I often find myself randomly writing down notes or paragraphs for the night after I get off work, but I never really manage to finish an entry as often as I'd like. Mostly because I'm OCD and I feel like halfass entries about one pointlessly boring event in my life does not warrant a whole entry on its own. So I end up writing a collection of pointlessly boring events and thoughts from my week so that maybe it'll somewhat add up to something. I'm not even writing for anyone but myself, yet I'm so anal about things like this. It's not like I'm some wordsmith or brilliant writer either. Settling with halfass things would fit so perfectly, but I'm so tired of it. Even if its just for myself.

I realize that even though I'm writing mainly as an outlet and a way of organizing my thoughts- there are certain people who do follow my blog regularly or check up randomly but generally I don't know my audience or each and every reader. I have no idea who is reading and judging as I whine on consistently about random shit which does make me paranoid. I try to remind myself that it's for myself and I shouldn't give a damn. Why don't I put this on private? because I don't want to feel like I have a need to hide or be ashamed of anything. I'm generally very vague about who or what I'm talking about anyway, I never mention names or publish any comments that may be too personal. The anonymity is good enough so if someone reads it, so be it. This is something I've picked up from someone I looked up to. Have the balls to just say all the shit you hold back and screw the moral standards of whats socially acceptable to say or talk about openly. I think bloggers who have the willpower to blog every day about all the good and the ugly become stronger in their own ways. I once talked to someone about how they are able to look back on their old writing without the instant self-hate and the "what the fuck was I thinking saying and crying about that shit" moments. I try hard not to read my old entries or look back at all.

I've been contemplating just shutting down this blog in general but that only reminds me of everything I've ever flaked out on. I'm a flake. But then I realize it also tells me that I've lost the battle against myself for letting the paranoia get to me and the insecurities make decisions for me. I guess my pride and stubborn attitude vs myself stopped me from crumbling and shutting this thing down. Just keep telling myself, I'm doing this for myself. Fuck it, just do it.


So anyway, as I was saying about trying to continue writing. Lately I have no motivation to do anything. Even the small simple things in everyday life I feel like its a hassle. Like; what the fuck I have to breath, what a drag. No, it's really not about me taking lazy to a whole new level. It's just the boredom that drowns everything, the puddle is getting larger. It got to a point lately where in some ways I'm isolating myself again. I'd rarely answer messages or talk much anymore. I'm always out of it and the distance is building. Me in my own head making peace with absolutely nothing. I noticed almost all my recent posts have been about work which is pretty damn pathetic but that's all that's been going on in life lately. There's no particular change or anything good going for me right now. The thing is, I don't want to be okay or content with nothing or taking these things for the rest of my life so I don't feel. I don't.


I guess I've been up to nothing but the same old bad habits, bad decisions and vicious cycles. Its really true those who don't reflect on history will continue to make the same mistakes. I don't like looking back at all. Kind of like how the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I'm insane. I wish I'd listen to myself more often because I do give myself pretty good advice, I just rarely listen. My brain is like my personal abusive spouse, the loud voice screaming in the microphone about what I should and shouldn't do and how badly I've fucked up. Then I'm self destructive in my own ways since I never listen. I should know better than to believe or become attached to anyone other than myself but occasionally I do and I end up disappointed or feeling empty. Because you... you write such pretty words. I don't like to hurt but I can't help it. Fuck. So I just disconnect myself from it all. I've been like a ghost the past few weeks. Just going with the days becoming quieter as if I slowly don't exist. It's probably why I feel like shit all the time lately with the lack of motivation, to random bipolar shit like not eating then randomly bingeing on ice cream and chocolates. I was completely sober for over a month or two before I started drinking again, just a few times after work but I think I'm really pushing it because of the medicine I have to take. I can feel my body giving up on me so I'm giving it a break. I'm really not trying to get myself killed here, I have pretty high tolerance. Its more of a spur of the moment thing. Live fast, die young? Not on purpose of course, I just don't want to have restrictions or be one of those people who are so busy worrying about their mortality and all the shit they want to achieve that they forget to live. Just live.

