I write here for myself to keep my thoughts organized about my personal uneventful life and everything
else in between. I speak Engrish for the most part. So if you're a judging close minded asshole or
excessively annoying grammar nazi - fuck you, shut up and go away. This is my place, my rules. Keep
your shoes on.
 
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Saturday, October 12, 2013 @ 8:28 AM
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Maybe I need someone who can make me
It’s been nothing but chaos and remorse in my mind lately. It’s always the people I love most that hurts me the most, my family, my relationship— it’s all scattered into a million pieces like falling through glass. I practically live in this invisible bubble I’ve developed after all the years so isolating myself. So the outside world does not matter to me. I don’t notice my surroundings and I don’t bother or make an effort to make any new acquaintances in any situation. I think it’s because I’m a person who can’t let go… Most of the content of my posts these days is just me crying about my relationship. It has entirely possessed me and terrified me to a point that my life is trapped in that moment. I just wish things are different. There are so many things I'd like to tell him directly myself but theres nothing I can do about the things I have to live without when that person doesn't answer any of my calls or can't even be bothered to read or answer my texts. So I've resorted to spilling my insanity in writing so I don't go insane. It's a whole new level of pathetic and how low I've fell because we were up so high like an addiction that can't be cured.
I had a crush; my first love over a decade ago and now I’ve supposedly ruined everything by being me. It’s disheartening because I truly believe that I can finally be happy for once. I was way over my head. But just as always, people always leave me. Am I so easily disposable? How can the person tell me that their feelings are still there, the love still exist, but treat me like I don’t exist. It’s breaking my heart every day. I don’t know what to make of anything anymore, apparently its for my own good, but I can only feel myself dying inside bit by bit as each day goes by. Is that for my own good as well? I really wish my words would reach you for once.
You tell me you still love me yet on the other hand you treat me like garbage, telling me you can’t be bothered with answering any of my texts or calls because you don’t go out of your way for me anymore. It was harsh and still burns in my head. Even if you’re on break I can’t imagine treating the person I love like nothing and hurting them even more. That’s not love. I feel so pathetic but I just can’t let go because I can’t imagine being so happy with someone else. How we are so alike and connect like telepathy exists between us. There can’t be so many coincident in the world. The chances of us happening ones one in billions but the universe brought us together. I can’t find someone that makes me happier. While you told me we should move on and find someone better for us as individuals… was that all the time, years and being together against all odds… Did that mean anything? Was that all I am worth to you after everything you told me in confidence before? I never believed in soul mates before, but from the beginning to now, I’ve come to realize we are so much alike that we can be each other’s escapism. Feeling okay to let your guard down and knowing the person who loves you don’t and will never think any less of you. It’s all part of putting the pieces back together since we are both broken in different ways.
I don’t want to throw it away on a whim without any chance at all. How can we ever get to a better place or compromise certain things if all I can feel is the continuous ice cold indifferent from you. I’ve hurt myself and I’ve hurt you, but you have also hurt me. We’re both hurt, but why is it that you treat me like I’m nothing and tell me the opposite. Even if we are taking a break, we can never recover if this is what is going to happen continuously. False hope will only break me more. And if this is whole thing is out of how pitiful I am to refuse to let you go, and the treatment is the way to push me away, then congratulations its breaking my heart more by the day as I try hard to not lose you for another decade.
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” ― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets
Did you really love me at all? Or was it just a fad, a delusional phase where you convince yourself you do. The whole if you love a person let them go is bullshit. That only applies to people who are no longer in love or people who loves someone else more. But when that person still loves you more than life itself, you’re only hurting them by shoving them away. It’s not setting a person free in that case, you’re shoving them away because it’s so one sided. I always thought that if you truly love a person you’d want them to be happy no matter what even if it means compromising your values or what you personally think is right for my life. I reached out shamelessly but you haven’t budge. Is that the extent of your love?
It used to be we couldn’t stay mad at each other for more than a day. Couples fight and disagree all the time, it can become overwhelming, but isn’t it that part of being in relationship. There’s no perfect relationship where couples never fight, but the whole point is that if you truly love each other enough it will prevail over it all. That in the end, if you really love that person all that matters is you never want to let the other go, everything else becomes petty overnight because that’s how unconditional you can be.
What can I do when the only family I sacrificed my sanity for tells me I should just kill myself because I’m so worthless? And I can’t get a few minutes to talk to the person a love no matter how I beg. A few minutes out of days, is it really too much to ask for? I’m falling apart and I have no one to turn to… Trying to stay alive and get through the day has become so difficult that I think maybe it’s better if I end it all. So I don’t have to feel this bitter pain every second of the day anymore. I can’t eat or sleep. I don’t remember the last time I had a real meal. I can feel my body shutting down from not eating or sleeping for days, but none of the discomfort or pain compares to driving myself insane.
When you said there’s no chance and you’d refuse to see me even no matter what; I cried my heart out, but you remained cool. Maybe its because you’re experienced so that you can completely turn your back on me without a second thought. My life is a mess without you, but you’re fine without me. You can live your daily life but I can’t. You can still work, still have fun like I never existed, I miss you so much it’s driving crazy. Is it so easy for you to leave?
No matter how meanly you treat me, you’re still the best thing that’s happened to me. You’re still beautiful to me. Even if you get mad and yell, the way I feel about you never wavered. I really like you a lot. But if you truly hate me, I won’t call you anymore and I’ll give up. So tell me, do you really hate me?
