So that's how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that's stolen from us— that's snatched right out of our hands— even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness... 

I can't live for anyone else's approval, I can't live up to anyone's ideals. I've tried - that shit nearly killed me. Everything sounds like an excuse from my vicious habit of living in my thoughts. But even that is an excuse to not participate in life. I've always hoped that time will fix things, that time will heal, but time does not erase the scars it only dull things out a bit. Slowly turning situations into memories. How do you erase the memories? Making new memories and overfilling yourself with new ones tend to be the usual answer but that just adds to the end of the film, it doesn't crop out the parts you wish to forget. It's just a temporary distraction.


I'm at lost for words lately so I can't even bother to say any of this to anyone because it's just a massive waste of time, so I rant to myself here- because why repeat the same sob story to different people over and over again? Talking to people about things tends to feel more like a chore and I get annoyed at myself. It doesn't make me feel better at all. Maybe it's because of my cynical fucked up mindset.

I've tried and it only backfires. Every word that comes out of my mouth is thrown back with how worthless I am. How much time I've taken. There's no space for me to say anything. There's no space for any mutual understanding. I can't even bring myself to say a single word anymore despite being mentally fucked. Apparently I'm too far gone and passed my expiration date. I should know better, I should be used to it by now, I should have never tried- that way, I can just stay as an insignificant existence, a stranger again.

Labels: alone, bad habits, depression, dull, i don't fucking know., memories, mentality, quote, reflections, sorry, stuck