I have about 30 minutes or so to finish this entry before my medicines kick in and I pass out. Lately I've actually been able to shut myself off to sleep without taking ambien like its candy hoping one of them will kick in and work. Its just miserable to a point where I remember I would get desperate enough to just try just about anything to sleep. I think the anti anxiety and the physical workload factors in to how I am able to sleep now with a normal dosage usually. I can feel myself slowly dying away though.

As expected after I finally went to bed around 6am, the door bell went off 3 hours later. The apartment inspector was here. This time I was unlucky and got one of those annoying ones that likes to pick at everything. Last year the inspector women didn't even step into my apartment. From my doorway-  "Is everything okay with your place?" "Yup" "Okay, sign here" and bam- the "inspection" was over within 2 minutes. This morning some middle age white man with a really nasal voice that sounds exactly like Gerald from Everybody Loves Raymond spam rang the doorbell as I miserably crawled out of bed and put on my robe to answer the door. I was half asleep and the guy couldn't catch a hint and get the inspection with over fast. Instead, he goes to every single window in my apartment and then took off the smoke and carbon monoxide detector. I was hoping he wouldn't check it and just seeing it attached on the walls is enough since I took both the batteries out some time ago and I misplaced them since its been so long. He did check it and gives me a lecture about how the landlord needs me to have these things working and in place etc for my safety.

Well, you see... I took off the fire alarm because when I "cook" it pretty much goes off every other time because I'm terrible at cooking and I burn everything including myself sometimes. I just took it off since it gets annoying. The beeping going off is like a beep code language saying "Bitch you fucking fail at cooking so now I'm gonna announce it to all your neighbors." I hate smoke detectors. Well anyway I got written up for up so I'll have to buy some kinda of batteries for it soon and have them confirm that I complied.


The 3 hours of sleep is really taking its toll on me. Anyway, so this shit fest week continues its unbroken streak of bad days. I realize that people always see the worst in me. People who I thought knew me or was my good friend pegs me as a deceiving bitch. The thing is, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of drama and I don't want to give a shit anymore. People can think what they want of me. This happens to be one of those childhood things I've never grown out of or learn to be immune to- being accused or blamed for something but there is nothing you can say or do to defend yourself because the other person just blindly sees what they want to see in you. It's one of the worst feelings ever. The knot in your throat and stomach from frustration and disappointment, that feeling is all too familiar growing up. Especially if its from someone who should know better. I'm tired of defending myself, if your thoughts lead to you assuming I'm garbage, then maybe the friendship was wrong to begin with. So why don't you take my words and drag it through the dirt. They never meant anything. Take your time with this game you play.

I got off work at a bit after 1am today even thought my shift is suppose to end at 11:30pm. I never get out on time and it really blows. Its mostly due to the incompetent managers and it happens that tonight they wanted to hold a "staff meeting" between the servers. It was mostly lectures on things people were doing wrong, I was doing fine but I still had to sit there and listen. Sometime before the meeting one of my co-workers who has been very nice to me asked me if I was OK, I guess the misery was just visibly spewing out of me by the end of a long day and week. "It's just been a shitty week" and he offered that we should just get some drinks to take the edge off. I said no. The thing is, alcohol does nothing for me now. Its boring and a hassle. Plus the medications I'm on makes drinking automatic torture. I never get to the buzz or drunk phase, I just go directly to the hangover phase. Whats the point? But even if I didn't have that holding me back, I still don't drink now. I've had enough of my nights drinking alone thinking it'll help. It doesn't. Its not fucking magical medicine that makes everything better or fix anything. Just misery with misery. Yup, this boredom is drowning my entire life.


The End. I'm too fucking tired to finish this post I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about and I probably won't remember any of this the next day. Time for my escapism.

Labels: apathetic, drinking, friendships, lies, life, relationships, work