I fell apart yesterday and even though it was only halfway through the allotted amount of time we agreed on, we talked for a bit. I broke down crying just hearing his voice again. I miss him so much and theres no words in the world that can describe just exactly how much I do. This constant yearning. You are my drug. You are my addiction. You are everything I want and need. It worried me when we talked and every time he spoke as if I should get ready for the worst scenario. Like remember no matter what I still etc. Even if we're not together etc. I really don't want to hear you saying it like that. I want us to be ok and absolute. Any possibility of losing you terrifies me to no end. Even if its .000001%, it would still be too much of a risk. I need him 150%.

Oh, I’ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It’s not about your scars
It’s all about your heart

You’re a butterfly held captive
Small and safe in your cocoon
Go on you can take your time
Time is said to heal all wounds

Couldn't make it to class today with everything thats going on taking my insomnia to a whole new level. I find myself constantly dizzy and tired. Plus I really need to get my eyes checked. All the strain I put on my eyes all day is starting to add up to massive headaches. I keep waking up after a couple of hours of sleep and can't seem to stay asleep for one straight night.



I just want to crawl into a comfy bed and never have to wake up again but then again I'd be a total disappointment and failure. I guess I should at least make it to repay my mother for putting a roof over my head even though life have been total shit under that same roof.. If I were in a vegetative state, I might as well be dead. Just another useless thing taking up space on earth wasting oxygen. I think thats why counselors, therapists and all professions that are somewhere along that line take the whole sometimes I just want to fall asleep and never have to wake up as a red light for someone being suicidal. Honestly, I'm pretty sure I go through a whole series of suicidal thoughts every day but it doesn't mean I'll go through with it... It just means I'm worn out and life is tiresome and sometimes it might really be easier to take the easy way out. But nothing worth having in life comes easy.

Just like my own fairytale relationship. The foundation of it has been shaken up lately and I think both of us being so alike are terrified of getting hurt and being vulnerable. But he's amazing and the only one I want. What we have is so much more than everything because our love triumphs over it. So even if I get hurt and I'm hurting, I'll fight for you. I may have given up on myself over a decade ago, but I'll never give up on you. So please don't give up on me the way I did to myself. We need each other in that sense. If you really love someone fight for them, never let go.



Being OCD and constantly worrying and obsessing is really taking a toll on me. I feel like I aged triple my age since last week. I'm always exhausted and constantly fatigue even though it's not like I ran a marathon or anything. I'm literally driving myself to the edge of exhaustion physically because I'm mentally fucked up...I'm passing out or randomly nodding off again as I type so I'm probably going to call it a day. Another day gone, another day to count then another and another. Sigh. I miss you so much love. I wonder if you're having as hard of a time adjusting as I do. Ir maybe you're relieved of a shit ton of burden because I'm no longer around. Either way, I'm waiting for you so I hope you can see that we really do have something special between us that keeps us together. The universe brought us together and finally gave us the chance after a decade, don't be the one to give up so easily after all our history and silent wishes and prayers for each other. And now we finally have each other.

My posts probably aren't making much sense lately because I refuse to review or read over what I've written because I know I'll delete everything reading myself whining and bitching  about every other thing. The grammar or spelling and etc has probably been abysmal also, but I hate reviewing - no spelling or grammar check either. I really can't stand myself consciously and I annoy myself a lot of the times. I think there are moments when I'm speaking to someone or in groups and I pause and think goddamn I'm so fucking annoying, can someone please take over the fucking conversation please.... in my head. Then I proceed to forget what the hell I'm talking about in the first place. This is why it's easier to just rant to no one but a blog.... It doesn't gets its feelings hurt and I don't have to worry about what I say or pre-filter everything I write first in my head before just pouring it all out in its raw tangled up way it runs in my mind.

Ok, I'm really tired. I just face planted while writing that last paragraph and woke up randomly at 3am, finished the rest of it, even though I can't see what I'm writing and now back to trying to sleep...

Labels: i miss you, insanity, lost, love, quotes, rant, relationships, self-esteem, smoking, sorry, stuck, tired