I write here for myself to keep my thoughts organized about my personal uneventful life and everything
else in between. I speak Engrish for the most part. So if you're a judging close minded asshole or
excessively annoying grammar nazi - fuck you, shut up and go away. This is my place, my rules. Keep
your shoes on.
 
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Monday, January 9, 2017 @ 11:54 PM
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Living a reckless life is a way to abuse yourself.
It's worse than committing suicide.
It's like killing yourself slowly.
All abuse can become amusing in its own way.
Somewhere deep inside my heart
I ask myself how long I'm going to keep this life up.
Although I've been forsaken
I wondered how long it will take to be completely disowned.
It's already happening...
Maybe today's the day or maybe tomorrow.
Labels: alone, bad habits, cynic, depression, falling, i don't fucking know., life, self destructive, tired Friday, October 18, 2013 @ 12:29 PM
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 Love is so short, but forgetting is so long. I gave him what he wanted— To disappear from his life. Are you happy? Happier? Relieved of me burdening you? I’ve been tortured enough growing up and I’m not strong enough to take even more extensive heartbreak and pain for the next half a year with no signs of progress on your side or intentions of you trying too. The way things have been lately just entirely sunk my heart to the ground. You said it’s for my own good at first, but that isn’t the case as I continuously explain to blind ears. Now it’s just because of how I am negative. I’ve always been a cynic from the very beginning, what have changed? The extent of what remains of your love for me couldn’t overlook it anymore like before as we had made each other exceptions all along, but all of the sudden, everything I do is wrong or flawed. I told you I was broken and cynical from the start. Why did you bother if you were going to just do this? You broke me more than ever.
I forced myself to be invisible and a ghost of your past as you moved on from our childhood crush and loved other girls previous to me. That itself was hell for me even though you were unaware of it all these years I lingered. Now it’s even harder after we found each other and I loved you more than myself, more than anything or anyone. But this is all it’s come to… I put what remained in me on this and lost. I thought you would be capable of loving me even if I can’t love myself, to love me in my place, but I was wrong. But I love you; I was capable of loving you and even my psychiatrist found that shocking for someone as broken as me. I don’t think I’ll ever be capable or trust and be entirely vulnerable again.
I've been holding everything in since it happened. It felt like a couple hundred years has gone by as each it eats away at me each and every second of the day. I haven’t left my room for a couple of weeks because this emptiness is killing me. In some ways the pain feels like a sickness to me, where I’m bed bound but sobbing everyday until I eventually fall asleep in the morning for a couple of hours if I'm lucky, otherwise I'm up for days to a breaking point. At one point I went around a week without sleep and blacked out on the floor. I made the mistake of trying to apologize to my mom while it was happening. My car got booted and the release fee was around $700. I am adding negatives to my non-existent income sigh. And I got the usual mental abuse afterwards because of the fee (but most of the tickets weren’t on my watch…) and the fact that I haven’t left my room in a week like a ghost. I thought I could just apologize so I can try to get to school and do whatever is humanly possible to make up for the time. Instead, I broke down and everything spilled. It was the first time in my life my mom has hugged me while I cried my heart out. I still got the full lecture of being a stupid girl for making him my whole word.
I always thought that’s what true love is; entirely sincere love where you bet all your chips on your significant other and if they love you as much as you do them, they would do the same. I always said I was an all or nothing person. I don’t see a point in frivolous dating a couple dozen people in my life to settle down. I wanted it to be my first and last love, with the last being a happily ever after. Does that only happen in movies? I mean everything else that happened to us the past year is beyond cinematic, yet our ending distanced and one sided unlike the movies where the guy comes around and realizes he doesn’t want to live everyday without the love of his life. That he wants to be by your side for the rest of his life, he want to eat together, talk together, sleep together, be together.
Once upon a time he told me all the same things and he was always good at saying pretty words— I love you. I want to be the one to help put you back together and make you happy again. I don’t care if you’re broken; I still love you. You’re the ideal one, Even with your flaws you’re perfect to me, I have no doubt that I want to make you mines forever, I want a future with you, I’ll never give up on you, I’ll always fight for you even if it means I have to fly instantly there the minute you fall for someone else I’d make you mines again. There won’t be any other girl after because you’re the last person I’m going to love because you’re mines. You won't do our things with another girl, or say the same things, will you? Because all the pretty words you got me to believe in naively were only words in the end. The promises turned into lies. I was so delusional and I was scare at first. Will any of our promises really happen? Every time I see you, I fall in love with you all over like it's the first time we met, and each day the amount only increases each moment going by and so, you eventually got me to believe in all your words. Why didn't you stop me? Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much if you didn’t encourage me to let go and love you entirely. Just like I wanted to be asphyxiated by your love. Now it's all a burden to you. I noticed the signs and experienced your rejection to who I am gradually but I always thought we were above all that. That you wouldn't think less of me because of who I am, because I never thought any less of you no matter what you do. Even when you make me feel like shit, I can never really hate you or belittle you.