Labels: alive, alone, bad days, breaking everything, communication, depressed, falling, hurt, i don't fucking know., i miss you, insanity, insomnia, letting go, lies, love, memories, mistakes, reflections, relationships Thursday, October 10, 2013 @ 5:54 AM
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I don't know what’s wrong with me. It's like all I can do is write gibberish to keep from breaking apart. Should I be happy that we're friends? Or should I cry because that's all we'll ever going to be now? People think that if you love somebody unconditionally and hard enough then everything is just going to work out. Well, people are wrong. I guess my love wasn't enough for you. It wasn't enough to keep you. This only reminds me of what I’ve mistaken myself for; I became so delusional thanks to you that I came to a point where I thought for once maybe I am worth something. But it was all a lie. I am nothing and still am nothing. I am easily forgettable and just as easily dispensable as I always was and still am. All I am to you now is a stain you want to erase. With everything going on and whats happened, I feel cheated. Just because I'm in a distance it doesn't meant that should be taken advantage of, to try to break up over the phone and hang up and refuse to answer calls. I thought our love merits more than that. That we owe it to each other to do this in person and talk this out in person, but I got totally shut down.
I can't help but feel like I was nothing. I didn't triumph or mean anything more than any of his ex's. At least he gave them changes and did it in person. It's so cruel. How can anyone say they never loved anyone so much and pull this? I wasn't given even 1/8 the chance he gave his past girlfriends who "didn't mean anything". But I actually in face feel like I mean nothing with all the dead bolt stops and lack of consideration. If you say you never loved as you have loved me before, how can you do this to me? Over the phone? Its entirely heartbreaking and frustrating. I never got a single chance. How can it be done like this... I feel so insignificant. I really wish I can see him and talk it over and be treated like an actual person. He says it hurts too much to see or talk to me, but what about me? Have you given a second to think what you've done to me at those moments. I wanted to die. At those time and even sometimes now you were so preoccupied with just how you feel or how its hard on you and hurt you, what about me...? I wonder if it ever came across for a second that it was killing me too, but you were more important to me than that.
I’m trying to get my life back together but I cant help but feel like I’m falling into a deeper dark pit in my mind as each day passes by. I know I was the one who begged pathetically for a second chance for us, that we at least owe each other that much. Nut how can there be any progress when you threat me so harshly while I’m trying my bet to yield to you like I’m walking on eggshells everyday just trying to send you a mere text I feel like I have to because what I say in cause you get pissed off and decide its not worth your time. All your pretty words are just words. Those statements that I mean more to you than anyone in your life disregarding the amount of time we’ve been together, I beat them all. I don’t think that’s true. If he was willing to try for a couple of years to make things work for a girl that he told me I mean so much more than, then why don’t our relationship merit the same chance? It should be that we’d try even harder than you have with your ex’s that I so called triumph over by miles, but that’s not the case. You were ready to just up and go, saying “I’m sorry” and hanging up as I cried begging you to not leave me hanging like this. I tried my best to be strong for the both of us for the sake of our relationship that you got me to believe in so deeply that I can’t do anything without you. The most terrifying thing in my life right now is losing you. It has almost been my greatest fear but I thought we were above that and I believe in all your promises forever. I was smitten by all your pretty words that were nothing but words after all based on the harsh way you treated me.
Am I the only one who’s fighting for us? Am I doing it for the both of us? My heart is sore from all the pain. I realize no matter how hard I cling to you, it doesn’t matter unless you reciprocate those feelings you once had for me. Like that saying, you can drag a horse to river, but you can’t force it to drink the water. Am I just pushing on a dead end? Based on how he acts and treats me, it seems like this extended break is just to shut me up so I would stop calling in panic and terrified but getting nothing but the voicemail machine. 20 missed calls, 30 missed calls, 40 missed calls. I’m pathetic. I always thought of myself as I don’t need any man in my life and there’s nothing that can affect me so much. But you, you got me to believe in all your promises and tore me open. Broke down my walls and all for this. It’s out of my control not because my life and heart is in your hands now to crush and step all over on, to run over and back up a few times over with your car.
I still think about everything over and over again trying to make sense of a love letter from you one night saying you love me and less than a day later, its all over and up in flames. It’s really unfair but I guess no one cause about justice when it comes to that. I have no say it in. I have no power over it. You made all the calls and still do. It was your decision and I had absolutely no saying in it. Does that sound fear in a relationship I thought was so much more or was I just in over my head. Did you love me more when I wasn’t yours? Are people really just addicted to the chase and the moment when you win the person over entirely, they become normal and nothing to you. We fall in love with this amazing person and overtime they become so normal to us and we forget and take them for granted. It hurts. It was that pedestal you put them on up so high and the fall is more bone shattering from heights so high. The higher it is the more the outcome of pain will be from way up there. You were in love with the idea of who you think the person is versus learning more about the person day by day. I’m sorry I wasn’t what you thought I am and I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to all you want me to me. I am a failure and didn’t live up to your expectations. I can still remember clearly all the things he told me that got me so vulnerable now.
When you told me if you’d never let me go or lose me. Even if I were to give up on you, you’ll never give up on me like I gave up on myself. That if I was to fall out of your reach, you’d immediately hop on a plane right away and pull me back into your arms. How confident you were so sure that it was me and no one else can make you feel that way or take my place. That you’re confident I’m the only person for you and you’re absolutely sure that your future is me because I was all you ever wanted and no one can make you feel the way I do. That you want to become the perfect man for me no matter how hard you have to try because you believe there’s no one else in this world who is better suited for me and that loves me more than you do. That you’re absolutely sure no one loves me more than you do. Telling me that if it’s not me in your life, it won’t do. You can’t go on with life without me, but it seems like you’re doing just fine and happier while I’m here suffering every second of it. Is it really that easy to take back all those words of that magnitude so easy? To turn your back on all that you said? Don’t you feel the least bit of remorse?
