“I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn’t have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn’t make for an interesting person. I didn’t want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone.”— Charles Bukowski


About year ago I reached an epiphany — if I spent as much time and effort as I spent on games, I'd be a fucking millionaire by now. I should have taken that and go win at life instead. But no, god forbid I actually have to try and fail. So I found my escapism to avoid everything real. I have high tolerance for boring shit and retards, perfect skills for bullshitting the entire system. I'm a hoarder, obsessive compulsive and the only appealing thing I find about having children is making them do monotonous things I'm too fucking lazy to do. "Yeah hun, this fun right right? Now just keep clicking this shit for the next 10 hours ♥." The pros and cons of the idea didn't work out. Apparently my tolerance for boring shit does not apply to children or sheltered people that goes around vomiting sunshine and rainbows. "Oh my god! It's been 50 years since we last talked but I'm going to pretend you're my best friend, hows your day?" Fuck off, you make me sick.

Productive priorities right? I'm such a shithead sometimes. Sometimes being equivalent to all the years I wasted. While I realized this months ago and definitely years ago, I'm still stuck in the same cycle slowly trying to cut things out. Slowly is an understatement but at least I'm not giving into the temptations of games...at the moment.

Another confession I've known for way too long is that I do too many things on the internet and I still am. Oh look at me rambling away right here this very second, you fucking hypocrite. I like my good old classic notebook as much as the next person, but my hands hurt.

Labels: bored, frustration, i don't fucking know., procrastination, time

I haven’t made any decisions yet. I just wasted my time on stupid thoughts. If we were destined to meet, I thought we’d meet by chance somewhere again as we continue to live, but we are from different world, our environments and lifestyles are different. The universe is really more than who we are; with the world full of billions of people we somehow manage to cross paths again. I always felt like it was a one time chance, the possibility of us happening is lower than winning the lottery thats why I never wanted to let go. I always thought you were the best thing that happened to me in my life. You are my personal lottery and above everything. Miracles don’t happen twice so I never want to or will take it for granted regardless of how ridiculous I can be sometimes when I'm manically depressed, deep in the back of my head I always knew what was the most important thing to me. I didn’t want to let go and give up on us, but it takes two to make a relationship. I can’t torture myself to be the only one fighting for us to stay together. I am purely pathetic to be the only one whose fighting for us, to keep clinging to your feet as you walk away and kick me off time after time.


I have my doubts of the chances of this kind of majestic love ever happening again since we have 3k miles between us and I’m slowly withering away in your memories again. Do you know what chances are for someone 3k miles away to never lose hold of each other’s memories and promises for over a decade. But now it’s all tainted with false promises and nothing but empty words. Chances are only meant for people who’s willing to try. The meaning of chance is just like building a bridge of faith to reach the one you love so you can be together. Except the bridge we walked on was made of unsteady plywood and each step we took was just inevitably towards contributing to the destruction of the bridge that holds everything together. How our bridge was so fragile and how it can be easily brunt into ashes or simply cut off on the other end. I's terrifying walking the bridge we built for each other but I walked it time after time just to see you anyway even though my aerophobia and agoraphobia really makes me flying back and forth a whole new type of hell but I never gave it a second thought. It was always worth it to see you even if it was for a hour every night before you fall asleep as I'm ridden with insomnia.

The only thing that kept me going was the thought that once I make it through this hell, everything will be ok because I can finally see you again and to finally feel your presence again. I realized just how foolish and naive I am to believe and think so simply of love that can be pure sincerity. It seems like its the hardest thing to find in the world. I always thought that no matter what us against the world, nothing matters as long as we have each other but I was so over my head. I’m trying to numb out this pain. I’ll probably obey my psychiatrist's treatment and  up the dosage of my anti-depressants like she did before so I can forget. So I don’t feel anymore. I lowered my dosage before and refuse to take the increased dosage previously for us; because I told you it was making me feel indifferent and numb to everything, like I was just a walking corpse and I wanted to preserve the relationship we have so I sacrificed my medication progress for the sake of our relationship; I was afraid it would make me so numb I would forget how to love or feel your love anymore. It was a sacrifice I made because I want to give it my all and you triumph over everything in my world. It wasn’t good enough anyway. I think now is a good time for me to go back on my original dosage I was suppose to take so I don't feel any of this anymore.

Love is harder to protect than it is to start. Love that isn't strongly rooted in reality only becomes toxic to both parties. This is so frustrating. Did you just fall out of love so easily? Is it because of money, self-protection or the classical I'm not what you want or the girl you imagine me to be after all? It still haunts me how easily it was for you to do so and how it was conducted. In some ways I feel like shit and like I was worth nothing after all. I know theres no better in breaking up, but I think we'd at least merit trying and giving it a second chance. that if the person really loved me, they would try to do right by me even if it's to throw me away. I really hate it when people take the easy way out, over the phone, over the answering machine, over an email; it all just tells me that you can't even do right by me even in the end one last time.