The previous day I got an email with your usual I love you, the next day, you wanted nothing to do with me because it’s too hard for you? I think what kills me is that I agreed to change myself for you but it’s still not good enough because you manage to find any word I say as me being me. People only see what they want to see sometimes and selectively make that their reality and are so convinced they can't see the whole puzzle. I don't think anything I could say will be right for you anymore because somehow you manage to nitpick some tiny detail and magnify it as me being the usual me and not changing or trying at all. I'm no saint, but I really am trying my best. You just don't want to see it or believe it. I’ve always been a cynic and I’ve always hated myself, but can’t you believe and love me in my place until I can get to a place or moment in my life where I don’t hate myself. You already knew that coming in, and it only broke me more. People forget the person they fell in love with in the first place so often. Resentment starts piling up after the chase is done and slowly people will forget the amazing person they fell in love with in the first place because that person has sacrificed everything to be with you all that time and over time, they become nothing but an ordinary person. It’s sad really because suddenly the person that you say is your ideal becomes what you hate. I don’t think love goes with the way you treated me. If you really love someone why would you want them to continuously suffer? To act like they are no one, reply once a day or every other day. Refuse to pick up any calls and hanging up whenever you want.
“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”
You can easily change and get over something, but I can't. I can't change my mind easily, but when I do, I don't easily go back. You're different from me. That's what makes me even more scared and angry. Ever since we met you've never put anyone ahead of me. You even turn down people who you could've hung out with as friends to stay with me. You didn't even do or make most of your exceptions for any girl or person besides me. You always stayed by my side whenever I needed you. You forgave me and accepted me regardless of what I am or did. You always placed me first, but now you think I expect too much out of you, right? A lot has changed. I can't trust you anymore. Breaking up has always been easy for you, hasn't it?
I only wish you could have been more considerate. I know you think the flaw is all me for being me or the way I am, but on a broader spectrum of this tragedy, instead of staying by me side to support me and support me as I've agreed to change and that I do want to become a better person for you; I’ve just been thrown to the curb to fend for myself as you shut down every door in a hurry. You're just running away. That’s why I’m pathetic for still loving and not letting go even though I felt wronged and hurt beyond what you know. As if I’m clinging onto your feet as you walk out on me without looking back, then kicking me off. Then kick me a few more times as I'm down. Was that the extent of your love you claim still exist? Don't treat me like this just because I love you, because all those things you did and treated me as are what you do to people you hate. Did you ever wonder why I hurt myself? It was because I felt hurt, every time someone I love hurts me, I take it out on myself instead of the person I love. The more I'm hurt, the more I'll take it out on myself. Its how I naturally am. I wont punch the walls and try to break everything or any of that. So I take the fall, but you were so instantly preoccupied with yourself instead every single time and act like I'm repulsive instead of just comforting me. The pain of the flesh is nothing compared to the pain of the soul. I agreed to stop my self destructive behavior as you said thats the biggest thing but it wasn't enough for you.
I wasn’t worth that much to you after all. If I was the only one you loved so deeply why are you doing this over the phone? I thought if I meant so much to you, I would at least merit you seeing me and discussing this in person, even if I had to be the one to come as we see each other one last time as a righteous farewell. Even if it might be hurtful and heartbreaking, we owe it to each other. Instead you say you refuse to see me and continued being petty and selfish by hanging up, leaving me hanging for days or ignoring everything just because you know that’s the only means of me contacting you from across the country while I’m back in NYC. You said you’d never let me go and would fight for me no matter what, in the end, I was the only one fighting for the both of us. But I realized none of it really didn’t mean much after all that’s done and said because of how cowardly you were breaking up and running away the way you did. I thought you’d cherish me as much as I do you after all we’ve been through but I was wrong. Love is not a competition, but I'm winning. But sadly in this, the winner is actually the one losing it all.
In reality, people are very calculating of everything, even in relationships. I don't want that, its so tiring to play mind games in relationships. I hate it and I hate seeing it or the idea of it. Maybe thats why the only results I'll get from relationships is heartbreak, because I take it too sincerely to the heart when people see relationships as a come and go thing. It's really annoying being told that it happens, I was just not smart enough to play it my way. Should I say sorry I was being too sincere in a relationship and I don't take love frivolously? Should I apologize for being sincere? Maybe just to myself. I am more foolish than I want to believe I am. Also to be told that in life you'll have many relationships before finding someone to settle down with. No shit, it's not that I'm oblivious to all of that, it's just that I find all of that very belittling to love and myself. Or the love people throw around so easily and I don't want to do that. I really can't be bothered, thats why I was never really interested in meeting people or looking for someone. What happens happens and I only took one chance with the person I thought was the one and I was too idealistic in my mind to think that someone will really accept me for all that I am. Love is a foolish thing and love is childish by nature. So even when I'm so sure I'm immune to many things by now, it gets to me eventually.
You never even tried.
