月の詩


輝いた真っ白なTシャツ 
水しぶきに浮かぶ虹
ぼんやりと見つめてる空を
いくつもの風が遊ぶ


何もないことが二人だけの幸せだった


誰よりも深く 心まで溺れて
今もこの場所で 君だけを見つめて
二度と戻らない 夢ならば壊して
忘れられなくて もう一度逢い


たい 蜃気楼を重ねて
君の影、拾い集め


時計の針を止めたままで待ち続ける


眠れない夜もため息の朝も
君の大好きな月の詩を


いつからか遠く体まで離れて
今はこの場所に僕だけを残して
ずっと変わらない二人だと信じた
あの頃のようにもう一度、愛した…

I told you, you'd give up on me.

I'm alive but not living. The other day I read something like "She was smart, until she fell in love." I instantly thought well fuck me and fuck pretty words and empty promises. I just want to erase myself and life for a while. I think that's what I'm doing. Because now that I think back about all the little things and observed myself from how helpless I was, I can see clearly people treated me like shit despite all their pretty little lies and I let them because I wanted so badly for it to be. But then again sometimes (as much as I try not to) I think back and I can't help but feel a bit bitter. Those who claimed I am everything but turned their back on me; it turns out I don't think too much of them either after analyzing all thats happened. I was disillusioned by all their bullshit, being treated like shit and taken for granted because I don't play the game like every girl should? I guess its true that people don't appreciate what they have and only covet what they can't or don't have; being addicted to the chase. It's all just an ego boost if the person wins. It's disgusting. I honestly thought I was smarter than that but I was just buried under the illusion of a grandiose image. 

Seriously.

I. felt. so. fucking. stupid.

and maybe I generally am.

But I didn't think I was this insignificant.

I've made myself easily disposable.

Fuck me.

Well, it's 7am and can't sleep anymore. I'm slowly losing track of my life, but maybe I'll start pouring all my emo whining rants here again to keep myself sane. Because I don't know where I am anymore.

Labels: alone, depressed, fucked up, gackt, hurt, letting go, lies, life, lost, mad, memories, mistakes, ocd, poem, quote, rant, relationships, resolutions, truths

Labels: alone, bad days, bad habits, depressed, falling, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., i miss you, insomnia, letting go, lies, lost, love, mentality, reflections, relationships, self destructive

Labels: alone, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, depressed, falling, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., i miss you, lost, relationships

“here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.”
― Haruki Murakami

Its been a battle just trying to get some time on the phone with him and every time I finally do get permission which is rather said because otherwise without it, all my calls are ignored. The entire phone call just starts with hostility. I don't know where it is coming from, it only makes me think you hate me now. Theres no more exceptions. But even towards are stranger you aren't so harsh. Thats why I can't hold back the tears, hearing your hatred and annoyance in your voice simply because you have to take my phone call is very disheartening. Every word pierces like a needle with your anger and tone. Theres not the slightest tone of remorse of a lost love or that I was loved at all. Usually I don't put up with people who treat me like shit, but time and time again I try to get across to you facing your anger. You don't even realize I'm already changing all my standards and self respect for you. You think you can hear it by tone or life decisions, but you'll never really know all of it. I'm willing to take all the hits as long as I get to stay a part of your life, even if its an insignificant part out of pity. We say we're going to take some time off; I know for sure I'll never love anyone like I do you, but you already brought up the part of moving on to new people who makes us happier. I thought I made you happy or you loved me for the way I made you feel. So if you're actively looking for a new love while I;n loyally waiting for yours, what do I do then? Winter break, spring break, all of it is still not enough time for you. When is there enough time? I don't want to be led on with illusions of a second chance and left even more broken.


