I really hate my brain, it never knows when to stop and chill the fuck out. Its like one of those shock horror moments, as if something scary as fuck just suddenly popped up in front of the screen during some horror film, except this time it's in my head. I'm not quite sure how to explain the dynamics of it, a conscious nightmare of an epiphany? Had a sudden panic attack and was overwhelmed with fear simply because I couldn't stop worrying about not knowing what the hell I'm doing and how do I go about things when everything seems so fragile that anything wrong will shatter everything. I don't make any sense...

Anyway...so wall of text. tldr version: ...I actually don't know how to summarize the mess that was the entire spring term. Just don't read.

It seems like a lot yet not much has change since I disappeared. I finally went through with returning back to school after avoiding it for so long. A bit of a milestone in my life since I fell out of the system for way too long now. I'm not sure if it was because I had no motivation, goals or if I was just avoiding it ever since everything landslid from the moment I stopped trying but I'm doing things to fill up the days now. I started again this Spring term that started February. It really is hard to go back once you take so much time off. I was working on and off for the past few years with no meaning to it at all. The entire semester has been nothing but brutal. It all started with my late paperwork and registration. There was a lot of complications with my GPA because of my transfers and time away from school so I needed to work on rebuilding it again before I can transfer out.

Since I registered late, I was pretty much fucked. All the courses I needed to take had no open seats. I just told them to register me for whatever was available that's actually part of the requirements. I always get screwed over when I leave important things in someone else's hands but in this case it's not like I had much choice either way. I ended up with a nightmare of a schedule where I had 1-4 hour breaks everyday. I was on campus 28 hours a week with 30% of that time just waiting for my next class. I must have been told or asked a million times why I don't make the most out of my breaks and do homework or study during them. I couldn't help but think why people waste time asking such useless questions... don't you think I fucking would if I could? Who chooses to make shit harder for themselves? Sitting around while caving into my mind for hours every day isn't exactly a blast for me either. It'd make my life so much easier if I could be time efficient and just do it, maybe if I didn't have anxiety problems and I can't concentrate at all.





I was still working nights throughout the weekends during the term but I was falling apart all over the place. I need a lot of down time but I ended up schooling or working 7 days a week, without a single day off. (thus the lack of updates, I didn't have time for anything, much less time to bitch about it in writing) It was suffocating and my tolerance was just withering. The exhaustion was kicking in and the desperation was becoming pathetic. Somehow I was passing all the quizzes, midterms and papers even though I missed a lot of material or did it mostly by last minute cramming, but still my attendance (lateness) and homework was horrible which will ultimately effect my final GPA. I was late every single day for my morning class, I'm surprise the professor didn't just entirely drop me from his class since its part of the attendance policy. I actually tried to go to class or make an effort to show up even if I was late unlike before. I have a tendency of avoiding confrontation with just about everything, so if I was late, I wouldn't even bother showing up at all because I would feel so disappointed in myself and ashamed. I actually felt guilty because I miss almost half of his class everyday to a point where I just wrote to him clarifying its nothing personal with the class itself or him, it was mostly due to the time and my brutal schedule. I have a really difficult time getting up early, especially since I was running on about 2-3 hours of sleep on a normal basis. I was making an honest effort to attend class because I based everything off his lectures since I don't study well from textbooks. The professor is actually really interesting and I never liked any history or politics prior to this. Call me crazy, but I'm actually looking forward to taking one of his politics class just as an elective in the fall because this guy is so brilliant.

Most of my professors except one apparently loves to give a shit ton of assignments that really serves no purpose other than being a massive time sink. The way they run things seems like they just assume all the students don't have any other responsibilities other than being a student. I couldn't keep up with all the frivolous chapter quizzes and readings simply because I don't have the time, not because they're difficult. I just stopped doing them all together and focused more on major assignments that actually weights a large percentage of the final grade; it was just a compromise that had to be made. It's odd that all my professors somehow remembers me even though I never talk and some of the classes are huge. I kinda just try to stay invisible, get in and get out. At some point, got stopped by a few of my professors asking about why I wasn't doing any of the textbook assignments. I tend to be brutally honest sometimes, all I could say is I didn't want to bullshit about it and I understand an excuse is still an excuse but it's just part of the compromises I have to make and to not take it personally. They were surprisingly understanding about it. I guess some people appreciate when someone is just straightforward. Excuses gets old fast.


I guess that pretty sums up how my entire semester has been like- just a brutal grind. The term still isn't over, finals week is next week. I have a week off, I guess they do that so they can get all their shit together with creating the finals and paperwork while giving us some time to study. So yeah, I'm suppose to be studying, I have a lot of material to cover with reviewing and trying to memorize things in a robotic way. It's been six days and I haven't even started. Time seems to go by way to fast when I actually have days off, mostly because I take the time to catch up on everything I've been putting off when I didn't have time to do it like errands, cleaning, breathing and whatnot.

I came back to this post throughout the course of the day and I still can't finish it...so fuck it. A lot happened in between school but I'm tired and it's getting late. So maybe I'll get into it later. It doesn't help that I dread writing now thanks to all the papers and reminders of how I can't write eloquently for the life of me.

Labels: bad days, procrastination, schedule, school, tired, wasting time, work