Yet none of this means I hate him, I'm just really disappointed and feel betrayed beyond what I thought was possible. And theres nothing I can do but wait for it to fade away with time. To dull it all out someday. Labels: alone, bad day, breaking everything, depressed, falling, frustration, health, hurt, i don't fucking know., letting go, lies, life, lost, love, memories, mistakes, reflections, relationships, sad, tired Sunday, September 29, 2013 @ 9:14 PM
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“here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.” Its been a battle just trying to get some time on the phone with him and every time I finally do get permission which is rather said because otherwise without it, all my calls are ignored. The entire phone call just starts with hostility. I don't know where it is coming from, it only makes me think you hate me now. Theres no more exceptions. But even towards are stranger you aren't so harsh. Thats why I can't hold back the tears, hearing your hatred and annoyance in your voice simply because you have to take my phone call is very disheartening. Every word pierces like a needle with your anger and tone. Theres not the slightest tone of remorse of a lost love or that I was loved at all. Usually I don't put up with people who treat me like shit, but time and time again I try to get across to you facing your anger. You don't even realize I'm already changing all my standards and self respect for you. You think you can hear it by tone or life decisions, but you'll never really know all of it. I'm willing to take all the hits as long as I get to stay a part of your life, even if its an insignificant part out of pity. We say we're going to take some time off; I know for sure I'll never love anyone like I do you, but you already brought up the part of moving on to new people who makes us happier. I thought I made you happy or you loved me for the way I made you feel. So if you're actively looking for a new love while I;n loyally waiting for yours, what do I do then? Winter break, spring break, all of it is still not enough time for you. When is there enough time? I don't want to be led on with illusions of a second chance and left even more broken.  I can see you deleting me from all the parts of your life already. So I erased myself from face book entirely. I only wrote and updated about us to begin with. I have no use for it anymore. Have you realized your life is a lot simpler and happier without me existing in your world? I don't see any reason otherwise to your constant harsh tone filled with discontent and annoyance. There was a time when you wanted me to talk to you and make my whole world about you. Now that it is, my whole world is falling apart. I gave you everything I had mentally and physically. but the happiness I thought we had wasn't enough to keep you here. I feel like such a fool. Stupid Stupid girl. I always feel for your pretty words and you can lie to me and deceive me and I'll probably still fall for it anyway because I've given up all my self respect to make you happy. You never realized it or acknowledge it. Or else we wouldn't be at this point where you're telling me I am poison and will never change. I've changed so much more than you know inside and out in order to please you. I'm just a foolish girl in the end. I gave you myself and now it feels like you threw my heart on the pavement, stepped all over it, and backed up your car a few times over it. “But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
When did I mean so little that you can discard me just like that at first without even a thought of trying. Am I the only one whose stupid and refuse to let go because I believe we owe it to ourselves to give it a try? If you're actively looking for a new love that will please you mentally and physically in all the ways you want without speaking back to you, I'll still wait in the background. I've waiting for 8 years watching you love and live your life with someone else in silence. Its selfish to only want someone who never speaks back and is best for you because they treat you well and need you. Its all about your satisfaction. But what about the other person? will you love them simply because they are like your pet and obey you in every sense? You love them because they love you? Or would you rather love someone not out of selfishness but truly love someone because they are the amazing person you always thought them to be, even if they aren't what you need from a relationship thats all about you. You were hurt and made a huge deal when I broke several promises, but you broke every single promise you made to me since day one doing this and I can still find it in my heart to forgive you. But I'm still holding onto your promises. You're a man of your word right? then stop taking the easy way out like I'm so disposing whore.who means nothing so you can brush off and trash me anytime. If you love someone fight for them if you don't even put up a struggle and fight, that only tells the world, yourself and me that person didn't mean much to you to begin with. Its frustrating no matter how you try to justify your actions. And most of all, it hurts. It pains me to every part of me to see thats all I was worth.  Despite everything, It's only about what you believe to be true and the correct approach. Just you and your stubborn believes that your words and thoughts are absolute. Are you not capable of mistakes? Are you god? Is it only your way or the highway?Either way it feels like I'm getting run over and trampled by things flying by me. So why don't you just pull the trigger because I'm slowly dying by your hands and relentless beliefs in your own point of view. I'm willing to compromise everything and to try everything, but why is it that you can just stomp around in anger without doing your part of what we need to improve. It's not just all me, so please stop treating me like shit every time I try to get through to you and have a solid understand on both sides. The way you act and behave. The way you constantly try to get away and hang up. It'd all so harsh, do you see or hear yourself? I do. But I still love you. I never said I was smart but everything you've done to me and got me to believe has opened up a pandora's box I can't close. And it's all for you. Ive chanced a lot more than you recognize over all this time, you're just blinded by whatever it is you want to call how you treat me to acknowledge any of it.  Either way, I'm waiting for you and my voice never to reach you changes into a sad song. I think for now, I'll just bury myself with school since I'm literally all alone. Theres no one reaching out to me and there is no longer anyone I can reach out to for help and support anymore. I feel like I have zero friends and nobody in my life as always. But its nothing new. I'll just pretend I woke up from a really long dream and I'm back to where I was. No matter how much suffering I went through I never want to let go of these memories. As long as you remember me, I don't care of everyone else forgets.