I can see you deleting me from all the parts of your life already. So I erased myself from face book entirely. I only wrote and updated about us to begin with. I have no use for it anymore. Have you realized your life is a lot simpler and happier without me existing in your world? I don't see any reason otherwise to your constant harsh tone filled with discontent and annoyance. There was a time when you wanted me to talk to you and make my whole world about you. Now that it is, my whole world is falling apart. I gave you everything I had mentally and physically. but the happiness I thought we had wasn't enough to keep you here. I feel like such a fool. Stupid Stupid girl. I always feel for your pretty words and you can lie to me and deceive me and I'll probably still fall for it anyway because I've given up all my self respect to make you happy. You never realized it or acknowledge it. Or else we wouldn't be at this point where you're telling me I am poison and will never change. I've changed so much more than you know inside and out in order to please you. I'm just a foolish girl in the end.  I gave you myself and now it feels like you threw my heart on the pavement, stepped all over it, and backed up your car a few times over it.

“But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
― Haruki Murakami

“I want you always to remember me. Will you remember that I existed, and that I stood next to you here like this?” ― Haruki Murakami

When did I mean so little that you can discard me just like that at first without even a thought of trying. Am I the only one whose stupid and refuse to let go because I believe we owe it to ourselves to give it a try? If you're actively looking for a new love that will please you  mentally and physically in all the ways you want without speaking back to you, I'll still wait in the background. I've waiting for 8 years watching you love and live your life with someone else in silence. Its selfish to only want someone who never speaks back and  is best for you because they treat you well and need you. Its all about your satisfaction. But what about the other person? will you love them simply because they are like your pet and obey you in every sense?  You love them because they love you? Or would you rather love someone not out of selfishness but truly love someone because they are the amazing person you always thought them to be, even if they aren't what you need from a relationship thats all about you.

 You were hurt and made a huge deal when I broke several promises, but you broke every single promise you made to me since day one doing this and I can still find it in my heart to forgive you. But I'm still holding onto your promises. You're a man of your word right? then stop taking the easy way out like I'm so disposing whore.who means nothing so you can brush off and trash me anytime. If you love someone fight for them if you don't even put up a struggle and fight, that only tells the world, yourself and me that person didn't mean much to you to begin with. Its frustrating no matter how you try to justify your actions. And most of all, it hurts. It pains me to every part of me to see thats all I was worth.



Despite everything, It's only about what you believe to be true and the correct approach. Just you and your stubborn believes that your words and thoughts are absolute. Are you not capable of mistakes? Are you god? Is it only your way or the highway?Either way it feels like I'm getting run over and trampled by things flying by me. So why don't you just pull the trigger because I'm slowly dying by your hands and relentless beliefs in your own point of view.

I'm willing to compromise everything and to try everything, but why is it that you can just stomp around in anger without doing your part of what we need to improve. It's not just all me, so please stop treating me like shit every time I try to get through to you and have a solid understand on both sides. The way you act and behave. The way you constantly try to get away and hang up. It'd all so harsh, do you see or hear yourself? I do. But I still love you. I never said I was smart but everything you've done to me and got me to believe has opened up a pandora's box I can't close. And it's all for you. Ive chanced a lot more than you recognize over all this time, you're just blinded by whatever it is you want to call how you treat me to acknowledge any of it.



Either way, I'm waiting for you and my voice never to reach you changes into a sad song. I think for now, I'll just bury myself with school since I'm literally all alone. Theres no one reaching out to me and there is no longer anyone I can reach out to for help and support anymore. I feel like I have zero friends and nobody in my life as always. But its nothing new. I'll just pretend I woke up from a really long dream and I'm back to where I was. No matter how much suffering I went through I never want to let go of these memories. As long as you remember me, I don't care of everyone else forgets.

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star. It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.” ― Haruki Murakami

Labels: alone, apathetic, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., lost, relationships, sad, self-esteem, sorrow, tired, truths

Labels: alone, breaking everything, death, depressed, fucked up, goo goo dolls, hurt, insomnia, letting go, lies, lost, lyrics, mistakes, relationships, sad

Labels: alone, bad days, breaking everything, communication, depressed, dull, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i miss you, insomnia, miserable, mistakes, relationships, sad, smoking, sorry, stuck, tired

I miss you so much more than you know...

Labels: alone, bad days, communication, depressed, dull, falling, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., i miss you, insomnia, lost, love

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do anything.
I feel completely helpless and more vulnerable than I've ever been.
This is going to be the longest week of my life.

Just don't ever forget our bond and love for each other and how its above everything.

