You mean you can't take ''less''," said the Hatter: "it's very easy to take ''more'' than nothing. — Alice In Wonderland.

Labels: alice in wonderland, apathetic, bad habits, books, friendships, i don't fucking know., life, perks of being a wallflower, reflections, relationships, wasting time

Labels: alone, bad habits, depression, dull, i don't fucking know., insomnia, wasting time

I really hate my brain, it never knows when to stop and chill the fuck out. Its like one of those shock horror moments, as if something scary as fuck just suddenly popped up in front of the screen during some horror film, except this time it's in my head. I'm not quite sure how to explain the dynamics of it, a conscious nightmare of an epiphany? Had a sudden panic attack and was overwhelmed with fear simply because I couldn't stop worrying about not knowing what the hell I'm doing and how do I go about things when everything seems so fragile that anything wrong will shatter everything. I don't make any sense...

Anyway...so wall of text. tldr version: ...I actually don't know how to summarize the mess that was the entire spring term. Just don't read.

It seems like a lot yet not much has change since I disappeared. I finally went through with returning back to school after avoiding it for so long. A bit of a milestone in my life since I fell out of the system for way too long now. I'm not sure if it was because I had no motivation, goals or if I was just avoiding it ever since everything landslid from the moment I stopped trying but I'm doing things to fill up the days now. I started again this Spring term that started February. It really is hard to go back once you take so much time off. I was working on and off for the past few years with no meaning to it at all. The entire semester has been nothing but brutal. It all started with my late paperwork and registration. There was a lot of complications with my GPA because of my transfers and time away from school so I needed to work on rebuilding it again before I can transfer out.

Since I registered late, I was pretty much fucked. All the courses I needed to take had no open seats. I just told them to register me for whatever was available that's actually part of the requirements. I always get screwed over when I leave important things in someone else's hands but in this case it's not like I had much choice either way. I ended up with a nightmare of a schedule where I had 1-4 hour breaks everyday. I was on campus 28 hours a week with 30% of that time just waiting for my next class. I must have been told or asked a million times why I don't make the most out of my breaks and do homework or study during them. I couldn't help but think why people waste time asking such useless questions... don't you think I fucking would if I could? Who chooses to make shit harder for themselves? Sitting around while caving into my mind for hours every day isn't exactly a blast for me either. It'd make my life so much easier if I could be time efficient and just do it, maybe if I didn't have anxiety problems and I can't concentrate at all.





I was still working nights throughout the weekends during the term but I was falling apart all over the place. I need a lot of down time but I ended up schooling or working 7 days a week, without a single day off. (thus the lack of updates, I didn't have time for anything, much less time to bitch about it in writing) It was suffocating and my tolerance was just withering. The exhaustion was kicking in and the desperation was becoming pathetic. Somehow I was passing all the quizzes, midterms and papers even though I missed a lot of material or did it mostly by last minute cramming, but still my attendance (lateness) and homework was horrible which will ultimately effect my final GPA. I was late every single day for my morning class, I'm surprise the professor didn't just entirely drop me from his class since its part of the attendance policy. I actually tried to go to class or make an effort to show up even if I was late unlike before. I have a tendency of avoiding confrontation with just about everything, so if I was late, I wouldn't even bother showing up at all because I would feel so disappointed in myself and ashamed. I actually felt guilty because I miss almost half of his class everyday to a point where I just wrote to him clarifying its nothing personal with the class itself or him, it was mostly due to the time and my brutal schedule. I have a really difficult time getting up early, especially since I was running on about 2-3 hours of sleep on a normal basis. I was making an honest effort to attend class because I based everything off his lectures since I don't study well from textbooks. The professor is actually really interesting and I never liked any history or politics prior to this. Call me crazy, but I'm actually looking forward to taking one of his politics class just as an elective in the fall because this guy is so brilliant.