Labels: alone, apathetic, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., lost, relationships, sad, self-esteem, sorrow, tired, truths Friday, September 27, 2013 @ 4:31 AM
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  Couldn't make it to class today with everything thats going on taking my insomnia to a whole new level. I find myself constantly dizzy and tired. Plus I really need to get my eyes checked. All the strain I put on my eyes all day is starting to add up to massive headaches. I keep waking up after a couple of hours of sleep and can't seem to stay asleep for one straight night.  I just want to crawl into a comfy bed and never have to wake up again but then again I'd be a total disappointment and failure. I guess I should at least make it to repay my mother for putting a roof over my head even though life have been total shit under that same roof.. If I were in a vegetative state, I might as well be dead. Just another useless thing taking up space on earth wasting oxygen. I think thats why counselors, therapists and all professions that are somewhere along that line take the whole sometimes I just want to fall asleep and never have to wake up as a red light for someone being suicidal. Honestly, I'm pretty sure I go through a whole series of suicidal thoughts every day but it doesn't mean I'll go through with it... It just means I'm worn out and life is tiresome and sometimes it might really be easier to take the easy way out. But nothing worth having in life comes easy. Just like my own fairytale relationship. The foundation of it has been shaken up lately and I think both of us being so alike are terrified of getting hurt and being vulnerable. But he's amazing and the only one I want. What we have is so much more than everything because our love triumphs over it. So even if I get hurt and I'm hurting, I'll fight for you. I may have given up on myself over a decade ago, but I'll never give up on you. So please don't give up on me the way I did to myself. We need each other in that sense. If you really love someone fight for them, never let go.  Being OCD and constantly worrying and obsessing is really taking a toll on me. I feel like I aged triple my age since last week. I'm always exhausted and constantly fatigue even though it's not like I ran a marathon or anything. I'm literally driving myself to the edge of exhaustion physically because I'm mentally fucked up...I'm passing out or randomly nodding off again as I type so I'm probably going to call it a day. Another day gone, another day to count then another and another. Sigh. I miss you so much love. I wonder if you're having as hard of a time adjusting as I do. Ir maybe you're relieved of a shit ton of burden because I'm no longer around. Either way, I'm waiting for you so I hope you can see that we really do have something special between us that keeps us together. The universe brought us together and finally gave us the chance after a decade, don't be the one to give up so easily after all our history and silent wishes and prayers for each other. And now we finally have each other. My posts probably aren't making much sense lately because I refuse to review or read over what I've written because I know I'll delete everything reading myself whining and bitching about every other thing. The grammar or spelling and etc has probably been abysmal also, but I hate reviewing - no spelling or grammar check either. I really can't stand myself consciously and I annoy myself a lot of the times. I think there are moments when I'm speaking to someone or in groups and I pause and think goddamn I'm so fucking annoying, can someone please take over the fucking conversation please.... in my head. Then I proceed to forget what the hell I'm talking about in the first place. This is why it's easier to just rant to no one but a blog.... It doesn't gets its feelings hurt and I don't have to worry about what I say or pre-filter everything I write first in my head before just pouring it all out in its raw tangled up way it runs in my mind. Ok, I'm really tired. I just face planted while writing that last paragraph and woke up randomly at 3am, finished the rest of it, even though I can't see what I'm writing and now back to trying to sleep... Labels: i miss you, insanity, lost, love, quotes, rant, relationships, self-esteem, smoking, sorry, stuck, tired Tuesday, September 24, 2013 @ 10:39 PM
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I know I'm getting annoyingly repetitive with all the "I miss you/him" but theres no other way to say it. Quite frankly, even if I said it a billion more times, it would still not amount to the depth and how much I really do miss him. Its beyond anything imaginable or describable. Maybe I'm scary but when I fall so deeply, I can't help it. He's my addiction and there's no cure but the moments I get to see him and even then, I still can't get enough. I never get sick of us and if anything I just want more and more, like as if I'm falling in love all over again each and everyday especially when we are together.
I've been smoking way too much lately due to the stress of school, debts, tuition and relationship matters in addition to the extra constant worrying and anticipation. I've been trying Newport Menthol Gold 100s and they're actually pretty good. I usually don't like menthol too much and I'm not a frequent fan of Newport but this blend kinda works. The menthol is very light while the tobacco is really smooth but I can still feel the strong side. It gives the same kick as most stronger cigarettes without the harshness or horrible aftertaste. Anyway, random review aside, I can really feel it taking a toll on my lungs and body but I can't stop. I wish things were different in a sense that things can be ok again. None of my anti anxiety medicine is holding me down from all this drama lately. I can't fall asleep even with my sleep medicine. It's hell all over again and I just want it to stop and be happy with the person I love.