I hope the right decision is made after all we've been through all these years. You can't say you love somebody and do something so cruel without any remorse or trying; crushing them to dust because I'm already broken. I can't handle anymore of it.

If it's all taken away, I no longer have a purpose in life. The future we dreamt of together ends before it even started. Don't you see that we haven't even started the rest of our lives yet, this is just the beginning and the stepping stone to our relationship and theres bond be mistakes in the beginning. But we will learn from them.and learn to love more.

Love is above all that remorse and grief. We were just so naive but we can take this as a lesson. Never take the amazing person you fell in love for granted and find that unconditional love.

We deserve way more than a chance at happiness together because we're meant to be. I fell for the person you were before all of this and under it all, I'll always love you for who you are, regardless.The universe and the world is such a large place and out of billions of people and after a decade, life brought us together and I've never stopped loving you. This merits a lot more than just not giving a shit anymore and throwing in the towel.

I hope he comes around and understand what I'm trying to say. We belong together.

Labels: alone, bad days, bad habits, beginning, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, falling, frustration, fucked up, hurt, insomnia, life, lost, love

I don't even know how to express how I feel. Sometimes, it just cuts so deep. And I keep wondering what the hell went wrong. Was there a huge defining moment that changed it all or did things just accumulate over time? I really don't know. Maybe I'm looking for someone to blame because I don't understand anything. Nothing was ever perfect, but I can't pinpoint where it went wrong. I guess I need closure. I just want to know what the hell happened. I thought we were good. But I always think that - in my mind, everything is perfect, fine the way they are. And then someone tells me this isn't enough and I can do nothing but agree. If you say this isn't enough, then it isn't. I can't change how you feel even if it invalidates my own emotions. I get pissed off and say, I'm giving you all I've got and your response? Not good enough.


So it isn't good enough for you, okay. Your words fucking gut me, but okay, you're entitled to feel this way who am I to say anything different? Your feelings are your own and no matter what I do, I can't prove you wrong. So it isn't enough and you want to walk. And you walk. But if you're gonna go, can you take everything with you? Can you just take it all with you?

Oh, you don't give a shit. But I get so frustrated. Because maybe this can be fixed but what do we go back to? There's nothing. That shit kills me. And you - you're all, Get the fuck over it. Move on, because I already have. So live your life. I don't hold anything against you. I just can't help but miss you all the time. And no one really understands. I can't really tell anyone either. Well, I'm standing on my own now and I know you are too. But there are so many questions and certain things keep replaying in my mind - there was a moment, I know there was. I know the date. I remember the words. And I know I was wrong. So I keep going back to that moment - and it's truly the one thing I regret. I always go back to that day.

If I didn't love you, I wouldn't be in agony right now. And I'm always torn between wanting to let you know how much I care and pretending that I don't anymore. Because you basically said fuck it, because you saw that I was hurting and you still said, fuck it, get over yourself. And still all I want, all I need is to let you know that I loved you to the best of my ability. Even things we thought were meant forever won't last. But I don't want you to look back and think, She never loved me. She doesn't give a fuck.

Labels: alone, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, depressed, falling, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., lies, life, lost, love

So taunt me, and hurt me,
Deceive me, desert me,
I'm yours till I die,

So in love,
So in love,
So in love with you, my love, am I.

Nothings ever going to be the same. I'm falling apart all over the place and no one is ever here. Although theres always friends, I've come to a point in my life where I feel like I have no one. I was so delusional to think I'm worthy of love. This emptiness is killing me. This silence I use to embrace is driving me crazy. I opened up too much and let myself go too much, now it's the beginning of the end. Story of my life. I was naive to think there are such things such as happy endings or fairy tales. Look where I am now. Nowhere and here. Still the same place I always was and regressing.


I'm down on my knees, hurt and terrified. I've never been at a point in my life where I was so afraid to lose someone that I have panic attacks and black out. The minute he hung up, I panicked and stopped breathing or living. My biggest fear of opening up only to have someone walk out on me happened again. People always get fed-up and sick of me and my shit. I naturally drive people away being broken. I guess no one wants the malfunctioning inferior one after all.. who would choose otherwise. I always said and thought if that ever happens it's over. It happened and it was like everything in and around me sunk to the bottom but, I still love him. Sometimes its the people we love that hurts us the most and we let them because life has no purpose without them. Its sink or die. Where did it all go wrong? When did you realize your love really isn't imperishable? That it isn't unconditional after all.  When did you start loving me less and less... I wish I got a heads up because I love you all the same and more so than I do myself. I've never begged anyone in my life.