Most of my professors except one apparently loves to give a shit ton of assignments that really serves no purpose other than being a massive time sink. The way they run things seems like they just assume all the students don't have any other responsibilities other than being a student. I couldn't keep up with all the frivolous chapter quizzes and readings simply because I don't have the time, not because they're difficult. I just stopped doing them all together and focused more on major assignments that actually weights a large percentage of the final grade; it was just a compromise that had to be made. It's odd that all my professors somehow remembers me even though I never talk and some of the classes are huge. I kinda just try to stay invisible, get in and get out. At some point, got stopped by a few of my professors asking about why I wasn't doing any of the textbook assignments. I tend to be brutally honest sometimes, all I could say is I didn't want to bullshit about it and I understand an excuse is still an excuse but it's just part of the compromises I have to make and to not take it personally. They were surprisingly understanding about it. I guess some people appreciate when someone is just straightforward. Excuses gets old fast.


I guess that pretty sums up how my entire semester has been like- just a brutal grind. The term still isn't over, finals week is next week. I have a week off, I guess they do that so they can get all their shit together with creating the finals and paperwork while giving us some time to study. So yeah, I'm suppose to be studying, I have a lot of material to cover with reviewing and trying to memorize things in a robotic way. It's been six days and I haven't even started. Time seems to go by way to fast when I actually have days off, mostly because I take the time to catch up on everything I've been putting off when I didn't have time to do it like errands, cleaning, breathing and whatnot.

I came back to this post throughout the course of the day and I still can't finish it...so fuck it. A lot happened in between school but I'm tired and it's getting late. So maybe I'll get into it later. It doesn't help that I dread writing now thanks to all the papers and reminders of how I can't write eloquently for the life of me.

Labels: bad days, procrastination, schedule, school, tired, wasting time, work

Labels: christmas, procrastination, ranting, wasting time

I've been off for the past few days but I don't feel rested at all. I can't seem to find my peace of mind. More anticipation this week. Its just the calm before the storm. I'm dreading whats ahead. There goes my paranoia and over thinking. I'm a cynical bastard but I'm usually not too far of from what I think will go wrong since things usually don't go the way I intend it to. If only.

I was rushed to send in a work schedule after orientation for workplace#2, so I put in that I'll be able to work Thursday - Sunday nights which is 4 days, but that would mean I would be working 2 jobs 7 days a week. I would have offered to work more weekdays at this place but that would conflict with workplace#1 since I know very well that they won't be giving me any weekend shifts because I'm a newcomer. Equality my ass. I originally wanted to just put Friday-Sunday so that I'd be working 3 days each work place a week with 1 day off, but that would just seem like an unreasonably selfish request to say I can only work the weekend night shift which is usually the best ones. I wanted Thursdays off but it doesn't seem to be a good decision right now. I'll have to work out if I can really keep up with working 7 nights a week without a day off without getting burnt out. Correction, I know I'll get burnt out. The question is when and how long before I do.

I'm transferring to the location I was intended to be at for workplace#1 tomorrow and I have a feeling even as a part timer, they'd want me to work at least 3 days a week. The owner originally offered me to work 5 days a week full time, from lunch shift to dinner. I don't think I'll be able to tolerate it. The job doesn't seem very promising anyway, so I'll just suck it up and work here from Monday - Wednesday nights. I tried to make it clear that I'll only be able to work night shifts. I didn't really give them a specific reason other than the fact that it would conflict with my personal schedule. My personal schedule being that I can't get up early if my life depended on it and I'm just really slow in the morning. Also, I'd like to reserve the day for things or paperwork I may have to take care of since most business places are only open during the day otherwise my life would be completely consumed in work. Work that I'm well aware isn't a career. I know it's not worth it but it always happens anyway.

I keep procrastinating on things I need to do in life. I always tend to put off things until I realize I'm beyond fucked. Then I try to do everything all at once to make amends for me putting things off and everything backfires because of my rash decisions. I don't know how all this is going to go but I have a good idea of how all this is going to end. I've dug my own grave because I don't know how to pace myself. If I somehow get registered for the upcoming spring semester, I'll have to quit one of the jobs. Going to class and working 7 days a week just isn't realistic, at least not for someone like me. I have no willpower. I don't think working at a place for 1 month then quitting is necessary a good thing on my records, but its just a choice I'll eventually have to face and make.