So after all that's said and done, all those words that meant the world to me that pulled me closer and closer to you each day was a lie. When you said we should go our own ways, and find that person that makes us happy without so much trouble it was a real slap in the face. You are the person for me and still is. I guess I'm no longer that person. How can things like that can be changed so easily, an instant change of heart because things are getting difficult. But nothing in life worth having comes easy. And if the love was so monumental to begin with, then its all worth fighting for. Not just give up and move forward. But like I said, I guess maybe I am really am that forgettable and easy disposable. That's what I get for accepting a love I didn't deserve. It was all too good to be true. I'm always reaching for him but he's just fading away further and further in the distance. Especially in this long distance. I really was going to just book a last minute plane ticket despite me being in the negatives financially to see him from to face but all I got was I refuse to see you. Don't come, I wont pick you up or come home if you show up. Sinking and sinking, thats what it continuously feel like. 
I really am a stupid girl because up until now and even after all this, I still believe you. I’m just waiting in this heartache every day for you to come around and realize what we are. Will he ever get there or is it a hopeless cause? But I’m waiting. The decade we spent wishing for each other hopefully wasn’t for nothing. Now that the universe finally granted us this miracle, I don’t want to give up so easily. I’ve even come to a desperate point of agreeing to be on break as a friend until you come around one day to see what I see in us. But are you really blind to it all? I don’t know if he even feels it at all through that ice-cold harshness I’m faced with now. I agreed to rewind to a point back when we were just friends, but guess what? Even as friends he didn’t treat me so bad. The most I can get now if I get lucky is a mere short vague one sentence text then he’s gone all over again. I can’t even reach out to him for a real conversation. Is 10 minutes of your time so much to ask for? Or when I write to you, it takes you the entire day to reply with a one letter or one sentence answer for the day. “It’s not that I’m ignoring you, It’s just that I don’t go out of my way for you like I use to anymore.” He says to me coldly. I could feel my heart sinking as tears start rolling down. I couldn’t help it, It was then that I realize I’ve become less than a nobody to him. I’m pretty sure he didn’t treat me like nothing even as friends back then. Even while we were chatting as friends back then I always felt better or happy even though I always kept my distance because he was taken and its not my place to get in the way. I can’t feel any affection or hope from you anymore. How is this break going to do us any good if we don’t work on becoming better for each other instead of ignoring me entirely? You don’t treat your other friends half as harshly.
I’ve tried to reach out to you time after time shamelessly—
“Then why must it be this way? Do you still not see the changes in me and all that I'm willing to do for us? I'm not reluctant to compromise or change myself to be a better person. You make me want to be a better person so I won't hesitate to try my best. I just wish we can work on rekindling our love and relationship so we can both be happy.
Answer...? Respond? Not good enough. “We are on break.” That’s it. Entirely unmoved even though I poured my out heart; while I on the other hand, was overwhelmed with emotions just writing that reaching out to you. That the one time I reach my hands out to the person I’ve loved so deeply just got slapped down so easily. I’ve always been the type that’s indifferent because I never let enough people close enough to hurt me this bad. I’ve never been the chaser or the one to say all that to win someone back either. But none of it mattered.
I’m sinking. Sinking fast. I cant breath. Am I just being kept on the hook out of pity? I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I love you more than life itself, love… but you’re breaking me beyond believe. I’m already broken and you took those shattered pieces and threw them in a blender set on high and hit start. That’s how everything feels like right now. How can you say you love me do and this to me. Do you really think this is best for me? At least give me the courtesy and respect to speak for what I know I need and is best for my life. If you’re doing thing for me own good, then just love me and go back to when you didn’t treat me like nothing. Stop hurting me when your stubborn thoughts of what you think is best for another individual. It’s so selfish. Who are you to tell anyone what is best for him or her? Just like no one should tell you what is best for you.
If you honestly believe you’re doing this for my own good, you’re wrong. You’re doing the worst thing a person can possible do to broken person like me. I gave you everything I could in my power, you were the exception to so many things. I gave myself away to you entirely and only to you. Maybe that’s flawed. Did I become stale and boring in the process? That there’s no more chase and I’m so readily in love with you. I saw signs of your lost of interest in me over time and I never said anything. Maybe the problem is because I loved you too much. You said you wanted me to smother you with my love, but I think it only made you see me as another easy stupid girl. I feel quite stupid trying so hard to please you everyday and being rejected at times.
You were always the one who got away. My ideal guy and I never forgot about you everyday for the past decade. I thought that merits a lot more than a simple “I’m sorry” and hang up. Our plans for me to visit you during the holidays went to hell. I always thought after our first one together that I want to spend every Christmas and new years together with you for many more years to come. Turns out we only had one. I truly believe if we can see each other in person this would be a lot better because long distance is impossible and you using it to your advantage by constantly ignoring me or no longer treating me like I’m anything is heartbreaking. You said it would hurt too much to hear my voice or see me. Even if I flew there myself I’d just be stranded at the airport. Even if I were to walk to your house you’d refuse to see me. Have you stop for a second to consider the positive outcome that can come out of it.
I Feel wronged. The person who claims he loved me more than the universe is doing this over the phone to his advantage and cutting off all ties. And even our rewind break to friendship is breaking my heart everyday. I don’t know if he realized that he didn’t treat me as harshly even when we were just friends… I just no longer go out of my way for you… it keeps echoing in my head and the tears won’t stop. It’s so difficult just to get you to answer over text or on the phone. It seems like I’m asking you to move a mountain just to spare time for a 10-minute phone call. I really don’t know what to do anymore. My heart, head, body everything is all sore from the constant heartbreak and sinking feeling.
