Labels: alone, bad habits, dreams, fraud, growing up, i don't fucking know., letting go, lies, life, love, lyrics, memories, quotes

Labels: love, lyrics, music, quotes, wishes

This is how you lose her.

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.


You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

I accepted love I didn't deserve because I couldn't bare the idea of living without him. So I was selfish and reached too high. It turns out he ways way too far from me all along. But I guess theres nothing we can do about the things we have to live without. Life gives happiness and life takes it away. Especially since it was the best thing thats ever happened to me like a miracle and experiencing the warmth of love and what it can be. Thank you for that, you're the first and perhaps the last. Because in the name of Charlie Brown, I've always been afraid of being happy because when you start being happy and worst... being too happy... too attached, bad things are bond to happens. I feel like I'm paying back a debt for the time I received from him, when I felt genuinely happy with him, and now I'm miserable and scared.

I got into a car accident today (some bitch t-boned me then went all banshee bat shit crazy on me with her posy while I was alone...awesome.) and next thing I know I'm in an ambulance to the hospital. I'm in the hospital but the physical pain is nothing compared to how I'm dying inside by the day. I've had so much blood taken from me to run tests and needles stuck in me. I really really do hate hospitals. I'm pretty sure part of the drip is like liquid "food" since I haven't been able to eat so my blood results came back last week as me being malnourished and anemic. If that shitty driver have hit the drivers side, it would have probably be game over for me with life. I wonder what it would be like if it was that way instead, so easy.

I guess I'll write more about the car accident and hospital tomorrow since it doesn't seem like I'm going to be discharged soon. and I have nothing to do here.. I really should have gotten life insurance, so at least if I die, my family will be set for most of their lives and I don't have to live with the burden of constantly trying to repay and redeem myself for my existence. This air thing they have over me making everything hard to see and I'm just so exhausted, so fed up with everything thats happening one thing after another. Hey life, I'm already down, will you stop fucking kicking and stomping all over me for now? I wish some day there will be better days...

I really need this year to end, I need a new start and recompose myself again. Theres a lot coming up huh, its making me depress just thinking about it. Sigh. Maybe I should really just pack a bag pack and book a one way flight to Europe somewhere and starve to death somewhere along the way probably. Either way, I need a change of pace and scene. I need new beginnings and second chances to pursue what little goals I have left. Unfortunately I don't have any of that or access to that. One day... Just one day if I disappear, I hope I'll be in somewhere overseas far away from here.

Labels: alive, alone, bad days, death, depressed, falling, frustration, health, hurt, insanity, insomnia, mentality, quotes

“Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it
Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly
That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Labels: alone, bad days, books, death, depression, escapism, growing up, innocence, letting go, life, lost, love, perks of being a wallflower, poem, quotes, sad

I fell apart yesterday and even though it was only halfway through the allotted amount of time we agreed on, we talked for a bit. I broke down crying just hearing his voice again. I miss him so much and theres no words in the world that can describe just exactly how much I do. This constant yearning. You are my drug. You are my addiction. You are everything I want and need. It worried me when we talked and every time he spoke as if I should get ready for the worst scenario. Like remember no matter what I still etc. Even if we're not together etc. I really don't want to hear you saying it like that. I want us to be ok and absolute. Any possibility of losing you terrifies me to no end. Even if its .000001%, it would still be too much of a risk. I need him 150%.

Oh, I’ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It’s not about your scars
It’s all about your heart

You’re a butterfly held captive
Small and safe in your cocoon
Go on you can take your time
Time is said to heal all wounds

Couldn't make it to class today with everything thats going on taking my insomnia to a whole new level. I find myself constantly dizzy and tired. Plus I really need to get my eyes checked. All the strain I put on my eyes all day is starting to add up to massive headaches. I keep waking up after a couple of hours of sleep and can't seem to stay asleep for one straight night.



I just want to crawl into a comfy bed and never have to wake up again but then again I'd be a total disappointment and failure. I guess I should at least make it to repay my mother for putting a roof over my head even though life have been total shit under that same roof.. If I were in a vegetative state, I might as well be dead. Just another useless thing taking up space on earth wasting oxygen. I think thats why counselors, therapists and all professions that are somewhere along that line take the whole sometimes I just want to fall asleep and never have to wake up as a red light for someone being suicidal. Honestly, I'm pretty sure I go through a whole series of suicidal thoughts every day but it doesn't mean I'll go through with it... It just means I'm worn out and life is tiresome and sometimes it might really be easier to take the easy way out. But nothing worth having in life comes easy.

Just like my own fairytale relationship. The foundation of it has been shaken up lately and I think both of us being so alike are terrified of getting hurt and being vulnerable. But he's amazing and the only one I want. What we have is so much more than everything because our love triumphs over it. So even if I get hurt and I'm hurting, I'll fight for you. I may have given up on myself over a decade ago, but I'll never give up on you. So please don't give up on me the way I did to myself. We need each other in that sense. If you really love someone fight for them, never let go.



Being OCD and constantly worrying and obsessing is really taking a toll on me. I feel like I aged triple my age since last week. I'm always exhausted and constantly fatigue even though it's not like I ran a marathon or anything. I'm literally driving myself to the edge of exhaustion physically because I'm mentally fucked up...I'm passing out or randomly nodding off again as I type so I'm probably going to call it a day. Another day gone, another day to count then another and another. Sigh. I miss you so much love. I wonder if you're having as hard of a time adjusting as I do. Ir maybe you're relieved of a shit ton of burden because I'm no longer around. Either way, I'm waiting for you so I hope you can see that we really do have something special between us that keeps us together. The universe brought us together and finally gave us the chance after a decade, don't be the one to give up so easily after all our history and silent wishes and prayers for each other. And now we finally have each other.

My posts probably aren't making much sense lately because I refuse to review or read over what I've written because I know I'll delete everything reading myself whining and bitching  about every other thing. The grammar or spelling and etc has probably been abysmal also, but I hate reviewing - no spelling or grammar check either. I really can't stand myself consciously and I annoy myself a lot of the times. I think there are moments when I'm speaking to someone or in groups and I pause and think goddamn I'm so fucking annoying, can someone please take over the fucking conversation please.... in my head. Then I proceed to forget what the hell I'm talking about in the first place. This is why it's easier to just rant to no one but a blog.... It doesn't gets its feelings hurt and I don't have to worry about what I say or pre-filter everything I write first in my head before just pouring it all out in its raw tangled up way it runs in my mind.

Ok, I'm really tired. I just face planted while writing that last paragraph and woke up randomly at 3am, finished the rest of it, even though I can't see what I'm writing and now back to trying to sleep...

Labels: i miss you, insanity, lost, love, quotes, rant, relationships, self-esteem, smoking, sorry, stuck, tired

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. I find myself having a hard time trying to breathe while my mind is imploding from the endless series of running thoughts. I had to get a new inhaler from my general practitioner a bit ago. It's late in the middle of the night and the same emptiness is crawling back again lately. I hate this lingering feeling. Charlie Brown was right.

I made a mess of myself and I need to learn how to stop, to dull myself out and regain that numbing composure that helps suppress everything. It's the only way I know how to survive without completely falling apart. I'm living in my own head again.

I need my music... and I should start reading again. Yeah...that.

“here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.” ― Haruki Murakami

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then the one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
And shorter of breath and one day closer to death

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways.

Labels: bad habits, dull, i don't fucking know., insomnia, lyrics, music, quotes, sad