“here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.”
― Haruki Murakami

Its been a battle just trying to get some time on the phone with him and every time I finally do get permission which is rather said because otherwise without it, all my calls are ignored. The entire phone call just starts with hostility. I don't know where it is coming from, it only makes me think you hate me now. Theres no more exceptions. But even towards are stranger you aren't so harsh. Thats why I can't hold back the tears, hearing your hatred and annoyance in your voice simply because you have to take my phone call is very disheartening. Every word pierces like a needle with your anger and tone. Theres not the slightest tone of remorse of a lost love or that I was loved at all. Usually I don't put up with people who treat me like shit, but time and time again I try to get across to you facing your anger. You don't even realize I'm already changing all my standards and self respect for you. You think you can hear it by tone or life decisions, but you'll never really know all of it. I'm willing to take all the hits as long as I get to stay a part of your life, even if its an insignificant part out of pity. We say we're going to take some time off; I know for sure I'll never love anyone like I do you, but you already brought up the part of moving on to new people who makes us happier. I thought I made you happy or you loved me for the way I made you feel. So if you're actively looking for a new love while I;n loyally waiting for yours, what do I do then? Winter break, spring break, all of it is still not enough time for you. When is there enough time? I don't want to be led on with illusions of a second chance and left even more broken.


I can see you deleting me from all the parts of your life already. So I erased myself from face book entirely. I only wrote and updated about us to begin with. I have no use for it anymore. Have you realized your life is a lot simpler and happier without me existing in your world? I don't see any reason otherwise to your constant harsh tone filled with discontent and annoyance. There was a time when you wanted me to talk to you and make my whole world about you. Now that it is, my whole world is falling apart. I gave you everything I had mentally and physically. but the happiness I thought we had wasn't enough to keep you here. I feel like such a fool. Stupid Stupid girl. I always feel for your pretty words and you can lie to me and deceive me and I'll probably still fall for it anyway because I've given up all my self respect to make you happy. You never realized it or acknowledge it. Or else we wouldn't be at this point where you're telling me I am poison and will never change. I've changed so much more than you know inside and out in order to please you. I'm just a foolish girl in the end.  I gave you myself and now it feels like you threw my heart on the pavement, stepped all over it, and backed up your car a few times over it.

“But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
― Haruki Murakami

“I want you always to remember me. Will you remember that I existed, and that I stood next to you here like this?” ― Haruki Murakami

When did I mean so little that you can discard me just like that at first without even a thought of trying. Am I the only one whose stupid and refuse to let go because I believe we owe it to ourselves to give it a try? If you're actively looking for a new love that will please you  mentally and physically in all the ways you want without speaking back to you, I'll still wait in the background. I've waiting for 8 years watching you love and live your life with someone else in silence. Its selfish to only want someone who never speaks back and  is best for you because they treat you well and need you. Its all about your satisfaction. But what about the other person? will you love them simply because they are like your pet and obey you in every sense?  You love them because they love you? Or would you rather love someone not out of selfishness but truly love someone because they are the amazing person you always thought them to be, even if they aren't what you need from a relationship thats all about you.

 You were hurt and made a huge deal when I broke several promises, but you broke every single promise you made to me since day one doing this and I can still find it in my heart to forgive you. But I'm still holding onto your promises. You're a man of your word right? then stop taking the easy way out like I'm so disposing whore.who means nothing so you can brush off and trash me anytime. If you love someone fight for them if you don't even put up a struggle and fight, that only tells the world, yourself and me that person didn't mean much to you to begin with. Its frustrating no matter how you try to justify your actions. And most of all, it hurts. It pains me to every part of me to see thats all I was worth.



Despite everything, It's only about what you believe to be true and the correct approach. Just you and your stubborn believes that your words and thoughts are absolute. Are you not capable of mistakes? Are you god? Is it only your way or the highway?Either way it feels like I'm getting run over and trampled by things flying by me. So why don't you just pull the trigger because I'm slowly dying by your hands and relentless beliefs in your own point of view.

I'm willing to compromise everything and to try everything, but why is it that you can just stomp around in anger without doing your part of what we need to improve. It's not just all me, so please stop treating me like shit every time I try to get through to you and have a solid understand on both sides. The way you act and behave. The way you constantly try to get away and hang up. It'd all so harsh, do you see or hear yourself? I do. But I still love you. I never said I was smart but everything you've done to me and got me to believe has opened up a pandora's box I can't close. And it's all for you. Ive chanced a lot more than you recognize over all this time, you're just blinded by whatever it is you want to call how you treat me to acknowledge any of it.



