I've been off for the past few days but I don't feel rested at all. I can't seem to find my peace of mind. More anticipation this week. Its just the calm before the storm. I'm dreading whats ahead. There goes my paranoia and over thinking. I'm a cynical bastard but I'm usually not too far of from what I think will go wrong since things usually don't go the way I intend it to. If only.

I was rushed to send in a work schedule after orientation for workplace#2, so I put in that I'll be able to work Thursday - Sunday nights which is 4 days, but that would mean I would be working 2 jobs 7 days a week. I would have offered to work more weekdays at this place but that would conflict with workplace#1 since I know very well that they won't be giving me any weekend shifts because I'm a newcomer. Equality my ass. I originally wanted to just put Friday-Sunday so that I'd be working 3 days each work place a week with 1 day off, but that would just seem like an unreasonably selfish request to say I can only work the weekend night shift which is usually the best ones. I wanted Thursdays off but it doesn't seem to be a good decision right now. I'll have to work out if I can really keep up with working 7 nights a week without a day off without getting burnt out. Correction, I know I'll get burnt out. The question is when and how long before I do.

I'm transferring to the location I was intended to be at for workplace#1 tomorrow and I have a feeling even as a part timer, they'd want me to work at least 3 days a week. The owner originally offered me to work 5 days a week full time, from lunch shift to dinner. I don't think I'll be able to tolerate it. The job doesn't seem very promising anyway, so I'll just suck it up and work here from Monday - Wednesday nights. I tried to make it clear that I'll only be able to work night shifts. I didn't really give them a specific reason other than the fact that it would conflict with my personal schedule. My personal schedule being that I can't get up early if my life depended on it and I'm just really slow in the morning. Also, I'd like to reserve the day for things or paperwork I may have to take care of since most business places are only open during the day otherwise my life would be completely consumed in work. Work that I'm well aware isn't a career. I know it's not worth it but it always happens anyway.

I keep procrastinating on things I need to do in life. I always tend to put off things until I realize I'm beyond fucked. Then I try to do everything all at once to make amends for me putting things off and everything backfires because of my rash decisions. I don't know how all this is going to go but I have a good idea of how all this is going to end. I've dug my own grave because I don't know how to pace myself. If I somehow get registered for the upcoming spring semester, I'll have to quit one of the jobs. Going to class and working 7 days a week just isn't realistic, at least not for someone like me. I have no willpower. I don't think working at a place for 1 month then quitting is necessary a good thing on my records, but its just a choice I'll eventually have to face and make.

I'm still waiting for my headphones to come in the mail. This is fucking driving me off the edge. I just realize yesterday marks 1 month since I started writing in this thing. I'm surprise I'm still actively writing or at least trying to. I'm a flake but this has been somewhat helpful with my never ending disjointed racing thoughts.

Better read it first, for if one drinks much from a bottle marked "Poison", it's almost certain to disagree with one sooner or later. -Alice, Alice in Wonderland

I just realize the week has already passed and Thursday is in 2 days. I have to go get an ultrasound (no I'm not fucking pregnant) in the morning then rush to work afterwards. Hopefully it doesn't take too long. I feel like I should be worried or upset but all I feel is blank right now. In the back of my head, a bit of me wishes that she would come with me but I know its not her style to babysit me. I'm not even going to bother asking, I already know the answer. It sounds a bit odd, but I'm not really sure what I want the results to be- good or bad. Fatal or not.

Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. -Alice, Alice in Wonderland 

I still have the same mindset that I'd eventually get my act together and repay her. It's the least I can do in this lifetime. I haven't had any goals or dreams in life for many years now. Whenever I think of possible careers I may want to pursue, it all boils down to how much my annual salary might be and which one is the smarter investment. The choices keeps changing and I can't settle. Its why I end up resenting everything because I don't know whats the right answer, I quit before I even start because god forbid I picked the wrong one. I can't seem to suck it up and just grow up. I have no passion for it.


Nothing I've ever done has made her happy or proud of me. Maybe money would do it. I'm living for you. If I work enough to give you a life where the only chore you have to do is breathe, would you be happy? Because I don't know what else would do it. Its just like every year's Mother's day, birthday or holiday. You have no idea how much I want to do something that'd genuinely make you happy, but there is nothing I can give you right now that you don't already have. I'm just old luggage right now. I'm independent but some part of me still feels like a child trying to get your approval. Hey, are you listening to me? You never do. Why is it that the most contact I have with you is when we're fighting? Its odd that when you're not here, I feel calm but lonely. When you actually come back for a day or two, I'm just waiting for you to barge in and tell me the things you need me to do along with a reminder to refresh the fact that I disappoint you.  But hey, I still fucking love you. You just don't know it.

I think it maybe contagious. People who are more pleasant towards strangers, friends, acquaintances than their own relationships between people that actually matter. Like when it comes to family, the mask falls off and they become naturally irritated all the time for no specific reason. You've put up this act all along to become this person you want everyone to see you as but when it comes off, all your built up frustrations falls on the people who you know will let you get away with it. The people you're blindly hurting. That person who has no choice but to forgive you because they fucking love you. Is that how the concept of love works? How much are you willing to take? If I do this, if I say that - could you love me still? Are you sure? Well, let's see.

Labels: family, hurt, job, love, relationships, schedule, wasting time, work