I'm dazed out and half intoxicated. There's blood everywhere... dripping down onto my clothes, thighs, arms, floor... I don't know what happened...what the fuck is wrong with me.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.” —Charlie

Labels: bad habits, drinking, falling, fucked up, health, hurt, i don't fucking know., insomnia, lost, sorry, stuck, tired

I have about 30 minutes or so to finish this entry before my medicines kick in and I pass out. Lately I've actually been able to shut myself off to sleep without taking ambien like its candy hoping one of them will kick in and work. Its just miserable to a point where I remember I would get desperate enough to just try just about anything to sleep. I think the anti anxiety and the physical workload factors in to how I am able to sleep now with a normal dosage usually. I can feel myself slowly dying away though.

As expected after I finally went to bed around 6am, the door bell went off 3 hours later. The apartment inspector was here. This time I was unlucky and got one of those annoying ones that likes to pick at everything. Last year the inspector women didn't even step into my apartment. From my doorway-  "Is everything okay with your place?" "Yup" "Okay, sign here" and bam- the "inspection" was over within 2 minutes. This morning some middle age white man with a really nasal voice that sounds exactly like Gerald from Everybody Loves Raymond spam rang the doorbell as I miserably crawled out of bed and put on my robe to answer the door. I was half asleep and the guy couldn't catch a hint and get the inspection with over fast. Instead, he goes to every single window in my apartment and then took off the smoke and carbon monoxide detector. I was hoping he wouldn't check it and just seeing it attached on the walls is enough since I took both the batteries out some time ago and I misplaced them since its been so long. He did check it and gives me a lecture about how the landlord needs me to have these things working and in place etc for my safety.

Well, you see... I took off the fire alarm because when I "cook" it pretty much goes off every other time because I'm terrible at cooking and I burn everything including myself sometimes. I just took it off since it gets annoying. The beeping going off is like a beep code language saying "Bitch you fucking fail at cooking so now I'm gonna announce it to all your neighbors." I hate smoke detectors. Well anyway I got written up for up so I'll have to buy some kinda of batteries for it soon and have them confirm that I complied.


The 3 hours of sleep is really taking its toll on me. Anyway, so this shit fest week continues its unbroken streak of bad days. I realize that people always see the worst in me. People who I thought knew me or was my good friend pegs me as a deceiving bitch. The thing is, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of drama and I don't want to give a shit anymore. People can think what they want of me. This happens to be one of those childhood things I've never grown out of or learn to be immune to- being accused or blamed for something but there is nothing you can say or do to defend yourself because the other person just blindly sees what they want to see in you. It's one of the worst feelings ever. The knot in your throat and stomach from frustration and disappointment, that feeling is all too familiar growing up. Especially if its from someone who should know better. I'm tired of defending myself, if your thoughts lead to you assuming I'm garbage, then maybe the friendship was wrong to begin with. So why don't you take my words and drag it through the dirt. They never meant anything. Take your time with this game you play.

I got off work at a bit after 1am today even thought my shift is suppose to end at 11:30pm. I never get out on time and it really blows. Its mostly due to the incompetent managers and it happens that tonight they wanted to hold a "staff meeting" between the servers. It was mostly lectures on things people were doing wrong, I was doing fine but I still had to sit there and listen. Sometime before the meeting one of my co-workers who has been very nice to me asked me if I was OK, I guess the misery was just visibly spewing out of me by the end of a long day and week. "It's just been a shitty week" and he offered that we should just get some drinks to take the edge off. I said no. The thing is, alcohol does nothing for me now. Its boring and a hassle. Plus the medications I'm on makes drinking automatic torture. I never get to the buzz or drunk phase, I just go directly to the hangover phase. Whats the point? But even if I didn't have that holding me back, I still don't drink now. I've had enough of my nights drinking alone thinking it'll help. It doesn't. Its not fucking magical medicine that makes everything better or fix anything. Just misery with misery. Yup, this boredom is drowning my entire life.


The End. I'm too fucking tired to finish this post I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about and I probably won't remember any of this the next day. Time for my escapism.

Labels: apathetic, drinking, friendships, lies, life, relationships, work

suf·fo·cate (sf-kt)
v. suf·fo·cat·ed, suf·fo·cat·ing, suf·fo·cates
v.tr.
1. To kill or destroy by preventing access of air or oxygen.
2. To impair the respiration of; asphyxiate.
3. To cause discomfort to by or as if by cutting off the supply of fresh air.
4. To suppress the development, imagination, or creativity of; stifle.
v.intr.
1. To die from lack of air or oxygen; be asphyxiated.
2. To feel discomfort from lack of fresh air.
3. To become or feel suppressed; be stifled.

I take these things so I don't feel. Not really sure what I'm doing this for but I need something to fill up the days. Tonight to celebrate, I'll poison myself. My voice, never to reach you, changes into a sad song. Just forget me, its that simple. This shaking really keeps me steady. Broken tape recorder. Worn down radio. When I wrote this down I was drinking all alone, wishing them all away.



