Wednesdays always seem to go by way too fast. I'm never as productive as I should be with my day off. The beginning of the week at workplace1 has been yet another bad week. Honestly, most of my shifts at workplace1 has been made up of mostly shitty nights over the rare occasional good ones. I'm not just talking about the pay. It's the people that's starting to get to me. One thing I've been noticing is every Tuesday even if I'm a minute late, I always get the same shitty section when its chosen by "lottery". Obviously not, because it just so happens that if I'm actually on time I pick out a better section to work on. Whenever I'm not there when they split the floor, I always get shafted since the other two servers have more seniority and I'm not there to witness anything so there's nothing I can really say or do.

That aside, the chefs are really starting to get on my nerves. I can't really communicate well with them mostly because of the language barrier but at least read the fucking ticket when I put an order into the POS. I had a customer I recognize from a few weeks ago come back and I was his server again since it was after 9pm. The guy is a bitch. Yes, a man-bitch. Along with his two snobby kids. Its like pulling teeth trying to stay civil and polite to them when they naturally act like its their god given right to treat you like shit because you're waiting on them. I seriously cannot stand serving them but the worst part is, after making ten different modifications to all the sushi or dishes they order, the chef disregards all the modifications and makes it as it is. The food comes out wrong and I get all the shit for it from both ends. Remember, I don't make your fucking food- I just bring it to you. Then I have to send it back multiple times and the chef would throw a fit and bitch at me for it. It's not my problem you can't fucking read a simple ticket. The sushi chef this time actually threw a tantrum and threw the entire platter into the trash while muttering loudly.

Here I was starting to feel guilty and pondering what I'm going to do when I need to quit but they're actually making my decision easier by the week. One of my co-workers actually came up to me earlier during the beginning of my shift and asked why I'm so quiet and that I should socialize more. I don't like to say more than I have to; I don't like starting bullshit conversations about the weather with someone I work with a couple hours a week for the hell of it. It's not like I ignore anyone who talks to me or I'm nasty to anyone. I can converse fine if someone wants to strike up a conversation and I'll be friendly too unless they give me a reason to be otherwise. I'm just usually not the type to go up to someone I barely know during work and talk about frivolous things. I don't feel the need to be or act like I'm BFFs with anyone and everyone.

I'm standing in my section and POS station which happens to be by the window. I tend to daze out or just people watch from the windows a lot, even at home or at places I hang out at. It was a slow night and I was blankly staring through the glass. One of the guy co-workers comes up to me, most of the conversation went like this from what I recall-

CW: Hey, are you bored?
Me: No, why? whats up?
CW: Why are you alone here?
Me: Cause I got this section again but I like people watching, kinda why I always like window seats.
CW: Ah, you don't get bored?
Me: Not really
CW: Why don't you talk to people?
Me: What do you mean? I do talk to people, I'm talking to you right now aren't I?
CW: Yeah but that's because I always approach you first.
Me: That's just how I am, I don't go up to everyone or say more than I have to but I talk to you guys all the time if you're talking to me.
CW: Shouldn't you be talking to <another girl co-worker> more or something?
Me: Whys that?
CW: Well, don't you guys have girly shit to talk about or something?
Me: Not really, plus she doesn't talk to me so I don't really bother her. This is work anyway.
CW: You're weird
Me: Why is that weird? I'm pretty simple. I mind my own business and keep to myself, but I'm still friendly to whoever that talks to me. It's just less complicated that way.
CW: I guess it makes you come off as snobby or unapproachable to people.
Me: I see, so people are talking huh?
CW: No, I'm just making sure you're okay working here.

It was clearly not the case, hes a terrible liar. He just walked away awkwardly after that.

I can't say I'm surprise. People will always gossip whether its at work, at school, in life, online, or just about anywhere that brings multiple people together. Even if you're doing absolutely nothing, that's something to gossip about. It kind of makes me think about gossip in general. Like just recently it just came to my attention that a small group of people I use to talk to were spreading rumors that I slept with someone or was fucking around. Well, most of them were more like acquaintances and maybe some were friends. My initial reaction was "What the fuck? Who the hell is spewing this bullshit?", Then I realized I really can't be arsed to find out in detail because whoever part of it probably isn't anyone that's worth my time- whether they're friends, strangers or acquaintances they'll just simply become nothing to me. I wasn't sure if I should laugh and pity them for having nothing better to do than gossip over someone who has absolutely nothing to do with their life or group anymore. Or if I should be mad there's false rumors going around me that's not exactly flattering especially for a women. It just goes to show people's true character when it comes to gossip. Hating someone can be very tiring and burdensome. Do I hate whoever that started the rumor or is part of it? No, I nothing them. Hate is actually a level above nothing since it actually requires energy and mentality to hate someone. Just steer clear of the wrong kinds of people and be careful about who I surround myself with or who I confide in. That's all.

