I write here for myself to keep my thoughts organized about my personal uneventful life and everything
else in between. I speak Engrish for the most part. So if you're a judging close minded asshole or
excessively annoying grammar nazi - fuck you, shut up and go away. This is my place, my rules. Keep
your shoes on.
 
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Friday, October 18, 2013 @ 12:29 PM
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 Love is so short, but forgetting is so long. I gave him what he wanted— To disappear from his life. Are you happy? Happier? Relieved of me burdening you? I’ve been tortured enough growing up and I’m not strong enough to take even more extensive heartbreak and pain for the next half a year with no signs of progress on your side or intentions of you trying too. The way things have been lately just entirely sunk my heart to the ground. You said it’s for my own good at first, but that isn’t the case as I continuously explain to blind ears. Now it’s just because of how I am negative. I’ve always been a cynic from the very beginning, what have changed? The extent of what remains of your love for me couldn’t overlook it anymore like before as we had made each other exceptions all along, but all of the sudden, everything I do is wrong or flawed. I told you I was broken and cynical from the start. Why did you bother if you were going to just do this? You broke me more than ever.
I forced myself to be invisible and a ghost of your past as you moved on from our childhood crush and loved other girls previous to me. That itself was hell for me even though you were unaware of it all these years I lingered. Now it’s even harder after we found each other and I loved you more than myself, more than anything or anyone. But this is all it’s come to… I put what remained in me on this and lost. I thought you would be capable of loving me even if I can’t love myself, to love me in my place, but I was wrong. But I love you; I was capable of loving you and even my psychiatrist found that shocking for someone as broken as me. I don’t think I’ll ever be capable or trust and be entirely vulnerable again.
I've been holding everything in since it happened. It felt like a couple hundred years has gone by as each it eats away at me each and every second of the day. I haven’t left my room for a couple of weeks because this emptiness is killing me. In some ways the pain feels like a sickness to me, where I’m bed bound but sobbing everyday until I eventually fall asleep in the morning for a couple of hours if I'm lucky, otherwise I'm up for days to a breaking point. At one point I went around a week without sleep and blacked out on the floor. I made the mistake of trying to apologize to my mom while it was happening. My car got booted and the release fee was around $700. I am adding negatives to my non-existent income sigh. And I got the usual mental abuse afterwards because of the fee (but most of the tickets weren’t on my watch…) and the fact that I haven’t left my room in a week like a ghost. I thought I could just apologize so I can try to get to school and do whatever is humanly possible to make up for the time. Instead, I broke down and everything spilled. It was the first time in my life my mom has hugged me while I cried my heart out. I still got the full lecture of being a stupid girl for making him my whole word.
I always thought that’s what true love is; entirely sincere love where you bet all your chips on your significant other and if they love you as much as you do them, they would do the same. I always said I was an all or nothing person. I don’t see a point in frivolous dating a couple dozen people in my life to settle down. I wanted it to be my first and last love, with the last being a happily ever after. Does that only happen in movies? I mean everything else that happened to us the past year is beyond cinematic, yet our ending distanced and one sided unlike the movies where the guy comes around and realizes he doesn’t want to live everyday without the love of his life. That he wants to be by your side for the rest of his life, he want to eat together, talk together, sleep together, be together.
Once upon a time he told me all the same things and he was always good at saying pretty words— I love you. I want to be the one to help put you back together and make you happy again. I don’t care if you’re broken; I still love you. You’re the ideal one, Even with your flaws you’re perfect to me, I have no doubt that I want to make you mines forever, I want a future with you, I’ll never give up on you, I’ll always fight for you even if it means I have to fly instantly there the minute you fall for someone else I’d make you mines again. There won’t be any other girl after because you’re the last person I’m going to love because you’re mines. You won't do our things with another girl, or say the same things, will you? Because all the pretty words you got me to believe in naively were only words in the end. The promises turned into lies. I was so delusional and I was scare at first. Will any of our promises really happen? Every time I see you, I fall in love with you all over like it's the first time we met, and each day the amount only increases each moment going by and so, you eventually got me to believe in all your words. Why didn't you stop me? Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much if you didn’t encourage me to let go and love you entirely. Just like I wanted to be asphyxiated by your love. Now it's all a burden to you. I noticed the signs and experienced your rejection to who I am gradually but I always thought we were above all that. That you wouldn't think less of me because of who I am, because I never thought any less of you no matter what you do. Even when you make me feel like shit, I can never really hate you or belittle you.