 Today has been yet another one of those days. Everyday is exactly the same but increasingly worst the longer we not only have to be apart but we can't even talk. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him... I hope this time apart will give him time to realize we need each other in so many different ways. More than anything in the world. Are you having the same hard time I am having without you in my daily life? Since he was the one who requested so much time to think about it, I'm not sure if I'm really missed or needed as much as I do him. But I'm hurting for us, I need our love and I need him. All I can do is look through our pictures and read all his letters, notes and reminders which probably isn't the best thing to do, but it's the only thing helping me cope. Every word and memory I cling onto preciously only reminds me more of how we are infinite. This time away isn't clearing my mind one bit, it's only making it worst for me. But I guess I'm just the person who just needs to address the issue at hand at the moment as soon as possible with the best results so we can both feel at ease and loved again. Pulling it on or on hold really kills me but theres nothing I can do but count the seconds to the minutes to the hours to the days. Really I can't believe it's only day two and it felt like two months instead. All I can feel or think of is the constant longing to hear his soothing voice once again in a loving tone and that everything is going to be okay. Please let it be okay.  I couldn't sleep again last night until around 6am in the morning then I woke up again and it was already close to 10. My classes already started and theres really no class Im in a hurry to, one of my classes is already having it's first quiz tomorrow and I'm going to miss it because I think the professor drops the lowest grade so I'll take the hit for that being my dropped grade and do well on the rest of the misterms and finals to make up for it. Theres still many quizzes to come that only make up a small percentage of the grade. Compromise has been the only way I've been getting through school and I really need ot finish for the few people I care about in life so we can keep moving forward. I've gotten two tickets in the last day and night for an expired registration sticker. These stupid meter maids really have nothing better to do but make all their money giving out tickets for every little shit here. It's like they have a quota or a competition for who gives out the most parkings tickets gets to be the uniform of the month. Assholes. Well, I've been running errands all night to fix up the registration and whatnot. I can't even see in the dark anymore, driving in the dark is like blind driving to me, I strain to see all the shadows and just follow the blurry lights by colors ahead of me. I see nothing. I really need to get my eyes checked to get an updated diagnoses on what degree what eyes are at and maybe try to fix it when I'm not entirely broke. Well, heres to the extra headache I get from straining my eyes constantly to see anything. Just add it to this whole everything hurts thing I have going on most of the time.  Well it's 1am now and I've been up since got knows when, running on a couple of hours of sleep. I can actually feel myself blacking out as I type and I keep typing while half asleep although I have no idea what I'm talking about or I don't make any sense at all. Although all thats on my mind is still us and how everything should be okay again, I need to try to pass out so maybe I'll have a chance at actually hearing all 8 of my alarms when they go off before I need to get ready to leave for class. The exhaustion tends to build up sometimes and when I finally sleep, it's like I go into a coma and don't respond or hear anything. It's not something I want as a regular part of my life and theres on'y so little I can try to do to prevent it from being a norm that would eventually fuck up school for me again. I don't know how he does it, but sometimes he's like superman when I know and see all that he does for me, work and everything else in his life. I can see how I must have been so much extra work and another source of unwanted extra exhaustion in addition to the long days and constant lack of sleep. Meanwhile on the other hand all I wanted was to see more of him. Theres always two sides to the story but regardless, I'm sorry love. I know it must be tough to keep up or put up with me while working your ass off. I'm always forever grateful, I just missed you too much it got to my head sometimes from sitting at home all day awaiting your return as the sole purpose of my everyday life and routine I just want to become what you became to me. For you and between us, because you make me want to become a better person because I see so much greatness and good qualities in you and so I want to become all that for you too. The days have been sad and weeping to crying historically has been the same new routine I want to break. But I need him to break it with and for me. So we can keep moving forward like we always have and just our presence to each other is enough to make the other happy with this indescribable feeling of warmth, safety and love flowing from one to another. I miss our moments. But most of all, I miss you... Labels: alone, bad days, breaking everything, communication, depressed, dull, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i miss you, insomnia, miserable, mistakes, relationships, sad, smoking, sorry, stuck, tired Monday, June 4, 2012 @ 4:06 AM
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 I'm dazed out and half intoxicated. There's blood everywhere... dripping down onto my clothes, thighs, arms, floor... I don't know what happened...what the fuck is wrong with me. “I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.” —Charlie Labels: bad habits, drinking, falling, fucked up, health, hurt, i don't fucking know., insomnia, lost, sorry, stuck, tired Thursday, May 31, 2012 @ 1:05 AM
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 I really hate my brain, it never knows when to stop and chill the fuck out. Its like one of those shock horror moments, as if something scary as fuck just suddenly popped up in front of the screen during some horror film, except this time it's in my head. I'm not quite sure how to explain the dynamics of it, a conscious nightmare of an epiphany? Had a sudden panic attack and was overwhelmed with fear simply because I couldn't stop worrying about not knowing what the hell I'm doing and how do I go about things when everything seems so fragile that anything wrong will shatter everything. I don't make any sense... Anyway...so wall of text. tldr version: ...I actually don't know how to summarize the mess that was the entire spring term. Just don't read. It seems like a lot yet not much has change since I disappeared. I finally went through with returning back to school after avoiding it for so long. A bit of a milestone in my life since I fell out of the system for way too long now. I'm not sure if it was because I had no motivation, goals or if I was just avoiding it ever since everything landslid from the moment I stopped trying but I'm doing things to fill up the days now. I started again this Spring term that started February. It really is hard to go back once you take so much time off. I was working on and off for the past few years with no meaning to it at all. The entire semester has been nothing but brutal. It all started with my late paperwork and registration. There was a lot of complications with my GPA because of my transfers and time away from school so I needed to work on rebuilding it again before I can transfer out. Since I registered late, I was pretty much fucked. All the courses I needed to take had no open seats. I just told them to register me for whatever was available that's actually part of the requirements. I always get screwed over when I leave important things in someone else's hands but in this case it's not like I had much choice either way. I ended up with a nightmare of a schedule where I had 1-4 hour breaks everyday. I was on campus 28 hours a week with 30% of that time just waiting for my next class. I must have been told or asked a million times why I don't make the most out of my breaks and do homework or study during them. I couldn't help but think why people waste time asking such useless questions... don't you think I fucking would if I could? Who chooses to make shit harder for themselves? Sitting around while caving into my mind for hours every day isn't exactly a blast for me either. It'd make my life so much easier if I could be time efficient and just do it, maybe if I didn't have anxiety problems and I can't concentrate at all.
random pictures I took on campus during my torturous breaks...
