I keep thinking today is Tuesday. Somehow I'm entirely convinced that yesterday was Monday. I must have checked the date a dozen times today only to realize it's not Tuesday all over again, thinking "no, the calender is wrong!!" or something. I'm stuck in this state of mind. (Well actually now, it's technically Tuesday. Why do I blog so fucking late at night. It's like staying up to do homework..) My present memory really is shit. It may be all the years of trying to just get by or live by the day. It defines why sleep has always been my alternative escapism. This is why I'm trying to keep up with writing again. It forces me to at least attempt to organize my thoughts before I write all my nonsense of the day. Well actually, it really isn't organize at all because I jump from topic to topic all the time. There is no structure.


I've always done or start things in time intervals I give myself. If I made it through the day and it's finally time to attempt to sleep, then the day is done with. The End. Sometimes it feels like I'm breezing through life because of this mentality. There were often times I would feel this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I have no history, memories or personality. Might as well be a robot.

I don't know if I'm subconsciously being selective with what I remember or not. It's rather odd because my short term memory tends to be awful but once it becomes part of my pass it'll all come back to me because every event, scenario or conversation that has taken place in my life will cycle to my thoughts eventually. If someone asks me what I did yesterday, most of the time I would have a hard time remembering the details. Ask me the same question 5 years later and I'll tell you what I was up to yesterday. My mind is like a fucking database or something. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense because even I don't understand what I'm talking about.


It's been ages since I went shopping physically, especially going to a mall. I went this Sunday with my sister, mom and her fiance. I don't understand why people shop in groups; just car pool to the mall then split and go buy whatever shit you need then meet up after. The whole concept of going shopping with all your girlfriends or having your boyfriend hold all your shit is baffling to me. It's such a hindrance to have someone wait on you and its plain inconvenient. When we finally got to the outlet center I wandered off on my own. Things that would interest me would not interest the rest of the family. I hate being rushed or feel like I'm being rushed. So no, I do not want to give you my opinion on this shirt you're trying on. No, I do not feeling waiting for you to buy things that are irrelevant to me. No, I do not want to try everything I pick out on and come out of the fitting room for your approval. In other words, I'm a cold selfish bitch. In fact, why the hell am I here again?

Oh yeah, because I needed a pair of conservative (black) flats stat. Something I can work long hours running around in without losing a limb. So I just bought one to fill in for now since the ones I ordered online probably won't be here for another week or two. Also, because my sister wanted converses. I finally got a chance to buy her a capo the other day since shes really improving on the guitar. She asked me to get her converses for Christmas. Apparently they're still in and popular at her middle school now. For me, I remember converses being really popular in high school. Middle school was all about those Air Forces by Nike. Elementary school was all about Adidas. Well I guess Sunday was Christmas, she needed new clothes anyway since shes still growing.

I wander off on my own because I'm sure they wouldn't be too thrilled to wait on me while I run around shops that carry band T-shirts, game shops or spend 30 minutes contemplating if I should buy the teenage mutant ninja turtles backpack while the employees and other shoppers observed me awkwardly and mentally give me the geek of the year award. I didn't buy it. I should have but like I said, I've been spending too much and I have no urgent use for it at the moment. Carrying a backpack is so much more comfortable than purses. I should have fucking bought it for when I get back into the whole schooling system. Go to class with a freaking turtle shell.

Although I tend to have a bad habit of self indulgence with online shopping- I rarely buy anything at malls and the like. I'm no fun to shop with, I usually go into a store eyeball the entire store in 15 seconds then walk out.  It's too much of a hassle to walk through every shop and dig through every rack or shelf. It feels really tacky, like as if I'm a soccer mom or maybe I'm just lazy as fuck.

We went out for Italian food afterwards and then I went home. I spent most of my night contemplating what is appropriate to wear when interviewing for a waitress position. Most of the work I've done in the past are office work so it's entirely business attire but seriously, who the hell would wear an entire suit for a restaurant interview? Maybe if one was applying for a corporate position. Initially I figured I'd just wear a chic but classy black dress with black leggings and the shoes I just bought, but first impressions are what matters the most. I don't want to seem unprofessional and under-dressed but I'd probably look like a total jackass if I showed up in full business attire. I spent the whole night digging out all my clothes trying to find something that wouldn't make me appear overdressed or under-dressed. Yes, its trivial, girly and annoying.

I couldn't sleep until 5am and got up around 10am. First FML moment of the day started as soon as I woke up and discovered the empty coffee-mate container. I'm notorious for drinking black coffee but I usually only drink it entirely black iced. Especially in the summer since I find black coffee it's more refreshing and "pure" tasting than having a cup of sugar, foam, whipped cream, sprinkles, chocolate and lollipops. It's not even a fucking coffee anymore, it's a whole new species. Deliciously bitter, just like water is delicious. Hot black coffee is a different story though. I don't know why the temperature of the same beverage would change my preference for it but it does. Hot coffee I usually put in 1 spoon of coffee-mate/creamer, no sugar. My morning started out all wrong. First cheerios with water now hot black coffee. This is madness. I knew I should have gone freaking grocery shopping. I never have anything I actually need in the fridge. Anyway, things kinda went downhill as the day progressed.

