This is how you lose her.

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.


You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

I accepted love I didn't deserve because I couldn't bare the idea of living without him. So I was selfish and reached too high. It turns out he ways way too far from me all along. But I guess theres nothing we can do about the things we have to live without. Life gives happiness and life takes it away. Especially since it was the best thing thats ever happened to me like a miracle and experiencing the warmth of love and what it can be. Thank you for that, you're the first and perhaps the last. Because in the name of Charlie Brown, I've always been afraid of being happy because when you start being happy and worst... being too happy... too attached, bad things are bond to happens. I feel like I'm paying back a debt for the time I received from him, when I felt genuinely happy with him, and now I'm miserable and scared.

I got into a car accident today (some bitch t-boned me then went all banshee bat shit crazy on me with her posy while I was alone...awesome.) and next thing I know I'm in an ambulance to the hospital. I'm in the hospital but the physical pain is nothing compared to how I'm dying inside by the day. I've had so much blood taken from me to run tests and needles stuck in me. I really really do hate hospitals. I'm pretty sure part of the drip is like liquid "food" since I haven't been able to eat so my blood results came back last week as me being malnourished and anemic. If that shitty driver have hit the drivers side, it would have probably be game over for me with life. I wonder what it would be like if it was that way instead, so easy.

I guess I'll write more about the car accident and hospital tomorrow since it doesn't seem like I'm going to be discharged soon. and I have nothing to do here.. I really should have gotten life insurance, so at least if I die, my family will be set for most of their lives and I don't have to live with the burden of constantly trying to repay and redeem myself for my existence. This air thing they have over me making everything hard to see and I'm just so exhausted, so fed up with everything thats happening one thing after another. Hey life, I'm already down, will you stop fucking kicking and stomping all over me for now? I wish some day there will be better days...

I really need this year to end, I need a new start and recompose myself again. Theres a lot coming up huh, its making me depress just thinking about it. Sigh. Maybe I should really just pack a bag pack and book a one way flight to Europe somewhere and starve to death somewhere along the way probably. Either way, I need a change of pace and scene. I need new beginnings and second chances to pursue what little goals I have left. Unfortunately I don't have any of that or access to that. One day... Just one day if I disappear, I hope I'll be in somewhere overseas far away from here.

Labels: alive, alone, bad days, death, depressed, falling, frustration, health, hurt, insanity, insomnia, mentality, quotes