I write here for myself to keep my thoughts organized about my personal uneventful life and everything
else in between. I speak Engrish for the most part. So if you're a judging close minded asshole or
excessively annoying grammar nazi - fuck you, shut up and go away. This is my place, my rules. Keep
your shoes on.
 
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Sunday, January 1, 2012 @ 6:00 AM
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 Ugh, I wish it would snow more. Although it feels just like any other day, tonight marks the beginning of a new year and I need change. So what better day is there to go over my resolutions or just anything I need or want to do for the next year. In no particular order: - Work on becoming a better person: > try not to sabotage everything because I generally think anything good is a fraud > stop feeling inferior constantly / work on my shitty self esteem that ranks below negative > stop being so bitter and cynical all the time or just tone it down > try not to hate myself so much > try not to go crazy or self destruct so often - Quit smoking - Get back into school and finish it. - Maintain at least a 3.5 GPA so I can transfer hopefully with success in 2 semesters - Drop the last 10 lbs I can't seem to get off - Start budgeting and saving more instead of spending impulsively on useless self indulgence things - Pace myself and maintain having a job and going to school at the same time - Start driving - Eat healthier - Learn the guitar again; I need something to be passionate about. I haven't touched art in years. - Travel somewhere for a week or two. I need a change of environment, just to get out of the city and breathe - Meet more new people - Know my priorities  I usually don't write these things because I break most of my resolutions anyway but I'm trying hard so maybe I can remember what it feels like to have dreams and goals again. The resolutions that involves me to stop pampering my sorry ass, suck it up and finish what I need to do have a higher success rate of me becoming a better person, very pathetic. Things sound simple and easy laid out but starting over is very hard. Especially personality wise because its all I ever knew how to be. It gives me a headache trying to think of an explanation of the whole concept without sound like a complete dumb ass. I guess if I try to say it simply- its because I'm so fucked up I don't know where to begin. I've grown accustom to it and as sick as it sounds, its the only way I know how to operate. How can I stop being an extreme introvert, insomniac and depressed all the time? How late is too late for damage control? "We accept the love we think we deserve." I honestly believe that perfectly describes why I am the way I am in terms of relationships. I fuck everything up, because I don't believe its real. Its more of a self esteem issue that kills everything. Also, the fact that I'm afraid of intimacy. Sometimes when I hear all the sweet shit couples say to each other I feel completely awkward and wonder how they can say such nauseating things because it seems like complete bullshit or feel very fake. Maybe I'm too blocked off or I have too much pride. I'm weird. At some point I realize that commitment scares the fuck out of me. Why? because its the same reason why I'm afraid to make decisions I can't undo. I'm not willing to take a leap of faith or bet. I don't feel like "getting to know" people I just met on dates. I can't even say I have ever done the whole "dating" phase thing because I'm so paranoid and overprotective (aka. fucking psycho) that I pre-screen everything already as a friend. In other words, I'm a pussy. I wondered if I was doing it all wrong all along because it doesn't seem very normal. In some ways I feel like I'm as bad or as naive as a sheltered home school child whose never seen the world. Life becomes very boring and the emptiness starts to kick in a lot when you realize that. I isolated myself for way too long and pushed so many of my friends away because I felt the most at ease when I'm on my own.There is a calmness to it but its driving me crazy at the same time hiding from the world means I'm stuck with just myself all the time. I'm my own worst enemy.  I'd reflect on the past year but all of it just seems like some long sob story and it becomes such a hassle. Whats done is done. Being hurt or hurting friends, the damage has already been done. Sometimes the best thing to do is to let go and just leave things alone, stop trying to selfishly fix everything. Stop getting involved in unnecessary drama or going back to the same vicious cycle because it never ends well. It'll just add up to more resentment. I need to learn how to stop digging my own grave. Some of the events that keep cycling in my head are- There was the time when I went MIA for a month and practically disappeared from the face of this earth which lead to the beginning of her confronting me. One thing leads to another and I was finally able to tell her why. The day when I was at the radiology clinic and called her right afterwards when the aftershock kicked in- I was a mess because I knew all along that one of the reasons I never entirely gave up was because I felt obligated to live long enough to pay her back. She cried, I haven't seen her cry in years. I had a report printed from 13 years back and it turns out they removed my entire organ because I had a large complex tumor that lead to internal bleeding and may be cancerous. So for the last 13 years of my life I had no idea what it was, I was just a child. From time to time I did wonder what the hell did they do to me from the scars but I just assumed it was appendicitis since those are very common. I never really questioned it until the lab discovered it by my old patient file by some crazy coincidence. Earlier this year I was told I had pulmonary fibrosis after an X-ray my doctor ordered when I went in for getting random spiked fevers, chest pains and painful swelling of the lymph nodes on my neck. Someone asked me how I felt about all of this coming back to me, I simply felt unlucky, guess I didn't win the genetics or health lottery. I felt blank. Sometimes maybe it is better to live obliviously. I don't know, maybe that's why I'm pushing so hard to get all my shit together lately- I afraid time will eventually turn its back on me. I haven't accomplished anything yet, I haven't repaid her yet.  I'm not sure where I was trying to get with all that ranting. My thoughts are completely scattered right now, its been a rough day, week, year- but bottom line is I'm alive. Days over, I've done what I can. I'm too tired to keep going on reflecting on the past year and what I need to do for the next. Now I just need to get back on track for the upcoming year. I need some stability in my life. I need something to believe in. I want to become a better version of myself. Labels: fucked up, health, memories, mentality, new years, past year, reflections, resolutions 4 Comments:
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