I made you my entire world, but to you I was just a part of your entire world, that’s why I eventually felt the overwhelming pain of being so foolish, absolutely empty and lonely when it was so easy for you to act completely indifferent. When I'm tired of living in this world or when you feel desolated, is love the only thing that has the power to make the world seem beautiful? I don't think love is a magical cure that instantly makes this world into wonderland, where nothing is ever wrong. Love isn't where wonderland exists and everything is all rainbows and sunshine. Yeah, right. Wake up, Hun. A person who believes are still to immature; they don't know that same love that can bring so much happiness will be the same love that destroys the person. Just like Shakespeare said, "No one died from a broken heart, they only wish they did." I was naturally losing the will to live by living everyday and doing whats essential to my health like eat or sleep for weeks.


In this life I've wasted the peek years of my youth having nothing and accomplishing nothing. Everyone says the 20s is the prime period of your life and to enjoy it and experience it and live it to the fullest, but I've done nothing in my life and I'm stuck. Every time I try to go forward, I end up taking two steps back because shit happens. It's seems to always be one crisis after another. I thought I found the one person who was just like me without any words needed to describe the magnitude of our bond together, but I think it might have been just all in my head. For a second there, I thought I was actually worth something and worthy of being love. I gave it everything I could, all my true first experiences with many exceptions and everything else wasn't enough for you. I'm not enough.

We accept the love we think we deserve, and I was selfish to accept his love that I didn't deserve. To be quite honest, I don't deserve to be treated sincerely from anyone. Not even from my friends. I feel like I owe a lot to them for helping me without me asking for help. For always reaching out to me when I'm down on my knees. It really is very tiresome trying to live day by day waiting for the day to end only for the next day to be exactly the same, waiting for each day to end and counting until the next day. I feel like I've aged three times my actual age with time going by so slowly and all that's happened in my life. As if I'm waiting for some impending universal apocalypse to end it all. Or maybe I'm just fading away slowly but surely again; I am relapsing to a phase where I am nothing.

Don't you feel sorry towards Van Gogh who led a much more miserable life than we did? Do you know about Van Gogh's love? "Even if I put my everything at stake, even if I lose every thing, I will not have regrets." You can’t say you are in love unless you are able to understand that concept and engrave those worlds deeply in your heart. Van Gogh's love summarizes the love I felt perfectly and pretty much sums up my situation adequately. Except I'm not going bat shit crazy and chopping off my ears off, but I'm hurting a lot physically and mentally cause I bet everything I had on us. I don't think you truly loved me as much as I do you nor did you put your entire life on the line for me like you claim you would or else it wouldn't have came to this point. There’s no comparison though, Heartbreak is heartbreak no matter what the cause and situation is.

I hate it when people belittle other’s feelings and pain acting like they are above it all and know it all because "others have it much worst". Yeah sure, there are kids starving in Africa and masses of populations in poverty and pain. But it doesn't justify the fact that people as individuals can still be hurt and life still hurts. Everyone has a sob sorry, some more severe than the others, but I don't think I would ever tell someone who confides me in to get over myself because there are kids suffering in 3rd world countries who have it so much worst, its very belittling to each and every individual's right to feel. So what if people have it much worst? It’s not a fucking competition. You feel what you feel and that’s part of life. I honestly don’t think anyone has the right to belittle anyone’s sorrow unless it involves completely spoiled frivolous whining from spoiled brats bitching about how their rich parent wont by them the fancy car they want… then yeah, that’s retarded.


People often think I have no reason to be the way I am because a lot of my trauma is in the past but internal scars never really heal and always haunt me. I know people always just say get over it or you don't have an excuse to be the way you are anymore, but I don't feel like I have to justify my life and how I feel about life itself to anyone. It's just how I am. I can't be tamed to be the obedient pet you want me to be so easily. Things are always easier said than done, but I'm trying my best. Most people just assume I'm just making everything excessively complicated; that I'm doing it to myself. Who chooses to be this way? No one. I would give anything to be "normal". It's really insulting. Do you think I want to be the way and chose to walk this path? Who would intentionally choose constant pain over a normal life? I'd give anything just to be able to sleep like a normal person, much less my other mental and physical conditions. I'm just dragging this life on.

Pain will always accompany love, there is no such thing as perfection. Anyone who claims his or her so-called relationship is flawless is just full of shit. Or perhaps they just don't give half a shit or know their significant other enough to notice or care about any of it because they can't be bothered with the subject at hand. Or maybe they're getting some on the side or just simply can't be bothered about the importance of keeping up with each other's feelings. No one can really hurt you or break you without your permission and it's always been the people I love most in my life whose broken me to a point beyond repair. People belittle relationships so much its saddening and disgusting. That’s why I never wanted to bother dating. Even the best couples will fight but what matters is above all that, you still remember that your love prevails over it all and that’s the most important thing. Individuals who forget the importance of what should be prioritize over their own selfishness tend to have their hands dirty, it might as well be soaked in blood from all the hearts they tear apart, because they are so skilled at the art of deception.

That’s why this is just like how I never really stayed mad or resent you continuously no matter how much you fucked up; Because I ask myself "Ok, so you're mad right now, but can you live without him? Do you want to live the rest of your life without him?" and the answer was always the same and I eventually do calm down but become paranoid and terrified of losing you in the process, that’s why I tend to wake up sometimes in cold sweat in panic mode, terrified that somewhere along the way overnight, I lost you. That you would just disappear one day without a notice. So the first thing I do when I'm conscious is immediately try to contact you. Just to make sure you’re still mines, hearing your voice soothes me. Like as if I'm trying to reassure myself you're still mines despite how annoying or high maintenance people tend to find me.