Even so, I still love you. At this point anyone reading this must thing I’m fucking retarded. I never said I was smart. But this is what unconditional love is and its what I told you I have for him. So hurt me, break me, make me bleed, kill me, I’m all yours. I’m all yours to break. But when you do, can you please make sure I don’t have to live anymore afterwards? If you’re going to break me, break me entirely just like pulling the trigger because there’s no recovering from this for me now. I’ll keep waiting in the silence and the silent tears no one knows I shed on a daily basis.
I've been going on and on like a broken record about my relationship problems while there are a million other things going wrong with my life. But somehow my mind is entire consumed by this and he's my only cure. I've lost the will to do anything. The future is blank and life is bleak again. He seems to be living a happier and better life without me. I wonder if I ever meant any of those things he said before. I'd give anything for us to be ok again. And I try to make this kind and clear, all I want is just a chance that maybe we'll find better days cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings and designer love and empty things. All I want is just a chance that maybe we'll find better days. All I want is for you to come around and love me like you use to.
My posts have been becoming increasingly longer and longer. I highly doubt anyone out there reads the whole thing. This is just an outlet where I can spill my guts and blood and all that without effecting anyone else. Because I don't want to hurt anyone if all I had to say was said to them, it would probably be tragic and lead to even more hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Its like in Perks of Being a Wallflower where Charlie writes to an anonymous person. Sometimes we all just need an outlet and someone to talk to; in my case, my outlet isn't a person or any living being. It's just me writing to myself. Writing to no one and just having it keeping me sane. The thing is, I wish I had the courage to say many of the things I have to say here to the people in my life, but communicating has never been a strong suit of mines, because you see; writing on a blank page, it doesn't judge you, it doesn't talk back to you, it doesn't belittle you. Human are all those things. Plus even if I wanted to say something to the person I love so much, I can't because just as I was told, he no longer goes out of his way for me anymore. I can't even get 10 minutes to have a short chat, much less express anything of this. It would only lead to a fight because he's become so aggressive and easily aggravated that I no longer know what to say that will make things okay or better again.
I wonder if its because he resents me for clinging onto him so pathetically even if he calls it a break and I said I'll become noting more than a friend and give him space. That was the last resort to keeping him in my life. i'll take all the hits as long as he doesn't disappear forever from my life. This compromise wasn't made easily either. He was reluctant and hesitant and still want to keep me far away for a long time. Everything is an "I don't know". Which is basically no, how can we possibly patch things up if everything I say or do angers him. It almost seems like my mere existence of stubborning wanting to stay in his life angers him because perhaps he feels forced into it. I know I'm hopelessly pathetic. I can't help it and I've been trying to figure out where all the anger towards me is coming from, but I can only think that it's because I refuse to leave you as easily as you wanted- to just erase me and move forward with our own lives. I his life doesn't revolve around me as he bluntly told me in another one of those harsh conversations, but my life revolves around him, its not entirely my fault. He got me to believe and open up and think that way. To let go and trust that he'll catch me falling.
I know I've said it repeated that what you think is best for me really is in fact killing me inside everyday. If you truly love me, please stop and give me the courtesy of deciding my life for myself and just a little respect for me to speak for myself. You really have no idea what you're doing to me with all this. He think he's being a martyr by "setting me free". I don't want to be set free. He's the best thing that happened to me and I'm holding on for dear life. People who say if you love someone you'll set them free are clearly idiots and the other person obviously haven't become such am important part of their lives. I will die for you and I'm living for you. I just wish he could see it. All the ultimatums given to me about changing my self destructive behavior I've agreed to change for you. i want to become a better person for you. So I really wish he wouldn't use that its best for me line as an excuse to throw me away anymore. It would be a different story if he was going this because he personally cant stand me anymore, or no longer love me or is entirely sick of me. I promised I would change for the better for our sake, but it takes two people to do so, and I don't see you putting in the effort to make things better between us. Instead you're hammering a nail into my heart by the day with the way you act and the harshness you throw upon me. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one trying my best and yielding to you know because you get so irritated easily over the simplest things when before you'd never act like that towards me. I know I'm not longer your significant other or at least you don't want me anymore, but why is your behavior black and white. Even as friends he was always a good friend. I really just had a few simple questions I wanted to ask, but I still can't even get any time or answer after a couple of days. It's really making me sick to my stomach.
I just wish things were different...
