I write here for myself to keep my thoughts organized about my personal uneventful life and everything
else in between. I speak Engrish for the most part. So if you're a judging close minded asshole or
excessively annoying grammar nazi - fuck you, shut up and go away. This is my place, my rules. Keep
your shoes on.
 
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Friday, October 18, 2013 @ 12:29 PM
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 Love is so short, but forgetting is so long. I gave him what he wanted— To disappear from his life. Are you happy? Happier? Relieved of me burdening you? I’ve been tortured enough growing up and I’m not strong enough to take even more extensive heartbreak and pain for the next half a year with no signs of progress on your side or intentions of you trying too. The way things have been lately just entirely sunk my heart to the ground. You said it’s for my own good at first, but that isn’t the case as I continuously explain to blind ears. Now it’s just because of how I am negative. I’ve always been a cynic from the very beginning, what have changed? The extent of what remains of your love for me couldn’t overlook it anymore like before as we had made each other exceptions all along, but all of the sudden, everything I do is wrong or flawed. I told you I was broken and cynical from the start. Why did you bother if you were going to just do this? You broke me more than ever.
I forced myself to be invisible and a ghost of your past as you moved on from our childhood crush and loved other girls previous to me. That itself was hell for me even though you were unaware of it all these years I lingered. Now it’s even harder after we found each other and I loved you more than myself, more than anything or anyone. But this is all it’s come to… I put what remained in me on this and lost. I thought you would be capable of loving me even if I can’t love myself, to love me in my place, but I was wrong. But I love you; I was capable of loving you and even my psychiatrist found that shocking for someone as broken as me. I don’t think I’ll ever be capable or trust and be entirely vulnerable again.
I've been holding everything in since it happened. It felt like a couple hundred years has gone by as each it eats away at me each and every second of the day. I haven’t left my room for a couple of weeks because this emptiness is killing me. In some ways the pain feels like a sickness to me, where I’m bed bound but sobbing everyday until I eventually fall asleep in the morning for a couple of hours if I'm lucky, otherwise I'm up for days to a breaking point. At one point I went around a week without sleep and blacked out on the floor. I made the mistake of trying to apologize to my mom while it was happening. My car got booted and the release fee was around $700. I am adding negatives to my non-existent income sigh. And I got the usual mental abuse afterwards because of the fee (but most of the tickets weren’t on my watch…) and the fact that I haven’t left my room in a week like a ghost. I thought I could just apologize so I can try to get to school and do whatever is humanly possible to make up for the time. Instead, I broke down and everything spilled. It was the first time in my life my mom has hugged me while I cried my heart out. I still got the full lecture of being a stupid girl for making him my whole word.
I always thought that’s what true love is; entirely sincere love where you bet all your chips on your significant other and if they love you as much as you do them, they would do the same. I always said I was an all or nothing person. I don’t see a point in frivolous dating a couple dozen people in my life to settle down. I wanted it to be my first and last love, with the last being a happily ever after. Does that only happen in movies? I mean everything else that happened to us the past year is beyond cinematic, yet our ending distanced and one sided unlike the movies where the guy comes around and realizes he doesn’t want to live everyday without the love of his life. That he wants to be by your side for the rest of his life, he want to eat together, talk together, sleep together, be together.
Once upon a time he told me all the same things and he was always good at saying pretty words— I love you. I want to be the one to help put you back together and make you happy again. I don’t care if you’re broken; I still love you. You’re the ideal one, Even with your flaws you’re perfect to me, I have no doubt that I want to make you mines forever, I want a future with you, I’ll never give up on you, I’ll always fight for you even if it means I have to fly instantly there the minute you fall for someone else I’d make you mines again. There won’t be any other girl after because you’re the last person I’m going to love because you’re mines. You won't do our things with another girl, or say the same things, will you? Because all the pretty words you got me to believe in naively were only words in the end. The promises turned into lies. I was so delusional and I was scare at first. Will any of our promises really happen? Every time I see you, I fall in love with you all over like it's the first time we met, and each day the amount only increases each moment going by and so, you eventually got me to believe in all your words. Why didn't you stop me? Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much if you didn’t encourage me to let go and love you entirely. Just like I wanted to be asphyxiated by your love. Now it's all a burden to you. I noticed the signs and experienced your rejection to who I am gradually but I always thought we were above all that. That you wouldn't think less of me because of who I am, because I never thought any less of you no matter what you do. Even when you make me feel like shit, I can never really hate you or belittle you.
The previous day I got an email with your usual I love you, the next day, you wanted nothing to do with me because it’s too hard for you? I think what kills me is that I agreed to change myself for you but it’s still not good enough because you manage to find any word I say as me being me. People only see what they want to see sometimes and selectively make that their reality and are so convinced they can't see the whole puzzle. I don't think anything I could say will be right for you anymore because somehow you manage to nitpick some tiny detail and magnify it as me being the usual me and not changing or trying at all. I'm no saint, but I really am trying my best. You just don't want to see it or believe it. I’ve always been a cynic and I’ve always hated myself, but can’t you believe and love me in my place until I can get to a place or moment in my life where I don’t hate myself. You already knew that coming in, and it only broke me more. People forget the person they fell in love with in the first place so often. Resentment starts piling up after the chase is done and slowly people will forget the amazing person they fell in love with in the first place because that person has sacrificed everything to be with you all that time and over time, they become nothing but an ordinary person. It’s sad really because suddenly the person that you say is your ideal becomes what you hate. I don’t think love goes with the way you treated me. If you really love someone why would you want them to continuously suffer? To act like they are no one, reply once a day or every other day. Refuse to pick up any calls and hanging up whenever you want.
