I write here for myself to keep my thoughts organized about my personal uneventful life and everything
else in between. I speak Engrish for the most part. So if you're a judging close minded asshole or
excessively annoying grammar nazi - fuck you, shut up and go away. This is my place, my rules. Keep
your shoes on.
 
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Thursday, October 10, 2013 @ 5:54 AM
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I don't know what’s wrong with me. It's like all I can do is write gibberish to keep from breaking apart. Should I be happy that we're friends? Or should I cry because that's all we'll ever going to be now? People think that if you love somebody unconditionally and hard enough then everything is just going to work out. Well, people are wrong. I guess my love wasn't enough for you. It wasn't enough to keep you. This only reminds me of what I’ve mistaken myself for; I became so delusional thanks to you that I came to a point where I thought for once maybe I am worth something. But it was all a lie. I am nothing and still am nothing. I am easily forgettable and just as easily dispensable as I always was and still am. All I am to you now is a stain you want to erase. With everything going on and whats happened, I feel cheated. Just because I'm in a distance it doesn't meant that should be taken advantage of, to try to break up over the phone and hang up and refuse to answer calls. I thought our love merits more than that. That we owe it to each other to do this in person and talk this out in person, but I got totally shut down.
I can't help but feel like I was nothing. I didn't triumph or mean anything more than any of his ex's. At least he gave them changes and did it in person. It's so cruel. How can anyone say they never loved anyone so much and pull this? I wasn't given even 1/8 the chance he gave his past girlfriends who "didn't mean anything". But I actually in face feel like I mean nothing with all the dead bolt stops and lack of consideration. If you say you never loved as you have loved me before, how can you do this to me? Over the phone? Its entirely heartbreaking and frustrating. I never got a single chance. How can it be done like this... I feel so insignificant. I really wish I can see him and talk it over and be treated like an actual person. He says it hurts too much to see or talk to me, but what about me? Have you given a second to think what you've done to me at those moments. I wanted to die. At those time and even sometimes now you were so preoccupied with just how you feel or how its hard on you and hurt you, what about me...? I wonder if it ever came across for a second that it was killing me too, but you were more important to me than that.
I’m trying to get my life back together but I cant help but feel like I’m falling into a deeper dark pit in my mind as each day passes by. I know I was the one who begged pathetically for a second chance for us, that we at least owe each other that much. Nut how can there be any progress when you threat me so harshly while I’m trying my bet to yield to you like I’m walking on eggshells everyday just trying to send you a mere text I feel like I have to because what I say in cause you get pissed off and decide its not worth your time. All your pretty words are just words. Those statements that I mean more to you than anyone in your life disregarding the amount of time we’ve been together, I beat them all. I don’t think that’s true. If he was willing to try for a couple of years to make things work for a girl that he told me I mean so much more than, then why don’t our relationship merit the same chance? It should be that we’d try even harder than you have with your ex’s that I so called triumph over by miles, but that’s not the case. You were ready to just up and go, saying “I’m sorry” and hanging up as I cried begging you to not leave me hanging like this. I tried my best to be strong for the both of us for the sake of our relationship that you got me to believe in so deeply that I can’t do anything without you. The most terrifying thing in my life right now is losing you. It has almost been my greatest fear but I thought we were above that and I believe in all your promises forever. I was smitten by all your pretty words that were nothing but words after all based on the harsh way you treated me.
Am I the only one who’s fighting for us? Am I doing it for the both of us? My heart is sore from all the pain. I realize no matter how hard I cling to you, it doesn’t matter unless you reciprocate those feelings you once had for me. Like that saying, you can drag a horse to river, but you can’t force it to drink the water. Am I just pushing on a dead end? Based on how he acts and treats me, it seems like this extended break is just to shut me up so I would stop calling in panic and terrified but getting nothing but the voicemail machine. 20 missed calls, 30 missed calls, 40 missed calls. I’m pathetic. I always thought of myself as I don’t need any man in my life and there’s nothing that can affect me so much. But you, you got me to believe in all your promises and tore me open. Broke down my walls and all for this. It’s out of my control not because my life and heart is in your hands now to crush and step all over on, to run over and back up a few times over with your car.