But you but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
"Do you like to hurt?"
"I do! I do!"
"Then hurt me."

I haven't been so broken down since my childhood and trying to survive the abuse and death. I've lost myself and given myself away and now my heart and life is in someone else's hands. All free to step all over or rip apart freely. I'm not as strong as people think. I've tried to be a solid wall all these years and at the end its just tiresome. I'm burnt out from all the pain and hurt acquired and I can't carry anymore. I gave up on myself years ago just like that and because of that. Living is so tiresome and life hasn't been very friendly. I can feel myself shutting down all over again and falling back into the deep dark pit I've dug myself in over the years. I'll be whatever people want me to be or wish I was because no one accepts the real me in its entire form. I should have known better. I'll be your rag doll.

It hurts too much to want anymore; to wish for any more.  I wish you'd talk to me more and show me you love me more, because god knows I need it. I can barely breathe. I'm torn...

Labels: alone, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, depressed, falling, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., life, lost, love

Labels: alone, depressed, fucked up, i don't fucking know., insanity, life, love exposure, media, music, song

I'm dazed out and half intoxicated. There's blood everywhere... dripping down onto my clothes, thighs, arms, floor... I don't know what happened...what the fuck is wrong with me.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.” —Charlie

Labels: bad habits, drinking, falling, fucked up, health, hurt, i don't fucking know., insomnia, lost, sorry, stuck, tired

I often have many things I need, should, and want to say but I never go through with it. This happens pretty much all the time which is frustrating as hell. I'm driving myself crazy trying to internalize everything, but I never have it in me to just let go and say everything. Most of the time it's because I'm really fucking tired of hearing myself go on like a broken record. I hate becoming a hassle. It's like watching a kid trying to explain something in a hundred different ways and gestures; you have no fucking idea what they're trying to say even though what they're really trying to tell you is actually simple. I hate that. So if I ever meet myself, I'd probably hate myself, want to punch that me in the face and tell her to shut up and stop whining, its in everyone's best interest- there is no empathy.

I'm not sure if it's my pride, guard, insecurities or just how I perceive weakness and loss (or most likely its a mixture of everything topped off with sprinkles of insanity) but regardless of whatever reason it may be, in the end, nothing ever comes out. Or maybe it's because I can never figure out a way to articulate it in a way so that it's understandable or I simply just chicken out. Me vs my brain, Brain wins as usual. Fucking hell.

I stray away and get lost very easily if left alone because of this obsession. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore... I got nowhere.

Labels: bad habits, fucked up, i don't fucking know., lost, rant, stuck

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like all I can do is keep writing this gibberish to keep from breaking apart.

I'm trying not to be this way. I really am. It seems like I've been chronically stuck with Charlie Brown syndrome or something. Not sure what to do or what to think- Do I actually believe this or do I just want to believe it... it's so tiring trying to figure everything out and find a logical meaning. What appears to be the simplest always become the most complicated. I often wonder if I'm really just being stupid and delusional when it all boils down. This is why I stay apathetic, otherwise I self destruct under all the insecurities. The disease in me is overpowering. I can't keep my thoughts together anymore, I can barely keep up. I'm writing complete nonsense, I need to stop. The only way I know how to deal with this is to start isolating myself from others for minimal damage. I can't stand myself whenever I'm like this, it's repulsive.

Something really is wrong with me. And I don't know what it is.

Labels: bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, drama, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., life, mentality, ocd, self-esteem

Labels: fucked up, job, mentality, music, relationships, resolutions, schedule, school

Although it feels just like any other day, tonight marks the beginning of a new year and I need change. So what better day is there to go over my resolutions or just anything I need or want to do for the next year.

Labels: fucked up, health, memories, mentality, new years, past year, reflections, resolutions