Either way, I'm waiting for you and my voice never to reach you changes into a sad song. I think for now, I'll just bury myself with school since I'm literally all alone. Theres no one reaching out to me and there is no longer anyone I can reach out to for help and support anymore. I feel like I have zero friends and nobody in my life as always. But its nothing new. I'll just pretend I woke up from a really long dream and I'm back to where I was. No matter how much suffering I went through I never want to let go of these memories. As long as you remember me, I don't care of everyone else forgets.

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star. It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.” ― Haruki Murakami

Labels: alone, apathetic, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., lost, relationships, sad, self-esteem, sorrow, tired, truths

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do anything.
I feel completely helpless and more vulnerable than I've ever been.
This is going to be the longest week of my life.

Just don't ever forget our bond and love for each other and how its above everything.

I hope the right decision is made after all we've been through all these years. You can't say you love somebody and do something so cruel without any remorse or trying; crushing them to dust because I'm already broken. I can't handle anymore of it.

If it's all taken away, I no longer have a purpose in life. The future we dreamt of together ends before it even started. Don't you see that we haven't even started the rest of our lives yet, this is just the beginning and the stepping stone to our relationship and theres bond be mistakes in the beginning. But we will learn from them.and learn to love more.

Love is above all that remorse and grief. We were just so naive but we can take this as a lesson. Never take the amazing person you fell in love for granted and find that unconditional love.

We deserve way more than a chance at happiness together because we're meant to be. I fell for the person you were before all of this and under it all, I'll always love you for who you are, regardless.The universe and the world is such a large place and out of billions of people and after a decade, life brought us together and I've never stopped loving you. This merits a lot more than just not giving a shit anymore and throwing in the towel.

I hope he comes around and understand what I'm trying to say. We belong together.

Labels: alone, bad days, bad habits, beginning, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, falling, frustration, fucked up, hurt, insomnia, life, lost, love

I've had way more than my share of ups and downs lately both emotionally and physically. I can't say which is worst but I've been increasingly feeling lonely and sad again. Seems like my friend depression is back and its making me feel empty and manic at the same time.  Even when I'm surrounded by a large group of people or when I'm alone with my boy friend. ''We accept the love we think we deserve." I think I really fucked up there. I was selfish and accepted and held onto a love I didn't deserve. I don't deserve to be loved, I've come to accept that there is no possible way of true love for me before in life and yet I've became so over my head mesmerized with how finally the best thing in my life has happened to me and I never want to let it go or out of my grasps for even half a second. The thing is, I'm still broken and still as fucked up as I always am and theres no reason for me to be this way other than trauma and my inability to overcome my past that still haunts me on a daily basis.


And then he came along, being the best thing and person thats ever happened to me in my life a so far and I've gone ahed and sabotage everything just by simply being me. I swear I'm not even trying or consciously aware of what I am doing but no matter what I do, it seems to be wrong. Theres always this line drawn for every person I've met in my life of how much of my bullshit cynical asshole behavior they can tolerate before they completely turn their backs and absolutely on me and want nothing to do with me anymore. And I think even he can't take it anymore. There's only so much a person can tolerate and I can see it withering apart. I wish he'd show me otherwise. Show me that I'm wrong and that he still loves me selflessly. But maybe thats just way too much to ask for. All I wanted was reassurance of your love. That's why I'm always asking questions. I'm trying to find the answer you're not giving me.

I never felt drained around him, I never felt the need to make pointless small talk, we could sit side by side in bed in silence and the moment will still feel perfectly infinite. He was me escapism. To be quite honest, I've come to rely and broke down all my walls around him so much so that I don't think I can think of a life without him anymore. I know its sad and pathetic that I can't find a reason to live for myself.


