I write here for myself to keep my thoughts organized about my personal uneventful life and everything
else in between. I speak Engrish for the most part. So if you're a judging close minded asshole or
excessively annoying grammar nazi - fuck you, shut up and go away. This is my place, my rules. Keep
your shoes on.
 
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Wednesday, November 16, 2011 @ 11:44 PM
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  I always screw myself over and the fact of the matter is- I'm sickly aware of exactly what I'm doing wrong but I don't do anything about it. Fucking disgusting human being. I don't know if I should crush my brain for being a piece of shit that has done nothing but stay in the same cycle or if I should punch myself in the face for pampering my sorry ass. It's awesome to get credit for living just for being alive isn't it. No, not really. All my previous ambitions (or more like parental expectations) withered away and I was okay with it. The major flaw was- I didn't replace the dreams I threw away with new ones of my own choice. “Not everyone has a sob story, Charlie, and even if they do, it’s no excuse.” -Perks of Being A Wallflower This is no secret to anyone who knows me in life - I've been lost for a long time. Whether it's justifiable or not I've used up every excuse or sob story there is. I have no excuse to be the way I am. "I just don't know what I want to do yet" "I've been in school all my fucking life, I want to just take a break and work for a while" <insert sob story here> I've said it all before. It all just comes down to this- Shit happened, I've been so busy being stuck in the past that I don't know how to look forward to the future. Motivation is one of the key ingredients to moving forward or knowing what you want. I have none. Whats the substitute for motivation? BS. So for the past years, I've been working around for the most part hoping a career I want to pursue will fall into my lap. Maybe they should invent a magic 8 ball for hopeless students. Just fucking listen to it and be a cabbage.  I initially intended to return to the whole schooling system this upcoming Spring semester. Deadlines were a couple of months ago and I am nowhere. (Brain: You fucking imbecile you saw the notification email ages ago why do you do this to yourself <insert more running thoughts here>) So out of desperation, I actually called a friend I trust and asked for help. I think I spent most of my time next to her raging and asking her questions about every little detail due to my paranoia that every little detail carries the opportunity of screwing me over. As if I didn't do that already myself. I was growing increasingly aggravated by the second for all the wrong reasons. "K I HATE THIS WTF IS MY NAME WHERE DO I DO THIS?!!?" basically how most of the night went. She really is patient since she teaches for a living at the moment. That's probably how she is able to put up with me, just pretend I'm an obnoxious 5 year old. I really should plan something fun for her. She really deserves it. My temper is terrible around certain people I'm really close with because they'll forgive me. God, I'm such a bastard. I always replay the situation in my head afterwards and feel like shit, but it's already done. I'll let you abuse me if you let me abuse you. Actually no, I'd get pretty fucking pissed. Damn. Lets just keep running at full speed. I'm the type that can't sit still once I start something. I hate guessing games. I hate anticipation. I use hate too much, I need to find a stronger word for hate. In the name of Dr. Cox, I mega-loathe everything. So after abusing my friend (sorry, I'll feed you.) I called a couple more people to harass them about it. Turns out, there's nothing more I can do but wait. I can already feel the seconds, hours, days and weeks going at a glacial pace.  Today I finally went to visit my grandma on my dad's side. Due to various reasons, there is this overwhelming feeling of guilt every time I go. I think she misses me sometimes now that hes gone. Maybe because I'm whats left of the child she lost. Maybe it's because a lot of my physical features are taken after my father. I don't know, but it makes me sad. She wasn't very fond of me before or as a kid. Well, lets just say years back, if we were to line up her grandchildren from her most to least favorite, I'd be at the end of the line. I don't know where I stand now. I never really consciously thought about it but she really is getting older. I can see it clearly every time I visit her. Probably because there are usually very large time gaps between my visits and time takes its toll. She always loved flowers and decorating her place so I spontaneously bought her a beautiful bouquet I saw on my walk there.  Most of my day just consisted of wandering around and traveling. My feet hurts. Hah, reminds me of the old times. "Good shoes won't save you this time." They never have. I managed to get home and work out anyway. I kept my promise, I actually started Sunday instead of Monday. It feels like the first couple of days when I was just beginning all over again, it was murder. My endurance went back down the week I took a break. I've been getting statements that I look like I lost a lot of weight from friends and acquaintances. (Yeah, literally statements not compliments) So I guess the pain was worth it. Just a bit. Now for another negative 20lbs. My finally completed workout clothes; the sports bra investment was worth it. I'm wearing a tank over it and yes, hello kitty shorts. Super hardcore.   Wow, I tend to go from one topic to another a lot. Just exactly like how my fucking brain works. So here are more random things. I won't argue that my English is terrible. My primary language is actually Engrish. I got a negative 14 in English class once because I just scribbled random things on the quiz instead of answering any of the questions correctly (mostly because I barely showed up to class and didn't know what the hell the content was on). The teacher had an awesome sense of humor. Fucking post on fridge worthy paper, can't be more disappointing than I already am. Skipping thoughts. Oh yeah, this morning I woke up with news that ruined my day. The Samantha Thavasa wallet that I fell madly in love with is pretty much obsolete, fuck my life. I should have gone all Carpe Diem on its ass- fly back to japan just to buy it (totally.) or bug my aunt to buy + ship it for me and pay her back financially along with facing the harsh consequences of family gossip, damn you conscience. Oh, and...random photos I found on my poor old phones memory card.   Labels: bad habits, relationships, resolutions, weight 0 Comments:
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