Oh, my ID card came in the mail the other day. That was fairly quick, it's only been about a week since I went to the DMV. So yeah, I finally have a "real" ID. Picture actually came out pretty good too. For once an ID where I don't look entirely pissed off or retarded. Or my old school ID where I drew myself a uni-brow and mustache. No more whipping out my passport and getting confused or weird looks as to why I carry my passport. I joke that its because I'm ready to leave and run away at any moment. I actually like the idea of that, if only it was actually true. It's a very standard and simple thing, I don't know why but it's so weird to me. I observe it like it's some kind of foreign object from mars or something. Everyone has an ID and its normal, yet I've gone so many years without one, now that I finally do- my life is all out of whack or some shit because of this card. I don't know, what the hell. It's just... interesting. Kind of like the fascination you first feel when you get a new toy you've never had before....? Like, is this what it feels like to be normal? Well look at me getting all ahead of myself like its magical. It's a fucking ID, I'm weird. Anyway, I can't wait to start driving. Need some kind of escapism other than sleeping. A new escape where I'm actually conscious.


I've pretty much became completely nocturnal because of my schedule. I'd go to sleep around 4am-6am, wake up a bit past noon, do whatever I need to do and have a meal before I leave for work late noon then get off work late night. I seriously never have to see the sun and to be honest, I'm quite OK with that. I really haven't gone out in the day for the most part these past few months unless its absolutely necessary like early appointments and whatnot. Even my curtains are super thick and dark so the sun doesn't pour through during the day which I've always found very disturbing. If I was a twilight fan, I'd just go buy some sprinkles, glitter or whatever- go nuts with it and call it a day. Seriously though, this has made my sensitivity to light a lot worst than it use to be... hypersensitivity to light? whatever it's called. Its actually becoming very awkward and uncomfortable. I use to just avoid going out in the summer heat and just wear sunglasses and find the shade to walk under, now it just feels like a phobia. The fuck? Yeah... I don't know. This is really going to screw me over when the spring semester starts and I actually have to go to class. I'm really slow in the morning, especially with getting ready because I have a bad habit of just having coffee and watching / reading random crap instead of getting ready. I procrastinate everything...

So last week I signed up to a few driving lessons because my mom refuses to let me drive or sit next to me again while I drive because I scare the hell out of her. "I'd rather go sit in the trunk if you're driving." I'm really not that reckless, its just because she knows that I have no fear of it. I'm not as afraid as I should be behind the wheels so that scares her? I don't know. Anyway I had my first lesson with the driving instructor last week since my mom demands I complete a course before I start driving on my own. They should call the first lesson with the instructor, the lecture brought to you by yours truly, captain obvious. This is the steering wheel... This is the brake... Seriously? Really back to basics. I was the kid who never read any instructions before anything. So I just drove around as he instructed and half of the time he was more confused than I was. He kept asking me "...so uh do you understand?" "are you listening to me?" Yeah, I'm kind of expressionless sometimes or I don't answer. I would think its implied that I understood since I didn't have any questions for him and last time I checked, you listen with your ears not your mouth. It really throws people off though. Reminds me of the time my teacher stopped me after class and asked me with a really concerned look on his face if I was either extremely bored or lost because he couldn't read or understand me at all. What the fuck? "Yeah, I understood your lecture. I was simply listening that's all." Him: "Oh...okay." Still confused? good, you're not meant to understand. It's a bit humorous.

