I haven’t made any decisions yet. I just wasted my time on stupid thoughts. If we were destined to meet, I thought we’d meet by chance somewhere again as we continue to live, but we are from different world, our environments and lifestyles are different. The universe is really more than who we are; with the world full of billions of people we somehow manage to cross paths again. I always felt like it was a one time chance, the possibility of us happening is lower than winning the lottery thats why I never wanted to let go. I always thought you were the best thing that happened to me in my life. You are my personal lottery and above everything. Miracles don’t happen twice so I never want to or will take it for granted regardless of how ridiculous I can be sometimes when I'm manically depressed, deep in the back of my head I always knew what was the most important thing to me. I didn’t want to let go and give up on us, but it takes two to make a relationship. I can’t torture myself to be the only one fighting for us to stay together. I am purely pathetic to be the only one whose fighting for us, to keep clinging to your feet as you walk away and kick me off time after time.


I have my doubts of the chances of this kind of majestic love ever happening again since we have 3k miles between us and I’m slowly withering away in your memories again. Do you know what chances are for someone 3k miles away to never lose hold of each other’s memories and promises for over a decade. But now it’s all tainted with false promises and nothing but empty words. Chances are only meant for people who’s willing to try. The meaning of chance is just like building a bridge of faith to reach the one you love so you can be together. Except the bridge we walked on was made of unsteady plywood and each step we took was just inevitably towards contributing to the destruction of the bridge that holds everything together. How our bridge was so fragile and how it can be easily brunt into ashes or simply cut off on the other end. I's terrifying walking the bridge we built for each other but I walked it time after time just to see you anyway even though my aerophobia and agoraphobia really makes me flying back and forth a whole new type of hell but I never gave it a second thought. It was always worth it to see you even if it was for a hour every night before you fall asleep as I'm ridden with insomnia.

The only thing that kept me going was the thought that once I make it through this hell, everything will be ok because I can finally see you again and to finally feel your presence again. I realized just how foolish and naive I am to believe and think so simply of love that can be pure sincerity. It seems like its the hardest thing to find in the world. I always thought that no matter what us against the world, nothing matters as long as we have each other but I was so over my head. I’m trying to numb out this pain. I’ll probably obey my psychiatrist's treatment and  up the dosage of my anti-depressants like she did before so I can forget. So I don’t feel anymore. I lowered my dosage before and refuse to take the increased dosage previously for us; because I told you it was making me feel indifferent and numb to everything, like I was just a walking corpse and I wanted to preserve the relationship we have so I sacrificed my medication progress for the sake of our relationship; I was afraid it would make me so numb I would forget how to love or feel your love anymore. It was a sacrifice I made because I want to give it my all and you triumph over everything in my world. It wasn’t good enough anyway. I think now is a good time for me to go back on my original dosage I was suppose to take so I don't feel any of this anymore.

Love is harder to protect than it is to start. Love that isn't strongly rooted in reality only becomes toxic to both parties. This is so frustrating. Did you just fall out of love so easily? Is it because of money, self-protection or the classical I'm not what you want or the girl you imagine me to be after all? It still haunts me how easily it was for you to do so and how it was conducted. In some ways I feel like shit and like I was worth nothing after all. I know theres no better in breaking up, but I think we'd at least merit trying and giving it a second chance. that if the person really loved me, they would try to do right by me even if it's to throw me away. I really hate it when people take the easy way out, over the phone, over the answering machine, over an email; it all just tells me that you can't even do right by me even in the end one last time.

I made you my entire world, but to you I was just a part of your entire world, that’s why I eventually felt the overwhelming pain of being so foolish, absolutely empty and lonely when it was so easy for you to act completely indifferent. When I'm tired of living in this world or when you feel desolated, is love the only thing that has the power to make the world seem beautiful? I don't think love is a magical cure that instantly makes this world into wonderland, where nothing is ever wrong. Love isn't where wonderland exists and everything is all rainbows and sunshine. Yeah, right. Wake up, Hun. A person who believes are still to immature; they don't know that same love that can bring so much happiness will be the same love that destroys the person. Just like Shakespeare said, "No one died from a broken heart, they only wish they did." I was naturally losing the will to live by living everyday and doing whats essential to my health like eat or sleep for weeks.