I'm still waiting for my headphones to come in the mail. This is fucking driving me off the edge. I just realize yesterday marks 1 month since I started writing in this thing. I'm surprise I'm still actively writing or at least trying to. I'm a flake but this has been somewhat helpful with my never ending disjointed racing thoughts.

Better read it first, for if one drinks much from a bottle marked "Poison", it's almost certain to disagree with one sooner or later. -Alice, Alice in Wonderland

I just realize the week has already passed and Thursday is in 2 days. I have to go get an ultrasound (no I'm not fucking pregnant) in the morning then rush to work afterwards. Hopefully it doesn't take too long. I feel like I should be worried or upset but all I feel is blank right now. In the back of my head, a bit of me wishes that she would come with me but I know its not her style to babysit me. I'm not even going to bother asking, I already know the answer. It sounds a bit odd, but I'm not really sure what I want the results to be- good or bad. Fatal or not.

Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. -Alice, Alice in Wonderland 

I still have the same mindset that I'd eventually get my act together and repay her. It's the least I can do in this lifetime. I haven't had any goals or dreams in life for many years now. Whenever I think of possible careers I may want to pursue, it all boils down to how much my annual salary might be and which one is the smarter investment. The choices keeps changing and I can't settle. Its why I end up resenting everything because I don't know whats the right answer, I quit before I even start because god forbid I picked the wrong one. I can't seem to suck it up and just grow up. I have no passion for it.


Nothing I've ever done has made her happy or proud of me. Maybe money would do it. I'm living for you. If I work enough to give you a life where the only chore you have to do is breathe, would you be happy? Because I don't know what else would do it. Its just like every year's Mother's day, birthday or holiday. You have no idea how much I want to do something that'd genuinely make you happy, but there is nothing I can give you right now that you don't already have. I'm just old luggage right now. I'm independent but some part of me still feels like a child trying to get your approval. Hey, are you listening to me? You never do. Why is it that the most contact I have with you is when we're fighting? Its odd that when you're not here, I feel calm but lonely. When you actually come back for a day or two, I'm just waiting for you to barge in and tell me the things you need me to do along with a reminder to refresh the fact that I disappoint you.  But hey, I still fucking love you. You just don't know it.

I think it maybe contagious. People who are more pleasant towards strangers, friends, acquaintances than their own relationships between people that actually matter. Like when it comes to family, the mask falls off and they become naturally irritated all the time for no specific reason. You've put up this act all along to become this person you want everyone to see you as but when it comes off, all your built up frustrations falls on the people who you know will let you get away with it. The people you're blindly hurting. That person who has no choice but to forgive you because they fucking love you. Is that how the concept of love works? How much are you willing to take? If I do this, if I say that - could you love me still? Are you sure? Well, let's see.

Labels: family, hurt, job, love, relationships, schedule, wasting time, work

Not sure where to begin.

I managed to get up this morning in a daze, drugged and hungover. I don't know why I go crazy sometimes, good thing I've built a high tolerance to it. I got a last minute email yesterday to go into workplace #2 for orientation. I have to make it somehow. Getting a ride there instead of taking the bus this time didn't help at all either since we ended up getting lost. First time going for interview I was late since Sunday the MTA always fucks up their normal services, then this week going directly by car backfired also. See, somehow some way I'm always late no matter what approach. At least I made it before the manager got there. Right when I walked through the door my old friend called me. Wow is my caller ID really correct? I instantly turned around and walked back outside to answer the phone. Alright, its on for tonight.

Most of the potential staff members were all around the same age with the exception of the bartender and one other waiter who seems to be in their 30s. The rest of us are all in our 20s. I was chatting with one of my soon to be co-workers and turns out he use to go to the high school next to mines but hes 1 year older. Turns out he went to John Bowne High School which was right next to the one I went to, 1 bus stop earlier. Who knows maybe we were on the same bus at some point during that time of our lives.

