I've had way more than my share of ups and downs lately both emotionally and physically. I can't say which is worst but I've been increasingly feeling lonely and sad again. Seems like my friend depression is back and its making me feel empty and manic at the same time.  Even when I'm surrounded by a large group of people or when I'm alone with my boy friend. ''We accept the love we think we deserve." I think I really fucked up there. I was selfish and accepted and held onto a love I didn't deserve. I don't deserve to be loved, I've come to accept that there is no possible way of true love for me before in life and yet I've became so over my head mesmerized with how finally the best thing in my life has happened to me and I never want to let it go or out of my grasps for even half a second. The thing is, I'm still broken and still as fucked up as I always am and theres no reason for me to be this way other than trauma and my inability to overcome my past that still haunts me on a daily basis.


And then he came along, being the best thing and person thats ever happened to me in my life a so far and I've gone ahed and sabotage everything just by simply being me. I swear I'm not even trying or consciously aware of what I am doing but no matter what I do, it seems to be wrong. Theres always this line drawn for every person I've met in my life of how much of my bullshit cynical asshole behavior they can tolerate before they completely turn their backs and absolutely on me and want nothing to do with me anymore. And I think even he can't take it anymore. There's only so much a person can tolerate and I can see it withering apart. I wish he'd show me otherwise. Show me that I'm wrong and that he still loves me selflessly. But maybe thats just way too much to ask for. All I wanted was reassurance of your love. That's why I'm always asking questions. I'm trying to find the answer you're not giving me.

I never felt drained around him, I never felt the need to make pointless small talk, we could sit side by side in bed in silence and the moment will still feel perfectly infinite. He was me escapism. To be quite honest, I've come to rely and broke down all my walls around him so much so that I don't think I can think of a life without him anymore. I know its sad and pathetic that I can't find a reason to live for myself.


It constantly scares the fuck out of me when I observe his indifferent behavior sometimes. And all I can here in my head is my heart pounding to a point where I get panic attacks and I can no longer breathe. Just myself yelling at me "good job asshole you wanted so much of this love you don't deserve that you're driving away the one good thing in your life. You're always a fuck up and always will be a fuck up and no one will or can ever put up with your ugly personality". And now that he sees how ugly I am really inside and out, there isn't much more of any mystery in me to keep me interesting. I am nothing and I have nothing to offer. In fact, I'm just a shit load of burden. Not only am I ruining my life but I'm taking him down with me and thats that last thing I want to do. I always want to best for him nut I don't think realizes a quarter of how stronger I feel about us. Maybe I'd be doing him a favor by killing myself or ending it all so I can set him free. He deserves to be with someone much better than me. Someone good in every way, he deserves the best and I'm just garbage. I can hardly breathe thinking about all of this. We just fought and I'm so scared I can't fall asleep with this unsettled feeling of uncertainty. Are you fed up with me and sick of all my shit?

I never truly loved before so I don't know if I'm doing anything right. I'm trying my best though. Because truth be told, between the two of us, I am the reacher and he can do so much better than me in a split second. But just because I acknowledge that I am all this, it doesn't mean it kills me to see him care less by the day. I've been trying way too hard from the very beginning to please and pleasure him however he wants and whenever that now, I just feel dirty and cheap. So pathetic, but I just wanted to do everything in my power to make him feel good and I like the intimacy. Its too bad most people see the act of sex as just sex.  Maybe I'm lame and old school, but I see it as making love, making a connection and passion. But those who don't see it that way just think THat's all I care about and I have no deeper side of me other than lust. Its truly saddening; I tried too hard and now I made nothing of myself. I have no self worth. My self esteem is crushed to bits and pieces shattered all over the ground with me being the female thats constantly being shot down. Isn't it usually the opposite? That guys want it more? It just makes me think I must be really disgusting and ugly for it to be this way. Self esteem in negatives and it just keeps sinking.

Ive broken all my standards and exceptions trying to keep him happy, but somethings trying is no good enough. Its just me as an individual that's not good enough.Tonight I really wanted to find a knife and just go release all the tension and multilane my arms all over again. To see the redding blood dripping down my arms and focus on nothing but that not only upsets him, it repulses him. Oh the sharp pain knot in my heart of knowing the one you love not only do they turn their back to you and push you away. You're disgusting and repulsive to them instead of helping you. I wanted to just die right at that moment.


I want more, I want to be smothered by his love but I'm not getting it. It feels like its slowly deteriorating from the moment we starting living together the first summer. I miss all the small details an I really miss when you use to care more. This is breaking me apart all over again. I don't know if i should keep pushing to try and fight for your love. But in the end, if I have to force it upon you to come at least comfort me when I'm crying, I think you've already given up on me. It's not real if you have to beg for comfort and love all the time. It's a chore and It loses most of its purpose if you don't love me enough to yield to me when I'm a mess and crying all over the place.

My flight is in 4 days on Thursday, I really hope things get better before I leave for good this time. I have a feeling if our relationship doesn't improve and stay strong, That'll be the last of me. I probably won't be traveling and staying long visits to LA anymore since its been made clear that I'm extra burden financially and health-wish in terms of sleep. I don't have a place to call him, but either way. I'm not welcomed anywhere so I'll return to my little corner of the world and hide. Suffering it all in silence.

