I don't even know how to express how I feel. Sometimes, it just cuts so deep. And I keep wondering what the hell went wrong. Was there a huge defining moment that changed it all or did things just accumulate over time? I really don't know. Maybe I'm looking for someone to blame because I don't understand anything. Nothing was ever perfect, but I can't pinpoint where it went wrong. I guess I need closure. I just want to know what the hell happened. I thought we were good. But I always think that - in my mind, everything is perfect, fine the way they are. And then someone tells me this isn't enough and I can do nothing but agree. If you say this isn't enough, then it isn't. I can't change how you feel even if it invalidates my own emotions. I get pissed off and say, I'm giving you all I've got and your response? Not good enough.


So it isn't good enough for you, okay. Your words fucking gut me, but okay, you're entitled to feel this way who am I to say anything different? Your feelings are your own and no matter what I do, I can't prove you wrong. So it isn't enough and you want to walk. And you walk. But if you're gonna go, can you take everything with you? Can you just take it all with you?

Oh, you don't give a shit. But I get so frustrated. Because maybe this can be fixed but what do we go back to? There's nothing. That shit kills me. And you - you're all, Get the fuck over it. Move on, because I already have. So live your life. I don't hold anything against you. I just can't help but miss you all the time. And no one really understands. I can't really tell anyone either. Well, I'm standing on my own now and I know you are too. But there are so many questions and certain things keep replaying in my mind - there was a moment, I know there was. I know the date. I remember the words. And I know I was wrong. So I keep going back to that moment - and it's truly the one thing I regret. I always go back to that day.

If I didn't love you, I wouldn't be in agony right now. And I'm always torn between wanting to let you know how much I care and pretending that I don't anymore. Because you basically said fuck it, because you saw that I was hurting and you still said, fuck it, get over yourself. And still all I want, all I need is to let you know that I loved you to the best of my ability. Even things we thought were meant forever won't last. But I don't want you to look back and think, She never loved me. She doesn't give a fuck.

Labels: alone, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, depressed, falling, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., lies, life, lost, love