"While watching her sleep like a baby, it maybe too forward but it occurred to me, I want to heal her sorrow."

I'm still delusional waiting for something that might never occur for me. I'm constantly looking for answers in my own head and waiting for someone to save me from myself then I realized what I was really looking for all along isn't someone who can answer my questions but instead, someone who can be the answer. Maybe that's why I'm not cut out for this, because I am selfish; as if I need someone to exist entirely for me.

Labels: bad habits, calm, escapism, love, quote, relationships, sleep, sorrow

Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. That's what I'll keep reminding myself, except I'm panicking a lot. I've been experiencing a lot of short term memory loss, time lapses where I can't remember anything and wake up with bruises. I need to go get a new asthma pump, my breathing is getting too shallow and worst lately. Forget the rest of it. Just forget it. Oh, and get the fuck to work, dull it out and just do it.

Another band I've been listening to a lot more lately. It's rare for me listen to a band's whole album and like every song but lately there has been quite a few exceptions. It's hard to pick a favorite from the albums but here are a couple that I started out with- Seabird ♥

Don't you remember
You were happy when you were younger
Things were so simple yeah
'Til the day he walked out on your mother
But now you blame yourself
Because you're by yourself
You feel like it's not gonna to change
You're crying on the floor cause you can take no more
Looking for a way to escape
And all this time saying you were fine
And everyone still to blame
Well there you are
You and your broken heart
It's written all over your face
Don't you know
Don't you know that you're beautiful yeah
I see you laughing
But I know inside that you're crying
Just tell me what happened when things went wrong
We'll try to make sense of it all
Please don't blame yourself
Cause you're not by yourself
I've been right here all along
Don't have to be alone
Because you've always know
Wherever your heart is my home

I'm pushing up daisies, I wish they were rosesI feel like I'm drowning but nobody knows itI'm pushing up daisies, I wish they were rosesI feel like I'm dying, just want you to notice

I really need to figure out a way to post music without Youtube videos, I really don't like seeing the videos, sometimes they're so retarded it ruins the image I have of the song or sometimes I just really don't feel like seeing them. I only need the music, I can keep my own imagery. Kind of like how I prefer to listen to a song first without ever seeing the video as compared to first hearing the song with a video... Not sure why I'm under the impression that it takes away the full experience of music I guess. Maybe I'm just weird... but seriously, no one gives a shit right? Right.

Labels: bad habits, escapism, health, lyrics, memories, mentality, music, school, sleep

I say too much for my own good sometimes. I'm usually go to extremes to keep my personal life aside from work. It sucks that after every conversation I have with a co-worker or person, I second guess it afterwards instantly. My faith in humanity is plummeting by the day. Lately I've been questioning myself, am I confiding in the wrong people? How long is it going to be when it all comes back to me. Every word has consequences and its a bit of a strain to always be on alert for potential backstabbing. There is too much paranoia happening in my mind. I should really just internalize all my thoughts and opinions. Its the safest place to keep things. Too bad I don't listen to myself sometimes. It's like word vomit.

There are the times when I'm too honest or blunt and end up hurting friends or people I care about. This is why I can never say everything because the truth is ugly and people don't want to hear it. Honesty is ugly. Everyone wants to be understood but no one appreciates hearing an ugly or negative truth even if you have no ill intentions. I'm constantly stepping on eggshells as I hang on to relationships. I can become a very jealous or selfish person even as I try to maintain being as low maintenance as possible. When I really come to depend on someone, I naturally sabotage things just by being me. Its like my affection is just another kind of poison that slowly withers at things until everything becomes dysfunctional. There were so many times I wanted to say, I'm not asking you to love me, sympathize with me or forgive me for feeling the way I do or being the way I am. All I ask is for you to listen and acknowledge it. That's enough for me. Why does that seem so impossible? Is it too much to ask for?

I'm repulsed by myself and the person I am all the time. So you can feel spite me, I understand.

I tend to let work take over my life when my original intention is to just make some use of myself. I need something to fill up the days. Well, also because food and shelter doesn't fall from the sky. I can't help but think I'm slowly straying away from everyone in my life. I become a machine. Time does dull things for me, not entirely to the extremes that I become a stranger all over again but I can feel my walls building up again- everyday passing by is another layer of bricks piling on until its impenetrable again. There is nothing but a vague feeling of emptiness.



