I had a crush; my first love over a decade ago and now I’ve supposedly ruined everything by being me. It’s disheartening because I truly believe that I can finally be happy for once. I was way over my head. But just as always, people always leave me. Am I so easily disposable? How can the person tell me that their feelings are still there, the love still exist, but treat me like I don’t exist. It’s breaking my heart every day. I don’t know what to make of anything anymore, apparently its for my own good, but I can only feel myself dying inside bit by bit as each day goes by. Is that for my own good as well? I really wish my words would reach you for once.

You tell me you still love me yet on the other hand you treat me like garbage, telling me you can’t be bothered with answering any of my texts or calls because you don’t go out of your way for me anymore. It was harsh and still burns in my head. Even if you’re on break I can’t imagine treating the person I love like nothing and hurting them even more. That’s not love. I feel so pathetic but I just can’t let go because I can’t imagine being so happy with someone else. How we are so alike and connect like telepathy exists between us. There can’t be so many coincident in the world. The chances of us happening ones one in billions but the universe brought us together. I can’t find someone that makes me happier. While you told me we should move on and find someone better for us as individuals… was that all the time, years and being together against all odds… Did that mean anything? Was that all I am worth to you after everything you told me in confidence before? I never believed in soul mates before, but from the beginning to now, I’ve come to realize we are so much alike that we can be each other’s escapism. Feeling okay to let your guard down and knowing the person who loves you don’t and will never think any less of you. It’s all part of putting the pieces back together since we are both broken in different ways. 

I don’t want to throw it away on a whim without any chance at all. How can we ever get to a better place or compromise certain things if all I can feel is the continuous ice cold indifferent from you. I’ve hurt myself and I’ve hurt you, but you have also hurt me. We’re both hurt, but why is it that you treat me like I’m nothing and tell me the opposite. Even if we are taking a break, we can never recover if this is what is going to happen continuously. False hope will only break me more. And if this is whole thing is out of how pitiful I am to refuse to let you go, and the treatment is the way to push me away, then congratulations its breaking my heart more by the day as I try hard to not lose you for another decade.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” ― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets

Did you really love me at all? Or was it just a fad, a delusional phase where you convince yourself you do. The whole if you love a person let them go is bullshit. That only applies to people who are no longer in love or people who loves someone else more. But when that person still loves you more than life itself, you’re only hurting them by shoving them away. It’s not setting a person free in that case, you’re shoving them away because it’s so one sided. I always thought that if you truly love a person you’d want them to be happy no matter what even if it means compromising your values or what you personally think is right for my life. I reached out shamelessly but you haven’t budge. Is that the extent of your love?

It used to be we couldn’t stay mad at each other for more than a day. Couples fight and disagree all the time, it can become overwhelming, but isn’t it that part of being in relationship. There’s no perfect relationship where couples never fight, but the whole point is that if you truly love each other enough it will prevail over it all. That in the end, if you really love that person all that matters is you never want to let the other go, everything else becomes petty overnight because that’s how unconditional you can be.

What can I do when the only family I sacrificed my sanity for tells me I should just kill myself because I’m so worthless? And I can’t get a few minutes to talk to the person a love no matter how I beg. A few minutes out of days, is it really too much to ask for? I’m falling apart and I have no one to turn to… Trying to stay alive and get through the day has become so difficult that I think maybe it’s better if I end it all. So I don’t have to feel this bitter pain every second of the day anymore. I can’t eat or sleep. I don’t remember the last time I had a real meal. I can feel my body shutting down from not eating or sleeping for days, but none of the discomfort or pain compares to driving myself insane.

When you said there’s no chance and you’d refuse to see me even no matter what; I cried my heart out, but you remained cool. Maybe its because you’re experienced so that you can completely turn your back on me without a second thought. My life is a mess without you, but you’re fine without me. You can live your daily life but I can’t. You can still work, still have fun like I never existed, I miss you so much it’s driving crazy. Is it so easy for you to leave?

No matter how meanly you treat me, you’re still the best thing that’s happened to me. You’re still beautiful to me. Even if you get mad and yell, the way I feel about you never wavered. I really like you a lot. But if you truly hate me, I won’t call you anymore and I’ll give up. So tell me, do you really hate me?