The orientation was just mostly just for playing with the POS and menu. Not much to it, boring. At least it didn't last all night. I got off a bit earlier so I headed out to St. Marks for some dinner and catching up. I took another one of my anxiety medicines after I got off work since I was started to get one of those tension headaches. It started making me really drowsy on the train so I instantly headed for the Starbucks right off the station at Union Square where I got off and my friend found me in there.

Anyway, I don't know what happened but apparently some prissy bitch got tapped a bit as my friend was helping me get a straw so she was all "Excuuuuuuuuuuse me?!" Just imagine a white girl trying to be be black and saying it like that. Oh yeah, you're so hardcore. I'm not sure what happened at first I found it kind of humorous since people are so touchy and on the edge. So we just walked out, within a minute I guess the girl's super protective lesbian girlfriend/bodyguard came out and shoved my friend. "This is for doing whatever you did and talking shit." I couldn't even be mad or argue since I was really just too confused. I don't even know what she said. I was more confused since I seriously had no idea why they were so worked up. Did sand get trapped in your vagina from too much scissoring? Who knows, all over a straw and some prissy princess. I sort of imagined myself in a fight with that tiny dyke but I just didn't have the energy for it, I'm got out of work, I'm tired, I finally get a chance to see my friend and I don't feel like dealing with prima donna lesbians. (fuck, doesn't that seem like I'm talking about myself? FML and my name) I just wonder how she goes around carrying herself like that without getting fucked with a chainsaw or something. I hope the kid is smart and picks her battles because people can kill and she looks like a twig that'd easily be snapped in half.

The night goes on. We headed to some sushi lounge near Thompson square park instead. There were a lot more homeless people or drunks than I remember. Was it always like this? The place was a bit run down but relaxing. I don't care too much for fine dining and paying $300 per person for meal where you get a total of 2 bites for the entire course. We got a chance to catch up a bite and had our usual walk and smoke to the station. Not sure if this was one of those once every quarter of a year events, but even if it was; I no longer had those kind of expectations for anyone in my life. I'll just enjoy the moment. I'm getting over the phase or trying to throw that part of me away. The scary and unbecoming part of me that wants to possess people. So that's that.


It's been the same monotonous shit lately with work. I finally got a call back from the owner of workplace1 after 10pm some nights ago agreeing to transfer me to the location I wanted to work at. Where tips are not pooled so there won't be so many complications. Yeah sorry old twats, I'm not your fucking doormat. To be completely honest, I was ready to get fired or not work there already since I am after all just a newcomer and I was being a royal pain in the ass aka. stubborn and not being the fucking pushover they want me to be.

Free for all is what I was hoping for, I'll pull my own weight but I already know there's going to be more upcoming trouble. I can already feel it- like if they don't give me enough tables and whatnot because I'm new. We'll see, at least this is a start. This is just the beginning. I do worry too much. I just hate wasting my time. Well let me reword that, I waste my own time all the time to worthless things but I hate letting other people waste my time. Its my fucking time to waste not yours.

Labels: friends, life, memories, wasting time, work

I should feel a bit more relieved as of lately but I'm not. I managed to get all my documentations in for the upcoming spring semester and I got offered the job from the 2nd Japanese restaurant I interviewed for. Good thing they gave me an early notice. They originally told me they'll get back to me by Monday (which in most cases imply they don't want you for the job). I guess this was an exception since it is a new restaurant after all. I was hoping they'd get back to me before Friday hits and it worked out. I immediately wrote a resignation letter (after a total of 1 night's worth of work.) to the Thai Lounge to avoid another unnecessary training shift I was suppose to work this Friday. Yet I'm still restless. There is always this uncertainty and frustration. I feel like opportunities are finally flying my way but school is still the exception. Some how and some where along the I always mess up my school papers or stray from getting back on track with it. As far as finding work goes, things always turn sour real fast.