My schedule is pretty close to being entirely nocturnal and working nights. I constantly wake up in the afternoon before my shift feeling exhausted even on days when I manage to get a normal amount of sleep that night. Someone I know who specialized in sleep study told me ambien doesn't give you the normal kind of sleep you need to feel energized when you wake up. I honestly don't think ambien is doing much for me anymore besides being an off switch that doesn't always work. My tolerance is too high. But still, I will always choose being tired over going crazy not being able to sleep for days in a row. In some cases when my insomnia gets extreme I become self destructive with my desperate attempts to just be able to sleep. Being tired is better than feeling mentally and physically miserable while your mind doesn't listen to your body to shut down. It scares me to think of how I will manage the rest of my life this way. Sleeping is suppose to be a natural instinct or function but I can't seem to perform such a simple task. It's almost equivalent to not knowing how to breathe. I don't know how to sleep or shut myself off. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Work wasn't particularly interesting today. I wouldn't call it a shitty day entirely. Why? simply because I got through it, its over with. But none the less- it was pretty shitty, it feels like the female manager is always breathing down my back about every little thing. Sure, just because I'm not your bff or family its okay to give me grief over things that has nothing to do with me. The servers in this place have to get desserts and decorate it ourselves. So I was on the way to the freezer room- really it's like fucking walking into a freezer and shutting yourself inside it. I'm surprise I'm not sick yet from going in and out of that room. As I open the door, the female manager was inside. Lucky me, being the first person in sight as she throws a tantrum kicking empty boxes out of the room. "You can't just dig through the freezer and leave a mess. This is the second week of work, I shouldn't have to keep telling you what to do. I can easily find a replacement." Bitch, has the thought come across your head that there are multiple servers and other people in "training". What is this? fucking kill on sight? I'm not the only one who has to come into this freezing hell hole.

Someone dug through the freezer room and left things in a pile of mess, or it accumulated over the week during busy nights. I happen to be the waitress that has the highest sales with up-selling desserts but that does not mean I'm the one responsible for people digging through the freezer room like a wild boar. Its already torture enough that I have to go into a negative freezing cold air tight room to find the desserts, my job description does not entail cleaning up after other incompetent people (the servers who are family and gets away with everything). I wasn't exactly sure what to say besides "Okay..." Arguing and being defensive just seems to be a waste of time and petty. Shes just another one of those people. It won't do me any good between co-workers and this workplace in general to give her a logical argument anyway. Its a lose-lose situation. No one likes the tattletale, not that I know who the hell did it anyway.  I'm already busy enough with my section so its not like I'm keeping a tab on what other servers are doing and how they are doing things.

This women changes instantly by the minute. Everything is just peachy when I'm settling the check for my tables when just one hour ago shes lashing out at me implying she can fire me. Well no shit you can fire me, that's why I have to put up with you when the only thing you do is constantly spew garbage. I don't think I'd be too broken up about it if I get fired over someone else's mess. In fact, she'd be doing me a favor since I've been thinking of a way to resign gracefully when the time comes to move on. I don't plan on staying in the long run. The thought of me walking out right then and there did run through my head but its unnecessarily dramatic and the only reason I accepted the job at this location to begin with was to build up my resume in this field. Maybe without an outsider in the equation, she'll realize how capable her family and friend servers are. There should be a universal font for sarcasm. There won't be anyone to take the hit when someone fucks up or when she gets stressed out, not until she finds the next poor old bastard who can put up with it.

So I just realize Christmas is at the end of this week... none of my presents will make it in time. Shipping overseas is such a pain in the ass. Well, happy unbirthdays it is.

& What the fuck? Its almost 5am and I just got a text from the female manager telling me I don't have to go in for the Sunday night shift. Fine with me, Sunday seems to be slow since people usually rest at home and work the following day. Its still strange she text messages me so late in the night. Shes probably catching onto the vibe that I mega loathe her. (I use hate too much! It has lost its impact)  I guess I'll try to finish doing the rest of my Christmas shopping tomorrow, ugh.