Labels: bad days, communication, hurt, i don't fucking know., i miss you, insanity, memories, mentality, miserable, mistakes, quote, relationships, sad, sorrow, sorry Sunday, September 29, 2013 @ 9:14 PM
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“here she is, all mine, trying her best to give me all she can. How could I ever hurt her? But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.” Its been a battle just trying to get some time on the phone with him and every time I finally do get permission which is rather said because otherwise without it, all my calls are ignored. The entire phone call just starts with hostility. I don't know where it is coming from, it only makes me think you hate me now. Theres no more exceptions. But even towards are stranger you aren't so harsh. Thats why I can't hold back the tears, hearing your hatred and annoyance in your voice simply because you have to take my phone call is very disheartening. Every word pierces like a needle with your anger and tone. Theres not the slightest tone of remorse of a lost love or that I was loved at all. Usually I don't put up with people who treat me like shit, but time and time again I try to get across to you facing your anger. You don't even realize I'm already changing all my standards and self respect for you. You think you can hear it by tone or life decisions, but you'll never really know all of it. I'm willing to take all the hits as long as I get to stay a part of your life, even if its an insignificant part out of pity. We say we're going to take some time off; I know for sure I'll never love anyone like I do you, but you already brought up the part of moving on to new people who makes us happier. I thought I made you happy or you loved me for the way I made you feel. So if you're actively looking for a new love while I;n loyally waiting for yours, what do I do then? Winter break, spring break, all of it is still not enough time for you. When is there enough time? I don't want to be led on with illusions of a second chance and left even more broken.  I can see you deleting me from all the parts of your life already. So I erased myself from face book entirely. I only wrote and updated about us to begin with. I have no use for it anymore. Have you realized your life is a lot simpler and happier without me existing in your world? I don't see any reason otherwise to your constant harsh tone filled with discontent and annoyance. There was a time when you wanted me to talk to you and make my whole world about you. Now that it is, my whole world is falling apart. I gave you everything I had mentally and physically. but the happiness I thought we had wasn't enough to keep you here. I feel like such a fool. Stupid Stupid girl. I always feel for your pretty words and you can lie to me and deceive me and I'll probably still fall for it anyway because I've given up all my self respect to make you happy. You never realized it or acknowledge it. Or else we wouldn't be at this point where you're telling me I am poison and will never change. I've changed so much more than you know inside and out in order to please you. I'm just a foolish girl in the end. I gave you myself and now it feels like you threw my heart on the pavement, stepped all over it, and backed up your car a few times over it. “But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
When did I mean so little that you can discard me just like that at first without even a thought of trying. Am I the only one whose stupid and refuse to let go because I believe we owe it to ourselves to give it a try? If you're actively looking for a new love that will please you mentally and physically in all the ways you want without speaking back to you, I'll still wait in the background. I've waiting for 8 years watching you love and live your life with someone else in silence. Its selfish to only want someone who never speaks back and is best for you because they treat you well and need you. Its all about your satisfaction. But what about the other person? will you love them simply because they are like your pet and obey you in every sense? You love them because they love you? Or would you rather love someone not out of selfishness but truly love someone because they are the amazing person you always thought them to be, even if they aren't what you need from a relationship thats all about you. You were hurt and made a huge deal when I broke several promises, but you broke every single promise you made to me since day one doing this and I can still find it in my heart to forgive you. But I'm still holding onto your promises. You're a man of your word right? then stop taking the easy way out like I'm so disposing whore.who means nothing so you can brush off and trash me anytime. If you love someone fight for them if you don't even put up a struggle and fight, that only tells the world, yourself and me that person didn't mean much to you to begin with. Its frustrating no matter how you try to justify your actions. And most of all, it hurts. It pains me to every part of me to see thats all I was worth.  Despite everything, It's only about what you believe to be true and the correct approach. Just you and your stubborn believes that your words and thoughts are absolute. Are you not capable of mistakes? Are you god? Is it only your way or the highway?Either way it feels like I'm getting run over and trampled by things flying by me. So why don't you just pull the trigger because I'm slowly dying by your hands and relentless beliefs in your own point of view. I'm willing to compromise everything and to try everything, but why is it that you can just stomp around in anger without doing your part of what we need to improve. It's not just all me, so please stop treating me like shit every time I try to get through to you and have a solid understand on both sides. The way you act and behave. The way you constantly try to get away and hang up. It'd all so harsh, do you see or hear yourself? I do. But I still love you. I never said I was smart but everything you've done to me and got me to believe has opened up a pandora's box I can't close. And it's all for you. Ive chanced a lot more than you recognize over all this time, you're just blinded by whatever it is you want to call how you treat me to acknowledge any of it.  Either way, I'm waiting for you and my voice never to reach you changes into a sad song. I think for now, I'll just bury myself with school since I'm literally all alone. Theres no one reaching out to me and there is no longer anyone I can reach out to for help and support anymore. I feel like I have zero friends and nobody in my life as always. But its nothing new. I'll just pretend I woke up from a really long dream and I'm back to where I was. No matter how much suffering I went through I never want to let go of these memories. As long as you remember me, I don't care of everyone else forgets.