   I was still working nights throughout the weekends during the term but I was falling apart all over the place. I need a lot of down time but I ended up schooling or working 7 days a week, without a single day off. (thus the lack of updates, I didn't have time for anything, much less time to bitch about it in writing) It was suffocating and my tolerance was just withering. The exhaustion was kicking in and the desperation was becoming pathetic. Somehow I was passing all the quizzes, midterms and papers even though I missed a lot of material or did it mostly by last minute cramming, but still my attendance (lateness) and homework was horrible which will ultimately effect my final GPA. I was late every single day for my morning class, I'm surprise the professor didn't just entirely drop me from his class since its part of the attendance policy. I actually tried to go to class or make an effort to show up even if I was late unlike before. I have a tendency of avoiding confrontation with just about everything, so if I was late, I wouldn't even bother showing up at all because I would feel so disappointed in myself and ashamed. I actually felt guilty because I miss almost half of his class everyday to a point where I just wrote to him clarifying its nothing personal with the class itself or him, it was mostly due to the time and my brutal schedule. I have a really difficult time getting up early, especially since I was running on about 2-3 hours of sleep on a normal basis. I was making an honest effort to attend class because I based everything off his lectures since I don't study well from textbooks. The professor is actually really interesting and I never liked any history or politics prior to this. Call me crazy, but I'm actually looking forward to taking one of his politics class just as an elective in the fall because this guy is so brilliant. Most of my professors except one apparently loves to give a shit ton of assignments that really serves no purpose other than being a massive time sink. The way they run things seems like they just assume all the students don't have any other responsibilities other than being a student. I couldn't keep up with all the frivolous chapter quizzes and readings simply because I don't have the time, not because they're difficult. I just stopped doing them all together and focused more on major assignments that actually weights a large percentage of the final grade; it was just a compromise that had to be made. It's odd that all my professors somehow remembers me even though I never talk and some of the classes are huge. I kinda just try to stay invisible, get in and get out. At some point, got stopped by a few of my professors asking about why I wasn't doing any of the textbook assignments. I tend to be brutally honest sometimes, all I could say is I didn't want to bullshit about it and I understand an excuse is still an excuse but it's just part of the compromises I have to make and to not take it personally. They were surprisingly understanding about it. I guess some people appreciate when someone is just straightforward. Excuses gets old fast.
from some time during the earlier in the semester when it was still cold...
I wasn't sleeping much = pissed off and tired all the time.
 I guess that pretty sums up how my entire semester has been like- just a brutal grind. The term still isn't over, finals week is next week. I have a week off, I guess they do that so they can get all their shit together with creating the finals and paperwork while giving us some time to study. So yeah, I'm suppose to be studying, I have a lot of material to cover with reviewing and trying to memorize things in a robotic way. It's been six days and I haven't even started. Time seems to go by way to fast when I actually have days off, mostly because I take the time to catch up on everything I've been putting off when I didn't have time to do it like errands, cleaning, breathing and whatnot. I came back to this post throughout the course of the day and I still can't finish it...so fuck it. A lot happened in between school but I'm tired and it's getting late. So maybe I'll get into it later. It doesn't help that I dread writing now thanks to all the papers and reminders of how I can't write eloquently for the life of me. Labels: bad days, procrastination, schedule, school, tired, wasting time, work Thursday, December 15, 2011 @ 4:24 AM
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So in fact, it does take a lot of mentality and willpower to tell your body to just shut the fuck up, ignore the foot pain and keep going, you're getting paid for this. After my shift I usually get home between 12-1:30am. For workplace2 the closing time is suppose to be 11:30pm, but there's always that last table that can't seem to catch the clue that we're fucking closing and so stop taking your sweet ass time. We can't start closing and cleaning the dining room until every customer is out, even if they are in another far off section. Closing itself usually takes another hour because of all the side work and cleaning. Workplace2 tip pools so at the end of the night, we usually have to wait for the manager (the owner's daughter) to settle the sales of the day, cash all credit card tips and then split it along with the cash tips. What really baffles me is why she couldn't start doing that a few hours ahead of time while shes busy playing on her laptop. No, lets wait until last minute after all the employees clean and have everything in place to start calculating at a glacial pace. The female manager has no sense of decency to at least try to be considerate of the overworked servers as she make us wait after our shift ends. Especially since most of us are ready to just collapse somewhere. The kitchen staff and all the chefs leave way before us since they don't have to do closing work. We usually spend at least half a hour just waiting for her to split our tips of the night. In some cases, some of us just say fuck it and go home then pick it up the next shift we work. Sunday night was a nightmare compared to the other nights in terms of waiting for the incompetent manager to settle the sales of the day, I initially wanted to wait after my shift to get my tips of the night since I won't be working at this location until the next Friday, so it's not like other days where I'll be able to pick up my pay the following day. The managers ended up arguing for about 2 hours after we closed about why the cash register was 30 dollars short because the owner took out money earlier and they couldn't identify where the shortage was from in sales. Seriously, bickering for 2 hours over thirty fucking dollars. Apparently they can't just split the tips until that was resolved. My tolerance