I know I'm getting annoyingly repetitive with all the "I miss you/him" but theres no other way to say it. Quite frankly, even if I said it a billion more times, it would still not amount to the depth and how much I really do miss him. Its beyond anything imaginable or describable. Maybe I'm scary but when I fall so deeply, I can't help it. He's my addiction and there's no cure but the moments I get to see him and even then, I still can't get enough. I never get sick of us and if anything I just want more and more, like as if I'm falling in love all over again each and everyday especially when we are together.

I've been smoking way too much lately due to the stress of school, debts, tuition and relationship matters in addition to the extra constant worrying and anticipation. I've been trying Newport Menthol Gold 100s and they're actually pretty good. I usually don't like menthol too much and I'm not a frequent fan of Newport but this blend kinda works. The menthol is very light while the tobacco is really smooth but I can still feel the strong side. It gives the same kick as most stronger cigarettes without the harshness or horrible aftertaste. Anyway, random review aside, I can really feel it taking a toll on my lungs and body but I can't stop. I wish things were different in a sense that things can be ok again. None of my anti anxiety medicine is holding me down from all this drama lately. I can't fall asleep even with my sleep medicine. It's hell all over again and I just want it to stop and be happy with the person I love.

Today has been yet another one of those days. Everyday is exactly the same but increasingly worst the longer we not only have to be apart but we can't even talk. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him... I hope this time apart will give him time to realize we need each other in so many different ways. More than anything in the world. Are you having the same hard time I am having without you in my daily life? Since he was the one who requested so much time to think about it, I'm not sure if I'm really missed or needed as much as I do him. But I'm hurting for us, I need our love and I need him. All I can do is look through our pictures and read all his letters, notes and reminders which probably isn't the best thing to do, but it's the only thing helping me cope. Every word and memory I cling onto preciously only reminds me more of how we are infinite.

This time away isn't clearing my mind one bit, it's only making it worst for me. But I guess I'm just the person who just needs to address the issue at hand at the moment as soon as possible with the best results so we can both feel at ease and loved again. Pulling it on or on hold really kills me but theres nothing I can do but count the seconds to the minutes to the hours to the days. Really I can't believe it's only day two and it felt like two months instead. All I can feel or think of is the constant longing to hear his soothing voice once again in a loving tone and that everything is going to be okay. Please let it be okay.


I couldn't sleep again last night until around 6am in the morning then I woke up again and it was already close to 10. My classes already started and theres really no class Im in a hurry to, one of my classes is already having it's first quiz tomorrow and I'm going to miss it because I think the professor drops the lowest grade so I'll take the hit for that being my dropped grade and do well on the rest of the misterms and finals to make up for it. Theres still many quizzes to come that only make up a small percentage of the grade. Compromise has been the only way I've been getting through school and I really need ot finish for the few people I care about in life so we can keep moving forward. 

I've gotten two tickets in the last day and night for an expired registration sticker. These stupid meter maids really have nothing better to do but make all their money giving out tickets for every little shit here. It's like they have a quota or a competition for who gives out the most parkings tickets gets to be the uniform of the month. Assholes.

Well, I've been running errands all night to fix up the registration and whatnot. I can't even see in the dark anymore, driving in the dark is like blind driving to me, I strain to see all the shadows and just follow the blurry lights by colors ahead of me. I see nothing. I really need to get my eyes checked to get an updated diagnoses on what degree what eyes are at and maybe try to fix it when I'm not entirely broke. Well, heres to the extra headache I get from straining my eyes constantly to see anything. Just add it to this whole everything hurts thing I have going on most of the time.


Well it's 1am now and I've been up since got knows when, running on a couple of hours of sleep. I can actually feel myself blacking out as I type and I keep typing while half asleep although I have no idea what I'm talking about or I don't make any sense at all. Although all thats on my mind is still us and how everything should be okay again, I need to try to pass out so maybe I'll have a chance at actually hearing all 8 of my alarms when they go off before I need to get ready to leave for class. The exhaustion tends to build up sometimes and when I finally sleep, it's like I go into a coma and don't respond or hear anything. It's not something I want as a regular part of my life and theres on'y so little I can try to do to prevent it from being a norm that would eventually fuck up school for me again.

I don't know how he does it, but sometimes he's like superman when I know and see all that he does for me, work and everything else in his life. I can see how I must have been so much extra work and another source of unwanted extra exhaustion in addition to the long days and constant lack of sleep.  Meanwhile on the other hand all I wanted was to see more of him. Theres always two sides to the story but regardless, I'm sorry love. I know it must be tough to keep up or put up with me while working your ass off. I'm always forever grateful, I just missed you too much it got to my head sometimes from sitting at home all day awaiting your return as the sole purpose of my everyday life and routine

I just want to become what you became to me. For you and between us, because you make me want to become a better person because I see so much greatness and good qualities in you and so I want to become all that for you too.

The days have been sad and weeping to crying historically has been the same new routine I want to break. But I need him to break it with and for me. So we can keep moving forward like we always have and just our presence to each other is enough to make the other happy with this indescribable feeling of warmth, safety and love flowing from one to another. I miss our moments. But most of all, I miss you...

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