In this life I've wasted the peek years of my youth having nothing and accomplishing nothing. Everyone says the 20s is the prime period of your life and to enjoy it and experience it and live it to the fullest, but I've done nothing in my life and I'm stuck. Every time I try to go forward, I end up taking two steps back because shit happens. It's seems to always be one crisis after another. I thought I found the one person who was just like me without any words needed to describe the magnitude of our bond together, but I think it might have been just all in my head. For a second there, I thought I was actually worth something and worthy of being love. I gave it everything I could, all my true first experiences with many exceptions and everything else wasn't enough for you. I'm not enough.

We accept the love we think we deserve, and I was selfish to accept his love that I didn't deserve. To be quite honest, I don't deserve to be treated sincerely from anyone. Not even from my friends. I feel like I owe a lot to them for helping me without me asking for help. For always reaching out to me when I'm down on my knees. It really is very tiresome trying to live day by day waiting for the day to end only for the next day to be exactly the same, waiting for each day to end and counting until the next day. I feel like I've aged three times my actual age with time going by so slowly and all that's happened in my life. As if I'm waiting for some impending universal apocalypse to end it all. Or maybe I'm just fading away slowly but surely again; I am relapsing to a phase where I am nothing.

Don't you feel sorry towards Van Gogh who led a much more miserable life than we did? Do you know about Van Gogh's love? "Even if I put my everything at stake, even if I lose every thing, I will not have regrets." You can’t say you are in love unless you are able to understand that concept and engrave those worlds deeply in your heart. Van Gogh's love summarizes the love I felt perfectly and pretty much sums up my situation adequately. Except I'm not going bat shit crazy and chopping off my ears off, but I'm hurting a lot physically and mentally cause I bet everything I had on us. I don't think you truly loved me as much as I do you nor did you put your entire life on the line for me like you claim you would or else it wouldn't have came to this point. There’s no comparison though, Heartbreak is heartbreak no matter what the cause and situation is.

I hate it when people belittle other’s feelings and pain acting like they are above it all and know it all because "others have it much worst". Yeah sure, there are kids starving in Africa and masses of populations in poverty and pain. But it doesn't justify the fact that people as individuals can still be hurt and life still hurts. Everyone has a sob sorry, some more severe than the others, but I don't think I would ever tell someone who confides me in to get over myself because there are kids suffering in 3rd world countries who have it so much worst, its very belittling to each and every individual's right to feel. So what if people have it much worst? It’s not a fucking competition. You feel what you feel and that’s part of life. I honestly don’t think anyone has the right to belittle anyone’s sorrow unless it involves completely spoiled frivolous whining from spoiled brats bitching about how their rich parent wont by them the fancy car they want… then yeah, that’s retarded.


People often think I have no reason to be the way I am because a lot of my trauma is in the past but internal scars never really heal and always haunt me. I know people always just say get over it or you don't have an excuse to be the way you are anymore, but I don't feel like I have to justify my life and how I feel about life itself to anyone. It's just how I am. I can't be tamed to be the obedient pet you want me to be so easily. Things are always easier said than done, but I'm trying my best. Most people just assume I'm just making everything excessively complicated; that I'm doing it to myself. Who chooses to be this way? No one. I would give anything to be "normal". It's really insulting. Do you think I want to be the way and chose to walk this path? Who would intentionally choose constant pain over a normal life? I'd give anything just to be able to sleep like a normal person, much less my other mental and physical conditions. I'm just dragging this life on.