Labels: alone, apathetic, bad days, bad habits, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., lost, relationships, sad, self-esteem, sorrow, tired, truths Thursday, September 26, 2013 @ 12:26 AM
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I often wish I could just stay asleep. The world in my dreams is always better than what I have to deal with in real life most of the time. Even if its a nightmare, somethings I rather stay asleep. Just like that song Mad World, the dreams where I'm dying are the best I've ever had, at times like this. I wish all the drama and fighting was just part of a bad nightmare too and I can just wake up to us. And even if its not quite literal, in a sense I want that to happen, thus the wishfulness of him coming around to see what a great thing we have and will potentially have infinitely. I've been randomly thinking back to the time I coughed up a lot of blood and he showed up at my door right away a couple days after on the very same week out of concern for me. I never asked but he did it instantaneously without any regrets or regards for anything but me. That was the same time right before the biggest hurricane hit and left NYC in a gas shortage for weeks on end making it a living hell for all the drivers. But none of it bothered me too much and none of it mattered because I got to see him before all the destruction hit and just seeing him made me feel much better and reassured. The fact that he'd just hop on the plan the next day because he cares so much meant the world to me and it's still something I'll be forever thankful for. I mean, nobody does that. Nobody. Right? Wrong, one person does that and I found him; the one perfect soul mate for me that would do that. The last decent person in the world; a rare breed out of all the of human beings I actually trust to let into my own world. I didn't deserve such great love but I loved him more than life itself and so I'll never let go regardless.  The days are getting progressively longer and I am back on painkillers. I'm actually contemplating taking the fibromyalgia medication I have leftover from before while I was working as a mortgage counselor and always had constant stress related nerve wrecking headaches, migraines or body aches. It kinda felt like the physical version of an anti-anxiety. The last time I took it out of the blue because I ran out of everything else it completely numbed me physically for several days and almost made me feel paralyzed. For a bit I thought I had permanent nerve damage from taking it cause my body was numb and constantly sore to everything. I could burn myself and I don't think my nerves would have responded. My brain started feeling the same way. Like I was entirely empty and everything started feeling less significant to a point I thought I was starting to feel indifferent and apathetic again. I was afraid I would start to feel nothing towards him and us because of my condition and so he immediately called me every day and stayed on the phone for hours on end straight until I could finally see a doctor or specialist. Even when we had nothing to say on the other end, knowing he was there on end was comforting to know I can hear his voice within any given moment of us together. After the hurricane I was stuck at home for a couple of weeks due to the lack of transportation that was actually running and getting access to gas took lining up in line for hours of end as the line continued on for way too many blocks. Now it just seems like I'm rambling on about random things grasping and holding onto anything I can so we I can get through the days. I think about all our good memories all the time because its posted all around me on my walls and in my mind. To be honest, all the best memories I've had in my life has only happened after he came into my life. Prior to this and that, I was still living in my own invisible hamster ball. I have close friends but everyone is off leading and living their own lives, making their own memories.  Theres no exaggeration involved when I say you're my whole world and everything revolves around you and how I never felt like I was actually living until we met. I was only barely alive, but never truly lived. I don't know why I am going on and on about my own white knight or something of that sort, it may only make it worst if he chooses not to try and work out our differences in the end. Building me up all the way to push me down, I don't want to survive the fall. I'd take precautions not to because I'm that terrified of the pain, like showering myself in gasoline so when you drop the fire, I don't want to exist. I don't quite know what the fuck I am saying or trying to say anymore. It's hard to convey anything when i feel like I'm sleep walking... but typing instead. Nothing helps. Labels: alive, alone, bad days, bad habits, bored, breaking everything, communication, depressed, dull, falling, frustration, health, hurt, i don't fucking know., i miss you, memories, mistakes, reflections, sorry, stuck Tuesday, September 24, 2013 @ 10:39 PM
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I know I'm getting annoyingly repetitive with all the "I miss you/him" but theres no other way to say it. Quite frankly, even if I said it a billion more times, it would still not amount to the depth and how much I really do miss him. Its beyond anything imaginable or describable. Maybe I'm scary but when I fall so deeply, I can't help it. He's my addiction and there's no cure but the moments I get to see him and even then, I still can't get enough. I never get sick of us and if anything I just want more and more, like as if I'm falling in love all over again each and everyday especially when we are together.
I've been smoking way too much lately due to the stress of school, debts, tuition and relationship matters in addition to the extra constant worrying and anticipation. I've been trying Newport Menthol Gold 100s and they're actually pretty good. I usually don't like menthol too much and I'm not a frequent fan of Newport but this blend kinda works. The menthol is very light while the tobacco is really smooth but I can still feel the strong side. It gives the same kick as most stronger cigarettes without the harshness or horrible aftertaste. Anyway, random review aside, I can really feel it taking a toll on my lungs and body but I can't stop. I wish things were different in a sense that things can be ok again. None of my anti anxiety medicine is holding me down from all this drama lately. I can't fall asleep even with my sleep medicine. It's hell all over again and I just want it to stop and be happy with the person I love.
 Today has been yet another one of those days. Everyday is exactly the same but increasingly worst the longer we not only have to be apart but we can't even talk. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him... I hope this time apart will give him time to realize we need each other in so many different ways. More than anything in the world. Are you having the same hard time I am having without you in my daily life? Since he was the one who requested so much time to think about it, I'm not sure if I'm really missed or needed as much as I do him. But I'm hurting for us, I need our love and I need him. All I can do is look through our pictures and read all his letters, notes and reminders which probably isn't the best thing to do, but it's the only thing helping me cope. Every word and memory I cling onto preciously only reminds me more of how we are infinite. This time away isn't clearing my mind one bit, it's only making it worst for me. But I guess I'm just the person who just needs to address the issue at hand at the moment as soon as possible with the best results so we can both feel at ease and loved again. Pulling it on or on hold really kills me but theres nothing I can do but count the seconds to the minutes to the hours to the days. Really I can't believe it's only day two and it felt like two months instead. All I can feel or think of is the constant longing to hear his soothing voice once again in a loving tone and that everything is going to be okay. Please let it be okay.  