Have you ever felt that way about me? Waking up in extreme remorse soaked in cold sweat from the nightmare of losing the person you love? Waking up in panic and being scared to death that the person you love is gone for good? I wonder if you ever asked yourself that same question I ask myself, because clearly you can live fine and go the rest of your life without me... I really lost confidence the moment I knew I'm the only one who wants more out of this relationship and to keep it sparkling and alive. Just because the "chase" is over and I'm yours, it doesn't mean you don't have to try anymore. It doesn't mean you can treat me like shit and be so confident that I wont leave you because that’s how unconditional I can be with how you treat me or act around me.


Sometimes it makes me think people are just addicted to the chase, it’s human nature for people to want what they can't have. Jerks who are addicted to the chase and when they finally have all of you, they simply throw it all away. Then after the whole charade, when they finally win the person over, the timer immediately starts ticking down to the moment where that person you once fell in love start becoming nothing special, nothing but another ordinary person you can't be bothered with and they start becoming unworthy of all the trouble you use to go through for them. Unworthy of your time or unworthy of you taking an extra second to answer them; unworthy of going out of your way for anymore. It’s funny because I’m usually the cold one, but when I love someone enough I become so vulnerable that I’m become weak and helpless. Completely hopeless no matter how cruelly and harshly I am treated.

Time is ticking… just ticking and ticking. Until one day all of this will wither into a flicker of memory. It'll just become another painful memory I try to hide in the back of my head because I can't let it resurface ever again. It simply hurts too much.

I know it sounds absolutely retarded, foolish and naive, but what I need is someone who love me more and more by the day. As if the moment we wake up to each other and I see you sleeping so beautifully and peacefully, I fall in love with you all over again every day and increasingly each and everyday. I guess you never know or felt that way about me. I tend to have fucked up weird concepts of what I want and need from what we call love but right now I need to recover and get my life together. I'm under a pile of debt that’s just waiting for me to pay off on all my credit cards. I'm not eating or spending any money but tuition debts are killing me. I'm so tired about the world being dictated by money and the bureaucracy behind the system. No matter what, in the end, everything boils down to money on what you can and cannot do with your life. Everything depends on how much you have. I'm contemplating just withdrawing from school and petitioning for a tuition waiver and semester deletion so I can maybe figure out a way to pay my debts and what money I have to put aside for living expenses... I've been hospitalized or put in the emergency room over 4 times within that last half a year. My last accident was become some car T-boned me at an intersection, the car flew out from a side one way street and my mind froze for a good 10 seconds before I realized what happened, I've been hit.

The break up out of the blue really took a toll on me for weeks I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost around 17-20 pounds within 2-3 weeks without even trying simply because I had no appetite at all which was probably causing me to black out randomly since it was physically breaking me down. I was just surviving off water at that point. I'm not as strong as I try to pretend to be and that heartbreak  was the last I could take before I relapse to a dark place; returning all over again into deep depression and insolation. I always thought you'd encourage me but instead you topped the sundae of this pathetic excuse of a year with your own bitter cherry on top with poor excuses. I'm trying to slowly ease back into the process of eating again but its hard since I haven't eaten in so long that every time I do try to eat, I can't seem to hold it down. Like my body is rejecting it because I haven't had anything in so long.

I'd really like to thank my best friends who always instinctively reached out to me the moment they knew someone is wrong and wanted to take care of me or just visit me or they try to spot me for my favorite foods and convince me to eat. I was suppose to go meet up with one of them this weekend but I passed out for 2 days straight on Friday. Then Sunday came and I got hit by some shitty driver. T-boned on my passenger side. I was stuck in the hospital for some time for being malnourished, anemic, having a panic attack at the scene, hurting my back and hyperventilating to a point my heart rate was over 150. And no, the accident was not my fault. I was going straight on a main avenue and some bitch flew out from a side street and apparently don't know how to brake. I didn't even know what was going on until I heard and felt the impact. That was the day I was picking up all my medications also so the doctors got my full medical records and no, I wasn't impaired from my medicine to drive. I had the light.


I feel like I'm losing control of everything in my life because no matter what I do, or say, it takes two people to communicate. Thats why I gave up eventually because I realized no matter how hard I try or what I do, it takes two to make things work; not just me wishfully fighting for the both of us. I can't even bother to fight for myself anymore. All I could do was call the parents and police as I stayed in the drivers seat and cried. Everything is out of my control now a days. Everything. Its sad but its the truth that you cant make anyone love you or care about you just because I didn't want to let go.

Its weird because ever since I can remember, whenever I'm walking around or driving I always tend to imagine myself getting into a car accident whether its me crashing into a tree or getting run over, It always made me think of all the possibilities that things can be over so easily and no one thinks twice about it when they are living their daily lives. I think about it all the time. I really hate being on psychiatric hold... some bitch crashed into me... It's not like I was trying to kill myself by driving off a bridge. I just had a really bad panic attack halfway into it. The couldn't do anything but take my vitals and monitor me closely so I don't get a heart attack or stroke. And they kept an IV pump in me since I wasn't eating properly...when I try I get really nauseous and throw up.