and patience was way over it's limit that night. I just got up and left, I'll pick it up next week. I just wasted 2 hours after my shift ended waiting for nothing, because it was just another one of those nights where they sport their incompetence. Still, I am getting decent pay for workplace2 but that's mostly due to the fact that we're understaffed and there are only 2-3 actual servers while the rest are in "training". I'm basically doing the runner, server and busser's job myself. Then of course there are the managers who crumble under pressure and start screaming at us over things that aren't part of our responsibilities. There are usually 2-3 managers at workplace2 and they cannot communicate how they want the place to operate. I usually get assigned the booth section so it gets really busy because everyone prefer booth seating and it's by the bar. I was swamped with tables so the guy manager helps me host a table on my section and eventually assign another server to that table in attempt to help take some workload off me, even though it was my section. As the night went on, our sections got mixed up because I was then assigned to watch over half of my co-worker's section along with mines. The female manager comes along and proceeds to yell at me about staying on top of what the customer needs and the tables. Me: That's not my table though They're boyfriend/girlfriend by the way. The guy manager is very chill but the female manager, shes OK when she doesn't talk. When she does, she just comes off as an anal bitch. FM: What are you doing? You need to decorate the desserts. Then she walks out. Great, now I'm a fucking dessert artist as well along with being the runner, busser and waitress. It's hectic because I spend most of my time running between the kitchen and stations to check if the food is out, preparing dessert presentations while taking orders, refills, entering everything into the POS and whatever else the table needs or wants. Then I get yelled at for being in the kitchen too much and not checking the FOH enough, I am checking the dining room but I have to constantly run back to the kitchen. How else am I suppose to know when the fucking food is out? You don't have a runner and the chefs are slow. The owner's wife comes in and ask why am I taking on so many tables if I can't handle it. It's because you're understaffed and I'm doing the job of people you're suppose to hire as part of the kitchen staff. Oh, and the people in training who are suppose to help me, they magically disappear when the night starts to get busy. Granted it's a new restaurant I didn't expect much but in return, the managers shouldn't expect the servers to be superman and fill in for all the people they haven't hired. Also, because it's a new restaurant, we have to tip out the bartender 30% because there aren't enough alcohol sales for him to be tipped solely on that itself. Does that make sense? The bartender plays no part in serving the food or dealing with the customers nor are they breaking their backs running around but they get a percentage of the servers' entire tip pool instead because they don't have enough alcoholic sales yet? Why is that our fucking problem, the management should be compensating the bartender themselves. Then the people in training get 20%, and then the rest is split between the servers. Even between all that, the pay is good but we're busting our asses for it every night. So that was Thursday - Sunday in a nutshell for me. I don't think this will work out long term at all if the managers don't get their act together. I'm usually so bummed out by the time I get home I can barely muster up the willpower to shower and whatnot, much less try to write. It would come out as total nonsense anyway. Well, more nonsense than my usual nonsense. I tend to go into my 'I'm tired, pissed, irritated, frustrated and pretty much in PMS state without the period, so leave me the fuck alone and don't annoy me' phase by the end of the night. Most of my co-workers at workplace2 are all around the same age, with the exception of the bartenders who are in their 30s. The kitchen staff are mostly older as well but all the servers and sushi chefs are in a close age range. During one of our late night chats as we wait for the female manager to split the tip, we were talking about school and majors, somehow the topic of gaming came up and they all seemed to be shocked that I'm actually a gamer (or was). One of my co-workers were trying to convince me to go back to some old games I've played. Turns out, two of the servers and the guy manager are all gamers. We were talking about some games I've played and it was a bit amusing watching them get more shocked as I name games I played or liked, cause in person people usually don't expect me to be into games or still be tomboy in many aspects. The guy manager just laughed and joked "Oh snap, Donna's a nerd!" The FOH staff are mostly very approachable and decent people. At least on the surface they are, so they'll remain good in my books until they give me a reason to think otherwise. (Lesson learned on 2 sided assholes.) The sushi chefs (3 guys) are coming off as pervs to me or something. They're constantly hitting on me when we're not busy or when I ask them for something. One of the days they sent one person from their group to ask for my number while they giggled. What is this? middle school all over again? Then there were the times they invited me to go out with them after work for fun or have a drink. I just told them I'm dead by the end of the shift and I get off really late- so probably not, but maybe another time or day when we're early or actually close early for once. Mostly just to be polite. There are 2 bartenders and the guy bartender keeps telling me to smile randomly when I stand over my tables. GB: Smile more! So I guess when I'm expressionless and just going about doing what I have to do, I naturally look like a bitch. So that was my killer first week, I'm hoping the upcoming week won't be as hectic. I think working with people can sometimes both be amusing and enjoyable. Yes, this is really coming from me. Don't get me wrong, sometimes people are assholes and trying to be polite to them is like pulling teeth. There was a night where there was a party of 16 going on in restaurant and unfortunately I was assigned the section right across from the party. It was really loud and the customers were really irritated but I managed except for this one particular old man who was especially angry. Me: Sir, can I start you off with anything to drink while we prepare your appetizers? Okay, the guy is a war veteran, hes old, hes angry, life sucks, your sense and body is beginning to disappoint you. I understand but