I keep having these fantasies and dreams that he would finally realize our love and passion for each other and how deeply we both care. So like some epiphany, he just calls me right away instead of waiting a whole silent week. If he comes around and realizes that if he really does love me, thats all he has to say and do; that itself will sweep me off my feet all over again. The notion that he can see again what he saw in us, what I see in us, because he got me to believe in all of it to begin with. I never want to let go. And I hope he never wants to let go. So I can't help but wishfully hope for a spontaneous phone call of realization and clarity of how strong our bond is so all this torture can stop now, but thats hopeful thinking and the kind of wishfulness that usually gets me shot down and disappointed. I just want everything to be okay. I just want you to know I miss you and I hope you still see the same in me.

I often wish I could just stay asleep. The world in my dreams is always better than what I have to deal with in real life most of the time. Even if its a nightmare, somethings I rather stay asleep. Just like that song Mad World, the dreams where I'm dying are the best I've ever had, at times like this. I wish all the drama and fighting was just part of a bad nightmare too and I can just wake up to us. And even if its not quite literal, in a sense I want that to happen, thus the wishfulness of him coming around to see what a great thing we have and will potentially have infinitely.

I've been randomly thinking back to the time I coughed up a lot of blood and he showed up at my door right away a couple days after on the very same week out of concern for me. I never asked but he did it instantaneously without any regrets or regards for anything but me. That was the same time right before the biggest hurricane hit and left NYC in a gas shortage for weeks on end making it a living hell for all the drivers. But none of it bothered me too much and none of it mattered because I got to see him before all the destruction hit and just seeing him made me feel much better and reassured. The fact that he'd just hop on the plan the next day because he cares so much meant the world to me and it's still something I'll be forever thankful for. I mean, nobody does that. Nobody. Right? Wrong, one person does that and I found him; the one perfect soul mate for me that would do that. The last decent person in the world; a rare breed out of all the of human beings I actually trust to let into my own world. I didn't deserve such great love but I loved him more than life itself and so I'll never let go regardless.



The days are getting progressively longer and I am back on painkillers. I'm actually contemplating taking the fibromyalgia medication I have leftover from before while I was working as a mortgage counselor and always had constant stress related nerve wrecking headaches, migraines or body aches. It kinda felt like the physical version of an anti-anxiety. The last time I took it out of the blue because I ran out of everything else it completely numbed me physically for several days and almost made me feel paralyzed. For a bit I thought I had permanent nerve damage from taking it cause my body was numb and constantly sore to everything. I could burn myself and I don't think my nerves would have responded.

My brain started feeling the same way. Like I was entirely empty and everything started feeling less significant to a point I thought I was starting to feel indifferent and apathetic again. I was afraid I would start to feel nothing towards him and us because of my condition and so he immediately called me every day and stayed on the phone for hours on end straight until I could finally see a doctor or specialist. Even when we had nothing to say on the other end, knowing he was there on end was comforting to know I can hear his voice within any given moment of us together. After the hurricane I was stuck at home for a couple of weeks due to the lack of transportation that was actually running and getting access to gas took lining up in line for hours of end as the line continued on for way too many blocks.

Now it just seems like I'm rambling on about random things grasping and holding onto anything I can so we I can get through the days. I think about all our good memories all the time because its posted all around me on my walls and in my mind. To be honest, all the best memories I've had in my life has only happened after he came into my life. Prior to this and that, I was still living in my own invisible hamster ball. I have close friends but everyone is off leading and living their own lives, making their own memories.


Theres no exaggeration involved when I say you're my whole world and everything revolves around you and how I never felt like I was actually living until we met. I was only barely alive, but never truly lived. I don't know why I am going on and on about my own white knight or something of that sort, it may only make it worst if he chooses not to try and work out our differences in the end.

Building me up all the way to push me down, I don't want to survive the fall. I'd take precautions not to because I'm that terrified of the pain, like showering myself in gasoline so when you drop the fire, I don't want to exist.

I don't quite know what the fuck I am saying or trying to say anymore. It's hard to convey anything when i feel like I'm sleep walking... but typing instead. Nothing helps.

Labels: alive, alone, bad days, bad habits, bored, breaking everything, communication, depressed, dull, falling, frustration, health, hurt, i don't fucking know., i miss you, memories, mistakes, reflections, sorry, stuck