It constantly scares the fuck out of me when I observe his indifferent behavior sometimes. And all I can here in my head is my heart pounding to a point where I get panic attacks and I can no longer breathe. Just myself yelling at me "good job asshole you wanted so much of this love you don't deserve that you're driving away the one good thing in your life. You're always a fuck up and always will be a fuck up and no one will or can ever put up with your ugly personality". And now that he sees how ugly I am really inside and out, there isn't much more of any mystery in me to keep me interesting. I am nothing and I have nothing to offer. In fact, I'm just a shit load of burden. Not only am I ruining my life but I'm taking him down with me and thats that last thing I want to do. I always want to best for him nut I don't think realizes a quarter of how stronger I feel about us. Maybe I'd be doing him a favor by killing myself or ending it all so I can set him free. He deserves to be with someone much better than me. Someone good in every way, he deserves the best and I'm just garbage. I can hardly breathe thinking about all of this. We just fought and I'm so scared I can't fall asleep with this unsettled feeling of uncertainty. Are you fed up with me and sick of all my shit?

I never truly loved before so I don't know if I'm doing anything right. I'm trying my best though. Because truth be told, between the two of us, I am the reacher and he can do so much better than me in a split second. But just because I acknowledge that I am all this, it doesn't mean it kills me to see him care less by the day. I've been trying way too hard from the very beginning to please and pleasure him however he wants and whenever that now, I just feel dirty and cheap. So pathetic, but I just wanted to do everything in my power to make him feel good and I like the intimacy. Its too bad most people see the act of sex as just sex.  Maybe I'm lame and old school, but I see it as making love, making a connection and passion. But those who don't see it that way just think THat's all I care about and I have no deeper side of me other than lust. Its truly saddening; I tried too hard and now I made nothing of myself. I have no self worth. My self esteem is crushed to bits and pieces shattered all over the ground with me being the female thats constantly being shot down. Isn't it usually the opposite? That guys want it more? It just makes me think I must be really disgusting and ugly for it to be this way. Self esteem in negatives and it just keeps sinking.

Ive broken all my standards and exceptions trying to keep him happy, but somethings trying is no good enough. Its just me as an individual that's not good enough.Tonight I really wanted to find a knife and just go release all the tension and multilane my arms all over again. To see the redding blood dripping down my arms and focus on nothing but that not only upsets him, it repulses him. Oh the sharp pain knot in my heart of knowing the one you love not only do they turn their back to you and push you away. You're disgusting and repulsive to them instead of helping you. I wanted to just die right at that moment.


I want more, I want to be smothered by his love but I'm not getting it. It feels like its slowly deteriorating from the moment we starting living together the first summer. I miss all the small details an I really miss when you use to care more. This is breaking me apart all over again. I don't know if i should keep pushing to try and fight for your love. But in the end, if I have to force it upon you to come at least comfort me when I'm crying, I think you've already given up on me. It's not real if you have to beg for comfort and love all the time. It's a chore and It loses most of its purpose if you don't love me enough to yield to me when I'm a mess and crying all over the place.

My flight is in 4 days on Thursday, I really hope things get better before I leave for good this time. I have a feeling if our relationship doesn't improve and stay strong, That'll be the last of me. I probably won't be traveling and staying long visits to LA anymore since its been made clear that I'm extra burden financially and health-wish in terms of sleep. I don't have a place to call him, but either way. I'm not welcomed anywhere so I'll return to my little corner of the world and hide. Suffering it all in silence.

Labels: alone, bad days, California, drama, escapism, falling, insanity, insomnia, lost, love, mentality, miserable, mistakes, nyc, questions, self destructive, self-esteem

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like all I can do is keep writing this gibberish to keep from breaking apart.

I'm trying not to be this way. I really am. It seems like I've been chronically stuck with Charlie Brown syndrome or something. Not sure what to do or what to think- Do I actually believe this or do I just want to believe it... it's so tiring trying to figure everything out and find a logical meaning. What appears to be the simplest always become the most complicated. I often wonder if I'm really just being stupid and delusional when it all boils down. This is why I stay apathetic, otherwise I self destruct under all the insecurities. The disease in me is overpowering. I can't keep my thoughts together anymore, I can barely keep up. I'm writing complete nonsense, I need to stop. The only way I know how to deal with this is to start isolating myself from others for minimal damage. I can't stand myself whenever I'm like this, it's repulsive.

Something really is wrong with me. And I don't know what it is.

