddamn, my entry is all over the place. Labels: fucked up, job, mentality, music, relationships, resolutions, schedule, school 4 Comments:
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