As usual, I take my 5 hours to get ready (procrastination incorporated, its the law) for the interview. I actually planned ahead more than enough time to get there, but by the time I got to the station, the train took 40 minutes to come. Fuck you MTA. I'm always late no matter what. Even if I go out of my way, stay up all night so I'll have fucking all night to get ready for the upcoming obligation in the morning- I'll still end up being late. Somehow, someway I'll end up being late; I'm cursed. I should be just get dressed and ready the night before and sleep in it.

FML moment #2 because I don't get along with time: I ran like a beast on heels through the subway stations and I had to transfer twice. Transferring at the Atlantic - Pacific station is a fucking marathon. More panicking, more running, more transferring. I got to my stop with 15 minutes left: sprinting 7 blocks on heels to the place. Win, I made it on time for the interview. 

Brian: Yaaaaaaaaaay, good job. Your foot will forgive you for the abuse, it was worth it...

That was until I walked into the restaurant and asked the waitstaff for the manager. Guess what? I screwed up yet again. "We don't have a person named that here..." The staff had no idea who I was and weren't expecting any interviews. Mind went blank for a second, then I started thinking weird paranoid thoughts. There maybe a possibility that the ad was fake and some jackass just posted it to screw around with poor bastards like me desperately sending out resumes. I somehow dazed out and just started thinking of different scenarios of fake or prank craigslist job listings and possible traps. Oh, our establishment is at so and so place, come here on this day and time for an interview aka so I can go all serial killer on your ass then rape your dead body.

I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I just sat at the place for a few minutes wondering what the fuck do I do now? Just leave and hold my breath cause I don't deserve to breathe? Then the manager of the place came out to talk to me, turns out the person who contacted me was the manager from their other restaurant. Apparently there is 2. So long story short, I made it one time for once and I went to the fucking wrong place. Face palmed so hard I almost got a concussion.

So I thanked them for their time and walked out to a nearby empty bench. There is this megaphone called my brain blasting self hate on max volume. I was flustered, embarrassed and I needed to pee. I called the manager of the actual location that was hiring. The phone just kept ringing and ringing. Just what I was hoping for, I got his voice mail so I just left a message. I wasn't in the right mindset to talk to him at the moment. Either way I made an ass out of myself because my voice mail was just tragic. I was a mess and stuttered trying to explain what the hell is going on.

I just sat at the bench for a while then started heading to a nearby Starbucks, I wasn't sure what I should have done at the moment. Go home or head to the other location and hope he'll talk to me, but it was almost dinner hour and I would probably just piss everyone off more for being in the way or coming at a bad time. How much more damage can I do. The manager called me back shortly and rescheduled the interview for Saturday. I guess I got lucky, because if I was a manager I probably wouldn't be as forgiving or just assume the person is a total twit for fucking up before you even get a chance to meet.



Now I can finally move on, buy extra coffee and go visit my mom. I would say it's so I can whine and complain to my mommy about what a shit day its been but that's not the case. That's just not the kind of relationship we have. She rarely listens when I talk to her, unless we're in her car there may be a chance of an actual conversation. When I'm in her car the possibility of one of the following happening- 25% silence and listen to music, 25% having an actual conversation, 50% arguing or aggravated. Most of our conversations while shes working or handling business entails me rambling on about something, she cuts me off mid-sentence and tell me to go get her phone or fetch something she needs. Anyway, so I bought her favorite coffee and went to her main shop since she was closer to were I was at the time. I really needed pants anyway. My initial plan to wear leggings and a one piece because it's less of a hassle backfired. They're just so damn comfortable. A majority of my bottoms are leggings and I'm not talking about the fancy see through hosiery, just the thick opaque leggings. I'm not sure if it's appropriate to work in them if I get the job or if I'd be allowed to, I should ask that. Ugh, I hate wearing pants.


It wasn't until around 8pm when I started feeling queasy and dizzy that I realize I forgot to eat today so I ate with my mom and her fiance. He was actually really thoughtful and brought one of my favorite foods. It was a shitty day, but things could have turned out a lot worst. I got a second change. Hopefully my next interviews won't be a complete catastrophe again. It's late, and because of yesterday night- I have a mountain of clothes on my bed and empty boxes from packages from my online shopping all over the place. Its the aftermath of me being my personal natural disaster. I should just go sleep in the tub.

My life is feeling extremely cluttered again. I should follow up on all the paperwork I sent out... and clean.

1 Comments:

 zet said...

hay. nice pants o.o

February 22, 2012 at 2:35 AM  

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