月の詩


輝いた真っ白なTシャツ 
水しぶきに浮かぶ虹
ぼんやりと見つめてる空を
いくつもの風が遊ぶ


何もないことが二人だけの幸せだった


誰よりも深く 心まで溺れて
今もこの場所で 君だけを見つめて
二度と戻らない 夢ならば壊して
忘れられなくて もう一度逢い


たい 蜃気楼を重ねて
君の影、拾い集め


時計の針を止めたままで待ち続ける


眠れない夜もため息の朝も
君の大好きな月の詩を


いつからか遠く体まで離れて
今はこの場所に僕だけを残して
ずっと変わらない二人だと信じた
あの頃のようにもう一度、愛した…

I told you, you'd give up on me.

I'm alive but not living. The other day I read something like "She was smart, until she fell in love." I instantly thought well fuck me and fuck pretty words and empty promises. I just want to erase myself and life for a while. I think that's what I'm doing. Because now that I think back about all the little things and observed myself from how helpless I was, I can see clearly people treated me like shit despite all their pretty little lies and I let them because I wanted so badly for it to be. But then again sometimes (as much as I try not to) I think back and I can't help but feel a bit bitter. Those who claimed I am everything but turned their back on me; it turns out I don't think too much of them either after analyzing all thats happened. I was disillusioned by all their bullshit, being treated like shit and taken for granted because I don't play the game like every girl should? I guess its true that people don't appreciate what they have and only covet what they can't or don't have; being addicted to the chase. It's all just an ego boost if the person wins. It's disgusting. I honestly thought I was smarter than that but I was just buried under the illusion of a grandiose image. 

Seriously.

I. felt. so. fucking. stupid.

and maybe I generally am.

But I didn't think I was this insignificant.

I've made myself easily disposable.

Fuck me.

Well, it's 7am and can't sleep anymore. I'm slowly losing track of my life, but maybe I'll start pouring all my emo whining rants here again to keep myself sane. Because I don't know where I am anymore.

Labels: alone, depressed, fucked up, gackt, hurt, letting go, lies, life, lost, mad, memories, mistakes, ocd, poem, quote, rant, relationships, resolutions, truths

“here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.”
― Haruki Murakami

Its been a battle just trying to get some time on the phone with him and every time I finally do get permission which is rather said because otherwise without it, all my calls are ignored. The entire phone call just starts with hostility. I don't know where it is coming from, it only makes me think you hate me now. Theres no more exceptions. But even towards are stranger you aren't so harsh. Thats why I can't hold back the tears, hearing your hatred and annoyance in your voice simply because you have to take my phone call is very disheartening. Every word pierces like a needle with your anger and tone. Theres not the slightest tone of remorse of a lost love or that I was loved at all. Usually I don't put up with people who treat me like shit, but time and time again I try to get across to you facing your anger. You don't even realize I'm already changing all my standards and self respect for you. You think you can hear it by tone or life decisions, but you'll never really know all of it. I'm willing to take all the hits as long as I get to stay a part of your life, even if its an insignificant part out of pity. We say we're going to take some time off; I know for sure I'll never love anyone like I do you, but you already brought up the part of moving on to new people who makes us happier. I thought I made you happy or you loved me for the way I made you feel. So if you're actively looking for a new love while I;n loyally waiting for yours, what do I do then? Winter break, spring break, all of it is still not enough time for you. When is there enough time? I don't want to be led on with illusions of a second chance and left even more broken.


I can see you deleting me from all the parts of your life already. So I erased myself from face book entirely. I only wrote and updated about us to begin with. I have no use for it anymore. Have you realized your life is a lot simpler and happier without me existing in your world? I don't see any reason otherwise to your constant harsh tone filled with discontent and annoyance. There was a time when you wanted me to talk to you and make my whole world about you. Now that it is, my whole world is falling apart. I gave you everything I had mentally and physically. but the happiness I thought we had wasn't enough to keep you here. I feel like such a fool. Stupid Stupid girl. I always feel for your pretty words and you can lie to me and deceive me and I'll probably still fall for it anyway because I've given up all my self respect to make you happy. You never realized it or acknowledge it. Or else we wouldn't be at this point where you're telling me I am poison and will never change. I've changed so much more than you know inside and out in order to please you. I'm just a foolish girl in the end.  I gave you myself and now it feels like you threw my heart on the pavement, stepped all over it, and backed up your car a few times over it.