I started training for my the first job on Monday. Wednesday was suppose to be my last day of training at the location. I was training in a different restaurant because the owner travels between the two location he owns. So I had to begin my training at the one he was going to be supervising for the week, then transfer and start at the place I interviewed to work at. The training itself wasn't particularly horrible or a disaster. I can tolerate working with people if its my job. Whatever pays the bills and keeps you going right? Most of it is just a lot of running around and multitasking. It'll replace my workout which I have not been doing at all lately. I've just been busy and my hours are all over the place. Look at me pampering my sorry ass, technically I could come home at 10pm and workout but I don't have the willpower. I still need to drop another 15lbs.

Initially my co-workers all seemed pleasant and friendly, but Wednesday night was just a reminder that everyone has multiple side to them. Especially when it comes to money in the world, always brings out the ugly in people. I finished my last training day at the location Wednesday night. I always make sure to let the owner know when I'm leaving or clocking out since I'm on training and we usually have a chat or discussion after each training day. I basically end up staying almost 30-45minutes after I clock out just chatting with the owner. Some nights ago, he tried offering me basically all other positions such as being the hostess or taking calls, being his secretary, helping him with book keeping, web maintenance or design, excel reports on the business, everything but being a server since I have no experience as a waitress. I wish people would pull their head out of their asses and stop acting like part time jobs such as waitressing are god given. It's not fucking rocket science and it's not a glamorous job. It's just work.


Whats new? yet another employer trying to screw me over and give me a different position than I interviewed for, especially after I went through the trouble of reduced pay training. This is not what I signed up for, I seriously wondered what he is trying to hire me as. I got the vibe that he wanted to keep me as an employee but didn't exactly want to give me shifts yet. I got through to him eventually but it felt like I was bargaining for the position I was originally promised during my interview. I hate sleazy people.

I had a meeting with the owner in his office after work Wednesday night to confirm my schedule or arrangements for the upcoming week since I'm suppose to transfer over to the other location. He asked that I stay at the location I am currently training at for another 3 weeks as an official staff member since one of the staff members is going on vacation for about a month. Originally the staff arranged for his friend to fill in for him and take over his shifts while hes away, but the owner asked me to take over his shifts for now since I'm already working there.



Turns out people are really two faced bitches who are ready and armed to fuck over anyone for the extra bucks. The managers there who were all giddy and peachy became monsters when I told them out of courtesy that last night wasn't my last day at that location after all since the owner asked me to fill in for the guy. I'm pretty sure I saw the managers face turn purple or something. Her expression changed pretty damn fast.

"Wait, so you're going to be an official waitress?"
"Yup"
"So we have to split the tips equally with you?"
"Yeah... because I'm done with my training period. So its full pay now. I just spoke with the owner."
(I forgot to mention, this location is pooled tips unlike the other location where its free for all.)

She then proceeded to spew a bunch of bullshit that I'm new and whatnot. Fucking bitch. That wasn't the case while I was taking your workload off you without taking part in any of your pay. Pathetic excuse since I was doing fine and I already knew how the house works. While I was training, they were basically getting paid for the work I was doing for them since I didn't get tipped as a trainee. Even when customers tried to slip me tips directly, without hesitation I just handed it to the wait staff as the manager eyed me like I'm going to run away with it. Bitch, I have integrity unlike you. So now that the owner offered for me to fill in as an official staff, their attitude takes a whole 180.

As she shamelessly bitched and implied she didn't want to split the tips equally with me because I am a newcomer (surprise, surprise). Which is complete bullshit since I didn't hear her complain as I gave her the tips the customers handed directly to me while I did their work for them as "training". The owner came out of his office and found himself in an awkward position between his obnoxiously greedy manager (some middle age women who acts like the entire world owes her something) and the newcomer.

We explained the situation and bottom line is, she just belittled me by saying I'm extra baggage or a burden. The owner knew if he tried to give me a position other than what I signed up for, I'll simply just quit. We already had this discussion. So he just gave another one of those safe answers or suggestions "Why don't you come work the Sunday shift and see if you can hold your own". I can do that but I know it's just another waste of my time. Do people honestly believe their experience automatically equates to how hard they work? You can be in the same line of work for a 100 fucking years for all I care and you can still be a lazy incompetent petty twit.