Speaking of which... I really need to get out of here. I'm taking the semester off so I have some time to recover and get my mentally and physical health back together in a better place by the time I return for Spring and I just want to escape from all this. Thinking of the upcoming holidays and being all alone as usual makes me super depress every year. I'm contemplating a few things and places I might disappear to. I'm still not sure since I'm still in my mourning phase... it only feels like yesterday that one year ago I had the love of my life to spend my days and nights with. To celebrate these special occasions with. I know it may mean nothing but I find it kind of sad we couldn't even make it to the second year. Previous to that I at least got a phone call and voicemails when I was working full time a couple years ago. Now that I'm demoted to one of those unimportant strangers who you can be bothered to don't go out of their way for anymore; I highly doubt anything will happen because no one can be bothered by the likes of me.

I've neglected a lot of people in my life friends and family to be with him every chance I had on break and I broke ties with friends for him. I literally made him my whole world and that was all ok with me because I was living in a world where only we exist, surviving on all his promises and pretty words to happen and come true eventually and that was enough for me. But they were just all words after all, because I'm a stupid girl according to most people in my life and I can't say I disagree, now I'm left with nothing. I'm more foolish and idiotic than I want to admit I am but I deserve this. I did this to myself. Cutting everyone out for him and wanting to spend as much as humanly possible with him... All I wanted and needed was him. I'm more foolish than most people think I am.


I know I can always talk to my old friends again and pick up right where we left off because the few people I have in my life are just those kind of people that will always be there for me unconditionally regardless of how long its been, we don't judge or think any less of each other when we chat or pick up where we left off, of just when we need someone to talk to. I can't help but feel like a complete asshole though. I know that my friends will always forgive me but I should have put some time apart for them instead of giving myself entirely to him. To do as he pleases with me like a rag doll. I tried so hard to please him I forgot how to love myself or anyone else. I don't regret it, I just wish he could have acknowledged it.

Plus at this point in my life I don't have the money to do anything with. I'm living off my credit cards and going into negatives so my friends are spotting me. They really have always been so generous I was so touched I couldn't help but cry.  I feel like I lost myself somewhere out there and came back sad knowing life is much more than who we are. There are very few people I let into my life, and I can probably count the amount of people I truly care about with my hands, but thats what makes them so special. They have always shown me and treated me with kindness I don't deserve. I still remember all our childhood memories and everything we've been through that made us who we are. I know we all have our own lives now, but they never fail to come to my rescue without me even asking. And for that, I'm forever grateful. Like I want to thank them for being alive and being the person they are. Thanks for being alive with me. Because there are plenty of times I think I wouldn't have made it without them by my side growing up in isolation.



Which one is the most important between trust, hope and love? It's loyalty. Loyalty covers both hope and love. I'm a very loyal person at heart like how I think about you all the time but I don't need the same. I've lost my faith in sincere loyalty though, I've seen so many sides of people and heard so much of the same things. I'm really starting to hate all those pretty words. Actions and results show a lot more than words. Everyone can sweet talk and boost about how grand their love is, but very few can actually go through with it and prove it everything for the rest of their lives.

Love is like a car accident. Just like a car accident— without any warning, it finds and hits us hard. And just like love, the other person who hurt you can choose to flee from the scene; leaving you to die on your own, or the person can truly love you unconditionally and hold you by tightly by their side because they never want to lose you. They hold onto you like you’re life itself to make sure you don’t lost consciousness or drift off into a coma. Lastly an individual can cruelly choose to watch the person they love suffer and die slowly while doing nothing as they watch with indifference.

I still remember the 10 Rules that always makes me smile and feel melancholic all the same;

01. Don’t ask her to be feminine.
02. Don’t let her drink over three glasses of alcohol.
03. Drink coffee instead of Coke/Juice.
04. If she hits you, act like it hurts. If it hurts, act like it doesn’t.
05. On your 100th day together, give her a rose during her class.
06. Make sure you learn fencing and squash.
07. Be prepared to go to prison sometimes.
08. If she says she’ll kill you, don’t take it lightly.
09. If her foot hurts, exchange shoes with her.
10. She likes to write. Encourage her.

It makes me wonder if he ever saw my sorrow and want to be the one that helps me heal. I know I'm selfish and unreasonable, but thats what makes me part of me. And you always forgave me for it or loved me even more because of it. But things change, people change, the love you once believed in is pure toxic and life doesn't stop for anybody.



Either way, I have the entire winter off. After my physical therapy, I'm running away. I need my escapism, you gave me the false impression of being my ultimate escapism but it was all just lies. I need to built my own escapism again. I need to be far far away from everything I know and everything I am. I need to be away from this place. I need a change of pace. Depending on how things go, I'm leaving as a Christmas present to myself. To do something smart for once. Perhaps something like a palette cleanser? I'm not entirely sure as to all the details or explanation for me disappearing, but it feels like it's something I need to do.


I can't wait to get away from this place. Actually I guess I'm not really running away since no one will be chasing after me or miss me. I guess I'm just looking forward to restart and doing the unstuck under the same skies as I fade away and become a distant memory. I just need to be in a new environment even thought we share the same skies. Try not to celebrate my non-existence too much.