I still think about everything over and over again trying to make sense of a love letter from you one night saying you love me and less than a day later, its all over and up in flames. It’s really unfair but I guess no one cause about justice when it comes to that. I have no say it in. I have no power over it. You made all the calls and still do. It was your decision and I had absolutely no saying in it. Does that sound fear in a relationship I thought was so much more or was I just in over my head. Did you love me more when I wasn’t yours? Are people really just addicted to the chase and the moment when you win the person over entirely, they become normal and nothing to you. We fall in love with this amazing person and overtime they become so normal to us and we forget and take them for granted. It hurts. It was that pedestal you put them on up so high and the fall is more bone shattering from heights so high. The higher it is the more the outcome of pain will be from way up there. You were in love with the idea of who you think the person is versus learning more about the person day by day. I’m sorry I wasn’t what you thought I am and I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to all you want me to me. I am a failure and didn’t live up to your expectations. I can still remember clearly all the things he told me that got me so vulnerable now.
When you told me if you’d never let me go or lose me. Even if I were to give up on you, you’ll never give up on me like I gave up on myself. That if I was to fall out of your reach, you’d immediately hop on a plane right away and pull me back into your arms. How confident you were so sure that it was me and no one else can make you feel that way or take my place. That you’re confident I’m the only person for you and you’re absolutely sure that your future is me because I was all you ever wanted and no one can make you feel the way I do. That you want to become the perfect man for me no matter how hard you have to try because you believe there’s no one else in this world who is better suited for me and that loves me more than you do. That you’re absolutely sure no one loves me more than you do. Telling me that if it’s not me in your life, it won’t do. You can’t go on with life without me, but it seems like you’re doing just fine and happier while I’m here suffering every second of it. Is it really that easy to take back all those words of that magnitude so easy? To turn your back on all that you said? Don’t you feel the least bit of remorse?
So after all that's said and done, all those words that meant the world to me that pulled me closer and closer to you each day was a lie. When you said we should go our own ways, and find that person that makes us happy without so much trouble it was a real slap in the face. You are the person for me and still is. I guess I'm no longer that person. How can things like that can be changed so easily, an instant change of heart because things are getting difficult. But nothing in life worth having comes easy. And if the love was so monumental to begin with, then its all worth fighting for. Not just give up and move forward. But like I said, I guess maybe I am really am that forgettable and easy disposable. That's what I get for accepting a love I didn't deserve. It was all too good to be true. I'm always reaching for him but he's just fading away further and further in the distance. Especially in this long distance. I really was going to just book a last minute plane ticket despite me being in the negatives financially to see him from to face but all I got was I refuse to see you. Don't come, I wont pick you up or come home if you show up. Sinking and sinking, thats what it continuously feel like. 
I really am a stupid girl because up until now and even after all this, I still believe you. I’m just waiting in this heartache every day for you to come around and realize what we are. Will he ever get there or is it a hopeless cause? But I’m waiting. The decade we spent wishing for each other hopefully wasn’t for nothing. Now that the universe finally granted us this miracle, I don’t want to give up so easily. I’ve even come to a desperate point of agreeing to be on break as a friend until you come around one day to see what I see in us. But are you really blind to it all? I don’t know if he even feels it at all through that ice-cold harshness I’m faced with now. I agreed to rewind to a point back when we were just friends, but guess what? Even as friends he didn’t treat me so bad. The most I can get now if I get lucky is a mere short vague one sentence text then he’s gone all over again. I can’t even reach out to him for a real conversation. Is 10 minutes of your time so much to ask for? Or when I write to you, it takes you the entire day to reply with a one letter or one sentence answer for the day. “It’s not that I’m ignoring you, It’s just that I don’t go out of my way for you like I use to anymore.” He says to me coldly. I could feel my heart sinking as tears start rolling down. I couldn’t help it, It was then that I realize I’ve become less than a nobody to him. I’m pretty sure he didn’t treat me like nothing even as friends back then. Even while we were chatting as friends back then I always felt better or happy even though I always kept my distance because he was taken and its not my place to get in the way. I can’t feel any affection or hope from you anymore. How is this break going to do us any good if we don’t work on becoming better for each other instead of ignoring me entirely? You don’t treat your other friends half as harshly.
I’ve tried to reach out to you time after time shamelessly—
“Then why must it be this way? Do you still not see the changes in me and all that I'm willing to do for us? I'm not reluctant to compromise or change myself to be a better person. You make me want to be a better person so I won't hesitate to try my best. I just wish we can work on rekindling our love and relationship so we can both be happy.