It all goes back to my resolution to prioritize, whether its what I need to do in life to what I preoccupy my time and energy towards. There are more important things that warrants my attention so I really shouldn't give half a shit about petty people who gets a kick out of gossiping. Enough of drama and disaster. I'll get pissed about it later when I have time. Right now, I'll just focus on my life and getting it back in order.


Months ago some events happened that lead me to feeling like shit about myself physically. It's not that the insecurities wasn't always there, its just different when you get slapped in the face with it. There was nothing I can do about my height since it's just the hand I was dealt but weight and size I can change. I started dieting and watching what I ate obsessively. Along with trying to start an exercise routine and all that jazz. The exercise part didn't last too long, especially after I started working 2 jobs but I figured my jobs is as physically demanding as it would be if I worked out for a hour or two at home since I'm always on my feet running around and carrying things. I'm always late or low on times so I usually squeeze in a small meal before work and that'd be my meal of the day. I don't even feel the hunger anymore or maybe I've just grown accustomed to it. This obsession slowly transitioned into a lifestyle that fits perfectly with my schedule. After some months of this obsession and inferior feeling, I lost a good amount of weight. And here's the kicker- I don't feel any different or better. Some family and friends noticed the change on me losing weight, some didn't. I'm not quite sure if there actually is any difference. A close friend of mines asked me one night as we were walking down the dark streets in Williamsburg if I felt any different or better after losing so much weight. It really made me think. I felt the same it's still the same flaws. It's hard to feel pretty or confident when all you can feel is the ugliness inside out. I know one of my resolutions was to not be the way I am like this but saying things and actually being able to do it is very different. I don't the know the answer or solution to it.


I need to stop putting things off like registering for classes and just getting my foot back in the whole schooling system. I took way too much time off to work on and off while self destructing. Also, I need to just stop saying I'll do it, just another day and get the fuck into the DMV. I hate those places with passion but I need to get a proper ID. Whipping out my passport was amusing for a while but it gets old and inconvenient especially since I get ID'd all the time. Apparently I look like I'm 17, FML. Plus, I tend to lose everything it's bound to happen sooner or later. To be honest I'm surprise I haven't lost it yet, must be some kind of record. Losing my passport would not end well for me. I don't know how I manage to lose most of the things I do... well I guess that's what makes it losing something but some of the stuff is just or should be nearly impossible to lose. Like just recently, I was raging over a box of envelopes. I had a ton of important paperwork I needed to return in the mail and somehow I manage to lose a giant box of envelopes I had on my desk I was just using recently. How does something like that go out of site? Did I take my ambien and throw it out the fucking window? No I didn't, It just happens. I need to organize things more...

Aside from needing a proper ID, I want to start driving before the semester starts since I'll be taking classes in Brooklyn so it'll be way more convenient than taking the bus. Seriously the MTA is always delayed now and I hate buses. I mean I'm probably a bit safer than I was before wandering around at night myself with the pepper spray and all, but still. Its tiring. Plus driving myself would enable me to run away spontaneously more often. Escape to the beach for some air or something in the middle of the night. I love long drives at night- just me, the city lights and music. I want to feel infinite. I think its the first step to just finding myself a change of environment somehow, no matter how small the distance.


I recently ordered another 10 bottles of the Jasmine body spray and other products in that scent while I was shopping for my usual necessities like shampoo and whatnot. Yes, I actually do 99% of all my shopping online. I really do avoid buying anything in person. I've been using this for probably about or over a decade now. I'm a bit worried they'll discontinue it so I've been contemplating stocking up on it but ended up with only 10 bottles for now. My wallet is crying and still recovering from Christmas shopping. Well, fuck it I hate that wallet anyway. I'm kind of imagining myself playing the worlds smallest violin while I tell the story of how I lost my opportunity at buying the only wallet I've ever really liked because my conscience is a bitch, again. I usually just throw cash in my bag anyway and it's like a black hole in there. I can never find anything...so I end up just carrying a credit card instead. I skip topics too much. Fucking bipolar or something. Anyway- It's always been my favorite scent and I think I'm so used to it by now, I don't really smell it myself anymore. I never realized until my best friend in High School pointed out that I always smell like Jasmines and a hint of cigarettes (sometimes). Its weird that the same fragrance can smell different on different people. Oh yeah, so were was I going with this- I recently recall why I'm so attached to this certain scent of Jasmine or why its so calming and nostalgic to me. Somehow I vaguely recall when I was a toddler still living with my grandma overseas. She had a Jasmine tree in her backyard. I use to love picking up the ones that fell off and collect them. The whole yard and the wind would smell of Jasmine.

Labels: childhood, co-workers, gossip, jasmine, job, resolutions, schedule, school, self-esteem, work