Pain will always accompany love, there is no such thing as perfection. Anyone who claims his or her so-called relationship is flawless is just full of shit. Or perhaps they just don't give half a shit or know their significant other enough to notice or care about any of it because they can't be bothered with the subject at hand. Or maybe they're getting some on the side or just simply can't be bothered about the importance of keeping up with each other's feelings. No one can really hurt you or break you without your permission and it's always been the people I love most in my life whose broken me to a point beyond repair. People belittle relationships so much its saddening and disgusting. That’s why I never wanted to bother dating. Even the best couples will fight but what matters is above all that, you still remember that your love prevails over it all and that’s the most important thing. Individuals who forget the importance of what should be prioritize over their own selfishness tend to have their hands dirty, it might as well be soaked in blood from all the hearts they tear apart, because they are so skilled at the art of deception.

That’s why this is just like how I never really stayed mad or resent you continuously no matter how much you fucked up; Because I ask myself "Ok, so you're mad right now, but can you live without him? Do you want to live the rest of your life without him?" and the answer was always the same and I eventually do calm down but become paranoid and terrified of losing you in the process, that’s why I tend to wake up sometimes in cold sweat in panic mode, terrified that somewhere along the way overnight, I lost you. That you would just disappear one day without a notice. So the first thing I do when I'm conscious is immediately try to contact you. Just to make sure you’re still mines, hearing your voice soothes me. Like as if I'm trying to reassure myself you're still mines despite how annoying or high maintenance people tend to find me.


Have you ever felt that way about me? Waking up in extreme remorse soaked in cold sweat from the nightmare of losing the person you love? Waking up in panic and being scared to death that the person you love is gone for good? I wonder if you ever asked yourself that same question I ask myself, because clearly you can live fine and go the rest of your life without me... I really lost confidence the moment I knew I'm the only one who wants more out of this relationship and to keep it sparkling and alive. Just because the "chase" is over and I'm yours, it doesn't mean you don't have to try anymore. It doesn't mean you can treat me like shit and be so confident that I wont leave you because that’s how unconditional I can be with how you treat me or act around me.


Sometimes it makes me think people are just addicted to the chase, it’s human nature for people to want what they can't have. Jerks who are addicted to the chase and when they finally have all of you, they simply throw it all away. Then after the whole charade, when they finally win the person over, the timer immediately starts ticking down to the moment where that person you once fell in love start becoming nothing special, nothing but another ordinary person you can't be bothered with and they start becoming unworthy of all the trouble you use to go through for them. Unworthy of your time or unworthy of you taking an extra second to answer them; unworthy of going out of your way for anymore. It’s funny because I’m usually the cold one, but when I love someone enough I become so vulnerable that I’m become weak and helpless. Completely hopeless no matter how cruelly and harshly I am treated.

Time is ticking… just ticking and ticking. Until one day all of this will wither into a flicker of memory. It'll just become another painful memory I try to hide in the back of my head because I can't let it resurface ever again. It simply hurts too much.

I know it sounds absolutely retarded, foolish and naive, but what I need is someone who love me more and more by the day. As if the moment we wake up to each other and I see you sleeping so beautifully and peacefully, I fall in love with you all over again every day and increasingly each and everyday. I guess you never know or felt that way about me. I tend to have fucked up weird concepts of what I want and need from what we call love but right now I need to recover and get my life together. I'm under a pile of debt that’s just waiting for me to pay off on all my credit cards. I'm not eating or spending any money but tuition debts are killing me. I'm so tired about the world being dictated by money and the bureaucracy behind the system. No matter what, in the end, everything boils down to money on what you can and cannot do with your life. Everything depends on how much you have. I'm contemplating just withdrawing from school and petitioning for a tuition waiver and semester deletion so I can maybe figure out a way to pay my debts and what money I have to put aside for living expenses... I've been hospitalized or put in the emergency room over 4 times within that last half a year. My last accident was become some car T-boned me at an intersection, the car flew out from a side one way street and my mind froze for a good 10 seconds before I realized what happened, I've been hit.