“But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
― Haruki Murakami

“I want you always to remember me. Will you remember that I existed, and that I stood next to you here like this?” ― Haruki Murakami

When did I mean so little that you can discard me just like that at first without even a thought of trying. Am I the only one whose stupid and refuse to let go because I believe we owe it to ourselves to give it a try? If you're actively looking for a new love that will please you  mentally and physically in all the ways you want without speaking back to you, I'll still wait in the background. I've waiting for 8 years watching you love and live your life with someone else in silence. Its selfish to only want someone who never speaks back and  is best for you because they treat you well and need you. Its all about your satisfaction. But what about the other person? will you love them simply because they are like your pet and obey you in every sense?  You love them because they love you? Or would you rather love someone not out of selfishness but truly love someone because they are the amazing person you always thought them to be, even if they aren't what you need from a relationship thats all about you.

 You were hurt and made a huge deal when I broke several promises, but you broke every single promise you made to me since day one doing this and I can still find it in my heart to forgive you. But I'm still holding onto your promises. You're a man of your word right? then stop taking the easy way out like I'm so disposing whore.who means nothing so you can brush off and trash me anytime. If you love someone fight for them if you don't even put up a struggle and fight, that only tells the world, yourself and me that person didn't mean much to you to begin with. Its frustrating no matter how you try to justify your actions. And most of all, it hurts. It pains me to every part of me to see thats all I was worth.



Despite everything, It's only about what you believe to be true and the correct approach. Just you and your stubborn believes that your words and thoughts are absolute. Are you not capable of mistakes? Are you god? Is it only your way or the highway?Either way it feels like I'm getting run over and trampled by things flying by me. So why don't you just pull the trigger because I'm slowly dying by your hands and relentless beliefs in your own point of view.

I'm willing to compromise everything and to try everything, but why is it that you can just stomp around in anger without doing your part of what we need to improve. It's not just all me, so please stop treating me like shit every time I try to get through to you and have a solid understand on both sides. The way you act and behave. The way you constantly try to get away and hang up. It'd all so harsh, do you see or hear yourself? I do. But I still love you. I never said I was smart but everything you've done to me and got me to believe has opened up a pandora's box I can't close. And it's all for you. Ive chanced a lot more than you recognize over all this time, you're just blinded by whatever it is you want to call how you treat me to acknowledge any of it.



Either way, I'm waiting for you and my voice never to reach you changes into a sad song. I think for now, I'll just bury myself with school since I'm literally all alone. Theres no one reaching out to me and there is no longer anyone I can reach out to for help and support anymore. I feel like I have zero friends and nobody in my life as always. But its nothing new. I'll just pretend I woke up from a really long dream and I'm back to where I was. No matter how much suffering I went through I never want to let go of these memories. As long as you remember me, I don't care of everyone else forgets.

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star. It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.” ― Haruki Murakami

Labels: alone, apathetic, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., lost, relationships, sad, self-esteem, sorrow, tired, truths

I'm so pathetic and helpless up until the very end. I'm not as strong as I pretend to be and I'm more foolish than you think. It's all killing me inside out. I can feel the piercing pain and burns from the way you cruelly left me hanging in tears and indifference I receive when I try to contact you. I was so niave to believe in everything you told me. Built me up so high in your pedestal of who you thought I was and I'm falling harder than ever without anyone to help me up again. Why did you start all those promises and got me to believe in you only to give up on me so easily. I'm such a fucking joke or probably just a complete tool.

In the end, I was the only one shamelessly fighting for our love and to keep you. While I'm not worth a second look or turning back Everything was just pretty words and I still fall for them every single time if its coming from you who got me to believe in you so much. I should have known better, but I thought life was finally paying off and the best thing thats ever happened to me has finely found me out of all the people in this world and its massive population, we found each other. Its was like a miracle stepping stone to our happiness. I truly believed that. That life was finally turning around and he was going to be the man who saves me from myself.


I lived for him and I would die for him or us. It's way easier to die for someone than it is to live for them. Life is so tiresome and serves as a challenge everyday just trying to make it to the next day. I tried my best to live for us and our false future you implanted as part of the ideas that made me think you were the one. You were the answer; You're my escapism. You're never going to give up on me the way I gave up on myself. Living for someone you love is way harder than one can imagined you have to totally surrender yourself at some point and put that person ahead of you regardless and unconditionally. Until the very moment I fully let go and you have my life and heart under your power and possession. Whats left of the life in me was in your hands; Right there for you to crush and step all over anytime you want.