Labels: alone, bad days, California, drama, escapism, falling, insanity, insomnia, lost, love, mentality, miserable, mistakes, nyc, questions, self destructive, self-esteem

This morning started out bad from the moment my crappy old phone started going off. I still use my old phone as an alarm since I haven't been as proactive as I should be about calling T-Mobile to get my plan fixed so I can use a new phone. Somehow the option to turn off the alarm didn't work and I was really just too exhausted to look through the phone. I ended up snoozing the phone at least 60 times. It was a bit obscure since it goes off every minute after I press snooze. I was basically in zombie mode while it kept going off for over an hour. I had the phone in my hand and instinctively pressed snooze every minute and getting another 59 seconds of shut eye. Momo has been jumping off the bed in the middle of the night lately also then end up barking at me to pick her back up on the bed multiple times a night. Its been happening a lot lately, shes killing me. I'm usually too tired to get mad about it but its getting on my nerves now that I think about it in a fully conscious state.

I added 'Mary Stayed Out All Night Long' (thanks A) to my list of 10 different things I'm watching at the same time. I'm boring. Lately I haven't been doing anything but trying to write down my entries to help with my memory and organizing my thoughts or watching random things. Even just trying to write down my day in a manner that's somewhat comprehensible is becoming a chore. On the other hand I guess it does help me organize my thoughts a bit. I'm required to talk to a therapist because of a breakdown I had a while back and she mentioned that I seem to be able to at least identify a bit more of what I need or want to say. In response, I told her its simply because I've been chronicling my thoughts and days like a little girl in writing so I basically repeat a majority of what I've already come to recognize. Next time I should just print my entries and email it to her, save myself the entire session of paraphrasing my entries to her.

Nothing extravagant or exciting as usual. Especially when I get off night shifts I just let something play as I write. This drama is another one of those lighthearted romantic comedies involving a poor girl, indie rock star and a rich guy. A bit cliche but I'm actually enjoying it even though I've only got through a few episodes so far. I hope it doesn't get too annoying complicated with misunderstandings like they always do in Korean dramas. There isn't any actors in this series I can't stand to watch so I'm not constantly annoyed at a specific character simply because I hate the actress. Jang Geun Suk from You're Beautiful is one of the mean leads in this as well. So that's plus points for eye candy. Oh, so this song came on in the drama and I've had it on repeat since, it's so addicting.

I can't seem to find the actual clip of him performing it in the drama, but this will have to do. Just look at the guy, Korean Hyde!
I hate it when rock stars stand there like a log and sing. It's boring, so either their voice must be pretty fucking awesome or you don't do that, doesn't really work out live anyway. Hes a really good performer on stage, I'd go to his performance if he did a live in NYC. Just kinda makes me miss going to indie performances at bars and lounges. Why don't I do that anymore. I really think this guy should start a rock band. Hands down, I swear hes the Korean version of Hyde. Hes a good performer and I love his voice. Soft spot for guys with slightly deep raspy voices like that? I don't know. Ideally the super Korean rock band = him as a Vocalist + guitarist and No Min Woo as the drummer or guitarist. Would be perfect.

When I talk about how attractive I think someone is whether they're male or female it always brings me back to a conversation I had with a friend.


Friend:
Have you ever had a moment where...
you see this incredibly attractive person and you just think to yourself,
"Oh damn... I'd do em"?
I mean "I'd do em"
You don't know the person
Me:
Hmm not specifically that,
I mean if someone is attractive I would acknowledge that they're attractive...
Friend:
but have you ever had a moment like oh damn...
i'd do him not just acknowledgement
Me:
No, I don't think so
It's not like my ovaries is tingling or anything
and I'm thinking I'd do him
Friend: wth...wtf?! LOL
Me: Female version of a boner?

I'd like to add the disclaimer that occasional rock star fangirling doesn't count since its not going to happen.

I really should start going to strand or other indie used book stores in person instead of ordering used books online. The shipping fees + book itself is starting to add up even at a reduced price. I still haven't gotten around to ordering Lolita by: Vladimir Nabokov and The Tale of the Rose: The Passion That Inspired The Little Prince by: Consuelo de Saint-Exupery yet. I should just go hunting for them in bookstores I usually wander around in, but it's such a headache trying to pin down a specific book I still haven't figured out the system they use to organize and section the books. Being me, I refuse to talk to an employee because I just don't like asking for assistance when it comes to purchasing things, because its personal. Asking someone for a book I want to read is pretty much equivalent to asking some random dude who works at a pharmacy wheres the tampons or something of that nature to me. I don't know why.


Then there's the pile of books I'm still reading. I don't know why I still couldn't bring myself to finish Momo yet. Its almost as if I'm afraid to find out how its going to end. Reading it is making me crazy depress about the corporate world. Or maybe I do have ADHD or something because I can't seem to stick to watching 1 thing or reading 1 thing at a time. It's always at least 5 different things of the same activity at a time. In fact, that applies to pretty much everything I do, I just get myself tangled up in everything I do. Can't be arsed to try and find out though. I rather live in blissful ignorance.

I'm starting to notice that a lot of places started removing mirrors from the ladies' room especially public places. Very smart, but it sucks for us. I guess its so there won't be a mile long lines for the restroom since women probably spent more time in front of the mirror fixing their makeup than actually using the bathroom. It really doesn't take that long to pee.

It's December... I really hope it snows more soon. The one thing I never get sick of about NYC is the city during Christmas. I miss having a coffee in the middle of a freezing street, people watching, slow walks and talks or just breathing in the piercing cold but refreshing air. I haven't had the chance to walk down the city streets with all the decorative lights this year yet. The notion of it is just nostalgic to me and holds so many memories. I'd like to do that more often with the year coming to an end soon whether its by myself and with another person.

Labels: books, christmas, dramas, media, nyc, random, sleep