Labels: alive, alone, depressed, doctor, dull, escapism, falling, friendships, frustration, growing up, hurt, letting go, lies, life, lost, love, memories, mistakes, relationships, stuck

This is how you lose her.

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.


You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

I accepted love I didn't deserve because I couldn't bare the idea of living without him. So I was selfish and reached too high. It turns out he ways way too far from me all along. But I guess theres nothing we can do about the things we have to live without. Life gives happiness and life takes it away. Especially since it was the best thing thats ever happened to me like a miracle and experiencing the warmth of love and what it can be. Thank you for that, you're the first and perhaps the last. Because in the name of Charlie Brown, I've always been afraid of being happy because when you start being happy and worst... being too happy... too attached, bad things are bond to happens. I feel like I'm paying back a debt for the time I received from him, when I felt genuinely happy with him, and now I'm miserable and scared.

I got into a car accident today (some bitch t-boned me then went all banshee bat shit crazy on me with her posy while I was alone...awesome.) and next thing I know I'm in an ambulance to the hospital. I'm in the hospital but the physical pain is nothing compared to how I'm dying inside by the day. I've had so much blood taken from me to run tests and needles stuck in me. I really really do hate hospitals. I'm pretty sure part of the drip is like liquid "food" since I haven't been able to eat so my blood results came back last week as me being malnourished and anemic. If that shitty driver have hit the drivers side, it would have probably be game over for me with life. I wonder what it would be like if it was that way instead, so easy.

I guess I'll write more about the car accident and hospital tomorrow since it doesn't seem like I'm going to be discharged soon. and I have nothing to do here.. I really should have gotten life insurance, so at least if I die, my family will be set for most of their lives and I don't have to live with the burden of constantly trying to repay and redeem myself for my existence. This air thing they have over me making everything hard to see and I'm just so exhausted, so fed up with everything thats happening one thing after another. Hey life, I'm already down, will you stop fucking kicking and stomping all over me for now? I wish some day there will be better days...

I really need this year to end, I need a new start and recompose myself again. Theres a lot coming up huh, its making me depress just thinking about it. Sigh. Maybe I should really just pack a bag pack and book a one way flight to Europe somewhere and starve to death somewhere along the way probably. Either way, I need a change of pace and scene. I need new beginnings and second chances to pursue what little goals I have left. Unfortunately I don't have any of that or access to that. One day... Just one day if I disappear, I hope I'll be in somewhere overseas far away from here.

Labels: alive, alone, bad days, death, depressed, falling, frustration, health, hurt, insanity, insomnia, mentality, quotes

Labels: alone, bad day, breaking everything, depressed, falling, frustration, health, hurt, i don't fucking know., letting go, lies, life, lost, love, memories, mistakes, reflections, relationships, sad, tired

“here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.”
― Haruki Murakami

Its been a battle just trying to get some time on the phone with him and every time I finally do get permission which is rather said because otherwise without it, all my calls are ignored. The entire phone call just starts with hostility. I don't know where it is coming from, it only makes me think you hate me now. Theres no more exceptions. But even towards are stranger you aren't so harsh. Thats why I can't hold back the tears, hearing your hatred and annoyance in your voice simply because you have to take my phone call is very disheartening. Every word pierces like a needle with your anger and tone. Theres not the slightest tone of remorse of a lost love or that I was loved at all. Usually I don't put up with people who treat me like shit, but time and time again I try to get across to you facing your anger. You don't even realize I'm already changing all my standards and self respect for you. You think you can hear it by tone or life decisions, but you'll never really know all of it. I'm willing to take all the hits as long as I get to stay a part of your life, even if its an insignificant part out of pity. We say we're going to take some time off; I know for sure I'll never love anyone like I do you, but you already brought up the part of moving on to new people who makes us happier. I thought I made you happy or you loved me for the way I made you feel. So if you're actively looking for a new love while I;n loyally waiting for yours, what do I do then? Winter break, spring break, all of it is still not enough time for you. When is there enough time? I don't want to be led on with illusions of a second chance and left even more broken.


I can see you deleting me from all the parts of your life already. So I erased myself from face book entirely. I only wrote and updated about us to begin with. I have no use for it anymore. Have you realized your life is a lot simpler and happier without me existing in your world? I don't see any reason otherwise to your constant harsh tone filled with discontent and annoyance. There was a time when you wanted me to talk to you and make my whole world about you. Now that it is, my whole world is falling apart. I gave you everything I had mentally and physically. but the happiness I thought we had wasn't enough to keep you here. I feel like such a fool. Stupid Stupid girl. I always feel for your pretty words and you can lie to me and deceive me and I'll probably still fall for it anyway because I've given up all my self respect to make you happy. You never realized it or acknowledge it. Or else we wouldn't be at this point where you're telling me I am poison and will never change. I've changed so much more than you know inside and out in order to please you. I'm just a foolish girl in the end.  I gave you myself and now it feels like you threw my heart on the pavement, stepped all over it, and backed up your car a few times over it.