You really had me going. You were my addiction and maybe if I didn't so desperately want you and your attention attention and time all the time like I'm just some house pet, you'd respect me more and I can have a bit more self respect. In the end, I am nothing. Who the hell did I think I was? I was so in over my head.  Maybe this is all I deserve in the end. To be abandoned easily in a blink of an eye like two day old garbage without any chance or hope. Being entirely cut off with no one to talk to or getting nothing but silent treatment and cold shoulders. You're hurting me so much more than you know. If that was the intention, congratulations you have succeeded prosperously. Take my broken heart as your trophy and put it in your shoe box.


Maybe this was the so call 'love' I deserve in the end and thats what it was all building up to. Still even if I don't deserve any of your love, the way you broke me down was so cruel it still pains me every time I think about it. It still drives me crazy every moment of the day, reminding myself that it's my fault for opening up so much. I should't have showed the real me, no one will actually love who I really am as if I'm some trophy they want to show off their influence o.Very often people are attracted to people who are assholes or broken or damaged, people they have no business getting involved with to begin with but they do it for the thrill and challenge of wanting to change someone's life with their own hands and dictate over it.

I've lost count of how many people I've come  across in my life who always have some kind of input on how to so easily solve whats wrong with me and fix my world and so they think they know me better than myself about about my condition as if its easy as 1, 2, 3 just follow their directions and they know whats best when in reality they have no idea what you are going through. Every single asshole always wants to give their 2 cents on situations and every single one think they they whats best for someone more than that person itself. How can anyone justify their behavior on trying to inflict their personal opinion onto someone else. Seeing it and observing it from your point of view is often very different than having to live with it too. So their forceful behavior end up hurting me in the worst way possible instead of helping. And apparently me, as the individual who actually has to put up with what is insisted gets no say even though I'm personally going through the situation and problems  know whats better for   than the person itself when they are a 3rd party individual who has never gone through the same thing the person is inflicted with and don't know what its really like to be the person itself. They just insist and force it onto the person of conflict because believe their way is the correct way.

In other words simply put, the third party is  basically telling the person how to feel or respond to situations and what makes them happy or not. Dictating their behavior and what they have to put up with. Shouldn't the person themselves feel the reaction of what is forced upon them? Yes they do. And it hurts like fuck,its breaking my heart but the moment I say something, it means I'm just being difficult as always, I'm picking fights, I never listen to anyone else. How about letting the person living that life decide? I can't even express the mental pain it causes me without being accused of being difficult and uncompromising... when the 3rd person starting with the insisting and dominant behaior one who is interfering and insisting their opinion on something that does not directly effect them. Is it to show of your power over the other person you created and tamed? But often times they don't realize they more damage they can fathom to the person who is already broken by treating them like an inferior being that way. People just want a go at it like I'm some science experiment. They want to change me and fix me. And when things get too difficult or complicated, they can just up and leave as always.. But guess what? so hurt me, taint me, deceive me and break me. I;n all yours and I still love you regardless So hurt me if that vilifies the pain i've caused you. Sp I'll still love you and you can keep hurting me as I watch from afar. I can already see that anytime I bring up a concern that is hurting me I just get shut down and bombarded with you're the same person you always was you'll never change as a person for us to e be able to get along. That its all my fault. I'm willing to break myself trying for us. I'm willing to compromise everything and just be a rag doll. But I thought the trying was suppose to be both ways... why do I only feel like I'm walking on eggshells discussing it. That I have to be so cautious of what I say so I don't piss you off easily again and give you another reason to tell me why I am no good and don't deserve another chance...I thought we agree to be more open minded for each other and to be more lenient and understand and treat each other well but so far, eventually somewhere into the conversation I feel like I'm being treated like crap but I don't even want to bother mentioning anything because god forbid if I'm not 150% ok with everything being done.

