So the day I've been dreading has gone by. I already had a hunch the entire week that the complications would probably be related to my past medical history. I got up at 8am to get to the radiology clinic for my scheduled ultrasound. I don't remember the last time I got up so early, besides actually being up all night. I hate how all the medical clinics or government places operate. They're never on time even if you make an appointment, whats the point? I made it clear that I had to leave before 2pm to get to work on time today. Today is suppose to be my first dinner shift at workplace2.

After waiting until 1pm they finally called me, I was constantly nagging the front desk. Plus, I really needed to pee, they told me to drink a shitload of liquids beforehand and I just felt sick the entire time. Well, I was also arguing with them because they claimed I had no appointment or file even though I got a 1 day reminder call from their clinic about my appointment, turns out they filed it wrong or had my information wrong. I'm not surprised, I think one of the major requirements of doing clerical work in private practices is being incompetent and rude.

When I finally got into the dark room with the radiologist this conversation took place as she was examining me,

RL: "Oh, you have been here before. That's why there was a confusion because they created an entirely new file for you."
Me: "Since when was I ever here? I don't remember being here."
RL: "13 years ago."
Me: "Oh well, I was probably too young to remember. I know I had scans and whatnot before but what are the chances I get sent to the same clinic by a different physician 13 years later?"
RL: "Yeah, you had to get surgery back then right? I can't find one of your organs. Did your physician tell you what procedure they did?"
Me: "No, I was too young I wouldn't know what the hell they're telling me anyway."
RL: "Do your parents know?"
Me: "No."

I'm not sure what to make of it. My mind was a mess.

Then she just gave me the "what the fuck how can your parents not know why you had to get cut open as a child" look. Now this is completely news to me. I knew I had surgery before but what I didn't know was that the surgeon entirely removed one of my organs. I'm oblivious to even what body parts I have or don't have. I guess I won the genetic disease lottery or something because I managed to go through major surgery as a child and 13 years later it comes back to haunt me. Meanwhile I haven't scored any positive points anywhere else genetically. I don't know how much more emphasis I can put on saying fuck my life so very hard.


It feels like I'm slowly digging into some lost file of my past and finding out the details of what went wrong exactly. I paid the clinic to print me a copy of the report they had on me dated 13 years back so maybe I can get a proper diagnoses with medical history. I think the whole thing started to hit me pretty hard after I walked outside the building. I was having another one of those anxiety attacks and the first thing I did was call my mother. I stood there waiting for a while. She actually came.

We had a short conversation with just me asking her if she knew or remember any details of why I needed surgery as a kid and as expected, she wasn't sure. After talking for a while I just couldn't hold back any longer and broke down. I was just hysterical, sobbing and repeatedly apologizing.

"I'm sorry I'm not healthy"
"I'm sorry, I wanted to live for you and pay you back."
"That's one of the reasons why even though I had a hard time, I never gave up entirely. I'm so sorry."

I just kept apologizing and crying. At some point, I told her she should have just got life insurance for me, since I'll probably die before her and at least if I do, I won't pass in vain. Or just be that dead beat child that has no accomplishments she can brag about to her friends.



I was actually early since I was being a giant pain in the ass to the front desk. Hey, I'm just treating them the same way they treat me. I managed to get myself together and stopped by a Starbucks nearby and got us coffee. We just sat in the car for a while having coffee and chatting while she gave me a lift to work. I was a mess but at least I didn't look like Alice Cooper with eye makeup melting down my face and all.

I walked into work around 3:30pm. It was slow at first but then got really busy later on into the night. At least it was a distraction from the shitty morning and me being a crybaby. My feet is killing me though, I actually went to my bag and took the last few ibuprofens I was carrying in hopes that it'd help with my leg/feet. I can't say which place I like more, but my first day here was definitely better than my first day (after training) at workplace1. The grand opening was just yesterday for this place so I wasn't expecting much since its only been open for business for a day.

It was better than I expected, I averaged about $20/hr after tipping off bartender and the "bussers" aka two girls in training who did practically nothing but chat and gossiped the entire time at the corner and occasionally set a table or two along with another guy who was training but actually tried to help while I was carrying heavy things. Things will probably pick up more once more people discover the place. I actually felt like I was more efficient at this place than the other even though I actually got training at workplace1. It's probably because the POS system is much more organized and updated so its easier to use at this place.

Most of the work is just physical and keeps my mind from thinking too much (which I tend to do in office jobs after staring at some excel report for 8 hours straight). It's pretty similar to the concept of how I go bat shit crazy and start OCD cleaning when my insomnia gets really bad after being up for days- except I'm getting paid for it. I'm also basically working off the books since I'm getting paid in cash for the most part so there won't be that huge disappointing chunk of my paycheck missing after all the taxes are taken out like all my other office jobs. I'll just pretend it's a workout.



I should be sleeping right now but my hair is still wet. My shift ended at 11pm tonight at workplace2. I got offered all the dinner shifts for this upcoming weekend which is hopefully a good thing but I'll be working 7 days a week. I'll probably be in zombie mode every night after I get off work, shower and then maybe get an entry or two in while I wait for my hair to dry.

Over a month ago, I royally fucked up one night on ambien and decided I needed to cut my bangs. The random inspiration was from watching some YouTube video. Don't drink and drive? Don't take ambien and watch some random person on YouTube teach you how to trim your bangs. I woke up the next morning and died all over the place. I gave myself a fucking female bowl cut and I don't even remember it for the most part. I'm just going to chop it off soon since what I've really been waiting for was to let my bangs grow out a bit. My hair is too long and I didn't intentionally grow it. I just cant be arsed to go to a salon to get it cut and whatnot. Its such a hassle. On the other hand, I've been meaning to dye my hair again. I'm was originally thinking of going red again, but red fades so fast to orange and orange is just tacky. I really liked the mocha color I had before, but that was at the salon and I'm not sure what color they mixed to achieve that color.

I'll probably give into my temptations soon and buy one of those overpriced Alice in Wonderland Planners for myself this upcoming Christmas. I need to stop writing on random pieces of paper and books all over the place because I'm just losing them and unorganized. Speaking of Christmas presents, I'm not even sure who I'm suppose to get presents for and if I'm suppose to. I do occasionally use holidays as an excuse to set my paycheck on fire. Generally, I usually don't do holidays- all the decision making stresses me out. I feel like a giant jackass when a friend gets me a present unexpectedly and I have nothing for them. I think I should just start enforcing the "lets not do the gifts shit" policy again.

Oh, my hair is dry. Bye. It's already time to start dulling things out.

Labels: beauty, family, health, holidays, job, memories, past, work