“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”
You can easily change and get over something, but I can't. I can't change my mind easily, but when I do, I don't easily go back. You're different from me. That's what makes me even more scared and angry. Ever since we met you've never put anyone ahead of me. You even turn down people who you could've hung out with as friends to stay with me. You didn't even do or make most of your exceptions for any girl or person besides me. You always stayed by my side whenever I needed you. You forgave me and accepted me regardless of what I am or did. You always placed me first, but now you think I expect too much out of you, right? A lot has changed. I can't trust you anymore. Breaking up has always been easy for you, hasn't it?
I only wish you could have been more considerate. I know you think the flaw is all me for being me or the way I am, but on a broader spectrum of this tragedy, instead of staying by me side to support me and support me as I've agreed to change and that I do want to become a better person for you; I’ve just been thrown to the curb to fend for myself as you shut down every door in a hurry. You're just running away. That’s why I’m pathetic for still loving and not letting go even though I felt wronged and hurt beyond what you know. As if I’m clinging onto your feet as you walk out on me without looking back, then kicking me off. Then kick me a few more times as I'm down. Was that the extent of your love you claim still exist? Don't treat me like this just because I love you, because all those things you did and treated me as are what you do to people you hate. Did you ever wonder why I hurt myself? It was because I felt hurt, every time someone I love hurts me, I take it out on myself instead of the person I love. The more I'm hurt, the more I'll take it out on myself. Its how I naturally am. I wont punch the walls and try to break everything or any of that. So I take the fall, but you were so instantly preoccupied with yourself instead every single time and act like I'm repulsive instead of just comforting me. The pain of the flesh is nothing compared to the pain of the soul. I agreed to stop my self destructive behavior as you said thats the biggest thing but it wasn't enough for you.
I wasn’t worth that much to you after all. If I was the only one you loved so deeply why are you doing this over the phone? I thought if I meant so much to you, I would at least merit you seeing me and discussing this in person, even if I had to be the one to come as we see each other one last time as a righteous farewell. Even if it might be hurtful and heartbreaking, we owe it to each other. Instead you say you refuse to see me and continued being petty and selfish by hanging up, leaving me hanging for days or ignoring everything just because you know that’s the only means of me contacting you from across the country while I’m back in NYC. You said you’d never let me go and would fight for me no matter what, in the end, I was the only one fighting for the both of us. But I realized none of it really didn’t mean much after all that’s done and said because of how cowardly you were breaking up and running away the way you did. I thought you’d cherish me as much as I do you after all we’ve been through but I was wrong. Love is not a competition, but I'm winning. But sadly in this, the winner is actually the one losing it all.
In reality, people are very calculating of everything, even in relationships. I don't want that, its so tiring to play mind games in relationships. I hate it and I hate seeing it or the idea of it. Maybe thats why the only results I'll get from relationships is heartbreak, because I take it too sincerely to the heart when people see relationships as a come and go thing. It's really annoying being told that it happens, I was just not smart enough to play it my way. Should I say sorry I was being too sincere in a relationship and I don't take love frivolously? Should I apologize for being sincere? Maybe just to myself. I am more foolish than I want to believe I am. Also to be told that in life you'll have many relationships before finding someone to settle down with. No shit, it's not that I'm oblivious to all of that, it's just that I find all of that very belittling to love and myself. Or the love people throw around so easily and I don't want to do that. I really can't be bothered, thats why I was never really interested in meeting people or looking for someone. What happens happens and I only took one chance with the person I thought was the one and I was too idealistic in my mind to think that someone will really accept me for all that I am. Love is a foolish thing and love is childish by nature. So even when I'm so sure I'm immune to many things by now, it gets to me eventually.
You never even tried.
Yet none of this means I hate him, I'm just really disappointed and feel betrayed beyond what I thought was possible. And theres nothing I can do but wait for it to fade away with time. To dull it all out someday. Labels: alone, bad day, breaking everything, depressed, falling, frustration, health, hurt, i don't fucking know., letting go, lies, life, lost, love, memories, mistakes, reflections, relationships, sad, tired Thursday, October 10, 2013 @ 5:54 AM
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I don't know what’s wrong with me. It's like all I can do is write gibberish to keep from breaking apart. Should I be happy that we're friends? Or should I cry because that's all we'll ever going to be now? People think that if you love somebody unconditionally and hard enough then everything is just going to work out. Well, people are wrong. I guess my love wasn't enough for you. It wasn't enough to keep you. This only reminds me of what I’ve mistaken myself for; I became so delusional thanks to you that I came to a point where I thought for once maybe I am worth something. But it was all a lie. I am nothing and still am nothing. I am easily forgettable and just as easily dispensable as I always was and still am. All I am to you now is a stain you want to erase. With everything going on and whats happened, I feel cheated. Just because I'm in a distance it doesn't meant that should be taken advantage of, to try to break up over the phone and hang up and refuse to answer calls. I thought our love merits more than that. That we owe it to each other to do this in person and talk this out in person, but I got totally shut down.