I waited so long for what we have to happen and I want us to be happy but so far nothing will bring the person who claims to love me around and try along with me to make things work. Its always he needs time away from me, why would you want more time away from a person you love that you barely get to see or talk to as it is? So much for wanting to be smothered with my love and not being scared. I think I'm already overdue and expired on the person of interest list perhaps. I waited in the silence and I seem to be having to do that a lot lately just for a chance at any conversation. I did it for 8 years silently in the background, I can do it for another 8 won't make a difference. Although I'd most likely die before that time comes.. But nothing matters if I'm the only one who wants things to be ok and want to be happy together and believe in it. The whole point is to keep our relationship together and not regress to a state where we stop talking again over every little thing. I just wish it would stop and we can stop worrying so much about every single little thing. I just want to remember that I  love you more than the universe and once upon a time you did too, so just hug and kiss me and not let anything get in between our most sacred bond of all. I'm happy so long as you never stop loving me and always want my love as well. Everything else is just details to it. Our love should be beyond that and these pity things shouldn't phase.

I just want to scream and rip out my hair out sometimes when we fail to see the bigger picture; that all these fucking things don't matter in the end, our love prevails it. I just want to hold you and forget about everything else. I just want to be lost in each other's presence and eyes. and stop stressing out so much about things that really aren't fundamental in the end. who throws away genuine love with that strong of a bond that with any indications life seems to have brought us together and kept it strong within us all these years. That should triumph over any fight and everything.  I'm happy as long as I end up with him. even during bad days as long as we have each other to crawl into bed with, we wake up anew. These grudges and overly magnified details shouldn't even come close to being able to side track our love, but somehow you let it do that... try to come around and remember all that we are first. I think sometimes we forget and take it for granted. I believe in it and I want to believe in us.  I want both of us to fight for not, not just me trying to call you pathetically day by day while you ignore my calls. As I write this I keep thinking how did we let ourselves go like this and choose to be so harsh to the other person; because right now all I want and choose is you first above all.

When we look at it overall on the things we are so preoccupied on being hung up on who's right or wrong or when if ever can we forgive each other, it all seems very trivial and petty compared to the love we have to begin with. Let's not forget about that while picking up rocks around it. I just think of our bond as the core and love that holds us together thats the most important and to never give up on each other and forget the main bond and love.  I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I don't want to "argue" anymore though so I hope one day he sees what I see in us. the magnitude of our love and bond and how everything is just a detail compared to it. What matters the most is how much we love each other, please come around and see that, then you'll understand why I miss you all the time and want to see you above all and need you in my life. We both need to realize that because we love each other so much we should be able to sit down and talk calmly about other things that concern us without having to break up several times a month because of those little things. I'm not saying that the greater picture is a viable excuse to get away with everything in a relationship, but its the first time we hit currents so hard like these and theres no excuse not to give it our best effort and try. To put ourselves out there even if it might hurt ourselves, we need to do it for each other to show what we are capable of. Use failing to realize this concept or not being able to do so much right now isnt a reason to give up instantly. Nothing worth having in life comes easy. We can approach it from another angle. We only live once, remember?

Labels: alone, breaking everything, death, depressed, frustration, goo goo dolls, letting go, lost, love, mentality, mistakes, sorrow, sorry, truths

I say too much for my own good sometimes. I'm usually go to extremes to keep my personal life aside from work. It sucks that after every conversation I have with a co-worker or person, I second guess it afterwards instantly. My faith in humanity is plummeting by the day. Lately I've been questioning myself, am I confiding in the wrong people? How long is it going to be when it all comes back to me. Every word has consequences and its a bit of a strain to always be on alert for potential backstabbing. There is too much paranoia happening in my mind. I should really just internalize all my thoughts and opinions. Its the safest place to keep things. Too bad I don't listen to myself sometimes. It's like word vomit.

There are the times when I'm too honest or blunt and end up hurting friends or people I care about. This is why I can never say everything because the truth is ugly and people don't want to hear it. Honesty is ugly. Everyone wants to be understood but no one appreciates hearing an ugly or negative truth even if you have no ill intentions. I'm constantly stepping on eggshells as I hang on to relationships. I can become a very jealous or selfish person even as I try to maintain being as low maintenance as possible. When I really come to depend on someone, I naturally sabotage things just by being me. Its like my affection is just another kind of poison that slowly withers at things until everything becomes dysfunctional. There were so many times I wanted to say, I'm not asking you to love me, sympathize with me or forgive me for feeling the way I do or being the way I am. All I ask is for you to listen and acknowledge it. That's enough for me. Why does that seem so impossible? Is it too much to ask for?

I'm repulsed by myself and the person I am all the time. So you can feel spite me, I understand.

