So taunt me, and hurt me,
Deceive me, desert me,
I'm yours till I die,

So in love,
So in love,
So in love with you, my love, am I.

Nothings ever going to be the same. I'm falling apart all over the place and no one is ever here. Although theres always friends, I've come to a point in my life where I feel like I have no one. I was so delusional to think I'm worthy of love. This emptiness is killing me. This silence I use to embrace is driving me crazy. I opened up too much and let myself go too much, now it's the beginning of the end. Story of my life. I was naive to think there are such things such as happy endings or fairy tales. Look where I am now. Nowhere and here. Still the same place I always was and regressing.


I'm down on my knees, hurt and terrified. I've never been at a point in my life where I was so afraid to lose someone that I have panic attacks and black out. The minute he hung up, I panicked and stopped breathing or living. My biggest fear of opening up only to have someone walk out on me happened again. People always get fed-up and sick of me and my shit. I naturally drive people away being broken. I guess no one wants the malfunctioning inferior one after all.. who would choose otherwise. I always said and thought if that ever happens it's over. It happened and it was like everything in and around me sunk to the bottom but, I still love him. Sometimes its the people we love that hurts us the most and we let them because life has no purpose without them. Its sink or die. Where did it all go wrong? When did you realize your love really isn't imperishable? That it isn't unconditional after all.  When did you start loving me less and less... I wish I got a heads up because I love you all the same and more so than I do myself. I've never begged anyone in my life.

But you but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
"Do you like to hurt?"
"I do! I do!"
"Then hurt me."

I haven't been so broken down since my childhood and trying to survive the abuse and death. I've lost myself and given myself away and now my heart and life is in someone else's hands. All free to step all over or rip apart freely. I'm not as strong as people think. I've tried to be a solid wall all these years and at the end its just tiresome. I'm burnt out from all the pain and hurt acquired and I can't carry anymore. I gave up on myself years ago just like that and because of that. Living is so tiresome and life hasn't been very friendly. I can feel myself shutting down all over again and falling back into the deep dark pit I've dug myself in over the years. I'll be whatever people want me to be or wish I was because no one accepts the real me in its entire form. I should have known better. I'll be your rag doll.

It hurts too much to want anymore; to wish for any more.  I wish you'd talk to me more and show me you love me more, because god knows I need it. I can barely breathe. I'm torn...

Labels: alone, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, depressed, falling, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., life, lost, love