The previous day I got an email with your usual I love you, the next day, you wanted nothing to do with me because it’s too hard for you? I think what kills me is that I agreed to change myself for you but it’s still not good enough because you manage to find any word I say as me being me. People only see what they want to see sometimes and selectively make that their reality and are so convinced they can't see the whole puzzle. I don't think anything I could say will be right for you anymore because somehow you manage to nitpick some tiny detail and magnify it as me being the usual me and not changing or trying at all. I'm no saint, but I really am trying my best. You just don't want to see it or believe it. I’ve always been a cynic and I’ve always hated myself, but can’t you believe and love me in my place until I can get to a place or moment in my life where I don’t hate myself. You already knew that coming in, and it only broke me more. People forget the person they fell in love with in the first place so often. Resentment starts piling up after the chase is done and slowly people will forget the amazing person they fell in love with in the first place because that person has sacrificed everything to be with you all that time and over time, they become nothing but an ordinary person. It’s sad really because suddenly the person that you say is your ideal becomes what you hate. I don’t think love goes with the way you treated me. If you really love someone why would you want them to continuously suffer? To act like they are no one, reply once a day or every other day. Refuse to pick up any calls and hanging up whenever you want.
“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”
You can easily change and get over something, but I can't. I can't change my mind easily, but when I do, I don't easily go back. You're different from me. That's what makes me even more scared and angry. Ever since we met you've never put anyone ahead of me. You even turn down people who you could've hung out with as friends to stay with me. You didn't even do or make most of your exceptions for any girl or person besides me. You always stayed by my side whenever I needed you. You forgave me and accepted me regardless of what I am or did. You always placed me first, but now you think I expect too much out of you, right? A lot has changed. I can't trust you anymore. Breaking up has always been easy for you, hasn't it?
I only wish you could have been more considerate. I know you think the flaw is all me for being me or the way I am, but on a broader spectrum of this tragedy, instead of staying by me side to support me and support me as I've agreed to change and that I do want to become a better person for you; I’ve just been thrown to the curb to fend for myself as you shut down every door in a hurry. You're just running away. That’s why I’m pathetic for still loving and not letting go even though I felt wronged and hurt beyond what you know. As if I’m clinging onto your feet as you walk out on me without looking back, then kicking me off. Then kick me a few more times as I'm down. Was that the extent of your love you claim still exist? Don't treat me like this just because I love you, because all those things you did and treated me as are what you do to people you hate. Did you ever wonder why I hurt myself? It was because I felt hurt, every time someone I love hurts me, I take it out on myself instead of the person I love. The more I'm hurt, the more I'll take it out on myself. Its how I naturally am. I wont punch the walls and try to break everything or any of that. So I take the fall, but you were so instantly preoccupied with yourself instead every single time and act like I'm repulsive instead of just comforting me. The pain of the flesh is nothing compared to the pain of the soul. I agreed to stop my self destructive behavior as you said thats the biggest thing but it wasn't enough for you.
I wasn’t worth that much to you after all. If I was the only one you loved so deeply why are you doing this over the phone? I thought if I meant so much to you, I would at least merit you seeing me and discussing this in person, even if I had to be the one to come as we see each other one last time as a righteous farewell. Even if it might be hurtful and heartbreaking, we owe it to each other. Instead you say you refuse to see me and continued being petty and selfish by hanging up, leaving me hanging for days or ignoring everything just because you know that’s the only means of me contacting you from across the country while I’m back in NYC. You said you’d never let me go and would fight for me no matter what, in the end, I was the only one fighting for the both of us. But I realized none of it really didn’t mean much after all that’s done and said because of how cowardly you were breaking up and running away the way you did. I thought you’d cherish me as much as I do you after all we’ve been through but I was wrong. Love is not a competition, but I'm winning. But sadly in this, the winner is actually the one losing it all.
In reality, people are very calculating of everything, even in relationships. I don't want that, its so tiring to play mind games in relationships. I hate it and I hate seeing it or the idea of it. Maybe thats why the only results I'll get from relationships is heartbreak, because I take it too sincerely to the heart when people see relationships as a come and go thing. It's really annoying being told that it happens, I was just not smart enough to play it my way. Should I say sorry I was being too sincere in a relationship and I don't take love frivolously? Should I apologize for being sincere? Maybe just to myself. I am more foolish than I want to believe I am. Also to be told that in life you'll have many relationships before finding someone to settle down with. No shit, it's not that I'm oblivious to all of that, it's just that I find all of that very belittling to love and myself. Or the love people throw around so easily and I don't want to do that. I really can't be bothered, thats why I was never really interested in meeting people or looking for someone. What happens happens and I only took one chance with the person I thought was the one and I was too idealistic in my mind to think that someone will really accept me for all that I am. Love is a foolish thing and love is childish by nature. So even when I'm so sure I'm immune to many things by now, it gets to me eventually.
You never even tried.
Yet none of this means I hate him, I'm just really disappointed and feel betrayed beyond what I thought was possible. And theres nothing I can do but wait for it to fade away with time. To dull it all out someday. Labels: alone, bad day, breaking everything, depressed, falling, frustration, health, hurt, i don't fucking know., letting go, lies, life, lost, love, memories, mistakes, reflections, relationships, sad, tired 0 Comments:
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