I tend to let work take over my life when my original intention is to just make some use of myself. I need something to fill up the days. Well, also because food and shelter doesn't fall from the sky. I can't help but think I'm slowly straying away from everyone in my life. I become a machine. Time does dull things for me, not entirely to the extremes that I become a stranger all over again but I can feel my walls building up again- everyday passing by is another layer of bricks piling on until its impenetrable again. There is nothing but a vague feeling of emptiness.



My schedule is pretty close to being entirely nocturnal and working nights. I constantly wake up in the afternoon before my shift feeling exhausted even on days when I manage to get a normal amount of sleep that night. Someone I know who specialized in sleep study told me ambien doesn't give you the normal kind of sleep you need to feel energized when you wake up. I honestly don't think ambien is doing much for me anymore besides being an off switch that doesn't always work. My tolerance is too high. But still, I will always choose being tired over going crazy not being able to sleep for days in a row. In some cases when my insomnia gets extreme I become self destructive with my desperate attempts to just be able to sleep. Being tired is better than feeling mentally and physically miserable while your mind doesn't listen to your body to shut down. It scares me to think of how I will manage the rest of my life this way. Sleeping is suppose to be a natural instinct or function but I can't seem to perform such a simple task. It's almost equivalent to not knowing how to breathe. I don't know how to sleep or shut myself off. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Work wasn't particularly interesting today. I wouldn't call it a shitty day entirely. Why? simply because I got through it, its over with. But none the less- it was pretty shitty, it feels like the female manager is always breathing down my back about every little thing. Sure, just because I'm not your bff or family its okay to give me grief over things that has nothing to do with me. The servers in this place have to get desserts and decorate it ourselves. So I was on the way to the freezer room- really it's like fucking walking into a freezer and shutting yourself inside it. I'm surprise I'm not sick yet from going in and out of that room. As I open the door, the female manager was inside. Lucky me, being the first person in sight as she throws a tantrum kicking empty boxes out of the room. "You can't just dig through the freezer and leave a mess. This is the second week of work, I shouldn't have to keep telling you what to do. I can easily find a replacement." Bitch, has the thought come across your head that there are multiple servers and other people in "training". What is this? fucking kill on sight? I'm not the only one who has to come into this freezing hell hole.

Someone dug through the freezer room and left things in a pile of mess, or it accumulated over the week during busy nights. I happen to be the waitress that has the highest sales with up-selling desserts but that does not mean I'm the one responsible for people digging through the freezer room like a wild boar. Its already torture enough that I have to go into a negative freezing cold air tight room to find the desserts, my job description does not entail cleaning up after other incompetent people (the servers who are family and gets away with everything). I wasn't exactly sure what to say besides "Okay..." Arguing and being defensive just seems to be a waste of time and petty. Shes just another one of those people. It won't do me any good between co-workers and this workplace in general to give her a logical argument anyway. Its a lose-lose situation. No one likes the tattletale, not that I know who the hell did it anyway.  I'm already busy enough with my section so its not like I'm keeping a tab on what other servers are doing and how they are doing things.

This women changes instantly by the minute. Everything is just peachy when I'm settling the check for my tables when just one hour ago shes lashing out at me implying she can fire me. Well no shit you can fire me, that's why I have to put up with you when the only thing you do is constantly spew garbage. I don't think I'd be too broken up about it if I get fired over someone else's mess. In fact, she'd be doing me a favor since I've been thinking of a way to resign gracefully when the time comes to move on. I don't plan on staying in the long run. The thought of me walking out right then and there did run through my head but its unnecessarily dramatic and the only reason I accepted the job at this location to begin with was to build up my resume in this field. Maybe without an outsider in the equation, she'll realize how capable her family and friend servers are. There should be a universal font for sarcasm. There won't be anyone to take the hit when someone fucks up or when she gets stressed out, not until she finds the next poor old bastard who can put up with it.

So I just realize Christmas is at the end of this week... none of my presents will make it in time. Shipping overseas is such a pain in the ass. Well, happy unbirthdays it is.

& What the fuck? Its almost 5am and I just got a text from the female manager telling me I don't have to go in for the Sunday night shift. Fine with me, Sunday seems to be slow since people usually rest at home and work the following day. Its still strange she text messages me so late in the night. Shes probably catching onto the vibe that I mega loathe her. (I use hate too much! It has lost its impact)  I guess I'll try to finish doing the rest of my Christmas shopping tomorrow, ugh.

Labels: communication, mental, relationships, sleep, truths, work