After thinking about it for a day I wrote him an email overnight turning down his offer "because I don't want any hostility or complications at the workplace". I received another email the following from the owner letting me know the manager's bargain. 50% tips for 1 week, then 75% the next then 100%. Seriously? Is there 'doormat' stamped on my forehead or are they really just trying that fucking hard to milk the most out of a newcomer. I turned down the proposal and told him to just transfer me. Now I'm just waiting to get fired for being a stubborn pain in the ass.


Aside from petty work drama, I finally got my blood work back. I love how every doctor I've ever met in my life is incredibly vague about whats wrong with me or my health. They usually just spew a bunch of random medical abbreviations. English please? Well something is wrong with the levels and I need an ultrasound. I wonder if this is related to when I had surgery as a kid. I was too young to really know what exactly was wrong with me. I just remember staying at the hospital and waking up from the surgery on Christmas Eve. All the experiences I've ever had in hospitals were a complete nightmare. Well I guess that's a given, no one would be at a hospital for shits and giggles.

I got put on several different medications after I got my blood work back. I'm not suppose to be smoking while I take them but I do it anyway. I'm not over 35 years old so I'll just pretend I hit the jackpot for the 'whoops I fucked up' lottery if I get a heart attack or something from it. It's almost time that I finish with my smoking anyway, so this can wait. I've been losing weight lately the past week just from running around and being stressed out. I tend to forget to eat and hunger doesn't really bother me anymore. I just got used to the feeling or it may also be one of the medicines. I'm convinced its mostly water weight anyway. I've become obsessed.


Oh, and I broke my relatively new headphones already. Has it even been a month since I first got it yet? I don't know, but just the cherry on top of a shitty week. Apparently its Cyber Monday (wtf?) week so I took advantage of that and bought a new pair of headphones from Skullcandy. I've never heard of cyber Monday until just recently. I seriously live under a rock. No more MixStyle fashion headphones. I can't afford to keep breaking everything and replacing things. I would have probably lost it eventually if I didn't break it anyway. Everything I touch or own breaks or gets lost. I seriously don't know how I lost my last 3 headphones in 1 months time or where they might possibly be. It seems like every time I go out or sleepover, I lose something. I swear its bad karma coming back to me. Want to torture me? Just steal my headphones so I go batshit crazy on the train or walking around outside.

Labels: health, job, money, rant, wasting time, work

“I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn’t have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn’t make for an interesting person. I didn’t want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone.”— Charles Bukowski


About year ago I reached an epiphany — if I spent as much time and effort as I spent on games, I'd be a fucking millionaire by now. I should have taken that and go win at life instead. But no, god forbid I actually have to try and fail. So I found my escapism to avoid everything real. I have high tolerance for boring shit and retards, perfect skills for bullshitting the entire system. I'm a hoarder, obsessive compulsive and the only appealing thing I find about having children is making them do monotonous things I'm too fucking lazy to do. "Yeah hun, this fun right right? Now just keep clicking this shit for the next 10 hours ♥." The pros and cons of the idea didn't work out. Apparently my tolerance for boring shit does not apply to children or sheltered people that goes around vomiting sunshine and rainbows. "Oh my god! It's been 50 years since we last talked but I'm going to pretend you're my best friend, hows your day?" Fuck off, you make me sick.

Productive priorities right? I'm such a shithead sometimes. Sometimes being equivalent to all the years I wasted. While I realized this months ago and definitely years ago, I'm still stuck in the same cycle slowly trying to cut things out. Slowly is an understatement but at least I'm not giving into the temptations of games...at the moment.

Another confession I've known for way too long is that I do too many things on the internet and I still am. Oh look at me rambling away right here this very second, you fucking hypocrite. I like my good old classic notebook as much as the next person, but my hands hurt.

Labels: games, hate, pms, wasting time