I am such a fucking flake. I haven't workout since last Friday. Its been 4 days of me being my usual lazy good for nothing self but on the other hand, lately I keep forgetting to eat or I just don't eat properly at all, so maybe that'll compensate for me skipping my workouts. I have just been dead lately. The list of things I need to do keeps getting bigger. Job hunting again was the first step. I have 3 more interviews this week for places. Hopefully I can land a job with one of them. I need to stop spending. I keep telling myself that and its not working. The worst thing about it is, the excitement and anticipation is all there when I order things, but most of the time, when it actually comes there is no satisfaction. There is no purpose, meaning, memory or thought behind this item I bought for myself. There was no purpose at all. There are exceptions to this situation but most of the time, it just turns out that way.


I finally cleaned up my pile of clothes today but my life still feels so cluttered. I didn't even feel that sense of accomplishment after. You know, the whole "Holy shit, its so clean, neat and empty now; I feel so liberated!" (just for that one day until it returns to its usual mess) Nothing is helping at all.


I hate that I missed you so much and you don't even know it. You just leave me hanging. Or there are times when I find myself getting disappointed easily over small things. Lately this has been happening a lot so I've been detached from everyone. I use to have a mindset that it's all or nothing. I've even given ultimatums like that before and it just shatters all of what you had left. Afterwards, that's when I realize how much I fucked up, because my all or nothing, really has left me with nothing. Nothing at all.

It's hard finding a middle ground when you've come to rely on certain people all the time. I realize, there are certain people in my life that I expect too much from. I knew better than this, expectations are the root of all heartbreak. When I finally came around to fully acknowledge that I am no longer a priority in anyone's life and it began to break me. Time really does take its toll on relationships for me. I feel like we're strangers all over again and that shit kills me too.

I know you're doing what you have to do and living your own life. I'm just fucking pathetic when it comes to letting go. This is also your fucking fault for breaking me down to begin with. "Stupid me to believe in stupid you". That is when I realize I've become high maintenance and dependent overtime without knowing. So when I'm left in the shadows suddenly, I just feel alone all over again. I was alone before, but at least during those times we were alone together.

So guess what? Fuck you, I care about you but I don't want to give a shit about you anymore because this obsession is unhealthy. I'm like this with everything. I'll just rely on myself, no expectations to break since I disappoint myself all the time anyway. It'll be a piece of cake.


I've always tried hard to be a wall. Just try to dull everything out but occasionally I come across things like letters, notes, messages, photographs, old tickets and so much other random shit that reminds me that I'm a fucked up person and I fucked up on too many things in my life. This includes hurting my friends, pushing away people who care(d) or sabotaging relationships. My mind functions like a broken tape. It keeps replaying the same scenes or events that occurred in the past. It repeatedly haunts me so much that even insignificant details will magnify and become something bad.

In reality, after he passed away. I no longer had an excuse to be the way I was but that didn't change anything. Maybe I chose to be this way because I probably could have made decisions and choices in the past that would lead me to being happy or at least live my life. "We accept the love we think we deserve." I guess that applies to life as well. Did I choose to be unhappy? I don't know. Thinking about it sickens me.
I'm sure this doesn't apply to everyone, but in my case- love fucks things up. The things that didn't use to matter, becomes a big deal when you make it "official" that you're more than just friends. Expectations increase because you're suppose to try harder for your significant other. People tend to idealize the relationships they want to be in whether they want to admit it or not. "I wish (s)he'd do this for me or I wish (s)he was more thoughtful and considerate but it's okay it doesn't matter because I love her." The thing is, it does matter, because one by one, the discontent will add up and lead to resentment. This also happens in platonic relationships/friendships. Expectations, expectations and more goddamn expectations.


Then there is the whole "no one is perfect but the right person will find all your imperfections perfect" deal. What the fuck? You just said no one is perfect. So if someone's imperfections are perfect to someone, then that makes them perfect. What a mind fuck. I hate the word perfect. Its stressful. I think "you're fucked up, and I love it." would be better than "you're perfect" Both ways suck, first one just sucks less. I often see or hear people stressing over if the person they're with are "the one". In the end it doesn't matter, everyone is just settling even if you finally come to a conclusion that they're "the one". Took you long enough.

Commitment scares me in general. Not because I don't care, but because I'm afraid of being chained down. I've been chained down my entire life and I cant stand the idea of making a decision I can't change. This fear has been nothing but a self made tragedy. I never know what I want to do with myself in general. I'm the person that always pick whichever option that can be modified or undone if things go wrong. If a relationship goes wrong, there isn't much that can be done. The damage have been done. What can you do? Group hug? Punch each other and call it evens? Buy flowers and apologize? Make up sex? I don't think any of it works like that, because I am vengeful. Especially vengeful to the people I expect the most out of. They can mean the world to me but that would also mean everything that goes wrong in a relationship of that status would hurt that much more.



It's probably just my fucked up cynical way of looking at relationships. I remember working at the store and my co-worker just suddenly said "You don't believe in love do you..." as a statement, out of the blue. I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't answer, but the answer would probably have been yes. It requires commitment, maybe I'll consider it if I can have insurance on it. That if things go wrong, this insurance policy will cover all the damage done and rewind it. Relationship insurance, it doesn't exist. Oh wait, isn't that called marriage except it's not really insurance. It's just a contract basically saying if things don't work out, we'll just split all our shit in half and call it a day. I don't think I'm relationship material at all.

Labels: letting go, relationships