Answer...? Respond? Not good enough. “We are on break.” That’s it. Entirely unmoved even though I poured my out heart; while I on the other hand, was overwhelmed with emotions just writing that reaching out to you. That the one time I reach my hands out to the person I’ve loved so deeply just got slapped down so easily. I’ve always been the type that’s indifferent because I never let enough people close enough to hurt me this bad. I’ve never been the chaser or the one to say all that to win someone back either. But none of it mattered.
I’m sinking. Sinking fast. I cant breath. Am I just being kept on the hook out of pity? I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I love you more than life itself, love… but you’re breaking me beyond believe. I’m already broken and you took those shattered pieces and threw them in a blender set on high and hit start. That’s how everything feels like right now. How can you say you love me do and this to me. Do you really think this is best for me? At least give me the courtesy and respect to speak for what I know I need and is best for my life. If you’re doing thing for me own good, then just love me and go back to when you didn’t treat me like nothing. Stop hurting me when your stubborn thoughts of what you think is best for another individual. It’s so selfish. Who are you to tell anyone what is best for him or her? Just like no one should tell you what is best for you.
If you honestly believe you’re doing this for my own good, you’re wrong. You’re doing the worst thing a person can possible do to broken person like me. I gave you everything I could in my power, you were the exception to so many things. I gave myself away to you entirely and only to you. Maybe that’s flawed. Did I become stale and boring in the process? That there’s no more chase and I’m so readily in love with you. I saw signs of your lost of interest in me over time and I never said anything. Maybe the problem is because I loved you too much. You said you wanted me to smother you with my love, but I think it only made you see me as another easy stupid girl. I feel quite stupid trying so hard to please you everyday and being rejected at times.
You were always the one who got away. My ideal guy and I never forgot about you everyday for the past decade. I thought that merits a lot more than a simple “I’m sorry” and hang up. Our plans for me to visit you during the holidays went to hell. I always thought after our first one together that I want to spend every Christmas and new years together with you for many more years to come. Turns out we only had one. I truly believe if we can see each other in person this would be a lot better because long distance is impossible and you using it to your advantage by constantly ignoring me or no longer treating me like I’m anything is heartbreaking. You said it would hurt too much to hear my voice or see me. Even if I flew there myself I’d just be stranded at the airport. Even if I were to walk to your house you’d refuse to see me. Have you stop for a second to consider the positive outcome that can come out of it.
I Feel wronged. The person who claims he loved me more than the universe is doing this over the phone to his advantage and cutting off all ties. And even our rewind break to friendship is breaking my heart everyday. I don’t know if he realized that he didn’t treat me as harshly even when we were just friends… I just no longer go out of my way for you… it keeps echoing in my head and the tears won’t stop. It’s so difficult just to get you to answer over text or on the phone. It seems like I’m asking you to move a mountain just to spare time for a 10-minute phone call. I really don’t know what to do anymore. My heart, head, body everything is all sore from the constant heartbreak and sinking feeling.
Even so, I still love you. At this point anyone reading this must thing I’m fucking retarded. I never said I was smart. But this is what unconditional love is and its what I told you I have for him. So hurt me, break me, make me bleed, kill me, I’m all yours. I’m all yours to break. But when you do, can you please make sure I don’t have to live anymore afterwards? If you’re going to break me, break me entirely just like pulling the trigger because there’s no recovering from this for me now. I’ll keep waiting in the silence and the silent tears no one knows I shed on a daily basis.
I've been going on and on like a broken record about my relationship problems while there are a million other things going wrong with my life. But somehow my mind is entire consumed by this and he's my only cure. I've lost the will to do anything. The future is blank and life is bleak again. He seems to be living a happier and better life without me. I wonder if I ever meant any of those things he said before. I'd give anything for us to be ok again. And I try to make this kind and clear, all I want is just a chance that maybe we'll find better days cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings and designer love and empty things. All I want is just a chance that maybe we'll find better days. All I want is for you to come around and love me like you use to.