“But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
― Haruki Murakami

“I want you always to remember me. Will you remember that I existed, and that I stood next to you here like this?” ― Haruki Murakami

When did I mean so little that you can discard me just like that at first without even a thought of trying. Am I the only one whose stupid and refuse to let go because I believe we owe it to ourselves to give it a try? If you're actively looking for a new love that will please you  mentally and physically in all the ways you want without speaking back to you, I'll still wait in the background. I've waiting for 8 years watching you love and live your life with someone else in silence. Its selfish to only want someone who never speaks back and  is best for you because they treat you well and need you. Its all about your satisfaction. But what about the other person? will you love them simply because they are like your pet and obey you in every sense?  You love them because they love you? Or would you rather love someone not out of selfishness but truly love someone because they are the amazing person you always thought them to be, even if they aren't what you need from a relationship thats all about you.

 You were hurt and made a huge deal when I broke several promises, but you broke every single promise you made to me since day one doing this and I can still find it in my heart to forgive you. But I'm still holding onto your promises. You're a man of your word right? then stop taking the easy way out like I'm so disposing whore.who means nothing so you can brush off and trash me anytime. If you love someone fight for them if you don't even put up a struggle and fight, that only tells the world, yourself and me that person didn't mean much to you to begin with. Its frustrating no matter how you try to justify your actions. And most of all, it hurts. It pains me to every part of me to see thats all I was worth.



Despite everything, It's only about what you believe to be true and the correct approach. Just you and your stubborn believes that your words and thoughts are absolute. Are you not capable of mistakes? Are you god? Is it only your way or the highway?Either way it feels like I'm getting run over and trampled by things flying by me. So why don't you just pull the trigger because I'm slowly dying by your hands and relentless beliefs in your own point of view.

I'm willing to compromise everything and to try everything, but why is it that you can just stomp around in anger without doing your part of what we need to improve. It's not just all me, so please stop treating me like shit every time I try to get through to you and have a solid understand on both sides. The way you act and behave. The way you constantly try to get away and hang up. It'd all so harsh, do you see or hear yourself? I do. But I still love you. I never said I was smart but everything you've done to me and got me to believe has opened up a pandora's box I can't close. And it's all for you. Ive chanced a lot more than you recognize over all this time, you're just blinded by whatever it is you want to call how you treat me to acknowledge any of it.



Either way, I'm waiting for you and my voice never to reach you changes into a sad song. I think for now, I'll just bury myself with school since I'm literally all alone. Theres no one reaching out to me and there is no longer anyone I can reach out to for help and support anymore. I feel like I have zero friends and nobody in my life as always. But its nothing new. I'll just pretend I woke up from a really long dream and I'm back to where I was. No matter how much suffering I went through I never want to let go of these memories. As long as you remember me, I don't care of everyone else forgets.

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star. It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.” ― Haruki Murakami

Labels: alone, apathetic, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., lost, relationships, sad, self-esteem, sorrow, tired, truths

I'm so pathetic and helpless up until the very end. I'm not as strong as I pretend to be and I'm more foolish than you think. It's all killing me inside out. I can feel the piercing pain and burns from the way you cruelly left me hanging in tears and indifference I receive when I try to contact you. I was so niave to believe in everything you told me. Built me up so high in your pedestal of who you thought I was and I'm falling harder than ever without anyone to help me up again. Why did you start all those promises and got me to believe in you only to give up on me so easily. I'm such a fucking joke or probably just a complete tool.

In the end, I was the only one shamelessly fighting for our love and to keep you. While I'm not worth a second look or turning back Everything was just pretty words and I still fall for them every single time if its coming from you who got me to believe in you so much. I should have known better, but I thought life was finally paying off and the best thing thats ever happened to me has finely found me out of all the people in this world and its massive population, we found each other. Its was like a miracle stepping stone to our happiness. I truly believed that. That life was finally turning around and he was going to be the man who saves me from myself.


I lived for him and I would die for him or us. It's way easier to die for someone than it is to live for them. Life is so tiresome and serves as a challenge everyday just trying to make it to the next day. I tried my best to live for us and our false future you implanted as part of the ideas that made me think you were the one. You were the answer; You're my escapism. You're never going to give up on me the way I gave up on myself. Living for someone you love is way harder than one can imagined you have to totally surrender yourself at some point and put that person ahead of you regardless and unconditionally. Until the very moment I fully let go and you have my life and heart under your power and possession. Whats left of the life in me was in your hands; Right there for you to crush and step all over anytime you want.

You really had me going. You were my addiction and maybe if I didn't so desperately want you and your attention attention and time all the time like I'm just some house pet, you'd respect me more and I can have a bit more self respect. In the end, I am nothing. Who the hell did I think I was? I was so in over my head.  Maybe this is all I deserve in the end. To be abandoned easily in a blink of an eye like two day old garbage without any chance or hope. Being entirely cut off with no one to talk to or getting nothing but silent treatment and cold shoulders. You're hurting me so much more than you know. If that was the intention, congratulations you have succeeded prosperously. Take my broken heart as your trophy and put it in your shoe box.


Maybe this was the so call 'love' I deserve in the end and thats what it was all building up to. Still even if I don't deserve any of your love, the way you broke me down was so cruel it still pains me every time I think about it. It still drives me crazy every moment of the day, reminding myself that it's my fault for opening up so much. I should't have showed the real me, no one will actually love who I really am as if I'm some trophy they want to show off their influence o.Very often people are attracted to people who are assholes or broken or damaged, people they have no business getting involved with to begin with but they do it for the thrill and challenge of wanting to change someone's life with their own hands and dictate over it.