I can't help but feel like I was nothing. I didn't triumph or mean anything more than any of his ex's. At least he gave them changes and did it in person. It's so cruel. How can anyone say they never loved anyone so much and pull this? I wasn't given even 1/8 the chance he gave his past girlfriends who "didn't mean anything". But I actually in face feel like I mean nothing with all the dead bolt stops and lack of consideration. If you say you never loved as you have loved me before, how can you do this to me? Over the phone? Its entirely heartbreaking and frustrating. I never got a single chance. How can it be done like this... I feel so insignificant. I really wish I can see him and talk it over and be treated like an actual person. He says it hurts too much to see or talk to me, but what about me? Have you given a second to think what you've done to me at those moments. I wanted to die. At those time and even sometimes now you were so preoccupied with just how you feel or how its hard on you and hurt you, what about me...? I wonder if it ever came across for a second that it was killing me too, but you were more important to me than that.
I’m trying to get my life back together but I cant help but feel like I’m falling into a deeper dark pit in my mind as each day passes by. I know I was the one who begged pathetically for a second chance for us, that we at least owe each other that much. Nut how can there be any progress when you threat me so harshly while I’m trying my bet to yield to you like I’m walking on eggshells everyday just trying to send you a mere text I feel like I have to because what I say in cause you get pissed off and decide its not worth your time. All your pretty words are just words. Those statements that I mean more to you than anyone in your life disregarding the amount of time we’ve been together, I beat them all. I don’t think that’s true. If he was willing to try for a couple of years to make things work for a girl that he told me I mean so much more than, then why don’t our relationship merit the same chance? It should be that we’d try even harder than you have with your ex’s that I so called triumph over by miles, but that’s not the case. You were ready to just up and go, saying “I’m sorry” and hanging up as I cried begging you to not leave me hanging like this. I tried my best to be strong for the both of us for the sake of our relationship that you got me to believe in so deeply that I can’t do anything without you. The most terrifying thing in my life right now is losing you. It has almost been my greatest fear but I thought we were above that and I believe in all your promises forever. I was smitten by all your pretty words that were nothing but words after all based on the harsh way you treated me.
Am I the only one who’s fighting for us? Am I doing it for the both of us? My heart is sore from all the pain. I realize no matter how hard I cling to you, it doesn’t matter unless you reciprocate those feelings you once had for me. Like that saying, you can drag a horse to river, but you can’t force it to drink the water. Am I just pushing on a dead end? Based on how he acts and treats me, it seems like this extended break is just to shut me up so I would stop calling in panic and terrified but getting nothing but the voicemail machine. 20 missed calls, 30 missed calls, 40 missed calls. I’m pathetic. I always thought of myself as I don’t need any man in my life and there’s nothing that can affect me so much. But you, you got me to believe in all your promises and tore me open. Broke down my walls and all for this. It’s out of my control not because my life and heart is in your hands now to crush and step all over on, to run over and back up a few times over with your car.
I still think about everything over and over again trying to make sense of a love letter from you one night saying you love me and less than a day later, its all over and up in flames. It’s really unfair but I guess no one cause about justice when it comes to that. I have no say it in. I have no power over it. You made all the calls and still do. It was your decision and I had absolutely no saying in it. Does that sound fear in a relationship I thought was so much more or was I just in over my head. Did you love me more when I wasn’t yours? Are people really just addicted to the chase and the moment when you win the person over entirely, they become normal and nothing to you. We fall in love with this amazing person and overtime they become so normal to us and we forget and take them for granted. It hurts. It was that pedestal you put them on up so high and the fall is more bone shattering from heights so high. The higher it is the more the outcome of pain will be from way up there. You were in love with the idea of who you think the person is versus learning more about the person day by day. I’m sorry I wasn’t what you thought I am and I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to all you want me to me. I am a failure and didn’t live up to your expectations. I can still remember clearly all the things he told me that got me so vulnerable now.
When you told me if you’d never let me go or lose me. Even if I were to give up on you, you’ll never give up on me like I gave up on myself. That if I was to fall out of your reach, you’d immediately hop on a plane right away and pull me back into your arms. How confident you were so sure that it was me and no one else can make you feel that way or take my place. That you’re confident I’m the only person for you and you’re absolutely sure that your future is me because I was all you ever wanted and no one can make you feel the way I do. That you want to become the perfect man for me no matter how hard you have to try because you believe there’s no one else in this world who is better suited for me and that loves me more than you do. That you’re absolutely sure no one loves me more than you do. Telling me that if it’s not me in your life, it won’t do. You can’t go on with life without me, but it seems like you’re doing just fine and happier while I’m here suffering every second of it. Is it really that easy to take back all those words of that magnitude so easy? To turn your back on all that you said? Don’t you feel the least bit of remorse?