Which reminds me, I am a fraud. Certain people, like some of my co-workers or customers would think I'm the most sociable there is and there's no way I can be anti-social and extremely cynical because of what I let them believe. They'd often ask what I want to do or plan on majoring in- I have no idea. One of them was absolutely convinced I would pursue a career where I'd work with people because I seem like a people person, hah. Otherwise I wouldn't be working as a waitress. Well, lady- you're wrong. All you need is tolerance. I guess that means I'm doing my job right. Although there are times I kind of zone out and I'm completely quiet doing what I have to do. It's not flawless though. There are times where my bad day or week clearly shows. One of my co-workers at workplace1 greets me with an "Are you okay? You look frazzled." half the time. Its hard to hide it sometimes, I just try hard not to let it get in the way. I usually just say I'm not feeling to well or it's been a long week. I stopped saying I felt sick even if I am sick now though since one of the guy co-workers tries to be a smart ass and tease that I'm lovesick lately. I really should have lied and said I have a boyfriend to begin with to make things easier, but who knew that'd be necessary at all. I've been asked out by 4 different people so far between the 2 workplaces and it's really awkward. One of them especially embarrassing since he did it in front of the whole restaurant. I usually just say that I already have plans for the week and I'm really busy. I feel bad for consistently saying no, but the truth is- they don't know much about me and that's the way I want it to be. I keep the many different parts of my life in strictly organized sections whether its work, personal, family, friends or acquaintances, they all have their own category. I feel bad but as far as I believe, they are my co-workers. So outside of work, they're as good as strangers to me. Cold I know, but it's just less complicated this way. Them asking me at first if I had a ride home or if my boyfriend was going to pick me up was a trap question.

Either way, none of this matters because I'm getting pretty fed up with management anyway. Especially at workplace2, I still haven't gotten base pay and its been over a month. Apparently everyone in the kitchen got paid already and I know it's a new restaurant but they're just feeding me excuses about their accountants sending in my taxes late or something. I don't know what to make of it. I mean, I make good money on tips alone for the night but that doesn't mean you get an excuse to pay me late because your business bank account is low on funds after inventory and paying off the entire BOH staff or whatever it may be. Who knows, maybe I'll just get fired soon for whatever reason. Again, won't break my heart. I'm just about ready to say fuck it and walk out the door. The only reason I tolerated this as long as I have is because I wanted to have the experience on book for better part time opportunities. I'll have to quit one of my jobs anyway when classes start, so the job I end up with or start looking for needs to be worth the time and be the correct decision. Oh speaking of workplace2 I found a random picture of it, from a weird angle, it doesn't show the hibachi section / the section we usually use for reservations of big parties.


I finally started watching Dexter after putting it off for years since so many people kept telling me I should watch it. I managed to stomach it and watch all of season 1 so far. Surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be because a lot of the gore, the act of killing or murder itself is either censored, implied or left out. So its really just dead bodies, blood and fucked up shit like dismembered body parts. Not a pleasant picture to look at but it's not something I can't handle since I look away anyway. Whats really fucking with my head is the barbie scenes. Dolls really scares the shit out of me. I find that scarier and creepier than all the dead corpses and chopped up bodies laid out. That, and the hand. Ugh, just something about dolls and fingernails that really fucks with my head. Reminds me of so many psychological thrillers or something which I can't handle at all. To be quite honest for most of the other really bloody parts I just look away slightly and listen until I know the scene is over. I cheat. But it was good.

Now for something really random. I came across pictures in my email I sent to myself 6-7 years ago. I'm glad I sent these to myself. I really don't take many pictures. I hate posed pictures for memories. You know, the classic forced smile + peace sign picture, the ones where almost everyone has a few hundred of. It was pictures of the Goo Goo Dolls at Woodstock. Best summer ever, and this is coming from someone who hates the sun and heat with passion. Yup, still one of the best summers- exploring the woods then getting freaked out and running the fuck out, me failing at trying to learn to swim and drowning in the pool included. I felt infinite.

I miss going to concerts or even shows for small indie bands at bars. I have no life now and everything bores me. I need something to look forward to and be excited about. Recently discovered that L'arc~en~ciel is going to be playing at Madison Square Garden this March. I really want to go since it's not often Japanese rock bands I like actually tour NYC since booking venues here is more expensive I guess. Hyde never ages... I just hope he doesn't come with that hairdo. I don't like going to concerts alone though haha... need the weasel to hold my hand again so me being the midget that I am don't die in the mosh pit. Guess in many ways I'm kind of like a kid. Then again, its at Madison Square Garden, most people will probably be sitting- boring. The arena is huge too so the tickets that cost the least would probably be a mile away and I don't own binoculars. Maybe just for old times sake...

Labels: bad habits, bored, co-workers, concerts, fraud, health, memories, random, reflections, relationships