I've lost count of how many people I've come  across in my life who always have some kind of input on how to so easily solve whats wrong with me and fix my world and so they think they know me better than myself about about my condition as if its easy as 1, 2, 3 just follow their directions and they know whats best when in reality they have no idea what you are going through. Every single asshole always wants to give their 2 cents on situations and every single one think they they whats best for someone more than that person itself. How can anyone justify their behavior on trying to inflict their personal opinion onto someone else. Seeing it and observing it from your point of view is often very different than having to live with it too. So their forceful behavior end up hurting me in the worst way possible instead of helping. And apparently me, as the individual who actually has to put up with what is insisted gets no say even though I'm personally going through the situation and problems  know whats better for   than the person itself when they are a 3rd party individual who has never gone through the same thing the person is inflicted with and don't know what its really like to be the person itself. They just insist and force it onto the person of conflict because believe their way is the correct way.

In other words simply put, the third party is  basically telling the person how to feel or respond to situations and what makes them happy or not. Dictating their behavior and what they have to put up with. Shouldn't the person themselves feel the reaction of what is forced upon them? Yes they do. And it hurts like fuck,its breaking my heart but the moment I say something, it means I'm just being difficult as always, I'm picking fights, I never listen to anyone else. How about letting the person living that life decide? I can't even express the mental pain it causes me without being accused of being difficult and uncompromising... when the 3rd person starting with the insisting and dominant behaior one who is interfering and insisting their opinion on something that does not directly effect them. Is it to show of your power over the other person you created and tamed? But often times they don't realize they more damage they can fathom to the person who is already broken by treating them like an inferior being that way. People just want a go at it like I'm some science experiment. They want to change me and fix me. And when things get too difficult or complicated, they can just up and leave as always.. But guess what? so hurt me, taint me, deceive me and break me. I;n all yours and I still love you regardless So hurt me if that vilifies the pain i've caused you. Sp I'll still love you and you can keep hurting me as I watch from afar. I can already see that anytime I bring up a concern that is hurting me I just get shut down and bombarded with you're the same person you always was you'll never change as a person for us to e be able to get along. That its all my fault. I'm willing to break myself trying for us. I'm willing to compromise everything and just be a rag doll. But I thought the trying was suppose to be both ways... why do I only feel like I'm walking on eggshells discussing it. That I have to be so cautious of what I say so I don't piss you off easily again and give you another reason to tell me why I am no good and don't deserve another chance...I thought we agree to be more open minded for each other and to be more lenient and understand and treat each other well but so far, eventually somewhere into the conversation I feel like I'm being treated like crap but I don't even want to bother mentioning anything because god forbid if I'm not 150% ok with everything being done.

I waited so long for what we have to happen and I want us to be happy but so far nothing will bring the person who claims to love me around and try along with me to make things work. Its always he needs time away from me, why would you want more time away from a person you love that you barely get to see or talk to as it is? So much for wanting to be smothered with my love and not being scared. I think I'm already overdue and expired on the person of interest list perhaps. I waited in the silence and I seem to be having to do that a lot lately just for a chance at any conversation. I did it for 8 years silently in the background, I can do it for another 8 won't make a difference. Although I'd most likely die before that time comes.. But nothing matters if I'm the only one who wants things to be ok and want to be happy together and believe in it. The whole point is to keep our relationship together and not regress to a state where we stop talking again over every little thing. I just wish it would stop and we can stop worrying so much about every single little thing. I just want to remember that I  love you more than the universe and once upon a time you did too, so just hug and kiss me and not let anything get in between our most sacred bond of all. I'm happy so long as you never stop loving me and always want my love as well. Everything else is just details to it. Our love should be beyond that and these pity things shouldn't phase.

I just want to scream and rip out my hair out sometimes when we fail to see the bigger picture; that all these fucking things don't matter in the end, our love prevails it. I just want to hold you and forget about everything else. I just want to be lost in each other's presence and eyes. and stop stressing out so much about things that really aren't fundamental in the end. who throws away genuine love with that strong of a bond that with any indications life seems to have brought us together and kept it strong within us all these years. That should triumph over any fight and everything.  I'm happy as long as I end up with him. even during bad days as long as we have each other to crawl into bed with, we wake up anew. These grudges and overly magnified details shouldn't even come close to being able to side track our love, but somehow you let it do that... try to come around and remember all that we are first. I think sometimes we forget and take it for granted. I believe in it and I want to believe in us.  I want both of us to fight for not, not just me trying to call you pathetically day by day while you ignore my calls. As I write this I keep thinking how did we let ourselves go like this and choose to be so harsh to the other person; because right now all I want and choose is you first above all.