The break up out of the blue really took a toll on me for weeks I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost around 17-20 pounds within 2-3 weeks without even trying simply because I had no appetite at all which was probably causing me to black out randomly since it was physically breaking me down. I was just surviving off water at that point. I'm not as strong as I try to pretend to be and that heartbreak  was the last I could take before I relapse to a dark place; returning all over again into deep depression and insolation. I always thought you'd encourage me but instead you topped the sundae of this pathetic excuse of a year with your own bitter cherry on top with poor excuses. I'm trying to slowly ease back into the process of eating again but its hard since I haven't eaten in so long that every time I do try to eat, I can't seem to hold it down. Like my body is rejecting it because I haven't had anything in so long.

I'd really like to thank my best friends who always instinctively reached out to me the moment they knew someone is wrong and wanted to take care of me or just visit me or they try to spot me for my favorite foods and convince me to eat. I was suppose to go meet up with one of them this weekend but I passed out for 2 days straight on Friday. Then Sunday came and I got hit by some shitty driver. T-boned on my passenger side. I was stuck in the hospital for some time for being malnourished, anemic, having a panic attack at the scene, hurting my back and hyperventilating to a point my heart rate was over 150. And no, the accident was not my fault. I was going straight on a main avenue and some bitch flew out from a side street and apparently don't know how to brake. I didn't even know what was going on until I heard and felt the impact. That was the day I was picking up all my medications also so the doctors got my full medical records and no, I wasn't impaired from my medicine to drive. I had the light.


I feel like I'm losing control of everything in my life because no matter what I do, or say, it takes two people to communicate. Thats why I gave up eventually because I realized no matter how hard I try or what I do, it takes two to make things work; not just me wishfully fighting for the both of us. I can't even bother to fight for myself anymore. All I could do was call the parents and police as I stayed in the drivers seat and cried. Everything is out of my control now a days. Everything. Its sad but its the truth that you cant make anyone love you or care about you just because I didn't want to let go.

Its weird because ever since I can remember, whenever I'm walking around or driving I always tend to imagine myself getting into a car accident whether its me crashing into a tree or getting run over, It always made me think of all the possibilities that things can be over so easily and no one thinks twice about it when they are living their daily lives. I think about it all the time. I really hate being on psychiatric hold... some bitch crashed into me... It's not like I was trying to kill myself by driving off a bridge. I just had a really bad panic attack halfway into it. The couldn't do anything but take my vitals and monitor me closely so I don't get a heart attack or stroke. And they kept an IV pump in me since I wasn't eating properly...when I try I get really nauseous and throw up.

Speaking of which... I really need to get out of here. I'm taking the semester off so I have some time to recover and get my mentally and physical health back together in a better place by the time I return for Spring and I just want to escape from all this. Thinking of the upcoming holidays and being all alone as usual makes me super depress every year. I'm contemplating a few things and places I might disappear to. I'm still not sure since I'm still in my mourning phase... it only feels like yesterday that one year ago I had the love of my life to spend my days and nights with. To celebrate these special occasions with. I know it may mean nothing but I find it kind of sad we couldn't even make it to the second year. Previous to that I at least got a phone call and voicemails when I was working full time a couple years ago. Now that I'm demoted to one of those unimportant strangers who you can be bothered to don't go out of their way for anymore; I highly doubt anything will happen because no one can be bothered by the likes of me.

I've neglected a lot of people in my life friends and family to be with him every chance I had on break and I broke ties with friends for him. I literally made him my whole world and that was all ok with me because I was living in a world where only we exist, surviving on all his promises and pretty words to happen and come true eventually and that was enough for me. But they were just all words after all, because I'm a stupid girl according to most people in my life and I can't say I disagree, now I'm left with nothing. I'm more foolish and idiotic than I want to admit I am but I deserve this. I did this to myself. Cutting everyone out for him and wanting to spend as much as humanly possible with him... All I wanted and needed was him. I'm more foolish than most people think I am.


