You mean you can't take ''less''," said the Hatter: "it's very easy to take ''more'' than nothing. — Alice In Wonderland.

Labels: alice in wonderland, apathetic, bad habits, books, friendships, i don't fucking know., life, perks of being a wallflower, reflections, relationships, wasting time

はじめまして。
苦しくて　私は手紙を　書きます。
例えば空に浮かぶ鳥にもその重さだけ
幸せはきっと在るのに。


もし君が私を見つけ、
病んだ草のように
ただ、ビラビラ笑ったら、やだな。
それでも、
もしも私を好きになってくれるなら
両手を広げて飛べるんだ。


はじめまして
悲しみも寂しさも消えるから
居場所なんかもう、要らない。
私が　出した　手紙は　届くかな？
はじめまして。

Labels: alone, apathetic, bad days, depression, hurt

“here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.”
― Haruki Murakami

Its been a battle just trying to get some time on the phone with him and every time I finally do get permission which is rather said because otherwise without it, all my calls are ignored. The entire phone call just starts with hostility. I don't know where it is coming from, it only makes me think you hate me now. Theres no more exceptions. But even towards are stranger you aren't so harsh. Thats why I can't hold back the tears, hearing your hatred and annoyance in your voice simply because you have to take my phone call is very disheartening. Every word pierces like a needle with your anger and tone. Theres not the slightest tone of remorse of a lost love or that I was loved at all. Usually I don't put up with people who treat me like shit, but time and time again I try to get across to you facing your anger. You don't even realize I'm already changing all my standards and self respect for you. You think you can hear it by tone or life decisions, but you'll never really know all of it. I'm willing to take all the hits as long as I get to stay a part of your life, even if its an insignificant part out of pity. We say we're going to take some time off; I know for sure I'll never love anyone like I do you, but you already brought up the part of moving on to new people who makes us happier. I thought I made you happy or you loved me for the way I made you feel. So if you're actively looking for a new love while I;n loyally waiting for yours, what do I do then? Winter break, spring break, all of it is still not enough time for you. When is there enough time? I don't want to be led on with illusions of a second chance and left even more broken.


I can see you deleting me from all the parts of your life already. So I erased myself from face book entirely. I only wrote and updated about us to begin with. I have no use for it anymore. Have you realized your life is a lot simpler and happier without me existing in your world? I don't see any reason otherwise to your constant harsh tone filled with discontent and annoyance. There was a time when you wanted me to talk to you and make my whole world about you. Now that it is, my whole world is falling apart. I gave you everything I had mentally and physically. but the happiness I thought we had wasn't enough to keep you here. I feel like such a fool. Stupid Stupid girl. I always feel for your pretty words and you can lie to me and deceive me and I'll probably still fall for it anyway because I've given up all my self respect to make you happy. You never realized it or acknowledge it. Or else we wouldn't be at this point where you're telling me I am poison and will never change. I've changed so much more than you know inside and out in order to please you. I'm just a foolish girl in the end.  I gave you myself and now it feels like you threw my heart on the pavement, stepped all over it, and backed up your car a few times over it.

“But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
― Haruki Murakami

“I want you always to remember me. Will you remember that I existed, and that I stood next to you here like this?” ― Haruki Murakami

When did I mean so little that you can discard me just like that at first without even a thought of trying. Am I the only one whose stupid and refuse to let go because I believe we owe it to ourselves to give it a try? If you're actively looking for a new love that will please you  mentally and physically in all the ways you want without speaking back to you, I'll still wait in the background. I've waiting for 8 years watching you love and live your life with someone else in silence. Its selfish to only want someone who never speaks back and  is best for you because they treat you well and need you. Its all about your satisfaction. But what about the other person? will you love them simply because they are like your pet and obey you in every sense?  You love them because they love you? Or would you rather love someone not out of selfishness but truly love someone because they are the amazing person you always thought them to be, even if they aren't what you need from a relationship thats all about you.

 You were hurt and made a huge deal when I broke several promises, but you broke every single promise you made to me since day one doing this and I can still find it in my heart to forgive you. But I'm still holding onto your promises. You're a man of your word right? then stop taking the easy way out like I'm so disposing whore.who means nothing so you can brush off and trash me anytime. If you love someone fight for them if you don't even put up a struggle and fight, that only tells the world, yourself and me that person didn't mean much to you to begin with. Its frustrating no matter how you try to justify your actions. And most of all, it hurts. It pains me to every part of me to see thats all I was worth.



Despite everything, It's only about what you believe to be true and the correct approach. Just you and your stubborn believes that your words and thoughts are absolute. Are you not capable of mistakes? Are you god? Is it only your way or the highway?Either way it feels like I'm getting run over and trampled by things flying by me. So why don't you just pull the trigger because I'm slowly dying by your hands and relentless beliefs in your own point of view.