Labels: communication, mental, relationships, sleep, truths, work

This morning started out bad from the moment my crappy old phone started going off. I still use my old phone as an alarm since I haven't been as proactive as I should be about calling T-Mobile to get my plan fixed so I can use a new phone. Somehow the option to turn off the alarm didn't work and I was really just too exhausted to look through the phone. I ended up snoozing the phone at least 60 times. It was a bit obscure since it goes off every minute after I press snooze. I was basically in zombie mode while it kept going off for over an hour. I had the phone in my hand and instinctively pressed snooze every minute and getting another 59 seconds of shut eye. Momo has been jumping off the bed in the middle of the night lately also then end up barking at me to pick her back up on the bed multiple times a night. Its been happening a lot lately, shes killing me. I'm usually too tired to get mad about it but its getting on my nerves now that I think about it in a fully conscious state.

I added 'Mary Stayed Out All Night Long' (thanks A) to my list of 10 different things I'm watching at the same time. I'm boring. Lately I haven't been doing anything but trying to write down my entries to help with my memory and organizing my thoughts or watching random things. Even just trying to write down my day in a manner that's somewhat comprehensible is becoming a chore. On the other hand I guess it does help me organize my thoughts a bit. I'm required to talk to a therapist because of a breakdown I had a while back and she mentioned that I seem to be able to at least identify a bit more of what I need or want to say. In response, I told her its simply because I've been chronicling my thoughts and days like a little girl in writing so I basically repeat a majority of what I've already come to recognize. Next time I should just print my entries and email it to her, save myself the entire session of paraphrasing my entries to her.

Nothing extravagant or exciting as usual. Especially when I get off night shifts I just let something play as I write. This drama is another one of those lighthearted romantic comedies involving a poor girl, indie rock star and a rich guy. A bit cliche but I'm actually enjoying it even though I've only got through a few episodes so far. I hope it doesn't get too annoying complicated with misunderstandings like they always do in Korean dramas. There isn't any actors in this series I can't stand to watch so I'm not constantly annoyed at a specific character simply because I hate the actress. Jang Geun Suk from You're Beautiful is one of the mean leads in this as well. So that's plus points for eye candy. Oh, so this song came on in the drama and I've had it on repeat since, it's so addicting.

I can't seem to find the actual clip of him performing it in the drama, but this will have to do. Just look at the guy, Korean Hyde!
I hate it when rock stars stand there like a log and sing. It's boring, so either their voice must be pretty fucking awesome or you don't do that, doesn't really work out live anyway. Hes a really good performer on stage, I'd go to his performance if he did a live in NYC. Just kinda makes me miss going to indie performances at bars and lounges. Why don't I do that anymore. I really think this guy should start a rock band. Hands down, I swear hes the Korean version of Hyde. Hes a good performer and I love his voice. Soft spot for guys with slightly deep raspy voices like that? I don't know. Ideally the super Korean rock band = him as a Vocalist + guitarist and No Min Woo as the drummer or guitarist. Would be perfect.

When I talk about how attractive I think someone is whether they're male or female it always brings me back to a conversation I had with a friend.


Friend:
Have you ever had a moment where...
you see this incredibly attractive person and you just think to yourself,
"Oh damn... I'd do em"?
I mean "I'd do em"
You don't know the person
Me:
Hmm not specifically that,
I mean if someone is attractive I would acknowledge that they're attractive...
Friend:
but have you ever had a moment like oh damn...
i'd do him not just acknowledgement
Me:
No, I don't think so
It's not like my ovaries is tingling or anything
and I'm thinking I'd do him
Friend: wth...wtf?! LOL
Me: Female version of a boner?

I'd like to add the disclaimer that occasional rock star fangirling doesn't count since its not going to happen.

I really should start going to strand or other indie used book stores in person instead of ordering used books online. The shipping fees + book itself is starting to add up even at a reduced price. I still haven't gotten around to ordering Lolita by: Vladimir Nabokov and The Tale of the Rose: The Passion That Inspired The Little Prince by: Consuelo de Saint-Exupery yet. I should just go hunting for them in bookstores I usually wander around in, but it's such a headache trying to pin down a specific book I still haven't figured out the system they use to organize and section the books. Being me, I refuse to talk to an employee because I just don't like asking for assistance when it comes to purchasing things, because its personal. Asking someone for a book I want to read is pretty much equivalent to asking some random dude who works at a pharmacy wheres the tampons or something of that nature to me. I don't know why.