I couldn't sleep again last night until around 6am in the morning then I woke up again and it was already close to 10. My classes already started and theres really no class Im in a hurry to, one of my classes is already having it's first quiz tomorrow and I'm going to miss it because I think the professor drops the lowest grade so I'll take the hit for that being my dropped grade and do well on the rest of the misterms and finals to make up for it. Theres still many quizzes to come that only make up a small percentage of the grade. Compromise has been the only way I've been getting through school and I really need ot finish for the few people I care about in life so we can keep moving forward. I've gotten two tickets in the last day and night for an expired registration sticker. These stupid meter maids really have nothing better to do but make all their money giving out tickets for every little shit here. It's like they have a quota or a competition for who gives out the most parkings tickets gets to be the uniform of the month. Assholes. Well, I've been running errands all night to fix up the registration and whatnot. I can't even see in the dark anymore, driving in the dark is like blind driving to me, I strain to see all the shadows and just follow the blurry lights by colors ahead of me. I see nothing. I really need to get my eyes checked to get an updated diagnoses on what degree what eyes are at and maybe try to fix it when I'm not entirely broke. Well, heres to the extra headache I get from straining my eyes constantly to see anything. Just add it to this whole everything hurts thing I have going on most of the time.  Well it's 1am now and I've been up since got knows when, running on a couple of hours of sleep. I can actually feel myself blacking out as I type and I keep typing while half asleep although I have no idea what I'm talking about or I don't make any sense at all. Although all thats on my mind is still us and how everything should be okay again, I need to try to pass out so maybe I'll have a chance at actually hearing all 8 of my alarms when they go off before I need to get ready to leave for class. The exhaustion tends to build up sometimes and when I finally sleep, it's like I go into a coma and don't respond or hear anything. It's not something I want as a regular part of my life and theres on'y so little I can try to do to prevent it from being a norm that would eventually fuck up school for me again. I don't know how he does it, but sometimes he's like superman when I know and see all that he does for me, work and everything else in his life. I can see how I must have been so much extra work and another source of unwanted extra exhaustion in addition to the long days and constant lack of sleep. Meanwhile on the other hand all I wanted was to see more of him. Theres always two sides to the story but regardless, I'm sorry love. I know it must be tough to keep up or put up with me while working your ass off. I'm always forever grateful, I just missed you too much it got to my head sometimes from sitting at home all day awaiting your return as the sole purpose of my everyday life and routine I just want to become what you became to me. For you and between us, because you make me want to become a better person because I see so much greatness and good qualities in you and so I want to become all that for you too. The days have been sad and weeping to crying historically has been the same new routine I want to break. But I need him to break it with and for me. So we can keep moving forward like we always have and just our presence to each other is enough to make the other happy with this indescribable feeling of warmth, safety and love flowing from one to another. I miss our moments. But most of all, I miss you... Labels: alone, bad days, breaking everything, communication, depressed, dull, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i miss you, insomnia, miserable, mistakes, relationships, sad, smoking, sorry, stuck, tired Monday, September 23, 2013 @ 7:22 PM
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It's hard when I feel completely mute for the entire day. It's kinda become second nature to me to momentarily tell him how much I miss him or share our day... Several times I naturally went to our messenger conversation and typed I miss you so much ): but realized I couldn't send it. It's all the little things that keeps me going. Even though we don't get to talk much due to our schedule and time, just knowing he's there and thinking of me was enough to fill the void I felt today. It's going to be a super long week... sigh. If this is what my life will amount to, I really don't want to live it. This daily mundane emptiness is killing me. It's been a bad day that dragged on to what feels like forever. I don't actually remember the last time I had a good day since I've been back or stuck here myself to be honest. All I want is to see him again and just be in the comfort of each other's embrace and presence.
I guess at least I finally went to the doctor's today for all my medication. I really wish I didn't have to take them but my insomnia is killing me. Then the rest of it was just a blur, class, bursars, finally got my on campus parking permit. Sociology today was all on the subject matter of love and relationships again. It was killing me like rubbing lemon on a wound. I haven't ate anything in about 2-3 days now but water and tea. Lately I just have no appetite. My daily routine= laying in bed wishing you were here, wake, school, attempt to sleep and that's about it.
I really wish the week would go by sooner and today was Saturday and everything is okay. This anticipation and my constant worrying is pushing my anxiety to a max. It's all thats running in my head. I hate it when left hanging or having to anticipate anything. No matter what I do my head just wanders back to that question praying for the best because that's all I have left and its the only thing in my power... To hope he comes around to realize the magnitude of us. I usually think soul mates and love at first sight and all that stuff was garbage but I stand corrected by the universe; because I do believe we are soul mates and I wish he could see that too... I miss you all the time.
Labels: alone, bad days, communication, depressed, dull, falling, frustration, fucked up, hurt, i don't fucking know., i miss you, insomnia, lost, love Sunday, September 22, 2013 @ 8:58 PM
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I feel completely helpless and more vulnerable than I've ever been. This is going to be the longest week of my life. Just don't ever forget our bond and love for each other and how its above everything. I hope the right decision is made after all we've been through all these years. You can't say you love somebody and do something so cruel without any remorse or trying; crushing them to dust because I'm already broken. I can't handle anymore of it. If it's all taken away, I no longer have a purpose in life. The future we dreamt of together ends before it even started. Don't you see that we haven't even started the rest of our lives yet, this is just the beginning and the stepping stone to our relationship and theres bond be mistakes in the beginning. But we will learn from them.and learn to love more. Love is above all that remorse and grief. We were just so naive but we can take this as a lesson. Never take the amazing person you fell in love for granted and find that unconditional love. We deserve way more than a chance at happiness together because we're meant to be. I fell for the person you were before all of this and under it all, I'll always love you for who you are, regardless.The universe and the world is such a large place and out of billions of people and after a decade, life brought us together and I've never stopped loving you. This merits a lot more than just not giving a shit anymore and throwing in the towel. I hope he comes around and understand what I'm trying to say. We belong together. Labels: alone, bad days, bad habits, beginning, breaking everything, communication, depressed, drama, falling, frustration, fucked up, hurt, insomnia, life, lost, love Sunday, December 18, 2011 @ 4:48 AM