Labels: bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, drama, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., life, mentality, ocd, self-esteem

I write like I think and... English was never one of my strong subjects. It gets worst, after I write an entry I keep re-reading it and editing it. Minor mistakes and the fact that I can't articulate a sentence at all keeps my OCD going. Read, edit, read, edit, get distracted, read, edit, read, "you're such a fucking idiot", rage quit. Then repeat. How do people go about this. I feel like I just shot myself in the fucking foot for doing this. Everything bothers me.

Starting a blog was suppose to be an outlet for me to vent. Just for myself so I can clear my mind and organize my thoughts. Apparently Dumbledore had a bowl that holds his memories for him, he just deposits it like its a fucking memory bank or something. Where can I get one of those? I wasn't sure where to begin so I started writing down random things are running through my head. I can't keep up with my mind at all. If only my days were more eventful. I'd have something to chronicle my life journeys and my awesome youthful years about. I laughed at myself writing that. It's just so my content isn't entirely me talking to myself, spewing my opinions all over the place and skipping topics. Yeah, because my feelings and opinions are more important than yours. At least here.

Labels: books, death, drama, hate

Grandma you are wrong. The answer to sleeping isn't counting sheeps, but I'll forgive because you're an old fashion lady. Plus I find it rather cute when I imagine you counting sheeps when you try to sleep. But you see, counting sheeps doesn't help and I can't seem to keep up with the damn numbers. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 11, uh what the fuck...where am I up to again? I wonder who came up with the stupid idea of counting sheeps anyway. Fuck. Now I'll have to get up and google this. The monitor is blinding. It's actually more work trying to keep track of whatever the fuck number you're on than to just settle and be a cabbage for the night. What haven't I done out of desperation. Great, now my head hurts because my memory has been shit. I don't really know what to blame that on to be honest. It maybe because I try not to think too much and slowly my brain has become dysfunctional. I didn't want to believe those pricks who preach that education should always be continuous. If you've been out of school for too long, you'll never go back. Fuck it, I don't want to believe it. Not until I really try and ultimately fail, then I may come to terms with it. I'm still holding on by a string but not going for it entirely because trying actually means I'll find out once and for all if I'm actually hopeless after all. It's already on my to do list. Now I just have to grow some balls and actually do it.

In the other hand, it may be the excessive ambien use, or the nights when I forget and take a couple more like it's candy. I'm addicted, but I'm more addicted to the idea of actually having a piece of mind that I'll be able to sleep and not think to myself staring at the ceiling until the sunrises. Not that morning would make a difference, it'd just be annoyingly bright. I'm never fully asleep or awake. If somehow I live long enough, I wonder whats the next 20 years of my life going to be like. Thoughts that preoccupy most of my days is "how am I going to get to sleep tonight?" Well, I don't want to spend my entire fucking day worrying about how I'm going to sleep. It's a natural process, I should be able to do it. Sleep is my handicap. Just go the fuck to sleep. Not working.

It simply started with me trying her prescription. It was fucking magic. I've never been put out like that, sleep whenever you want? What the hell? Best thing since sliced bread. It's my cure for cancer. She never fought me about it either, mostly because she was never around or had the time to confront me. She knew I was doing it, I just gave her constant excuses of how it'll help me get my life together. It didn't, it just helped me get through the day knowing, "If I just get through this shit, at least I can call it a day", then shut myself off at my convenience. Fucking perfect.

Then there was the night I broke down, I called her. And you can bet I freaked the fuck out. I was hysterical. Just jabbering on about how I can't take it anymore. She told me she couldn't enable me anymore. That she realized she's helping me kill myself. I hated her and resented her so much, for not buying into my bullshit. She said I needed help or at least go in for a check up. It went from screaming and anger to crying. Both of us. I haven't seen you cry in a long time. I don't know if I cried because it was the first time since I was hospitalized that she showed she cared about me, its been 6 years since then. Or if I was crying because I resented her and most of what I can think about is how can she do this to me. How can she let me stay in this hell, this shithole I dug myself into. I did this to myself, but what haven't I tried. I finally found an answer but it wasn't the solution.



But hey, guess what? I still fucking love you. You just don't know it.