Then there's the pile of books I'm still reading. I don't know why I still couldn't bring myself to finish Momo yet. Its almost as if I'm afraid to find out how its going to end. Reading it is making me crazy depress about the corporate world. Or maybe I do have ADHD or something because I can't seem to stick to watching 1 thing or reading 1 thing at a time. It's always at least 5 different things of the same activity at a time. In fact, that applies to pretty much everything I do, I just get myself tangled up in everything I do. Can't be arsed to try and find out though. I rather live in blissful ignorance.

I'm starting to notice that a lot of places started removing mirrors from the ladies' room especially public places. Very smart, but it sucks for us. I guess its so there won't be a mile long lines for the restroom since women probably spent more time in front of the mirror fixing their makeup than actually using the bathroom. It really doesn't take that long to pee.

It's December... I really hope it snows more soon. The one thing I never get sick of about NYC is the city during Christmas. I miss having a coffee in the middle of a freezing street, people watching, slow walks and talks or just breathing in the piercing cold but refreshing air. I haven't had the chance to walk down the city streets with all the decorative lights this year yet. The notion of it is just nostalgic to me and holds so many memories. I'd like to do that more often with the year coming to an end soon whether its by myself and with another person.

Labels: books, christmas, dramas, media, nyc, random, sleep

I couldn't sleep at all last night. I tried the new medicine the doc put me on and it just made things worst. I dozed off around 6am and "woke up" around 11am. The thing is, I was awake way before I actually managed to get myself up. It was just one of those days where you wake up with a migraine and your whole body hurts, you just cant move. Wake up a painful vegetable. I didn't have the willpower to sit up.

Rolling off the bed and crawling is not an option. Momo is always in the way. My bed is not big enough, everything is so restricting since I can barely move without crushing the ball of fur next to me -_- It's one of those single beds that kids probably sleep in. Yes, I fit in them, I'm fucking short, okay? I think my bed size pretty much screams "Forever Alone". Fml. Momo has her own bed but she never sleeps or go in there unless I'm not home or she does something bad and I yell at her. Then she'd run full speed and hide in her mini room.


So lets start over again, today started out with too much sunshine and pain. The migraine slowly transitioned into a day long headache after I took whatever painkillers I could find. All over the counter, it's probably just the placebo effect in this case. I don't think I'm even going to bother taking the new medicine she prescribed. I have a feeling all these things shes throwing at me is doing more harm than good. It actually made things worst.

I didn't do anything productive today as I originally planned. I have a mountain of clothes on my drawers and bed I need to organize. My life is starting to feel cluttered again lately, both physically and mentally. I need to clean up this bomb shelter I live in and donate more things. I need to make a call to the salvation army again to clear everything out.


I think if I ever own my own condo or house, the first thing I'd get is one of those crazy awesome huge wall closet organizers they have at Ikea or interior designers do. It's the perfect setup for someone obsessive but messy like me. If only I was rich or had rich parents. I want a room as a closet.


So instead of cleaning up, I spent most of the day dazing out and online window shopping. Almost everything I really want is out of stock or discontinued. Very sad, not that I could afford most of it. I started organizing a wishlist that I'm also using as a shopping list for things I plan on getting in the future. I've been spending too much lately. So out of curiosity I sat down and went over my budget and expenses, based on my credit card and Paypal transactions only. So this doesn't even actually reflect on my cash expenses like going out with friends, establishments that don't accept cards and other small things.


Drugstores/Pharmacy Products: $420
Ebay: $382
Shopping: $384
Transportation: $254
Food: $415
Momo: $75
Books: $125
Internet: $157
Phone bills: $447

Then there are these items I've been eyeing for a while but...
"Order Total: US $ 111.52 + Shipping Fees: US $ 89.28"
The fuck, shipping is so expensive. Sigh.



So I splurged in the last two months on mostly unnecessary things. This is why I'm always broke as fuck. I hate looking over my statements. I better find another job again.