So after all that's said and done, all those words that meant the world to me that pulled me closer and closer to you each day was a lie. When you said we should go our own ways, and find that person that makes us happy without so much trouble it was a real slap in the face. You are the person for me and still is. I guess I'm no longer that person. How can things like that can be changed so easily, an instant change of heart because things are getting difficult. But nothing in life worth having comes easy. And if the love was so monumental to begin with, then its all worth fighting for. Not just give up and move forward. But like I said, I guess maybe I am really am that forgettable and easy disposable. That's what I get for accepting a love I didn't deserve. It was all too good to be true. I'm always reaching for him but he's just fading away further and further in the distance. Especially in this long distance. I really was going to just book a last minute plane ticket despite me being in the negatives financially to see him from to face but all I got was I refuse to see you. Don't come, I wont pick you up or come home if you show up. Sinking and sinking, thats what it continuously feel like. 
I really am a stupid girl because up until now and even after all this, I still believe you. I’m just waiting in this heartache every day for you to come around and realize what we are. Will he ever get there or is it a hopeless cause? But I’m waiting. The decade we spent wishing for each other hopefully wasn’t for nothing. Now that the universe finally granted us this miracle, I don’t want to give up so easily. I’ve even come to a desperate point of agreeing to be on break as a friend until you come around one day to see what I see in us. But are you really blind to it all? I don’t know if he even feels it at all through that ice-cold harshness I’m faced with now. I agreed to rewind to a point back when we were just friends, but guess what? Even as friends he didn’t treat me so bad. The most I can get now if I get lucky is a mere short vague one sentence text then he’s gone all over again. I can’t even reach out to him for a real conversation. Is 10 minutes of your time so much to ask for? Or when I write to you, it takes you the entire day to reply with a one letter or one sentence answer for the day. “It’s not that I’m ignoring you, It’s just that I don’t go out of my way for you like I use to anymore.” He says to me coldly. I could feel my heart sinking as tears start rolling down. I couldn’t help it, It was then that I realize I’ve become less than a nobody to him. I’m pretty sure he didn’t treat me like nothing even as friends back then. Even while we were chatting as friends back then I always felt better or happy even though I always kept my distance because he was taken and its not my place to get in the way. I can’t feel any affection or hope from you anymore. How is this break going to do us any good if we don’t work on becoming better for each other instead of ignoring me entirely? You don’t treat your other friends half as harshly.
I’ve tried to reach out to you time after time shamelessly—
“Then why must it be this way? Do you still not see the changes in me and all that I'm willing to do for us? I'm not reluctant to compromise or change myself to be a better person. You make me want to be a better person so I won't hesitate to try my best. I just wish we can work on rekindling our love and relationship so we can both be happy.
Answer...? Respond? Not good enough. “We are on break.” That’s it. Entirely unmoved even though I poured my out heart; while I on the other hand, was overwhelmed with emotions just writing that reaching out to you. That the one time I reach my hands out to the person I’ve loved so deeply just got slapped down so easily. I’ve always been the type that’s indifferent because I never let enough people close enough to hurt me this bad. I’ve never been the chaser or the one to say all that to win someone back either. But none of it mattered.
I’m sinking. Sinking fast. I cant breath. Am I just being kept on the hook out of pity? I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I love you more than life itself, love… but you’re breaking me beyond believe. I’m already broken and you took those shattered pieces and threw them in a blender set on high and hit start. That’s how everything feels like right now. How can you say you love me do and this to me. Do you really think this is best for me? At least give me the courtesy and respect to speak for what I know I need and is best for my life. If you’re doing thing for me own good, then just love me and go back to when you didn’t treat me like nothing. Stop hurting me when your stubborn thoughts of what you think is best for another individual. It’s so selfish. Who are you to tell anyone what is best for him or her? Just like no one should tell you what is best for you.
If you honestly believe you’re doing this for my own good, you’re wrong. You’re doing the worst thing a person can possible do to broken person like me. I gave you everything I could in my power, you were the exception to so many things. I gave myself away to you entirely and only to you. Maybe that’s flawed. Did I become stale and boring in the process? That there’s no more chase and I’m so readily in love with you. I saw signs of your lost of interest in me over time and I never said anything. Maybe the problem is because I loved you too much. You said you wanted me to smother you with my love, but I think it only made you see me as another easy stupid girl. I feel quite stupid trying so hard to please you everyday and being rejected at times.
You were always the one who got away. My ideal guy and I never forgot about you everyday for the past decade. I thought that merits a lot more than a simple “I’m sorry” and hang up. Our plans for me to visit you during the holidays went to hell. I always thought after our first one together that I want to spend every Christmas and new years together with you for many more years to come. Turns out we only had one. I truly believe if we can see each other in person this would be a lot better because long distance is impossible and you using it to your advantage by constantly ignoring me or no longer treating me like I’m anything is heartbreaking. You said it would hurt too much to hear my voice or see me. Even if I flew there myself I’d just be stranded at the airport. Even if I were to walk to your house you’d refuse to see me. Have you stop for a second to consider the positive outcome that can come out of it.