I know I can always talk to my old friends again and pick up right where we left off because the few people I have in my life are just those kind of people that will always be there for me unconditionally regardless of how long its been, we don't judge or think any less of each other when we chat or pick up where we left off, of just when we need someone to talk to. I can't help but feel like a complete asshole though. I know that my friends will always forgive me but I should have put some time apart for them instead of giving myself entirely to him. To do as he pleases with me like a rag doll. I tried so hard to please him I forgot how to love myself or anyone else. I don't regret it, I just wish he could have acknowledged it.

Plus at this point in my life I don't have the money to do anything with. I'm living off my credit cards and going into negatives so my friends are spotting me. They really have always been so generous I was so touched I couldn't help but cry.  I feel like I lost myself somewhere out there and came back sad knowing life is much more than who we are. There are very few people I let into my life, and I can probably count the amount of people I truly care about with my hands, but thats what makes them so special. They have always shown me and treated me with kindness I don't deserve. I still remember all our childhood memories and everything we've been through that made us who we are. I know we all have our own lives now, but they never fail to come to my rescue without me even asking. And for that, I'm forever grateful. Like I want to thank them for being alive and being the person they are. Thanks for being alive with me. Because there are plenty of times I think I wouldn't have made it without them by my side growing up in isolation.



Which one is the most important between trust, hope and love? It's loyalty. Loyalty covers both hope and love. I'm a very loyal person at heart like how I think about you all the time but I don't need the same. I've lost my faith in sincere loyalty though, I've seen so many sides of people and heard so much of the same things. I'm really starting to hate all those pretty words. Actions and results show a lot more than words. Everyone can sweet talk and boost about how grand their love is, but very few can actually go through with it and prove it everything for the rest of their lives.

Love is like a car accident. Just like a car accident— without any warning, it finds and hits us hard. And just like love, the other person who hurt you can choose to flee from the scene; leaving you to die on your own, or the person can truly love you unconditionally and hold you by tightly by their side because they never want to lose you. They hold onto you like you’re life itself to make sure you don’t lost consciousness or drift off into a coma. Lastly an individual can cruelly choose to watch the person they love suffer and die slowly while doing nothing as they watch with indifference.

I still remember the 10 Rules that always makes me smile and feel melancholic all the same;

01. Don’t ask her to be feminine.
02. Don’t let her drink over three glasses of alcohol.
03. Drink coffee instead of Coke/Juice.
04. If she hits you, act like it hurts. If it hurts, act like it doesn’t.
05. On your 100th day together, give her a rose during her class.
06. Make sure you learn fencing and squash.
07. Be prepared to go to prison sometimes.
08. If she says she’ll kill you, don’t take it lightly.
09. If her foot hurts, exchange shoes with her.
10. She likes to write. Encourage her.

It makes me wonder if he ever saw my sorrow and want to be the one that helps me heal. I know I'm selfish and unreasonable, but thats what makes me part of me. And you always forgave me for it or loved me even more because of it. But things change, people change, the love you once believed in is pure toxic and life doesn't stop for anybody.



Either way, I have the entire winter off. After my physical therapy, I'm running away. I need my escapism, you gave me the false impression of being my ultimate escapism but it was all just lies. I need to built my own escapism again. I need to be far far away from everything I know and everything I am. I need to be away from this place. I need a change of pace. Depending on how things go, I'm leaving as a Christmas present to myself. To do something smart for once. Perhaps something like a palette cleanser? I'm not entirely sure as to all the details or explanation for me disappearing, but it feels like it's something I need to do.


I can't wait to get away from this place. Actually I guess I'm not really running away since no one will be chasing after me or miss me. I guess I'm just looking forward to restart and doing the unstuck under the same skies as I fade away and become a distant memory. I just need to be in a new environment even thought we share the same skies. Try not to celebrate my non-existence too much.

Labels: alive, alone, depressed, doctor, dull, escapism, falling, friendships, frustration, growing up, hurt, letting go, lies, life, lost, love, memories, mistakes, relationships, stuck