Labels: money, procrastination, shopping, sleep

Grandma you are wrong. The answer to sleeping isn't counting sheeps, but I'll forgive because you're an old fashion lady. Plus I find it rather cute when I imagine you counting sheeps when you try to sleep. But you see, counting sheeps doesn't help and I can't seem to keep up with the damn numbers. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 11, uh what the fuck...where am I up to again? I wonder who came up with the stupid idea of counting sheeps anyway. Fuck. Now I'll have to get up and google this. The monitor is blinding. It's actually more work trying to keep track of whatever the fuck number you're on than to just settle and be a cabbage for the night. What haven't I done out of desperation. Great, now my head hurts because my memory has been shit. I don't really know what to blame that on to be honest. It maybe because I try not to think too much and slowly my brain has become dysfunctional. I didn't want to believe those pricks who preach that education should always be continuous. If you've been out of school for too long, you'll never go back. Fuck it, I don't want to believe it. Not until I really try and ultimately fail, then I may come to terms with it. I'm still holding on by a string but not going for it entirely because trying actually means I'll find out once and for all if I'm actually hopeless after all. It's already on my to do list. Now I just have to grow some balls and actually do it.

In the other hand, it may be the excessive ambien use, or the nights when I forget and take a couple more like it's candy. I'm addicted, but I'm more addicted to the idea of actually having a piece of mind that I'll be able to sleep and not think to myself staring at the ceiling until the sunrises. Not that morning would make a difference, it'd just be annoyingly bright. I'm never fully asleep or awake. If somehow I live long enough, I wonder whats the next 20 years of my life going to be like. Thoughts that preoccupy most of my days is "how am I going to get to sleep tonight?" Well, I don't want to spend my entire fucking day worrying about how I'm going to sleep. It's a natural process, I should be able to do it. Sleep is my handicap. Just go the fuck to sleep. Not working.

It simply started with me trying her prescription. It was fucking magic. I've never been put out like that, sleep whenever you want? What the hell? Best thing since sliced bread. It's my cure for cancer. She never fought me about it either, mostly because she was never around or had the time to confront me. She knew I was doing it, I just gave her constant excuses of how it'll help me get my life together. It didn't, it just helped me get through the day knowing, "If I just get through this shit, at least I can call it a day", then shut myself off at my convenience. Fucking perfect.

Then there was the night I broke down, I called her. And you can bet I freaked the fuck out. I was hysterical. Just jabbering on about how I can't take it anymore. She told me she couldn't enable me anymore. That she realized she's helping me kill myself. I hated her and resented her so much, for not buying into my bullshit. She said I needed help or at least go in for a check up. It went from screaming and anger to crying. Both of us. I haven't seen you cry in a long time. I don't know if I cried because it was the first time since I was hospitalized that she showed she cared about me, its been 6 years since then. Or if I was crying because I resented her and most of what I can think about is how can she do this to me. How can she let me stay in this hell, this shithole I dug myself into. I did this to myself, but what haven't I tried. I finally found an answer but it wasn't the solution.



But hey, guess what? I still fucking love you. You just don't know it.

I guess it's kind of like men who have sex without a condom for the first time. They never want to use it again after that experience but that's how you fuck your life up. Kids, ew. Well, in my case, I had my first taste, found a temporary cure but it fucked me over anyway. Kids without the kids! I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

After a week of cleaning, yes cleaning and you know what that means. Apocalypse now. I finally got hauled off to the doctor. I've always avoided doctors, I was registered under my pediatrician since I was 5 until I was 20, hah. He still doesn't know anything about me. You're a good man, just stop trying to give me tylenol for everything. The man would give me tylenol if I showed up in his office with a bullet right in me. Stop patronizing me because of age, life or future. It's already fucked up. The last thing he said to me was "Wow, you've really grown into a woman now." And that was the last time I saw him. I'm such an asshole, I should have bought him some chocolates or whatever doctors enjoy eating. Organic chocolates? Spinach and caviar? Who the hell knows.

I transferred to one of those ancient doctors who should have checked out long ago, but it's ok, we won't be seeing eachother much. He's this old man that's always nodding and repeatedly saying "hokay...mhm.." then sighed occasionally nodding his head. I still wonder if he knows what the fuck I'm trying to tell him half the time. It's impersonal, but it's ok. I'm not trying to be your best friend, just fix me. At least physically. So I got a referral. Lo and behold, I got put on the same shit. It's ok, it was what I was aiming for anyway, but I've been looking for something different. These pills aren't working anymore.

Sorry, I'm a bastard. Just please be happy yourself. I'll try to pretend to be normal for you. I know times were hard.