I Feel wronged. The person who claims he loved me more than the universe is doing this over the phone to his advantage and cutting off all ties. And even our rewind break to friendship is breaking my heart everyday. I don’t know if he realized that he didn’t treat me as harshly even when we were just friends… I just no longer go out of my way for you… it keeps echoing in my head and the tears won’t stop. It’s so difficult just to get you to answer over text or on the phone. It seems like I’m asking you to move a mountain just to spare time for a 10-minute phone call. I really don’t know what to do anymore. My heart, head, body everything is all sore from the constant heartbreak and sinking feeling.
Even so, I still love you. At this point anyone reading this must thing I’m fucking retarded. I never said I was smart. But this is what unconditional love is and its what I told you I have for him. So hurt me, break me, make me bleed, kill me, I’m all yours. I’m all yours to break. But when you do, can you please make sure I don’t have to live anymore afterwards? If you’re going to break me, break me entirely just like pulling the trigger because there’s no recovering from this for me now. I’ll keep waiting in the silence and the silent tears no one knows I shed on a daily basis.
I've been going on and on like a broken record about my relationship problems while there are a million other things going wrong with my life. But somehow my mind is entire consumed by this and he's my only cure. I've lost the will to do anything. The future is blank and life is bleak again. He seems to be living a happier and better life without me. I wonder if I ever meant any of those things he said before. I'd give anything for us to be ok again. And I try to make this kind and clear, all I want is just a chance that maybe we'll find better days cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings and designer love and empty things. All I want is just a chance that maybe we'll find better days. All I want is for you to come around and love me like you use to.
My posts have been becoming increasingly longer and longer. I highly doubt anyone out there reads the whole thing. This is just an outlet where I can spill my guts and blood and all that without effecting anyone else. Because I don't want to hurt anyone if all I had to say was said to them, it would probably be tragic and lead to even more hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Its like in Perks of Being a Wallflower where Charlie writes to an anonymous person. Sometimes we all just need an outlet and someone to talk to; in my case, my outlet isn't a person or any living being. It's just me writing to myself. Writing to no one and just having it keeping me sane. The thing is, I wish I had the courage to say many of the things I have to say here to the people in my life, but communicating has never been a strong suit of mines, because you see; writing on a blank page, it doesn't judge you, it doesn't talk back to you, it doesn't belittle you. Human are all those things. Plus even if I wanted to say something to the person I love so much, I can't because just as I was told, he no longer goes out of his way for me anymore. I can't even get 10 minutes to have a short chat, much less express anything of this. It would only lead to a fight because he's become so aggressive and easily aggravated that I no longer know what to say that will make things okay or better again.
I wonder if its because he resents me for clinging onto him so pathetically even if he calls it a break and I said I'll become noting more than a friend and give him space. That was the last resort to keeping him in my life. i'll take all the hits as long as he doesn't disappear forever from my life. This compromise wasn't made easily either. He was reluctant and hesitant and still want to keep me far away for a long time. Everything is an "I don't know". Which is basically no, how can we possibly patch things up if everything I say or do angers him. It almost seems like my mere existence of stubborning wanting to stay in his life angers him because perhaps he feels forced into it. I know I'm hopelessly pathetic. I can't help it and I've been trying to figure out where all the anger towards me is coming from, but I can only think that it's because I refuse to leave you as easily as you wanted- to just erase me and move forward with our own lives. I his life doesn't revolve around me as he bluntly told me in another one of those harsh conversations, but my life revolves around him, its not entirely my fault. He got me to believe and open up and think that way. To let go and trust that he'll catch me falling.
I know I've said it repeated that what you think is best for me really is in fact killing me inside everyday. If you truly love me, please stop and give me the courtesy of deciding my life for myself and just a little respect for me to speak for myself. You really have no idea what you're doing to me with all this. He think he's being a martyr by "setting me free". I don't want to be set free. He's the best thing that happened to me and I'm holding on for dear life. People who say if you love someone you'll set them free are clearly idiots and the other person obviously haven't become such am important part of their lives. I will die for you and I'm living for you. I just wish he could see it. All the ultimatums given to me about changing my self destructive behavior I've agreed to change for you. i want to become a better person for you. So I really wish he wouldn't use that its best for me line as an excuse to throw me away anymore. It would be a different story if he was going this because he personally cant stand me anymore, or no longer love me or is entirely sick of me. I promised I would change for the better for our sake, but it takes two people to do so, and I don't see you putting in the effort to make things better between us. Instead you're hammering a nail into my heart by the day with the way you act and the harshness you throw upon me. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one trying my best and yielding to you know because you get so irritated easily over the simplest things when before you'd never act like that towards me. I know I'm not longer your significant other or at least you don't want me anymore, but why is your behavior black and white. Even as friends he was always a good friend. I really just had a few simple questions I wanted to ask, but I still can't even get any time or answer after a couple of days. It's really making me sick to my stomach.