My posts have been becoming increasingly longer and longer. I highly doubt anyone out there reads the whole thing. This is just an outlet where I can spill my guts and blood and all that without effecting anyone else. Because I don't want to hurt anyone if all I had to say was said to them, it would probably be tragic and lead to even more hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Its like in Perks of Being a Wallflower where Charlie writes to an anonymous person. Sometimes we all just need an outlet and someone to talk to; in my case, my outlet isn't a person or any living being. It's just me writing to myself. Writing to no one and just having it keeping me sane. The thing is, I wish I had the courage to say many of the things I have to say here to the people in my life, but communicating has never been a strong suit of mines, because you see; writing on a blank page, it doesn't judge you, it doesn't talk back to you, it doesn't belittle you. Human are all those things. Plus even if I wanted to say something to the person I love so much, I can't because just as I was told, he no longer goes out of his way for me anymore. I can't even get 10 minutes to have a short chat, much less express anything of this. It would only lead to a fight because he's become so aggressive and easily aggravated that I no longer know what to say that will make things okay or better again.
I wonder if its because he resents me for clinging onto him so pathetically even if he calls it a break and I said I'll become noting more than a friend and give him space. That was the last resort to keeping him in my life. i'll take all the hits as long as he doesn't disappear forever from my life. This compromise wasn't made easily either. He was reluctant and hesitant and still want to keep me far away for a long time. Everything is an "I don't know". Which is basically no, how can we possibly patch things up if everything I say or do angers him. It almost seems like my mere existence of stubborning wanting to stay in his life angers him because perhaps he feels forced into it. I know I'm hopelessly pathetic. I can't help it and I've been trying to figure out where all the anger towards me is coming from, but I can only think that it's because I refuse to leave you as easily as you wanted- to just erase me and move forward with our own lives. I his life doesn't revolve around me as he bluntly told me in another one of those harsh conversations, but my life revolves around him, its not entirely my fault. He got me to believe and open up and think that way. To let go and trust that he'll catch me falling.
I know I've said it repeated that what you think is best for me really is in fact killing me inside everyday. If you truly love me, please stop and give me the courtesy of deciding my life for myself and just a little respect for me to speak for myself. You really have no idea what you're doing to me with all this. He think he's being a martyr by "setting me free". I don't want to be set free. He's the best thing that happened to me and I'm holding on for dear life. People who say if you love someone you'll set them free are clearly idiots and the other person obviously haven't become such am important part of their lives. I will die for you and I'm living for you. I just wish he could see it. All the ultimatums given to me about changing my self destructive behavior I've agreed to change for you. i want to become a better person for you. So I really wish he wouldn't use that its best for me line as an excuse to throw me away anymore. It would be a different story if he was going this because he personally cant stand me anymore, or no longer love me or is entirely sick of me. I promised I would change for the better for our sake, but it takes two people to do so, and I don't see you putting in the effort to make things better between us. Instead you're hammering a nail into my heart by the day with the way you act and the harshness you throw upon me. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one trying my best and yielding to you know because you get so irritated easily over the simplest things when before you'd never act like that towards me. I know I'm not longer your significant other or at least you don't want me anymore, but why is your behavior black and white. Even as friends he was always a good friend. I really just had a few simple questions I wanted to ask, but I still can't even get any time or answer after a couple of days. It's really making me sick to my stomach.
I just wish things were different...
Labels: bad days, communication, hurt, i don't fucking know., i miss you, insanity, memories, mentality, miserable, mistakes, quote, relationships, sad, sorrow, sorry Sunday, September 29, 2013 @ 9:14 PM
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“here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.” Its been a battle just trying to get some time on the phone with him and every time I finally do get permission which is rather said because otherwise without it, all my calls are ignored. The entire phone call just starts with hostility. I don't know where it is coming from, it only makes me think you hate me now. Theres no more exceptions. But even towards are stranger you aren't so harsh. Thats why I can't hold back the tears, hearing your hatred and annoyance in your voice simply because you have to take my phone call is very disheartening. Every word pierces like a needle with your anger and tone. Theres not the slightest tone of remorse of a lost love or that I was loved at all. Usually I don't put up with people who treat me like shit, but time and time again I try to get across to you facing your anger. You don't even realize I'm already changing all my standards and self respect for you. You think you can hear it by tone or life decisions, but you'll never really know all of it. I'm willing to take all the hits as long as I get to stay a part of your life, even if its an insignificant part out of pity. We say we're going to take some time off; I know for sure I'll never love anyone like I do you, but you already brought up the part of moving on to new people who makes us happier. I thought I made you happy or you loved me for the way I made you feel. So if you're actively looking for a new love while I;n loyally waiting for yours, what do I do then? Winter break, spring break, all of it is still not enough time for you. When is there enough time? I don't want to be led on with illusions of a second chance and left even more broken.  