I write here for myself to keep my thoughts organized about my personal uneventful life and everything
else in between. I speak Engrish for the most part. So if you're a judging close minded asshole or
excessively annoying grammar nazi - fuck you, shut up and go away. This is my place, my rules. Keep
your shoes on.
 
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Tuesday, February 7, 2012 @ 12:22 AM
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 The female manager I've been bitching about on a regular basis did it over text. I called back after I got to it, she didn't pick up and let the phone ring. Fucking captain courage right there, way to let go of an employee over text and be too chicken to pick up the call afterwards. My mind went blank for a minute to process if it was really happening and then I calmly wrote back in a civil way. Yup, I'm so full of it. I even thanked them for the opportunity and wished the place good luck. I don't know why I found it so funny because its hard to even convince myself when it comes to the actual sincerity of what I said. I'm suppose to pick up my paycheck whenever its "ready". So when they finally decide to pay me, my first paycheck will be the final one as well. I was actually kind of relieved- I was already running drills of how I would quit the job eventually in my mind anyway. Almost immediately after, I hopped on craigslist and started browsing for better waitressing jobs in the city. I even took a head shot since I realized I didn't have a recent one that's usable. I ended up not sending out any resumes since I realize I still have a job and now is not the time to just jump headfirst into getting 2 jobs again. I should take it easy, school is right around the corner.  "Recent Headshot" I took. I tried to smile, it didn't work out. Oh well, not going to make use of it anyway. Oddly enough, my boss from workplace1 suddenly calls me a couple days later and ask if I can pick up the weekend shifts. He asked me a while back if I could work more days aside from just Monday and Tuesdays but at the time I said I already had other obligations at the other place. Not anymore. Maybe its karma picking up on my side or whatever the hell it is but the timing was perfect. I lost my weekend shift which was the best pay and then I finally score the weekend shift at workplace1. I'm actually going to be working more hours than I initially was before I got laid off at workplace2. Except it'll all be at one place. So much for taking it easy since the semester starts soon. I'm hoping my tolerance will hold me back from hating everyone. Its easier to just suck it up and get through it when I'm having a really shitty night when I tell myself I only have to work there for another day or two, then I work somewhere else. Change of environments keeps me going so the resentment doesn't build up so fast as compared to working somewhere consistently. It's somewhat of a reset button like crawling in bed by the end of a long day. I don't have to face the same assholes the entire week. Now I do- but that should be the last of my complains. I wish I wasn't so good at instantly picking out all the negative aspects of things when something "good" happens. Or something that should be considered good.  The week just started flying by since that night. I didn't have the weekend shift and I took a week off to catch up on personal things that needs to be done and school. I spent most of my week just catching up on chores, paperwork and driving. Oh, and to try to not be such a fucking terrible friend all the time. I have to retake an exam tomorrow. I'm screwed. I forgot all my math so they're probably going to make me retake the courses. Balls. This is why I said I felt like I should do something that requires some brain power so I don't become a complete dimwit. All my time in school and classes has simply been learn, pass and discard. Yup, all those years was just for the moment and nothing but a waste of time afterwards. I was initially trying to actually "study" but who am I kidding. I'm so off my game and I suck at cramming. Aka. I'm lazy as fuck. Whatever happens happens. I'll just go with it. I've still been feeling like shit lately but at least I got over my chocolate and green tea ice cream bingeing phase. Maybe I'm PMSing, maybe I'm just being me or maybe I'm going crazy again. I really can't tell anymore. Still nothing eventful for the time being. Its a big change compared to my completely standstill lifestyle before but I don't feel any different. I think that's probably whats been bothering me a lot lately- fear of being permanently unhappy and bored about everything. I had my mind set on doing so many things but it doesn't make me feel anything. Just like how I was obsessed with my weight and when I finally dropped it, I wasn't any happier. I've been thinking, if I didn't aim so high about what I want to feel- what would simply just make me feel alive? None of this is doing it. All the things I'm suppose to be doing and all these pills. I feel nothing. I spend most of my time being a ghost to people. Slowly dying off and becoming mute again to everyone around me. Like I said, I have no life now and my motivation is completely dead. Living like a machine. I've mostly been watching Dexter, most of it isn't as bad or scary as I imagine until I randomly see a bloody head or chopped up body parts or dolls. Surprisingly I made it to Season 5 already. I actually find it hilarious. Dexter reminds me of someone I know. The dry dark humor and personality. Sometimes I get really paranoid at night though so I watch random chick flicks to compensate for all the blood. Yup, just work, watch random shit, sleep and repeat for the most part. As for something to look forward to, the distance may be gone in just a couple months. Its a bit surreal but its something and someone to look forward to. Time ticking down- It turns out I am going to the L'arc~en~ciel concert. I don't know if I'm excited or nervous for many reasons.  You can definitely do the talk like the talk on TV. Using the song like its meant to be. The second hand Blackberry donated to me some time ago finally died on me. Well not dead but somehow everything I own breaks in the most ghetto ways. The trackball fell out somewhere into oblivion (my room) and chances are I'll never find it again. Plus its been lagging, freezing up and not scrolling properly for a while now. I broke the case of my last phone before this and superglued it together. Poor thing put up a good fight. So I finally switched to the oh so fucking awesome new high tech smartphone I've been avoiding. Technology is seriously wasted on me and I couldn't figure out all the fancy new functions for the life of me. I don't use internet or any of that on it since I don't play with my phone, I use it to communicate only. Chances are if I'm out I'm busy, a phone serves no purpose as entertainment to me when it comes to browsing, apps and games. Talking to friends or reading a book will do the same. If I wanted to watch Youtube and shit, I'd do it at home. Plus I cant seem to operate touchscreens. Small hands yet fat fingers- fuck my life so hard. Anyway. Yeah, my cellphone breaking adventures. That's RIP 2 phones within a year. Well I should sleep early since I have to wake up early tomorrow. It's been a long time since I actually got up in the morning, an actual morning like 6-7am. My definition of morning somehow became 3pm in the afternoon over the years. Now that I think about it, I'm so fucked when I register and get early classes. I feel like a child all over again- fearing the first day of school. Yup, I’ve regressed - like I’m 18 all over again, bored with everything and everyone, waiting for my life to begin yet resisting it somehow. "We grew up way too fast and now there's nothing to believe." Hitting milestones in age certainly didn't change anything for me. Peter pan syndrome as usual? I still feel like a kid or maybe I'm just afraid to let go. I'm way behind. Labels: bored, breaking everything, co-workers, concerts, job, schedule, school, work 6 Comments:
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