I've been experimenting with different medicine that may help me sleep and finally tamper off ambien. Unfortunately my psychiatrist is a grimmy bitch. Well, she wasn't to begin with but as of the day before yesterday, she is.

"I can't put you on both of these medicines because they can become addictive so we have to work out which one you need to be on."  Okay, that's fine, you're just going to torture me for another month trying different garbage to cover your ass. It's the system, whatever. Then comes the part that fucking blew my mind. I was speechless. "Also, because your father was an alcoholic, you'd probably be more susceptible to getting addicted to things easily." ...really?

What. The. Fuck.  I never use anything recreationally on a consistently and I've tried most of the shit out there multiple times. If I were to be prone to addiction, I'd be a fucking head banging hallucinating cracked out hippie by now. It's boring, I don't care for any of it.  What I do care about, is not being fucking miserable all day trying to get by the hour. For that, I will try just about anything even if it includes someone punching me in the face to knock me out cold. Oh wait, there is one thing or a few things I have no self control about: procrastination, competitively gaming and smoking. I acknowledged it and quit playing anything all together. Damn, can't be fucking pro now but none of those bad habits will lead me to waking up naked in a poncho at some dump. So it's all good. Really, it's all good. Not really.

I wasn't sure if I should have flipped the fuck out right there, throw a fit or have a tantrum. I was at lost for words and my mind went blank. It wasn't until after I left the office that the scenario kept playing in my head over and over again. As usual, best fucking broken record ever. Now in addition to resenting her and being bitter, I also get to hate myself. I should have said something. Why can't you fucking just say it. "It's okay if you want to use my well-being, my life or my yet to exist future as an excuse. But do not fucking associate or put me in the same category as my father. You should know better than to say this to your patients. You should take your PhD and shove it up your ass." Nope, I was just dumbfounded and left. And now I can't forgive myself, "so why didn't you say shit, captain courage?" ..fuck you brain.

Labels: depression, doctors, health, insomnia, sick, sleep

Grandma you are wrong. The answer to sleeping isn't counting sheeps, but I'll forgive because you're an old fashion lady. Plus I find it rather cute when I imagine you counting sheeps when you try to sleep. But you see, counting sheeps doesn't help and I can't seem to keep up with the damn numbers. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 11, uh what the fuck...where am I up to again? I wonder who came up with the stupid idea of counting sheeps anyway. Fuck. Now I'll have to get up and google this. The monitor is blinding. It's actually more work trying to keep track of whatever the fuck number you're on than to just settle and be a cabbage for the night. What haven't I done out of desperation. Great, now my head hurts because my memory has been shit. I don't really know what to blame that on to be honest. It maybe because I try not to think too much and slowly my brain has become dysfunctional. I didn't want to believe those pricks who preach that education should always be continuous. If you've been out of school for too long, you'll never go back. Fuck it, I don't want to believe it. Not until I really try and ultimately fail, then I may come to terms with it. I'm still holding on by a string but not going for it entirely because trying actually means I'll find out once and for all if I'm actually hopeless after all. It's already on my to do list. Now I just have to grow some balls and actually do it.

In the other hand, it may be the excessive ambien use, or the nights when I forget and take a couple more like it's candy. I'm addicted, but I'm more addicted to the idea of actually having a piece of mind that I'll be able to sleep and not think to myself staring at the ceiling until the sunrises. Not that morning would make a difference, it'd just be annoyingly bright. I'm never fully asleep or awake. If somehow I live long enough, I wonder whats the next 20 years of my life going to be like. Thoughts that preoccupy most of my days is "how am I going to get to sleep tonight?" Well, I don't want to spend my entire fucking day worrying about how I'm going to sleep. It's a natural process, I should be able to do it. Sleep is my handicap. Just go the fuck to sleep. Not working.

It simply started with me trying her prescription. It was fucking magic. I've never been put out like that, sleep whenever you want? What the hell? Best thing since sliced bread. It's my cure for cancer. She never fought me about it either, mostly because she was never around or had the time to confront me. She knew I was doing it, I just gave her constant excuses of how it'll help me get my life together. It didn't, it just helped me get through the day knowing, "If I just get through this shit, at least I can call it a day", then shut myself off at my convenience. Fucking perfect.