I can see you deleting me from all the parts of your life already. So I erased myself from face book entirely. I only wrote and updated about us to begin with. I have no use for it anymore. Have you realized your life is a lot simpler and happier without me existing in your world? I don't see any reason otherwise to your constant harsh tone filled with discontent and annoyance. There was a time when you wanted me to talk to you and make my whole world about you. Now that it is, my whole world is falling apart. I gave you everything I had mentally and physically. but the happiness I thought we had wasn't enough to keep you here. I feel like such a fool. Stupid Stupid girl. I always feel for your pretty words and you can lie to me and deceive me and I'll probably still fall for it anyway because I've given up all my self respect to make you happy. You never realized it or acknowledge it. Or else we wouldn't be at this point where you're telling me I am poison and will never change. I've changed so much more than you know inside and out in order to please you. I'm just a foolish girl in the end. I gave you myself and now it feels like you threw my heart on the pavement, stepped all over it, and backed up your car a few times over it. “But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
When did I mean so little that you can discard me just like that at first without even a thought of trying. Am I the only one whose stupid and refuse to let go because I believe we owe it to ourselves to give it a try? If you're actively looking for a new love that will please you mentally and physically in all the ways you want without speaking back to you, I'll still wait in the background. I've waiting for 8 years watching you love and live your life with someone else in silence. Its selfish to only want someone who never speaks back and is best for you because they treat you well and need you. Its all about your satisfaction. But what about the other person? will you love them simply because they are like your pet and obey you in every sense? You love them because they love you? Or would you rather love someone not out of selfishness but truly love someone because they are the amazing person you always thought them to be, even if they aren't what you need from a relationship thats all about you. You were hurt and made a huge deal when I broke several promises, but you broke every single promise you made to me since day one doing this and I can still find it in my heart to forgive you. But I'm still holding onto your promises. You're a man of your word right? then stop taking the easy way out like I'm so disposing whore.who means nothing so you can brush off and trash me anytime. If you love someone fight for them if you don't even put up a struggle and fight, that only tells the world, yourself and me that person didn't mean much to you to begin with. Its frustrating no matter how you try to justify your actions. And most of all, it hurts. It pains me to every part of me to see thats all I was worth.  Despite everything, It's only about what you believe to be true and the correct approach. Just you and your stubborn believes that your words and thoughts are absolute. Are you not capable of mistakes? Are you god? Is it only your way or the highway?Either way it feels like I'm getting run over and trampled by things flying by me. So why don't you just pull the trigger because I'm slowly dying by your hands and relentless beliefs in your own point of view. I'm willing to compromise everything and to try everything, but why is it that you can just stomp around in anger without doing your part of what we need to improve. It's not just all me, so please stop treating me like shit every time I try to get through to you and have a solid understand on both sides. The way you act and behave. The way you constantly try to get away and hang up. It'd all so harsh, do you see or hear yourself? I do. But I still love you. I never said I was smart but everything you've done to me and got me to believe has opened up a pandora's box I can't close. And it's all for you. Ive chanced a lot more than you recognize over all this time, you're just blinded by whatever it is you want to call how you treat me to acknowledge any of it.  Either way, I'm waiting for you and my voice never to reach you changes into a sad song. I think for now, I'll just bury myself with school since I'm literally all alone. Theres no one reaching out to me and there is no longer anyone I can reach out to for help and support anymore. I feel like I have zero friends and nobody in my life as always. But its nothing new. I'll just pretend I woke up from a really long dream and I'm back to where I was. No matter how much suffering I went through I never want to let go of these memories. As long as you remember me, I don't care of everyone else forgets.
Labels: alone, apathetic, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., lost, relationships, sad, self-esteem, sorrow, tired, truths Saturday, September 28, 2013 @ 8:20 PM
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It’s been a long year
Since we last spoke
How’s your halo?
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites
I never believed you
I only wanted to
Before all of this
What did I miss?
Do you ever get homesick?
I can’t get used to it
I can’t get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
I’m under that night
I’m under those same stars
We’re in a red car
You asleep at my side
Going in and out of the headlights
Could I have saved you?
Would that’ve betrayed you?