seriously, what the fuck? I'm usually very compassionate towards seniors because my first job when I was 14 years old was as an assistant social worker in a senior center. I imagine it must be difficult just to live and miserable for the most part so I usually try to go the extra mile for them. I really tried but this old man was just impossible to work with. I think his brain is checking out on him, please do yourself a favor and stay home; don't dine out and make a jackass out of yourself. Then there was this couple who loves drinking in the same section I was assigned that night. The husband must have had about 6 glasses of Merlot and the wife had 2 bottles of Junmai Ginjo-shu along with specialty rolls and sashimi. They were a very pleasant sociable couple but by the end of the night they were almost too social. The couple was really drunk and the wife kept complementing me, "Oh you're such a pretty girl!", "I adore you". In response, trying to be polite I thanked them and said they're a very compatible couple just like one of those picture perfect couples. That did it. The wife got up "Awwww I want to hug you!" pulled my arm and bear hugged me in front of the entire staff and dining room. Then she proceeds to feel my arm (I have my sleeves rolled up for work) going on about how smooth it is and insist her husband feels my arm too. And he did. It was just awkward and everyone was watching. I don't know if I should have been more embarrassed or confused. Then she grabs the head manager (owner's wife) and tells her "I love the food and service here and I love this girl!!!" The owner just smiled and humored them.They're nice people and were very generous tippers though so I forgive them for the... awkward harassment. Even though it goes to tip pooling, hah. At first the couple spent most of the night asking me about my ethnicity because apparently I don't look entirely Asian, then they spent the rest of the times I came to serve or check up on them guessing which parent of mines must be white or what mix am I. This seems to be a popular topic of discussion with most of my customers since I've started. "You look mix", "You don't really look (entirely) Asian", "What ethnicity are you?" and it goes on. Even most of my co-workers and staff members of both workplace1 and 2 make remarks about it or ask me eventually. It's a bit confusing to me since I don't really see it or think I look different. I also work Monday-Wednesday at workplace1 as another part time job. The pay isn't as great but it isn't as fast pace at workplace2 since it's weekday nights, especially it being the beginning of the week. Nights are generally slow and boring but unlike workplace2, they have a full staff, so I have a runner and busser making my work a bit easier. I have to tip off my support staff from what I make at the end of the night. I honestly don't think this job is a keeper since I'm getting graveyard shifts but since I'm not in class anyway, I may as well pick up the extra shifts. There's not much stress involved with this job nor is it as hectic. I can consider this job as extra pocket money for the time being. Tuesday night I had a very old lady seated alone in my section in workplace1. Seniors tend to have small appetites in most cases. The lady ordered a soup and appetizer. She couldn't even get halfway through the appetizer. I felt so bad for her, she looked so fragile and weathered. Her hands were shaking violently as she tried to drink the soup. I would have fed her if I was allowed. I was worried about how she would manage with drinking the hot tea so I got her a straw for the tea and just kept checking up on her to see if she was okay. When she was ready to leave, I wrapped up her appetizer for her and helped her out of her chair, put her coat on her and wished her a good night. She gave me a hug and said I'm the sweetest waitress. Seniors like this, the extra miles are always worth it. Damn you angry old man from before. Tuesday night just dragged on and then another interesting couple comes in and sits in my section. The wife had a heavy accent she was from the Slovak Republic or something and the husband was American. At first the wife called me over while I was passing by to ask if I was a dancer because I have a good body and look like a dancer, and the usual if I'm mixed thing. I just told her I use to run cross country and that she's giving me too much credit or being polite. (In my head: wtf? I'm a short stub. I wish I had a tall slim dancer body.) The husband started asking me about my age, date of birth, horoscope and zodiac. Apparently he use to do fortune readings as a hobby and side job. So he started having long chats with me as I come to check up on them or pass by the section. I've never done fortune readings in my life. I was basically getting a free one on the job. He mentioned that I should be intuitive about the people around me and follow my intuitions about who is genuine and who has a hidden agenda. He goes on to mentioning that I have good long term memory but I'm not mindful with my short term memory. (lol, correct) That I should be mindful about my stomach because that is my weak body part that is prone to illness. (which is actually spot on) He goes on to telling me somethings general about my horoscope and that most millionaires live under the same sign and other interesting fun facts. He spent the entire evening talking to me while eating 1 entree while his wife munched on appetizers that comes on the house. His bill only came out to be around 12, but he tipped 80%. It was getting late in the night and of course, the usual customers who comes in before closing always has to come. The guy was a regular and knew one of the other servers very well. My co-worker called me over to chat and teased that the guy customer thought I was 17 and to tell him how old I really am. The guy's attitude changed entirely after that, which was a bit odd. We ended up closing a bit late because of this couple but at least they were considerate to pack their food to go after their drinks and eating for a while. They were generous as well. It was just me and the busboy left to do the closing since my shift is suppose to be 5pm-10:30pm. I did most of the side work and by the time we finish sweeping, the busboy just told me to get home safe earlier and he'll do the rest (mopping, closing up). Hes actually only a couple years older than me and way nicer than the other busser. Well, today was my only day off and it's 4:30am. I ramble on too much about trivial things. Time to knock out, early busy day ahead tomorrow. Too tired to proof read at the moment, so grammar nazis: fuck off. Labels: job, tired, waitressing, work
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