When we look at it overall on the things we are so preoccupied on being hung up on who's right or wrong or when if ever can we forgive each other, it all seems very trivial and petty compared to the love we have to begin with. Let's not forget about that while picking up rocks around it. I just think of our bond as the core and love that holds us together thats the most important and to never give up on each other and forget the main bond and love.  I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I don't want to "argue" anymore though so I hope one day he sees what I see in us. the magnitude of our love and bond and how everything is just a detail compared to it. What matters the most is how much we love each other, please come around and see that, then you'll understand why I miss you all the time and want to see you above all and need you in my life. We both need to realize that because we love each other so much we should be able to sit down and talk calmly about other things that concern us without having to break up several times a month because of those little things. I'm not saying that the greater picture is a viable excuse to get away with everything in a relationship, but its the first time we hit currents so hard like these and theres no excuse not to give it our best effort and try. To put ourselves out there even if it might hurt ourselves, we need to do it for each other to show what we are capable of. Use failing to realize this concept or not being able to do so much right now isnt a reason to give up instantly. Nothing worth having in life comes easy. We can approach it from another angle. We only live once, remember?

Labels: alone, breaking everything, death, depressed, frustration, goo goo dolls, letting go, lost, love, mentality, mistakes, sorrow, sorry, truths

I keep having these fantasies and dreams that he would finally realize our love and passion for each other and how deeply we both care. So like some epiphany, he just calls me right away instead of waiting a whole silent week. If he comes around and realizes that if he really does love me, thats all he has to say and do; that itself will sweep me off my feet all over again. The notion that he can see again what he saw in us, what I see in us, because he got me to believe in all of it to begin with. I never want to let go. And I hope he never wants to let go. So I can't help but wishfully hope for a spontaneous phone call of realization and clarity of how strong our bond is so all this torture can stop now, but thats hopeful thinking and the kind of wishfulness that usually gets me shot down and disappointed. I just want everything to be okay. I just want you to know I miss you and I hope you still see the same in me.

I often wish I could just stay asleep. The world in my dreams is always better than what I have to deal with in real life most of the time. Even if its a nightmare, somethings I rather stay asleep. Just like that song Mad World, the dreams where I'm dying are the best I've ever had, at times like this. I wish all the drama and fighting was just part of a bad nightmare too and I can just wake up to us. And even if its not quite literal, in a sense I want that to happen, thus the wishfulness of him coming around to see what a great thing we have and will potentially have infinitely.

I've been randomly thinking back to the time I coughed up a lot of blood and he showed up at my door right away a couple days after on the very same week out of concern for me. I never asked but he did it instantaneously without any regrets or regards for anything but me. That was the same time right before the biggest hurricane hit and left NYC in a gas shortage for weeks on end making it a living hell for all the drivers. But none of it bothered me too much and none of it mattered because I got to see him before all the destruction hit and just seeing him made me feel much better and reassured. The fact that he'd just hop on the plan the next day because he cares so much meant the world to me and it's still something I'll be forever thankful for. I mean, nobody does that. Nobody. Right? Wrong, one person does that and I found him; the one perfect soul mate for me that would do that. The last decent person in the world; a rare breed out of all the of human beings I actually trust to let into my own world. I didn't deserve such great love but I loved him more than life itself and so I'll never let go regardless.



The days are getting progressively longer and I am back on painkillers. I'm actually contemplating taking the fibromyalgia medication I have leftover from before while I was working as a mortgage counselor and always had constant stress related nerve wrecking headaches, migraines or body aches. It kinda felt like the physical version of an anti-anxiety. The last time I took it out of the blue because I ran out of everything else it completely numbed me physically for several days and almost made me feel paralyzed. For a bit I thought I had permanent nerve damage from taking it cause my body was numb and constantly sore to everything. I could burn myself and I don't think my nerves would have responded.

My brain started feeling the same way. Like I was entirely empty and everything started feeling less significant to a point I thought I was starting to feel indifferent and apathetic again. I was afraid I would start to feel nothing towards him and us because of my condition and so he immediately called me every day and stayed on the phone for hours on end straight until I could finally see a doctor or specialist. Even when we had nothing to say on the other end, knowing he was there on end was comforting to know I can hear his voice within any given moment of us together. After the hurricane I was stuck at home for a couple of weeks due to the lack of transportation that was actually running and getting access to gas took lining up in line for hours of end as the line continued on for way too many blocks.

Now it just seems like I'm rambling on about random things grasping and holding onto anything I can so we I can get through the days. I think about all our good memories all the time because its posted all around me on my walls and in my mind. To be honest, all the best memories I've had in my life has only happened after he came into my life. Prior to this and that, I was still living in my own invisible hamster ball. I have close friends but everyone is off leading and living their own lives, making their own memories.


Theres no exaggeration involved when I say you're my whole world and everything revolves around you and how I never felt like I was actually living until we met. I was only barely alive, but never truly lived. I don't know why I am going on and on about my own white knight or something of that sort, it may only make it worst if he chooses not to try and work out our differences in the end.

Building me up all the way to push me down, I don't want to survive the fall. I'd take precautions not to because I'm that terrified of the pain, like showering myself in gasoline so when you drop the fire, I don't want to exist.

I don't quite know what the fuck I am saying or trying to say anymore. It's hard to convey anything when i feel like I'm sleep walking... but typing instead. Nothing helps.

Labels: alive, alone, bad days, bad habits, bored, breaking everything, communication, depressed, dull, falling, frustration, health, hurt, i don't fucking know., i miss you, memories, mistakes, reflections, sorry, stuck

Labels: alone, bad days, breaking everything, communication, depressed, dull, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i miss you, insomnia, miserable, mistakes, relationships, sad, smoking, sorry, stuck, tired