I wanna burn this film
You alone with those pills
What you couldn’t do I will
I forgive you
I’ll forgive you
I’ll forgive you
I forgive you
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
For blue, blue skies
I’ll forgive you
 Labels: hurt, i don't fucking know., letting go, lost, love, quote, reflections, sad, self destructive, song, sorrow, sorry @ 8:16 PM
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 In the end, I was the only one shamelessly fighting for our love and to keep you. While I'm not worth a second look or turning back Everything was just pretty words and I still fall for them every single time if its coming from you who got me to believe in you so much. I should have known better, but I thought life was finally paying off and the best thing thats ever happened to me has finely found me out of all the people in this world and its massive population, we found each other. Its was like a miracle stepping stone to our happiness. I truly believed that. That life was finally turning around and he was going to be the man who saves me from myself.  I lived for him and I would die for him or us. It's way easier to die for someone than it is to live for them. Life is so tiresome and serves as a challenge everyday just trying to make it to the next day. I tried my best to live for us and our false future you implanted as part of the ideas that made me think you were the one. You were the answer; You're my escapism. You're never going to give up on me the way I gave up on myself. Living for someone you love is way harder than one can imagined you have to totally surrender yourself at some point and put that person ahead of you regardless and unconditionally. Until the very moment I fully let go and you have my life and heart under your power and possession. Whats left of the life in me was in your hands; Right there for you to crush and step all over anytime you want. You really had me going. You were my addiction and maybe if I didn't so desperately want you and your attention attention and time all the time like I'm just some house pet, you'd respect me more and I can have a bit more self respect. In the end, I am nothing. Who the hell did I think I was? I was so in over my head. Maybe this is all I deserve in the end. To be abandoned easily in a blink of an eye like two day old garbage without any chance or hope. Being entirely cut off with no one to talk to or getting nothing but silent treatment and cold shoulders. You're hurting me so much more than you know. If that was the intention, congratulations you have succeeded prosperously. Take my broken heart as your trophy and put it in your shoe box.  Maybe this was the so call 'love' I deserve in the end and thats what it was all building up to. Still even if I don't deserve any of your love, the way you broke me down was so cruel it still pains me every time I think about it. It still drives me crazy every moment of the day, reminding myself that it's my fault for opening up so much. I should't have showed the real me, no one will actually love who I really am as if I'm some trophy they want to show off their influence o.Very often people are attracted to people who are assholes or broken or damaged, people they have no business getting involved with to begin with but they do it for the thrill and challenge of wanting to change someone's life with their own hands and dictate over it. I've lost count of how many people I've come across in my life who always have some kind of input on how to so easily solve whats wrong with me and fix my world and so they think they know me better than myself about about my condition as if its easy as 1, 2, 3 just follow their directions and they know whats best when in reality they have no idea what you are going through. Every single asshole always wants to give their 2 cents on situations and every single one think they they whats best for someone more than that person itself. How can anyone justify their behavior on trying to inflict their personal opinion onto someone else. Seeing it and observing it from your point of view is often very different than having to live with it too. So their forceful behavior end up hurting me in the worst way possible instead of helping. And apparently me, as the individual who actually has to put up with what is insisted gets no say even though I'm personally going through the situation and problems know whats better for than the person itself when they are a 3rd party individual who has never gone through the same thing the person is inflicted with and don't know what its really like to be the person itself. They just insist and force it onto the person of conflict because believe their way is the correct way. In other words simply put, the third party is basically telling the person how to feel or respond to situations and what makes them happy or not. Dictating their behavior and what they have to put up with. Shouldn't the person themselves feel the reaction of what is forced upon them? Yes they do. And it hurts like fuck,its breaking my heart but the moment I say something, it means I'm just being difficult as always, I'm picking fights, I never listen to anyone else. How about letting the person living that life decide? I can't even express the mental pain it causes me without being accused of being difficult and uncompromising... when the 3rd person starting with the insisting and dominant behaior one who is interfering and insisting their opinion on something that does not directly effect them. Is it to show of your power over the other person you created and tamed? But often times they don't realize they more damage they can fathom to the person who is already broken by treating them like an inferior being that way. People just want a go at it like I'm some science experiment. They want to change me and fix me. And when things get too difficult or complicated, they can just up and leave as always.. But guess what? so hurt me, taint me, deceive me and break me. I;n all yours and I still love you regardless So hurt me if that vilifies the pain i've caused you. Sp I'll still love you and you can keep hurting me as I watch from afar. I can already see that anytime I bring up a concern that is