A nightmare is an unpleasant dream that can cause a strong negative emotional response from the mind, typically fear and/or horror, but also despair, anxiety and great sadness. The dream may contain situations of danger, discomfort, psychological or physical terror. Sufferers usually awaken in a state of distress and may be unable to return to sleep for a prolonged period of time.

(Last night I dreamt you still loved me).
It was awful.

I’m surprised I didn’t wake up screaming.


Just live through the day and try real  fucking hard not to look back. Good fucking night.

Labels: alone, drinking, falling, letting go, life, lost, whatever

Holidays were never a big deal in my family nor are they celebrated. This year was no exception. My mom was out of the city with her fiance and I went over to a friend's place. It was just a small gathering for those of us who don't really have families that share thanksgiving together. All of us have known each other for almost a decade. Its strange how we're still practically the same group now but all grew up in our own ways. Well, I'm not sure I grew up that much mentally. So yeah, I thought of it as a nice way to create your own family and have our own small thanksgiving. Makes me think of this- sometimes family or people that care about you the most aren't always your family or blood, but the people and friends you surround yourself with. I forgot where I heard or saw it from. Fuck, now I'm going to be really OCD and search for it the rest of the day.

We had hotpot (nabe) and the first thing I said what I sat down was "ew wtf are these vegetarian things here, put the meat on this side". I don't think I touched any of the veggies they put in, except a few slices of taro if that counts. "JUST GIVE US ALL THE MEAT!". I'm shamelessly obnoxious like a man around my friends, mostly because we're so close or we've known each other for so long that there really is no shy factor anywhere in our relationships. I probably ate a months worth of protein. I ate way too much, or maybe its because I really haven't been eating much lately that eating a lot of real food randomly just made me feel a bit sick afterwards since my stomach started to hurt.

After dinner we popped open a bottle of blush wine and played mahjong (hella Asian). Wine is usually not my drink of choice nor do I drink it often but I actually liked this blush wine. Maybe its the cute pink beverage placebo effect. Well, I was mostly on the laptop checking on things I want to get for Black Friday and watching them play while drinking the wine since I suck ass at the game. Also, I don't remember most of the rules nor do I know how to read the numbers. Funny thing is, everyone there was better than me and some of them weren't even Asian. They're either super cool or I just major failed. Well... it's probably both.


It was just a good day off. I played a few rounds and managed to win 50 cents, I'm rich. Good game. We really weren't playing seriously. I think it was just more fun that half of us didn't know how to play properly so it made the situation all that more ridiculous since half of us were using "cheat sheets" where my friend wrote down all the Chinese characters and what number it meant for us. Most of the game time while I was on the table was me yelling "WAIT!! *checks sheet* okay hold up so.. 5 6..7." ..."WAITT!! what did you put down?"  "Can I get that?"  and more distractions. I really do feel bad for the people that put up with me sometimes.

Oh, we also ended up making a drunk call to our friend in Florida, I don't think we made any sense. I told her I took pictures of everyone's cleavage for her. We decided to play Mad Gab afterwards because its extra hilarious to see drunk people try to pronounce or make out words. I kept cracking up like an idiot because some of their pronunciations were so ridiculous. "YO JUST SAY THAT WITHOUT THE GERMAN/FRENCH AND YOU GOT IT!!" or our clues where just something like, "So, this is how you would pronounce the word if you were Japanese and speak engrish." I got carried by my team first round and we won, I seriously cannot comprehend accents so this was probably the worst game for me to play. I probably only got 2 or 3 right out of all the rounds. Then we switched up the teams and ended up tying 2nd round.


By the end of the night we finished off the entire bottle of blush wine and vodka. They were pretty fucking big bottles too probably 1.5L each. I haven't been able to hold my alcohol well at all lately, ever since I started taking one of these medicines I'm sure. I felt the same the last time I drank a lot when my friend came back to NYC to visit. I think it may have to do with the medicines I'm required to take and the fact that I'm not suppose to be drinking while on them. I figured, as long as I don't drink a couple of hours before or after I drink, I won't die. So it's okay, but it really makes the alcohol hit me extra hard though.

Also, its my ToTM again, for some odd reason almost every time they want to do some event or hang out it's my ToTM. Unfortunately I'm unlucky and don't fall under the category of women who can have their period like its nothing. I get really bad cramps, even more anemic than I usually am, skin issues and just generally feel like shit. Same thing happened last month, we always do things around the same time of the month. I was on my 4th or 5th drink and I really started to feel it, I probably had about 6-7 drinks total before I stopped. My friend likes to make mines extra strong like 1:1 cause that's how I had it before, she'll be my favorite bartender if she actually decides to become one.

It was a fun night, I was already at the hangover phase by the time I got dropped off at home and the rest of them went Black Friday shopping at the mall. What troopers, apparently they were shopping until 7am waiting at places and whatnot. I'm afraid of shopping on a normal day, so I imagine Black Friday to be something like WW2 with soccer moms and Hollister obsessed teenagers playing tug-o-war with clothes they want and electronic stores to be like the march of the geeks. Who knows. I'm not sure I'll ever find out.

Labels: drinking, friends, holidays, thanksgiving