I just wish things were different...
Labels: bad days, communication, hurt, i don't fucking know., i miss you, insanity, memories, mentality, miserable, mistakes, quote, relationships, sad, sorrow, sorry @ 4:03 AM
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Labels: alone, bad days, books, death, depression, escapism, growing up, innocence, letting go, life, lost, love, perks of being a wallflower, poem, quotes, sad Sunday, September 29, 2013 @ 9:14 PM
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“here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.” Its been a battle just trying to get some time on the phone with him and every time I finally do get permission which is rather said because otherwise without it, all my calls are ignored. The entire phone call just starts with hostility. I don't know where it is coming from, it only makes me think you hate me now. Theres no more exceptions. But even towards are stranger you aren't so harsh. Thats why I can't hold back the tears, hearing your hatred and annoyance in your voice simply because you have to take my phone call is very disheartening. Every word pierces like a needle with your anger and tone. Theres not the slightest tone of remorse of a lost love or that I was loved at all. Usually I don't put up with people who treat me like shit, but time and time again I try to get across to you facing your anger. You don't even realize I'm already changing all my standards and self respect for you. You think you can hear it by tone or life decisions, but you'll never really know all of it. I'm willing to take all the hits as long as I get to stay a part of your life, even if its an insignificant part out of pity. We say we're going to take some time off; I know for sure I'll never love anyone like I do you, but you already brought up the part of moving on to new people who makes us happier. I thought I made you happy or you loved me for the way I made you feel. So if you're actively looking for a new love while I;n loyally waiting for yours, what do I do then? Winter break, spring break, all of it is still not enough time for you. When is there enough time? I don't want to be led on with illusions of a second chance and left even more broken.  I can see you deleting me from all the parts of your life already. So I erased myself from face book entirely. I only wrote and updated about us to begin with. I have no use for it anymore. Have you realized your life is a lot simpler and happier without me existing in your world? I don't see any reason otherwise to your constant harsh tone filled with discontent and annoyance. There was a time when you wanted me to talk to you and make my whole world about you. Now that it is, my whole world is falling apart. I gave you everything I had mentally and physically. but the happiness I thought we had wasn't enough to keep you here. I feel like such a fool. Stupid Stupid girl. I always feel for your pretty words and you can lie to me and deceive me and I'll probably still fall for it anyway because I've given up all my self respect to make you happy. You never realized it or acknowledge it. Or else we wouldn't be at this point where you're telling me I am poison and will never change. I've changed so much more than you know inside and out in order to please you. I'm just a foolish girl in the end. I gave you myself and now it feels like you threw my heart on the pavement, stepped all over it, and backed up your car a few times over it. “But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
When did I mean so little that you can discard me just like that at first without even a thought of trying. Am I the only one whose stupid and refuse to let go because I believe we owe it to ourselves to give it a try? If you're actively looking for a new love that will please you mentally and physically in all the ways you want without speaking back to you, I'll still wait in the background. I've waiting for 8 years watching you love and live your life with someone else in silence. Its selfish to only want someone who never speaks back and is best for you because they treat you well and need you. Its all about your satisfaction. But what about the other person? will you love them simply because they are like your pet and obey you in every sense? You love them because they love you? Or would you rather love someone not out of selfishness but truly love someone because they are the amazing person you always thought them to be, even if they aren't what you need from a relationship thats all about you. You were hurt and made a huge deal when I broke several promises, but you broke every single promise you made to me since day one doing this and I can still find it in my heart to forgive you. But I'm still holding onto your promises. You're a man of your word right? then stop taking the easy way out like I'm so disposing whore.who means nothing so you can brush off and trash me anytime. If you love someone fight for them if you don't even put up a struggle and fight, that only tells the world, yourself and me that person didn't mean much to you to begin with. Its frustrating no matter how you try to justify your actions. And most of all, it hurts. It pains me to every part of me to see thats all I was worth.  Despite everything, It's only about what you believe to be true and the correct approach. Just you and your stubborn believes that your words and thoughts are absolute. Are you not capable of mistakes? Are you god? Is it only your way or the highway?Either way it feels like I'm getting run over and trampled by things flying by me. So why don't you just pull the trigger because I'm slowly dying by your hands and relentless beliefs in your own point of view. I'm willing to compromise everything and to try everything, but why is it that you can just stomp around in anger without doing your part of what we need to improve. It's not just all me, so please stop treating me like shit every time I try to get through to you and have a solid understand on both sides. The way you act and behave. The way you constantly try to get away and hang up. It'd all so harsh, do you see or hear yourself? I do. But I still love you. I never said I was smart but everything you've done to me and got me to believe has opened up a pandora's box I can't close. And it's all for you. Ive chanced a lot more than you recognize over all this time, you're just blinded by whatever it is you want to call how you treat me to acknowledge any of it.  Either way, I'm waiting for you and my voice never to reach you changes into a sad song. I think for now, I'll just bury myself with school since I'm literally all alone. Theres no one reaching out to me and there is no longer anyone I can reach out to for help and support anymore. I feel like I have zero friends and nobody in my life as always. But its nothing new. I'll just pretend I woke up from a really long dream and I'm back to where I was. No matter how much suffering I went through I never want to let go of these memories. As long as you remember me, I don't care of everyone else forgets.