I'm willing to compromise everything and to try everything, but why is it that you can just stomp around in anger without doing your part of what we need to improve. It's not just all me, so please stop treating me like shit every time I try to get through to you and have a solid understand on both sides. The way you act and behave. The way you constantly try to get away and hang up. It'd all so harsh, do you see or hear yourself? I do. But I still love you. I never said I was smart but everything you've done to me and got me to believe has opened up a pandora's box I can't close. And it's all for you. Ive chanced a lot more than you recognize over all this time, you're just blinded by whatever it is you want to call how you treat me to acknowledge any of it.



Either way, I'm waiting for you and my voice never to reach you changes into a sad song. I think for now, I'll just bury myself with school since I'm literally all alone. Theres no one reaching out to me and there is no longer anyone I can reach out to for help and support anymore. I feel like I have zero friends and nobody in my life as always. But its nothing new. I'll just pretend I woke up from a really long dream and I'm back to where I was. No matter how much suffering I went through I never want to let go of these memories. As long as you remember me, I don't care of everyone else forgets.

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star. It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.” ― Haruki Murakami

Labels: alone, apathetic, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., lost, relationships, sad, self-esteem, sorrow, tired, truths

I have about 30 minutes or so to finish this entry before my medicines kick in and I pass out. Lately I've actually been able to shut myself off to sleep without taking ambien like its candy hoping one of them will kick in and work. Its just miserable to a point where I remember I would get desperate enough to just try just about anything to sleep. I think the anti anxiety and the physical workload factors in to how I am able to sleep now with a normal dosage usually. I can feel myself slowly dying away though.

As expected after I finally went to bed around 6am, the door bell went off 3 hours later. The apartment inspector was here. This time I was unlucky and got one of those annoying ones that likes to pick at everything. Last year the inspector women didn't even step into my apartment. From my doorway-  "Is everything okay with your place?" "Yup" "Okay, sign here" and bam- the "inspection" was over within 2 minutes. This morning some middle age white man with a really nasal voice that sounds exactly like Gerald from Everybody Loves Raymond spam rang the doorbell as I miserably crawled out of bed and put on my robe to answer the door. I was half asleep and the guy couldn't catch a hint and get the inspection with over fast. Instead, he goes to every single window in my apartment and then took off the smoke and carbon monoxide detector. I was hoping he wouldn't check it and just seeing it attached on the walls is enough since I took both the batteries out some time ago and I misplaced them since its been so long. He did check it and gives me a lecture about how the landlord needs me to have these things working and in place etc for my safety.

Well, you see... I took off the fire alarm because when I "cook" it pretty much goes off every other time because I'm terrible at cooking and I burn everything including myself sometimes. I just took it off since it gets annoying. The beeping going off is like a beep code language saying "Bitch you fucking fail at cooking so now I'm gonna announce it to all your neighbors." I hate smoke detectors. Well anyway I got written up for up so I'll have to buy some kinda of batteries for it soon and have them confirm that I complied.


The 3 hours of sleep is really taking its toll on me. Anyway, so this shit fest week continues its unbroken streak of bad days. I realize that people always see the worst in me. People who I thought knew me or was my good friend pegs me as a deceiving bitch. The thing is, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of drama and I don't want to give a shit anymore. People can think what they want of me. This happens to be one of those childhood things I've never grown out of or learn to be immune to- being accused or blamed for something but there is nothing you can say or do to defend yourself because the other person just blindly sees what they want to see in you. It's one of the worst feelings ever. The knot in your throat and stomach from frustration and disappointment, that feeling is all too familiar growing up. Especially if its from someone who should know better. I'm tired of defending myself, if your thoughts lead to you assuming I'm garbage, then maybe the friendship was wrong to begin with. So why don't you take my words and drag it through the dirt. They never meant anything. Take your time with this game you play.

I got off work at a bit after 1am today even thought my shift is suppose to end at 11:30pm. I never get out on time and it really blows. Its mostly due to the incompetent managers and it happens that tonight they wanted to hold a "staff meeting" between the servers. It was mostly lectures on things people were doing wrong, I was doing fine but I still had to sit there and listen. Sometime before the meeting one of my co-workers who has been very nice to me asked me if I was OK, I guess the misery was just visibly spewing out of me by the end of a long day and week. "It's just been a shitty week" and he offered that we should just get some drinks to take the edge off. I said no. The thing is, alcohol does nothing for me now. Its boring and a hassle. Plus the medications I'm on makes drinking automatic torture. I never get to the buzz or drunk phase, I just go directly to the hangover phase. Whats the point? But even if I didn't have that holding me back, I still don't drink now. I've had enough of my nights drinking alone thinking it'll help. It doesn't. Its not fucking magical medicine that makes everything better or fix anything. Just misery with misery. Yup, this boredom is drowning my entire life.


The End. I'm too fucking tired to finish this post I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about and I probably won't remember any of this the next day. Time for my escapism.

Labels: apathetic, drinking, friendships, lies, life, relationships, work