hurting me I just get shut down and bombarded with you're the same person you always was you'll never change as a person for us to e be able to get along. That its all my fault. I'm willing to break myself trying for us. I'm willing to compromise everything and just be a rag doll. But I thought the trying was suppose to be both ways... why do I only feel like I'm walking on eggshells discussing it. That I have to be so cautious of what I say so I don't piss you off easily again and give you another reason to tell me why I am no good and don't deserve another chance...I thought we agree to be more open minded for each other and to be more lenient and understand and treat each other well but so far, eventually somewhere into the conversation I feel like I'm being treated like crap but I don't even want to bother mentioning anything because god forbid if I'm not 150% ok with everything being done. I waited so long for what we have to happen and I want us to be happy but so far nothing will bring the person who claims to love me around and try along with me to make things work. Its always he needs time away from me, why would you want more time away from a person you love that you barely get to see or talk to as it is? So much for wanting to be smothered with my love and not being scared. I think I'm already overdue and expired on the person of interest list perhaps. I waited in the silence and I seem to be having to do that a lot lately just for a chance at any conversation. I did it for 8 years silently in the background, I can do it for another 8 won't make a difference. Although I'd most likely die before that time comes.. But nothing matters if I'm the only one who wants things to be ok and want to be happy together and believe in it. The whole point is to keep our relationship together and not regress to a state where we stop talking again over every little thing. I just wish it would stop and we can stop worrying so much about every single little thing. I just want to remember that I love you more than the universe and once upon a time you did too, so just hug and kiss me and not let anything get in between our most sacred bond of all. I'm happy so long as you never stop loving me and always want my love as well. Everything else is just details to it. Our love should be beyond that and these pity things shouldn't phase. I just want to scream and rip out my hair out sometimes when we fail to see the bigger picture; that all these fucking things don't matter in the end, our love prevails it. I just want to hold you and forget about everything else. I just want to be lost in each other's presence and eyes. and stop stressing out so much about things that really aren't fundamental in the end. who throws away genuine love with that strong of a bond that with any indications life seems to have brought us together and kept it strong within us all these years. That should triumph over any fight and everything. I'm happy as long as I end up with him. even during bad days as long as we have each other to crawl into bed with, we wake up anew. These grudges and overly magnified details shouldn't even come close to being able to side track our love, but somehow you let it do that... try to come around and remember all that we are first. I think sometimes we forget and take it for granted. I believe in it and I want to believe in us. I want both of us to fight for not, not just me trying to call you pathetically day by day while you ignore my calls. As I write this I keep thinking how did we let ourselves go like this and choose to be so harsh to the other person; because right now all I want and choose is you first above all. When we look at it overall on the things we are so preoccupied on being hung up on who's right or wrong or when if ever can we forgive each other, it all seems very trivial and petty compared to the love we have to begin with. Let's not forget about that while picking up rocks around it. I just think of our bond as the core and love that holds us together thats the most important and to never give up on each other and forget the main bond and love. I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I don't want to "argue" anymore though so I hope one day he sees what I see in us. the magnitude of our love and bond and how everything is just a detail compared to it. What matters the most is how much we love each other, please come around and see that, then you'll understand why I miss you all the time and want to see you above all and need you in my life. We both need to realize that because we love each other so much we should be able to sit down and talk calmly about other things that concern us without having to break up several times a month because of those little things. I'm not saying that the greater picture is a viable excuse to get away with everything in a relationship, but its the first time we hit currents so hard like these and theres no excuse not to give it our best effort and try. To put ourselves out there even if it might hurt ourselves, we need to do it for each other to show what we are capable of. Use failing to realize this concept or not being able to do so much right now isnt a reason to give up instantly. Nothing worth having in life comes easy. We can approach it from another angle. We only live once, remember? Labels: alone, breaking everything, death, depressed, frustration, goo goo dolls, letting go, lost, love, mentality, mistakes, sorrow, sorry, truths Monday, August 27, 2012 @ 2:32 AM
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"While watching her sleep like a baby, it maybe too forward but it occurred to me, I want to heal her sorrow." I'm still delusional waiting for something that might never occur for me. I'm constantly looking for answers in my own head and waiting for someone to save me from myself then I realized what I was really looking for all along isn't someone who can answer my questions but instead, someone who can be the answer. Maybe that's why I'm not cut out for this, because I am selfish; as if I need someone to exist entirely for me. Labels: bad habits, calm, escapism, love, quote, relationships, sleep, sorrow
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