Labels: alone, apathetic, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., lost, relationships, sad, self-esteem, sorrow, tired, truths Saturday, September 28, 2013 @ 8:20 PM
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It’s been a long year
Since we last spoke
How’s your halo?
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites
I never believed you
I only wanted to
Before all of this
What did I miss?
Do you ever get homesick?
I can’t get used to it
I can’t get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
I’m under that night
I’m under those same stars
We’re in a red car
You asleep at my side
Going in and out of the headlights
Could I have saved you?
Would that’ve betrayed you?
I wanna burn this film
You alone with those pills
What you couldn’t do I will
I forgive you
I’ll forgive you
I’ll forgive you
I forgive you
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
I’ll forgive you
 Labels: hurt, i don't fucking know., letting go, lost, love, quote, reflections, sad, self destructive, song, sorrow, sorry @ 6:05 AM
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Stupid me to believe in stupid you.
Theres no such things such as fairytales is there... It was all just pretty words and empty proises. You never loved me because you don't even know what love is otherwise you wouldn't be doing this to me. If anything you sad was true. Take the time to talk about it. Think a lot and live without it. I feel like such a fucking toy another head over heels idiot. Its always the people we love the most that hurts us the most. Was it fun destroying me all over again? 
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah
I just want to drown.
This is a living nightmare.
I don't want to wake up to this.
But you take all your lies
And wish them all away
And my voice, never to reach you, changes into a sad song,,,
I can never reach you, it's exactly how you want it to be.
Labels: alone, breaking everything, death, depressed, fucked up, goo goo dolls, hurt, insomnia, letting go, lies, lost, lyrics, mistakes, relationships, sad Tuesday, September 24, 2013 @ 10:39 PM
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I know I'm getting annoyingly repetitive with all the "I miss you/him" but theres no other way to say it. Quite frankly, even if I said it a billion more times, it would still not amount to the depth and how much I really do miss him. Its beyond anything imaginable or describable. Maybe I'm scary but when I fall so deeply, I can't help it. He's my addiction and there's no cure but the moments I get to see him and even then, I still can't get enough. I never get sick of us and if anything I just want more and more, like as if I'm falling in love all over again each and everyday especially when we are together.
I've been smoking way too much lately due to the stress of school, debts, tuition and relationship matters in addition to the extra constant worrying and anticipation. I've been trying Newport Menthol Gold 100s and they're actually pretty good. I usually don't like menthol too much and I'm not a frequent fan of Newport but this blend kinda works. The menthol is very light while the tobacco is really smooth but I can still feel the strong side. It gives the same kick as most stronger cigarettes without the harshness or horrible aftertaste. Anyway, random review aside, I can really feel it taking a toll on my lungs and body but I can't stop. I wish things were different in a sense that things can be ok again. None of my anti anxiety medicine is holding me down from all this drama lately. I can't fall asleep even with my sleep medicine. It's hell all over again and I just want it to stop and be happy with the person I love.
 Today has been yet another one of those days. Everyday is exactly the same but increasingly worst the longer we not only have to be apart but we can't even talk. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him... I hope this time apart will give him time to realize we need each other in so many different ways. More than anything in the world. Are you having the same hard time I am having without you in my daily life? Since he was the one who requested so much time to think about it, I'm not sure if I'm really missed or needed as much as I do him. But I'm hurting for us, I need our love and I need him. All I can do is look through our pictures and read all his letters, notes and reminders which probably isn't the best thing to do, but it's the only thing helping me cope. Every word and memory I cling onto preciously only reminds me more of how we are infinite. This time away isn't clearing my mind one bit, it's only making it worst for me. But I guess I'm just the person who just needs to address the issue at hand at the moment as soon as possible with the best results so we can both feel at ease and loved again. Pulling it on or on hold really kills me but theres nothing I can do but count the seconds to the minutes to the hours to the days. Really I can't believe it's only day two and it felt like two months instead. All I can feel or think of is the constant longing to hear his soothing voice once again in a loving tone and that everything is going to be okay. Please let it be okay.  I couldn't sleep again last night until around 6am in the morning then I woke up again and it was already close to 10. My classes already started and theres really no class Im in a hurry to, one of my classes is already having it's first quiz tomorrow and I'm going to miss it because I think the professor drops the lowest grade so I'll take the hit for that being my dropped grade and do well on the rest of the misterms and finals to make up for it. Theres still many quizzes to come that only make up a small percentage of the grade. Compromise has been the only way I've been getting through school and I really need ot finish for the few people I care about in life so we can keep moving forward. I've gotten two tickets in the last day and night for an expired registration sticker. These stupid meter maids really have nothing better to do but make all their money giving out tickets for every little shit here. It's like they have a quota or a competition for who gives out the most parkings tickets gets to be the uniform of the month. Assholes. Well, I've been running errands all night to fix up the registration and whatnot. I can't even see in the dark anymore, driving in the dark is like blind driving to me, I strain to see all the shadows and just follow the blurry lights by colors ahead of me. I see nothing. I really need to get my eyes checked to get an updated diagnoses on what degree what eyes are at and maybe try to fix it when I'm not entirely broke. Well, heres to the extra headache I get from straining my eyes constantly to see anything. Just add it to this whole everything hurts thing I have going on most of the time.  