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 I say too much for my own good sometimes. I'm usually go to extremes to keep my personal life aside from work. It sucks that after every conversation I have with a co-worker or person, I second guess it afterwards instantly. My faith in humanity is plummeting by the day. Lately I've been questioning myself, am I confiding in the wrong people? How long is it going to be when it all comes back to me. Every word has consequences and its a bit of a strain to always be on alert for potential backstabbing. There is too much paranoia happening in my mind. I should really just internalize all my thoughts and opinions. Its the safest place to keep things. Too bad I don't listen to myself sometimes. It's like word vomit. There are the times when I'm too honest or blunt and end up hurting friends or people I care about. This is why I can never say everything because the truth is ugly and people don't want to hear it. Honesty is ugly. Everyone wants to be understood but no one appreciates hearing an ugly or negative truth even if you have no ill intentions. I'm constantly stepping on eggshells as I hang on to relationships. I can become a very jealous or selfish person even as I try to maintain being as low maintenance as possible. When I really come to depend on someone, I naturally sabotage things just by being me. Its like my affection is just another kind of poison that slowly withers at things until everything becomes dysfunctional. There were so many times I wanted to say, I'm not asking you to love me, sympathize with me or forgive me for feeling the way I do or being the way I am. All I ask is for you to listen and acknowledge it. That's enough for me. Why does that seem so impossible? Is it too much to ask for? I'm repulsed by myself and the person I am all the time. So you can feel spite me, I understand. I tend to let work take over my life when my original intention is to just make some use of myself. I need something to fill up the days. Well, also because food and shelter doesn't fall from the sky. I can't help but think I'm slowly straying away from everyone in my life. I become a machine. Time does dull things for me, not entirely to the extremes that I become a stranger all over again but I can feel my walls building up again- everyday passing by is another layer of bricks piling on until its impenetrable again. There is nothing but a vague feeling of emptiness.  My schedule is pretty close to being entirely nocturnal and working nights. I constantly wake up in the afternoon before my shift feeling exhausted even on days when I manage to get a normal amount of sleep that night. Someone I know who specialized in sleep study told me ambien doesn't give you the normal kind of sleep you need to feel energized when you wake up. I honestly don't think ambien is doing much for me anymore besides being an off switch that doesn't always work. My tolerance is too high. But still, I will always choose being tired over going crazy not being able to sleep for days in a row. In some cases when my insomnia gets extreme I become self destructive with my desperate attempts to just be able to sleep. Being tired is better than feeling mentally and physically miserable while your mind doesn't listen to your body to shut down. It scares me to think of how I will manage the rest of my life this way. Sleeping is suppose to be a natural instinct or function but I can't seem to perform such a simple task. It's almost equivalent to not knowing how to breathe. I don't know how to sleep or shut myself off. What the fuck is wrong with me. Work wasn't particularly interesting today. I wouldn't call it a shitty day entirely. Why? simply because I got through it, its over with. But none the less- it was pretty shitty, it feels like the female manager is always breathing down my back about every little thing. Sure, just because I'm not your bff or family its okay to give me grief over things that has nothing to do with me. The servers in this place have to get desserts and decorate it ourselves. So I was on the way to the freezer room- really it's like fucking walking into a freezer and shutting yourself inside it. I'm surprise I'm not sick yet from going in and out of that room. As I open the door, the female manager was inside. Lucky me, being the first person in sight as she throws a tantrum kicking empty boxes out of the room. "You can't just dig through the freezer and leave a mess. This is the second week of work, I shouldn't have to keep telling you what to do. I can easily find a replacement." Bitch, has the thought come across your head that there are multiple servers and other people in "training". What is this? fucking kill on sight? I'm not the only one who has to come into this freezing hell hole. Someone dug through the freezer room and left things in a pile of mess, or it accumulated over the week during busy nights. I happen to be the waitress that has the highest sales with up-selling desserts but that does not mean I'm the one responsible for people digging through the freezer room like a wild boar. Its already torture enough that I have to go into a negative freezing cold air tight room to find the desserts, my job description does not entail cleaning up after other incompetent people (the servers who are family and gets away with everything). I wasn't exactly sure what to say besides "Okay..." Arguing and being defensive just seems to be a waste of time and petty. Shes just another one of those people. It won't do me any good between co-workers and this workplace in general to give her a logical argument anyway. Its a lose-lose situation. No one likes the tattletale, not that I know who the hell did it anyway. I'm already busy enough with my section so its not like I'm keeping a tab on what other servers are doing and how they are doing things. This women changes instantly by the minute. Everything is just peachy when I'm settling the check for my tables when just one hour ago shes lashing out at me implying she can fire me. Well no shit you can fire me, that's why I have to put up with you when the only thing you do is constantly spew garbage. I don't think I'd be too broken up about it if I get fired over someone else's mess. In fact, she'd be doing me a favor since I've been thinking of a way to resign gracefully when the time comes to move on. I don't plan on staying in the long run. The thought of me walking out right then and there did run through my head but its unnecessarily dramatic and the only reason I accepted the job at this location to begin with was to build up my resume in this field. Maybe without an outsider in the equation, she'll realize how capable her family and friend servers are. There should be a universal font for sarcasm. There won't be anyone to take the hit when someone fucks up or when she gets stressed out, not until she finds the next poor old bastard who can put up with it. So I just realize Christmas is at the end of this week... none of my presents will make it in time. Shipping overseas is such a pain in the ass. Well, happy unbirthdays it is. & What the fuck? Its almost 5am and I just got a text from the female manager telling me I don't have to go in for the Sunday night shift. Fine with me, Sunday seems to be slow since people usually rest at home and work the following day. Its still strange she text messages me so late in the night. Shes probably catching onto the vibe that I mega loathe her. (I use hate too much! It has lost its impact) I guess I'll try to finish doing the rest of my Christmas shopping tomorrow, ugh. Labels: communication, mental, relationships, sleep, truths, work
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