Then there was the night I broke down, I called her. And you can bet I freaked the fuck out. I was hysterical. Just jabbering on about how I can't take it anymore. She told me she couldn't enable me anymore. That she realized shes helping me kill myself. I hated her and resented her so much, for not buying into my bullshit. She said I needed help or at least go in for a check up. It went from screaming and anger to crying. Both of us. I haven't seen you cry in a long time. I don't know if I cried because it was the first time since I was hospitalized that she showed she cared about me, its been 6 years since then. Or if I was crying because I resented her and most of what I can think about is how can she do this to me. How can she let me stay in this hell, this shithole I dug myself into. I did this to myself, but what haven't I tried. I finally found an answer but it wasn't the solution.



But hey, guess what? I still fucking love you. You just don't know it.

I guess it's kind of like men who have sex without a condom for the first time. They never want to use it again after that experience but that's how you fuck your life up. Kids, ew. Well, in my case, I had my first taste, found a temporary cure but it fucked me over anyway. Kids without the kids! I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

After a week of cleaning, yes cleaning and you know what that means. Apocalypse now. I finally got hauled off to the doctor. I've always avoided doctors, I was registered under my pediatrician since I was 5 until I was 20, hah. He still doesn't know anything about me. You're a good man, just stop trying to give me tylenol for everything. The man would give me tylenol if I showed up in his office with a bullet right in me. Stop patronizing me because of age, life or future. It's already fucked up. The last thing he said to me was "Wow, you've really grown into a women now." And that was the last time I saw him. I'm such an asshole, I should have bought him some chocolates or whatever doctors enjoy eating. Organic chocolates? Spinach and caviar? Who the hell knows.

I transferred to one of those ancient doctors who should have checked out long ago, but it's ok, we won't be seeing eachother much. He's this old man that's always nodding and repeatedly saying "hokay...mhm.." then sighed occasionally nodding his head. I still wonder if he knows what the fuck I'm trying to tell him half the time. It's impersonal, but it's ok. I'm not trying to be your best friend, just fix me. At least physically. So I got a referral. Lo and behold, I got put on the same shit. It's ok, it was what I was aiming for anyway, but I've been looking for something different. These pills aren't working anymore.

Sorry, I'm a bastard. Just please be happy yourself. I'll try to pretend to be normal for you. I know times were hard.

I've been experimenting with different medicine that may help me sleep and finally tamper off ambien. Unfortunately my psychiatrist is a grimmy bitch. Well, she wasn't to begin with but as of the day before yesterday, she is.

"I can't put you on both of these medicines because they can become addictive so we have to work out which one you need to be on."  Okay, that's fine, you're just going to torture me for another month trying different garbage to cover your ass. It's the system, whatever. Then comes the part that fucking blew my mind. I was speechless. "Also, because your father was an alcoholic, you'd probably be more susceptible to getting addicted to things easily." ...really?

What. The. Fuck.  I never use anything recreationally on a consistently and I've tried most of the shit out there multiple times. If I were to be prone to addiction, I'd be a fucking head banging hallucinating cracked out hippie by now. It's boring, I don't care for any of it.  What I do care about, is not being fucking miserable all day trying to get by the hour. For that, I will try just about anything even if it includes someone punching me in the face to knock me out cold. Oh wait, there is one thing or a few things I have no self control about: procrastination, competitively gaming and smoking. I acknowledged it and quit playing anything all together. Damn, can't be fucking pro now but none of those bad habits will lead me to waking up naked in a poncho at some dump. So it's all good. Really, it's all good. Not really.

I wasn't sure if I should have flipped the fuck out right there, throw a fit or have a tantrum. I was at lost for words and my mind went blank. It wasn't until after I left the office that the scenario kept playing in my head over and over again. As usual, best fucking broken record ever. Now in addition to resenting her and being bitter, I also get to hate myself. I should have said something. Why can't you fucking just say it. "It's okay if you want to use my well-being, my life or my yet to exist future as an excuse. But do not fucking associate or put me in the same category as my father. You should know better than to say this to your patients. You should take your PhD and shove it up your ass." Nope, I was just dumbfounded and left. And now I can't forgive myself, "so why didn't you say shit, captain courage?" ..fuck you brain.

Labels: doctor, insomnia, sleep, sorry