I had my usual doctors' appointment today. My health insurance just keeps getting worst as I get older. The list of things that it doesn't cover keeps getting bigger. At least I still get co-pay. I originally intended to attempt to go squeeze in some physical Christmas shopping before I'm too late along with stuff I ordered online. I'm always late. It didn't happen. I could probably go on about the other details of the day or what I've been doing, but my mind feels like it's lost in a fog at the moment. I just wish things were different.

You could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

Somehow no matter how strong I think I've build my walls I'm never fully immune, she still has the ability to break me down. Is it guilt? I owe you so much for being alive. I know. It's all my fault. I'm sorry. You think I'm just full of bullshit, I'm tired. Misunderstood, I'll take it. Nothing I do or say will change your mind. It's always been your way or the highway. I'm not strong, but I'll live long enough to redeem myself for existing in your life because if there's anything you've taught me growing up, its this. I'll enforce it. I'll live for you and in the end, I'm not mad at you or anyone but myself.

These things I take, its like a transparent blanket over everything. I remember that's why I stopped after a few months when I was around 17. I felt everything and nothing at the same time. Whatever, fuck it. Just sleep it off and wake up, work, get through the day- I've done what I can.

Labels: grow up, i don't fucking know.