I guess it's kind of like men who have sex without a condom for the first time. They never want to use it again after that experience but that's how you fuck your life up. Kids, ew. Well, in my case, I had my first taste, found a temporary cure but it fucked me over anyway. Kids without the kids! I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

After a week of cleaning, yes cleaning and you know what that means. Apocalypse now. I finally got hauled off to the doctor. I've always avoided doctors, I was registered under my pediatrician since I was 5 until I was 20, hah. He still doesn't know anything about me. You're a good man, just stop trying to give me tylenol for everything. The man would give me tylenol if I showed up in his office with a bullet right in me. Stop patronizing me because of age, life or future. It's already fucked up. The last thing he said to me was "Wow, you've really grown into a woman now." And that was the last time I saw him. I'm such an asshole, I should have bought him some chocolates or whatever doctors enjoy eating. Organic chocolates? Spinach and caviar? Who the hell knows.

I transferred to one of those ancient doctors who should have checked out long ago, but it's ok, we won't be seeing eachother much. He's this old man that's always nodding and repeatedly saying "hokay...mhm.." then sighed occasionally nodding his head. I still wonder if he knows what the fuck I'm trying to tell him half the time. It's impersonal, but it's ok. I'm not trying to be your best friend, just fix me. At least physically. So I got a referral. Lo and behold, I got put on the same shit. It's ok, it was what I was aiming for anyway, but I've been looking for something different. These pills aren't working anymore.

Sorry, I'm a bastard. Just please be happy yourself. I'll try to pretend to be normal for you. I know times were hard.

I've been experimenting with different medicine that may help me sleep and finally tamper off ambien. Unfortunately my psychiatrist is a grimmy bitch. Well, she wasn't to begin with but as of the day before yesterday, she is.

"I can't put you on both of these medicines because they can become addictive so we have to work out which one you need to be on."  Okay, that's fine, you're just going to torture me for another month trying different garbage to cover your ass. It's the system, whatever. Then comes the part that fucking blew my mind. I was speechless. "Also, because your father was an alcoholic, you'd probably be more susceptible to getting addicted to things easily." ...really?

What. The. Fuck.  I never use anything recreationally on a consistently and I've tried most of the shit out there multiple times. If I were to be prone to addiction, I'd be a fucking head banging hallucinating cracked out hippie by now. It's boring, I don't care for any of it.  What I do care about, is not being fucking miserable all day trying to get by the hour. For that, I will try just about anything even if it includes someone punching me in the face to knock me out cold. Oh wait, there is one thing or a few things I have no self control about: procrastination, competitively gaming and smoking. I acknowledged it and quit playing anything all together. Damn, can't be fucking pro now but none of those bad habits will lead me to waking up naked in a poncho at some dump. So it's all good. Really, it's all good. Not really.

I wasn't sure if I should have flipped the fuck out right there, throw a fit or have a tantrum. I was at lost for words and my mind went blank. It wasn't until after I left the office that the scenario kept playing in my head over and over again. As usual, best fucking broken record ever. Now in addition to resenting her and being bitter, I also get to hate myself. I should have said something. Why can't you fucking just say it. "It's okay if you want to use my well-being, my life or my yet to exist future as an excuse. But do not fucking associate or put me in the same category as my father. You should know better than to say this to your patients. You should take your PhD and shove it up your ass." Nope, I was just dumbfounded and left. And now I can't forgive myself, "so why didn't you say shit, captain courage?" ..fuck you brain.

Labels: books, death, drama, failure, hate, kamekaze girls, ozaki, sports, yoko kanno

I write like I think and... English was never one of my strong subjects. It gets worst, after I write an entry I keep re-reading it and editing it. Minor mistakes and the fact that I can't articulate a sentence at all keeps my OCD going. Read, edit, read, edit, get distracted, read, edit, read, "you're such a fucking idiot", rage quit. Then repeat. How do people go about this. I feel like I just shot myself in the fucking foot for doing this. Everything bothers me.

Starting a blog was suppose to be an outlet for me to vent. Just for myself so I can clear my mind and organize my thoughts. Apparently Dumbledore had a bowl that holds his memories for him, he just deposits it like its a fucking memory bank or something. Where can I get one of those? I wasn't sure where to begin so I started writing down random things are running through my head. I can't keep up with my mind at all. If only my days were more eventful. I'd have something to chronicle my life journeys and my awesome youthful years about. I laughed at myself writing that. It's just so my content isn't entirely me talking to myself, spewing my opinions all over the place and skipping topics. Yeah, because my feelings and opinions are more important than yours. At least here.

Labels: books, death, drama, hate