I went from going day to day doing absolutely nothing to creating a hectic schedule I made for myself. The thing is, I felt unproductive while I was doing nothing everyday but I feel just as unproductive after filling up my schedule with what might be considered productive. I know this because I know the things I'm doing serves no purpose in where I may want to be in life. It's a permanent standstill. When will I move forward and what will be the push start? For the moment, its as if I'm telling myself just by simply earning a living, I won't be 100% worthless. Just keep working.

I've been on a rampage lately with buying useless shit and it's very unlike me. Normally I'm very conservative with savings since I know I'm no fucking millionaire nor do I have rich parents or a trust fund. I think I'm just trying to find something to be excited about lately. When it hit Black Friday I was down another $360 in addition to my previous months spending's. I splurge then I feel guilty afterwards. Does it make me happy? I don't really think it does, but nothing else does anymore. Nothing reaches me. Its pretty much "shopping therapy" without the therapy, well at least the therapy part isn't working. So it makes no fucking sense why I'm doing it. Technically, it just became yet another bad habit that I need to snap out of. I'll make it up once I start working. If I can land another job out of the 2 interviews I have left, I'll start saving again. I hate that money is always a concern. Fucking hell.

"What am I doing? I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m doing the best that I can. I know that’s all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn’t than nothing in this world makes any sense to me; I’m fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don’t quit. Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don’t fucking quit. Just, I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do anymore. Fucker. Fuck. Shit." - Albert Markovski, I Heart Huckabees

I'm anxiously waiting for the weekend to be over with and Monday to come. That's something you usually don't hear from people, no one likes Mondays. I don't either, its just that I have a lot things and paperwork to follow up on and because of the holidays it's been a long weekend. Monday is the closest upcoming business day. There’s nothing that I hate more than uncertainty yet most of the things in my life falls under that category right now. It's frustrating. I can't stand the anticipation but in reality I know I won't get results or answers right away since its only been a week since I sent in my paperwork. I'm not sure I can even look myself in the eyes afterwards if this doesn't go well. I'm already imagining all the worst scenarios of what would my family and people in my life think of me. Just more incoming disappointment?



A lot of things needs to be in motion right now because there is nothing I want more than to get out of this place. I've been the only person standing in my own way the entire time. I want to get into music, I want something to be passionate about, pick up the guitar again or just simply scream. The walls are too thin, nothing is soundproof. So all the screaming has always been done in my head. I'm an introvert even when I'm alone. I can hear things that goes on in the apartments surrounding me, including the ones above and below me if the source is loud enough. There were days where I'd have unpleasant awakenings from the people who live downstairs. They seem to be a couple and they were screaming and arguing first thing in the morning. I can hear crashes and things being thrown. The man threatening violence, or maybe the loud noises was already the abuse in action. I don't know, but this seems be to a reoccurring event. It's not something I want to hear ever again. Scenarios like that belongs in my nightmares, I don't want to wake up to one too. Starting off the day on a high anxiety level never works out for me. Half of the time I just hide in bed with my mind caving in. Dull it out.


I'm not lost because I don't have a map, I'm lost because I don't have a destination. I don't know where I want to be, all I know is this is not the place. I can name a million things I know I don't want to do or be but what about the fucking things I do want? Blank. When questions of that nature comes up, my usual response would be "Good question." attached with some sick smirk. Don't make anything of it, now you figure out where the fuck the conversation goes after I say that. I've often been told by acquaintances or friends that I'm a mysterious person. Most of the mystery exist because I don't know what the fuck I want to do or what I am myself, it's really not much of a mystery at all.

For now, I guess there really isn't much I can do but wait. Go take my usual 2 hour baths or showers and try not to think so much. I'm driving myself crazy lately. I should start reading more to pass the time so that at least I'm "wasting my time" doing something I can learn from. More brain food so I don't feel like my mind is deteriorating with each day going by until I become a total moron.

Labels: life, lost, money, stuck, work