Well it's 1am now and I've been up since got knows when, running on a couple of hours of sleep. I can actually feel myself blacking out as I type and I keep typing while half asleep although I have no idea what I'm talking about or I don't make any sense at all. Although all thats on my mind is still us and how everything should be okay again, I need to try to pass out so maybe I'll have a chance at actually hearing all 8 of my alarms when they go off before I need to get ready to leave for class. The exhaustion tends to build up sometimes and when I finally sleep, it's like I go into a coma and don't respond or hear anything. It's not something I want as a regular part of my life and theres on'y so little I can try to do to prevent it from being a norm that would eventually fuck up school for me again. I don't know how he does it, but sometimes he's like superman when I know and see all that he does for me, work and everything else in his life. I can see how I must have been so much extra work and another source of unwanted extra exhaustion in addition to the long days and constant lack of sleep. Meanwhile on the other hand all I wanted was to see more of him. Theres always two sides to the story but regardless, I'm sorry love. I know it must be tough to keep up or put up with me while working your ass off. I'm always forever grateful, I just missed you too much it got to my head sometimes from sitting at home all day awaiting your return as the sole purpose of my everyday life and routine I just want to become what you became to me. For you and between us, because you make me want to become a better person because I see so much greatness and good qualities in you and so I want to become all that for you too. The days have been sad and weeping to crying historically has been the same new routine I want to break. But I need him to break it with and for me. So we can keep moving forward like we always have and just our presence to each other is enough to make the other happy with this indescribable feeling of warmth, safety and love flowing from one to another. I miss our moments. But most of all, I miss you... Labels: alone, bad days, breaking everything, communication, depressed, dull, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i miss you, insomnia, miserable, mistakes, relationships, sad, smoking, sorry, stuck, tired Friday, August 3, 2012 @ 3:34 AM
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I made a mess of myself and I need to learn how to stop, to dull myself out and regain that numbing composure that helps suppress everything. It's the only way I know how to survive without completely falling apart. I'm living in my own head again. I need my music... and I should start reading again. Yeah...that. “here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.” ― Haruki Murakami Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day You sit there in your heartache Labels: bad habits, dull, i don't fucking know., insomnia, lyrics, music, quotes, sad Sunday, November 6, 2011 @ 8:10 PM
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I've seen kamekaze girls probably about 4 times. It's a cute feel good friendship movie, but this scene gets me everytime. She Said by Yoko Kanno was playing. It was perfect. 『うん、でも、今ここに誰も居ないよ。』 I don't think I can honestly convince myself there's someone I know that can be that nobody. There's always the constant need to talk, to fill the empty spaces, because you're not comfortable. Because you're not alone together. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my friend's company, I just don't have the constant stamina. when you are crying? You are burdened, as if it hurts badly somewhere, so crying is not something to be ashamed of. But a woman cannot cry in front of others, that attracts sympathy. When you cry, you must find a place alone, that way, the more tear you shed, the stronger you will become." "Momoko, Women, can't cry in front of others." "Yes, But, there is no one here now." Then she turns around.  I should learn how to bike, so I can pedal through the tears singing Ozaki like Ichiko. The probability of that happening is a big fat zero though, unless something flew into my eyes and made me tear up. For fucks sake, I'm even afraid to sing like nobody is listening when... nobody is listening, or around for that matter. My curtains are opaque and thick as it can get, but nope. Always too fucking paranoid. I need to let go. Another reason is also, I just don't want to hear myself talk, sing, scream or whatever the hell else. My mind already does that enough on its own. Yup, it's screaming like a bitch. There are so many essential survival and right of passage skills I lack. Well, even if I did know how to ride a bike, I'll probably get run over by angry NYC drivers within 5 minutes anyway. Drivers here are really assholes. "GTFO MY LANE." or maybe the bikers are the actual assholes, 'look at that bitch riding her bike like the entire street belongs to her'. Who knows.  The first time I tried riding a bike was in 7th grade. It was my friend's kiddie mountain bike, if that's the correct term for it. I made it down one block. For years after that, I assumed I'd be able to get on a bike and ride it like a beast. Nope. Second time biking was 9 years later at Governor's Island except this time, I had to get a normal bike. The fuck? I should have brought my own kiddie bike or asked for training wheels. I had neither. So I spent the entire day being reassured by a fucking bike that I'm a midget and I have no sense of balance. I think I'll just keep blaming it on the 9 year time gap or my non-existent childhood. Labels: kamekaze girls, movie, sad, scene
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